02.04.10
Posted in Spirituality/Philosophy, Things that make me happy at 3:36 pm by PsychicDonut
In management I learned one of the most important management tools, which said that you should always strive to manage to a person’s strength, instead of focusing on their weaknesses. When people are in an environment where 75% of the time they get to do what they like and what they are good at, you end up with really productive teams and very happy people.
I have found that everything I have learned in management also applies for one’s personal life. However, this doesn’t seem as blatantly obvious to others as it is for me. I figured that there are things I can share that may explain a little better what I mean by the importance of being specific and clear.
Let’s say for a moment you are at work and you are scheduled for your quarterly review. Let’s assume you are scored on your communication skills, and you have received an average mark. When you ask your manager/supervisor why you received an average instead of outstanding score, your manager tells you something like “well, I remember an incident a couple months ago where in a meeting you said something offensive.” How are you going to learn from this? One of the first things one learns in management is to be specific and to coach as soon as the opportunity arises, and as soon as the incident is not yet forgotten. Communication in this area should always be very specific, namely what the “mistake” was and how you expect a person to fix it/conduct themselves in the future, etc.
Now transfer that philosophy to life. Let’s assume you are NOT an atheist who only believes in science. Regardless of what your faith is, I do believe that each action has a reaction. Each one of our behaviors, words, actions, emotions and thoughts create some kind of energy that surrounds us. If we are sending negative energy, we receive negative energy. If we are a positive energy, we attract positive people. Don’t believe me? Look around you and notice people who are truly positive and what type of people surround them. Then look at those who are negative and see who, if anyone, surrounds them. (This is by the way where the German saying comes from “zeige mir wer Deine Freunde sind und ich sage Dir wer Du bist” Show me who your friends are and I tell you who you are). So if we are sending wishy washy as our energy, what do we expect to come back to us?
If I want a new job and a recruiter asks me what type of job I am looking for and I reply “anything really,” what do you think will come back to me (if anything at all)? If someone asks you “what kind of relationship are you looking for?” and your answer is “I just want a cute guy who likes me,” what do you think you create with that? First of all, define “cute” to the universe, or as an energy! Good luck with that! This is why I have always believed in the importance of absolute clarity in what I want and I can attest to how well this works for me.
A few years ago I was house hunting. At this point there were literally hundreds of houses to pick from. I knew I had to be specific, so I wrote down that I wanted a house with 3 bedrooms, at least 2 1/2 baths, a minimum of 1,400 sq.ft., two stories, a town house (because I didn’t want to worry about exterior painting or paving) and not further East than Azusa. I carried this list with me and this is what I ended up with about 1 month later: a town house in Azusa, two stories, 1497 sq.ft., 3 bedrooms, 3 baths.
After Yahoo laid me off I really didn’t want to work in search marketing anymore. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and for this time nothing manifested. I got annoyed and finally told my husband that I wanted to hunt bad guys for gaming, because I love gaming. About 6 weeks later I ended up in a large gaming company, building their fraud department.
After the relationship before my husband ended, I was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to meet anyone. I was bitter, sad, disappointed and I lost my faith in relationships. When I finally decided that a broken heart was not worth giving up on my ideals of romance and love, I made a list, encouraged by one of my best friends. The list contained two columns, “Must Have” and “Compromisable.” I was VERY specific in my list and left any superficial thing out. For example, I wanted to put that I prefer “tall” but my friend asked what I would do if my perfect mate is not so tall. She told me to instead put “must have chemistry with the person.” Chemistry includes all of it, attraction and desire. Hence, I wrote “must have chemistry with the person and must be sexually compatible.” I carried said list with me in my wallet and met Andrew, my husband, about three months later. I still carry my list in my wallet, btw! It is another reminder of how accurately this technique has always worked for me. When I look at my husband, he is every point on my must have column and even most of the points on the compromisable column. The rule my friend told me was that, under no circumstance, could I compromise on the “Must Haves.”
Equally important was being specific in who I wanted to be! So I created a list for things I wanted to change within me. I also included thanking the universe for all the great friends I did have. By doing so, I found a deep and profound appreciation for all the people and things that DID surround me, versus the people and things that did not. My appreciation was so overwhelming that I made another promise to myself and the universe, which stated that I would never settle again. That from now on, I would live my heart’s desire and that any relationships, situations, friendships and jobs that would not be true to that, or to becoming my higher self were no longer tolerated, or acceptable in my life.
Needless to say, I think THIS was the biggest and strongest word I could put out there. I met Andrew THREE DAYS after that (and yes, three months after the list). I think this is why it is so important to know who you are and what you want before you are manifesting the best in life. How could you possibly manifest anything of large magnitude, if you do not even know how to visualize it, or what “it” exactly entails? So I am saying to those who doubt “Love thyself and know thyself!” If you expect the best, you truly will get it. At least that has been my experience, many lists and years later down the road 
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01.30.10
Posted in Relationships at 4:20 pm by PsychicDonut
I want to post this for one of my friends. I love you, girl and screw the Muppet. You deserve so much better! It’s German, but I translated it:
Mach Dein Licht an – Ich und Ich
Here is the translation:
A love is ending
You are left in the dark
It’s finally over
There is nothing you can change
An icy rain is falling
Straight into your life
It’s going down and not up
Put your winter jacket on and don’t give up
Turn your light on
And keep going
Turn your light on
And keep going
Illuminate the streets
Let the stars pale when you shine
Illuminate the shores
How deep is the river supposed to get
That you’re crying
Turn your light
and keep going
Turn your light on
And keep going
Someone deceived you
What’s so bad about that?
It was a false label
What is written on it
Is not what it contained
Your waterproof plan
unfortunately didn’t work out
Who knows what it is good for
Come on, you won’t give up now?
Turn your light on
And keep going
Turn your light on
And keep going
Illuminate the streets
Let the stars pale when you shine
Illuminate the shores
How deep is the river supposed to get
That you’re crying
Turn your light on
Turn your light on
Turn your light on
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01.26.10
Posted in Human Behavior, Life at 9:59 am by PsychicDonut
There are so many lessons I have yet to learn. I have learned a lot within the past year, and some things are still lingering. These are the ones that are the most deeply ingrained and the hardest to learn.
I tend to write my frustrations about the human race down, by turning to my blog. I rant about the things that deeply bother me and the ones I simply cannot grasp. I usually try to find some kind of sense when writing about the behaviors of people who seem so intelligent. It took me a while to realize that intelligence has nothing to do with self-awareness, or how well your life turns out, for that matter. It seems that intelligence would lead you to make better decisions, but I do know first hand that this isn’t the case.
Because I understand pain so well, I naturally flock to it and want to fix it. I am an equal opportunity rescuer. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, the more broken you are, the more I am, oh wait, used to be, willing to jump in to rescue you, fix you or try to help you. The lengths I would go through are insane and would range from financial help to taking people into my home, just to name a few.
The interesting thing is that I can get so frustrated when I write and come across so harsh, and yet in real life, I’d be choosing my words not only wisely, but often I wouldn’t confront people at all. Those who know me well also know that it takes me a long time to open my mouth in a harsh way and even longer to call it quits. I would swallow my frustration, sadness and whatever else they’d bring up for years.
This is the one lesson I haven’t learned yet. I used to be almost offended when certain teachings would talk about letting go of people who no longer serve you. A lot of people didn’t serve me, but I served them really well. After all, the Virgo is the sign of servitude and industriousness. We generally do well with the types who need others to build them up, serve them and make them feel better, because we tend to keep giving of ourselves until we “break.” Once we feel spent, it can get ugly, but we generally still won’t walk.
It is the lesson I have the hardest time with. Instead of trying to keep modifying my message to be more understanding and more giving and more gentle, I am learning that for some people there is no way they get it. There is no way I can modify my words or attitude to make them understand, because they are too far entangled into their stories of not getting it and of nothing being their fault/having no power whatsoever.
I wished I would have learned this lesson earlier in life. I have spent many years trying to help fix broken people. The cost was pretty dire in some cases and nearly did me in a few years ago. There is only so much life, energy and heart one can suck out of you, before you crash. I crashed and had to learn to build myself up and do a better job. I didn’t though, for another 2 years. It is, after all, my taught duty to just take it to the chin and keep trying.
I am getting closer to grasping this lesson of letting go of people and situations who no longer/don’t serve my well-being at all. What is the point of keeping anyone who keeps making you miserable, who you don’t respect, who you can’t bear to listen to and who drives you crazy most of the time? And no, I am not only talking about relationships, but also about friends, companies and co-workers. I guess, for me the point always was to hope that one day they’d wake up. Well, 99% of them never did, to this day.
So last night I dreamt of my best friend in Germany. My best friend when I was a teenager and the equivalent to my sister. That is until she became a heroin addict. She has been hooked on this crap for well over 10 years. She is too far gone and at this point, the chances that she will EVER get off of it are slim to none. So, last night I dreamt that she was homeless now and that her 7 year old daughter was living with her on the streets. She was carrying nothing but a basket of dirty laundry, which she was bringing to a laundry mat. She was dressed all in black; black sweat pants, and a black hoody, with the hood moved deep into her face. She was a walking skeleton, deep circles under her eyes and walking like an old woman.
In my dream I drove by her in the car on the way to the airport. And my other friend said “don’t look, Carmen. It IS her!” I felt my heart breaking and I leaned over to hold on to my friend and started crying for the woman who once was my sister and now is “dead.” The last time I saw her, she said “I wished you would have never moved to the States. If you would have stayed here, I would have never gotten hooked on this shit.” This is when I walked away and never saw her again after.
There was/is nothing I could do. When someone is so deep in denial that they look back at their life and all they can say is “if x, y and z wouldn’t have happened, I’d be a better person now,” while continuing their self-destructive ways, I must turn away. And yet, it is ripping my heart out, for how would I be me, if I am not a person with deep compassion for those who screw up their own lives?
All these broken souls have worn me out. I think THAT is the reason that I am so angry and harsh at times. I think I have to just learn to walk and not look back, so I can be the best I can be. I am dreading this lesson more than anything else. It is so hard for me to let go, even of those who have hurt me deeply, humiliated me, bad-mouthed me or let me down. I still keep thinking that it somehow “wasn’t their fault.” And so, I have spent years feeding into them remaining the same and not learning anything at all. Now I am learning when to really walk away and that is going so far against my grain that it hurts a lot. But at the end of the day, you can’t unlearn the things you’ve learned, so I guess, onward I go.
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01.22.10
Posted in Life, Things that make me happy at 7:17 pm by PsychicDonut
Right now, I am honestly feeling as if I am living my dream. The sad thing is that there was a time where I couldn’t quite imagine such a thing, and hence, kept inviting the same scenarios, relationships and friendships into my life.
I don’t have the answers and I honestly do not know how it clicked for me. Maybe I simply got tired of feeling depressed and down for imaginary and stupid reasons. I was so busy whining about not having x, y, z that I blatantly missed the people who kept having my back and kept trying to encourage me, and also kept believing in me. They saw things in me I couldn’t and one day it suddenly all clicked. From that moment on life changed, and has never been the same again.
Maybe all I did was desperately focusing on the things I did have and ignoring the ones I didn’t. And now, over a year later, I find myself married to my soul-mate, the best husband one could ever ask for. And no, I am not claiming that Andrew is perfect, but I am saying that he makes me happy, because he loves me fiercely and sees that person in me, that others often missed. He makes me feel safe, wanted and loved and with him by my side I feel I can do anything!
My professional life is going great, and while I cannot share any details at this point, it seems that my biggest dream in that department is also coming true, again. I am fighting bad guys, I do what I love and I get paid well for it.
And lastly, there is the one that seemed the hardest out of all of them, my exterior. I spent many years focusing on my interior, and I don’t even want to go into why I did that.
I am still not a superficial person, but I do have a strong drive for being healthy right now. It is fair to say that I am getting into the best shape I have ever been in my life. I am eating healthy, I drink lots of water, I quit smoking, I work out very hard and I do cardio a minimum of 4 times a week, usually more like 5 or 6.
My energy is going through the roof, I have tons of stamina; where I would last a measly 5 minutes on the elliptical, I can now do 2o minutes and then run on the treadmill for another 15. My metabolism has sped up so much that I burn about 2100 calories on a day where I do no exercise. My arms and legs are starting to look leaner and longer and the fat is melting away. I haven’t achieved my full goal, but I am well on my way.
I am doing things these days that I NEVER thought possible. My mind has gotten powerful enough to overwrite whatever negative messages I have stored on that hard-drive of mine, also known as the brain. When I get tired of eating right, working out so hard, or holding steadfast to my values, this voice comes in and says “you are only sabotaging yourself. You CAN do this. “No” is not an option.” And with that comes this burst of energy that keeps me going, every day.
It isn’t just that my life is turning out to be the dream I always had, but it is also that I am attracting things and people that support this new model.
For me it has always been the worst when certain people would call me judgmental. I would sit there and ponder why I am so judgmental, never realizing that the same people would be in my face for being so weak and not discriminating in who I was dating or what friends I kept. I interpreted judging as such a bad thing that anyone was allowed to come in, take whatever they wanted, walk all over me and then leave, bad-mouthing me. I have helped plenty of people, because there were plenty of people out there who helped me out when I was down, and quite a few of them not only never thanked me, but turned on me. They were endless holes of neediness, drama, negativity and crap and no matter how much understanding, love or care anyone poured in, it never was enough.
I am proud to say that yes, I AM judgmental. Nope, I no longer want everybody and anybody in my life. I do not require 100 friends, I am good with the few ones I do have. No, I am not unkind and I would give you my last dollar, have you stay at my house if you lost your place, lend you my car, get you a job and help you whenever you are down without question, but no, I would no longer do it for everyone. I no longer care what people think, because I have learned that those I do want in my life, are not the ones who keep attacking me for being judgmental, too harsh, or having “unreasonable values.”
It is funny how violently people react once you are no longer willing to put up with their shit and once you call them on it. You make enemies that way, but thankfully, not too many, and definitely not people I’d care to keep around anyway.
I have started to write my second book. And yes, it is the “Managing the Delusional” book I have often talked about
I am not perfect, but at least I am constantly trying to learn and become a better person. I had to learn the hard way that simply holding your cheek out to get smacked around over and over, is NOT the definition of being a good person and will not bring love and happiness into your life. I had to make a stand for myself to make that happen. It’s a bit wobbly, but it feels amazing.
What was my lesson I refused to learn for so many years? Oh yeah, I know now “How happy I am and how successful I am, is a direct result of what is in my mind, spirit and heart. Happiness and contentment exponentially increase when I am willing to stand for myself and others with truth, integrity and strength, when I eliminate fear and when I stop caring about what the wrong people think of me.”
So if anyone wants to point their finger at me again, they can. But I have a nagging suspicion that they will not be the ones who live their life to the fullest and are amazingly happy and content. And I have one example about that. The ones who were excited about me getting married and were happy were people who were in happy relationships or marriages. The ones who told me to wait longer, watch out and painted doomsday pictures, were the same ones who were single, or miserable.
So, I prefer to keep those who teach me with kindness how to become a better person and lead by example.
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01.21.10
Posted in Miscellaneous at 9:00 pm by PsychicDonut
Today I received this lovely scam in the mail. Hence, I am issuing another friendly reminder to NEVER click on links you receive in your email, unless you really know the source!!!
This one is very sad. The grammar and spelling is so atrocious that I can’t believe anyone in their right mind would click on this. I also like how I “really need digial goods, like a motorcycle!” *sigh* DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK!!!!!
Dear friend:
Heya,happy new years. how are you doing recently ? I would like to introduce you a very good company which I knew.
Their company homepage is www.crazy-digital.com.
They can offer you all kinds of electronical products which you need, such as motorcycles, laptops, mobile phones, digial cameras, TV LCD ,x box, ps3, gps, MP3/4, etc. Please take some time to have a look at it, there must be something you ‘d like to purchase.
Hope you have a good mood in shopping from their company!
Regards
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01.13.10
Posted in Things that make me happy at 3:20 pm by PsychicDonut
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to help people and safe the world. When I was in 2nd grade I decided I wanted to be an angel, or like Jesus. I had only two concepts in my head, the concept of right, or wrong. I wanted to do the right thing. Hence, when I got older I wanted to be a cop, a judge, a detective, a doctor, a nurse and a therapist. I never wanted to be something glamorous.
This desire and theme kept repeating itself throughout my life. I think I was about 15 or 16 when I started standing up for the kids/people who got bullied and by the time I was 17 I had a 2-year apprenticeship contract with the Municipal Court as a court administrator/paralegal.
I never was able to witness pain or injustice without opening my mouth. I simply HAD to interfere, even though I was scared to death at times. Being “me” meant standing on the other side of the fence, often against the “rest of the world.” While everyone excused their bad behaviors and kept doing them, I sat by myself writing poetry and reading books on unexplained phenomena. It was really lonely over there. I didn’t fit in with any cliques or groups. I tried them all, but at the end of the day, I hated how people behaved in herds. On their own they were often decent, but put them in a group and they turned on you in a heartbeat. Of course, for the same reason I didn’t like followers either, and when everyone felt it was our duty to do drugs and drink like fish when we were in our teens and twenties, I didn’t. I was the designated driver and quickly got bored watching people make fools out of themselves and turning into sleaze balls.
I have been this way for pretty much most of my life. I used to think it sucks and I hated that I wasn’t “like them.” I searched high and low for something or some people I could connect with and thankfully, as the years went by I found a few who fit the bill. Thankfully, I was also able to continue this in my professional life.
I do fraud prevention for a living. I manage credit card fraud and for me, this is the most rewarding career I could have chosen. I get to actively contribute in shutting down the jerks who steal identities, take over accounts of unsuspecting victims and make a living by scamming the innocent. I love my job and I love the people who are in my field.
There is something that literally happens each and every time I go to a vendor meeting, conference, or talk to others within the industry, which is this immediate “bond” that gets formed based on what we do. Every single person in this business works hard (sometimes underpaid and underappreciated) to make a difference. We are sometimes not on the top priority list for our companies, because we don’t generate revenue like a sales team does. We are the ones who act as your secret service, protecting your brand, the company’s integrity and innocent users from losing their identities, and we do it behind the scenes.
I don’t go to a “stupid job” every day for the sake of benefits and a paycheck. I do what I do, because I am excited about helping and making a difference AND getting paid for it. I have met so many incredibly smart, dedicated and awesome people within this field that I could not think of any better or other place to be, besides actually studying cyber forensics at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, lead by an incredibly awesome man named Gary Warner.
Forgive me for bringing this up again, but there are so many people in sales, project management and marketing who make a boat load of money, while a lot of those guys who work their butts off to protect the innocent are underpaid and underappreciated. This is why I like being around companies who specialize in nothing but fraud, be it with a product they created, or by consulting and connecting. There are a few companies who have caught on and truly realize how important it is to have a great risk management/fraud prevention team. These are usually also the same companies who truly understand the importance of great leadership and having integrity.
I am happy and privileged to be a part of this industry, that makes all our lives a little safer and easier. I am glad that I get to lead, showing others the importance of doing the right thing, even if it is easier to do the opposite at times. I think I am one of the few who can honestly say “I LOVE my career.”
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Posted in Human Behavior, Things that annoy me at 9:27 am by PsychicDonut
It never ceases to amaze me how unprofessional and stupid some people can be, all the while claiming how intelligent and great they think they are.
Social networking and Twitter are the new fads. Granted, I do not have a Twitter account. I don’t consider my life even remotely interesting enough to have constant status updates, I don’t have the time for it and I don’t want people to know what I am doing every single moment of my day. Not to mention that there are times/days when I simply don’t feel like saying a whole lot anyway. But, to each its own, and I have actually seen philosophical or inspirational messages from Twitter accounts, versus the “I just went to the bathroom” ones.
What truly amazes me though is when people have bosses, or even just other co-workers as their FB, MySpace or Twitter friends (I am not sure how Twitter works, so I assume it’s on a friend basis too), and then wonder when they get in trouble for it.
What do you think will happen if you are not meeting job expectations, telling your boss that you have some personal issues, ask for understanding and then post on FB how bored you are…while your boss is on your friends list?! Or how about badmouthing your boss, your co-workers or your company and posting this stuff publicly?
I simply don’t get it. I also don’t understand employees who are told by managers to leave the social networking to their personal time and then keep sitting at their desk, spending time on FB, MySpace, Livejournal, etc., while their boss sits across/behind/next to them. These are the same delusional individuals who then look you straight in the eye and say “I didn’t do it.”
People really don’t seem to have a lot of common sense! I don’t know if you ever noticed that I generally will not give details about people and their specific behaviors. I usually keep my commentary general, never use names and usually even try to refrain from revealing genders. The details I reserve for my book “Managing the Delusional.” 
But seriously! How is it that common sense, decency, integrity and ethics are missing in our society these days? What is going on with so many expecting a whole bunch for nothing and having a huge sense of entitlement? What happened to being accountable and what is going on with getting defensive when there are consequences to your own behaviors. Have people still not learned that the quality of one’s life and one’s own success is directly proportional to one’s actions, words, thoughts and emotions. And how does it happen that you feel you have the right to comment on a company’s or manager’s decision, when you definitely do not have the insight to even know what really happened, or what was behind a certain decision. Trust me, when your friend got fired he/she is not going to tell you the true reason. How many people do you know who will say “yeah, I got fired because I didn’t do my job/violated policies,” etc.?
These concepts are all so foreign to me. I really, honestly do not understand that any individual who keeps getting coached for the same issues, keeps being told the same stuff cannot succumb to sheer numbers. There is a simple rule of thumb If ONE person says something, oh well, if TEN people say the same, IT MIGHT JUST BE YOU! What happened to respect, as well? If my boss would EVER have had to come to me to tell me to be on time, lay off of the social networking, etc. I would have felt like a complete douche, apologized and immediately altered my behavior. Why? Because if a manager notices such things, it means I overdid it. End of story! It would not occur to me to start arguing or even defending my point.
What happened to having pride in one’s work. If you really do feel that your job, the company and the boss stinks, you shouldn’t be there! You have a choice, if you don’t like it, leave! If you choose to stay, then do your job and do it well. My mother was a cleaning woman, which was hard labor. She was a cleaning woman in a huge museum, using good old fashioned mops, water and floor waxing machines. Guess what? She didn’t call in sick when she wasn’t, she didn’t get in late, leave early and she didn’t cut corners. This is what she was doing and getting paid for. In her mind that meant that she had to do the best she can at it, and my brother and I have been lucky enough to having learned that from her. You respect your superiors, you do the best job you can and you don’t expect anything for nothing.
Before I moved to the States my friends in Germany told me how I had to watch out from getting fired here. In their head, everyone here gets fired for no reason. It is hard to fire someone in Germany, because almost everything is unionized and the labor laws are much stricter. But when I started my path in management, I realized how impossible, or excruciatingly hard it is to get rid of bad performers here. And I do want to add that I have always been understanding if someone is hitting a rough spot in their life. When I say bad performance, I mean people who game the systems, blame everyone else, have a huge sense of entitlement and have not an ounce of integrity or accountability.
I really need to start writing my book!
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01.12.10
Posted in Things that make me happy at 2:45 pm by PsychicDonut
I have posted a couple blogs lately on bad employees. However, I don’t think I have ever praised the ones who are doing an amazing job. Hence, I am using this post to list those who have taught me a lot about the manager I wanted to be and have inspired me to do the right thing, even if it would have been strategically better for me at times to do the opposite.
1. Horst Schmidt – my school teacher.
Horst had me from 7th grade on, all the way through graduation. This man stood by me no matter what. When I was about to screw up my apprenticeship at the court, he called up my boss and explained my situation to her. He was there for me like a father and I am in contact with him to this day. If more teachers would apply themselves the way he did, the world would be a better place. He also taught all of us to be accountable. He was fair and laid back, unless you tried to cheat the system.
2. Waltraud Hoppner – Municipal Court, Germany
Let me tell you about this woman. I was one confused and damaged teenager when I started my apprenticeship at the court, to become a court administrator/paralegal. She sure as hell had a hard time with me, because I couldn’t focus, and used being the class clown to overcompensate for my insecurities. She was my “teacher” and manager for two years and she believed in me. She consistently told me that I could do it, that I was intelligent and that I could be so much more, if I would apply myself. She lead with kindness and humor and she started my path into adulthood and business.
3. Bob Peterson – LRN
I think it is fair to say that I would not have been more ill cast in any career, than when I tried being an executive assistant. At my previous job I had one of those managers I vowed to never be. So when I started working for Bob I was a wreck. I was too afraid to talk to him, because I was used to being talked down to and being abused by my previous boss. After only one week Bob called me into his office and asked me what I was doing. He told me that he needed me to be his right hand and could not afford to have an assistant who was too afraid to even speak to him. When I weakly responded how I wasn’t sure that I had permission, his answer was “Have I ever NOT given you permission?” Bob turned my meek, scared demeanor into a competent assistant. He would call me into meetings grinning and announcing that he called me in because I obviously was one of the most creative people in the place (must have been my funny looks).
Bob never talked down to me, but he always treated me like an equal, even though he was an executive. When the company did a mass lay off he saved me and insured they didn’t let me go. I never forgot how kind, competent, intelligent and fair he was. I figured I wanted to be a boss like him one day.
4. Jae Sung – Yahoo
Poor Jae! He inherited me when I had very little management knowledge, and still felt I needed to speak my mind…ALWAYS! He taught me one of the most valuable lessons in business “Don’t ever horde responsibility or knowledge. If you do, people will just find a way to get around you and then you truly did make yourself obsolete!” I lead by that until today and have never withheld my knowledge or expertise from my employees. He taught me that the best manager is one who is truly not “needed,” but one who creates a team that is self-sufficient, competent and empowered. Jae never lost his cool and even though he left Yahoo years ago, he still has my back to this day.
Thanks Jae, this got me laid off at Yahoo, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world and when I am in management again, I will do it over! 
5. Jason Dorn – Yahoo
Jason taught me patience. He was the one who taught me how to deal with delusional folks. He taught me to not buy into people’s stories of victimhood and hold them accountable in a calm and straight forward manner. He fought for me, as he would for all of his direct reports. He is one of the smartest, most competent people I have ever met, and one of the few who are equally as good in project management, as he is in people management. Jason also never loses his cool, but is straight forward and doesn’t beat around the bush.
And here are a few people I didn’t report directly to, but they inspired me nontheless:
1. Erick Herring – LRN
Erick was one of the techy VPs and I assisted him when I didn’t have anything from Bob. Erick was the one who pointed out to me one day that I am probably at times my worst enemy. I told him how I am impressed with people who know so much about IT and technical stuff. He then asked me how many languages I speak and if I liked music. I told him that I know two languages fluently and studied Latin in school for a couple of years. I also told him that I loved singing and have an ear for music. He laughed and told me that math is in the same part of the brain as language and music, and that I am probably better at math or physics as I think I am. Turns out, he was right.
2. Kim Furzer – Yahoo
Kim wasn’t my direct boss. Well, she did manage me for a couple months, but that was only in the interim between managers. Kim taught me that having a strong personality is actually an asset in business. She taught me that it doesn’t matter how I dress or how many tattoos I sport, because the right people/company will immediately recognize my strengths and not care about that. She gave me more confidence and always encouraged my straight-forwardness.
3. Lynne Secrest – Yahoo
I can honestly say, there has never been a better HR director than this woman. Talk about a wealth of knowledge regarding workman’s comp, labor law, PIPs, coaching, performance management and all the other neat stuff one has to do as a manager. Lynne was highly regarded by everyone, executives, managers and employees. She was fair and always willing to help and man, she helped me out a lot with difficult employees or situations. I could always count on Lynne and when Yahoo laid her off for political reasons I was so outraged that I sent an email to Yahoo’s head of HR (no, I didn’t do this from an emotional spur of the moment place, but was encouraged by an executive, who told me “I may want to share my thoughts”). When Lynne got laid off the entire management and executive staff was outraged. But Lynne kept her good sense of humor and of course, being the woman she is, had a job within weeks. It was actually Lynne who redid my resume after Yahoo laid me off, haha. I miss working with her.
4. Reggie Davis – Yahoo
Talk about an inspiration! Reggie was both, an executive AND a lawyer. This makes generally a recipe for a true jerk in the business world, but not with Reggie. The man had a passion and integrity that blows mine to shreds. Never afraid to call it for what it is, speaking his mind and yet never making a fool out of himself. He was knowledgeable, incredibly intelligent, funny and highly loyal to the company and those who reported to him. Always willing to make people aware of issues with systems and policies, he ran a great ship in a battle he couldn’t have won. Hence, Reggie quit, after over 10 years. He taught me that being at the top does not equal being a jerk, self-serving, mean-spirited or indifferent.
I am definitely a better woman, employee and manager due to all of these folks. Hence, “thank you,” from the bottom of my heart. I wished there were more of you guys around!
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Posted in Things that annoy me at 9:47 am by PsychicDonut
Apparently, my rant about the beautiful employees of the world has caused some interest, and the material keeps flying my way. Turns out, delusion has really no end, and let’s face it, self-awareness and honesty with oneself is also highly overrated.
I am confused on the behavioral patterns. Imagine you are sitting in a meeting with a bunch of people. You are being asked what your progress on a specific project is and your answers are pretty limited to two choices “It isn’t my fault, because I have pointed fingers at others before and damn, you keep coming back to me and holding me accountable, when I didn’t do it,” or “it’s working for me!” Latter is a clear sign of a team player. “Well, too bad everything is going to hell for you guys, ’cause it’s working for me!” Should I mention now that these responses come from a lead? Probably not. How do you NOT feel like a total douche, and how is there no voice inside of you that wonders “geez, I keep getting the same feedback and results, I have nothing to show for. Maybe I AM the one who screwed up?”
What is wrong with companies? Why do they insist on thinking that a person that might be technically good will have leadership or management skills? And why is it that the incompetent morons in the work place don’t get fired, especially if they are not even full-time employees, but contractors or temps? Where are the brave souls of the world, who actually do have decision making power, when it comes to calling these guys on their crap? Why would you NOT take a person aside and hold them accountable for the role they have?
I have heard too many stories and witnessed a couple on my own, where one person was holding the company hostage. The company was so afraid to do something about these incompetent people, who divided up the work force and brought nothing but disruption and frustration to the floor, that they simply stood by and watched. I know of two people who were like that. They had given numerous reasons for immediate dismissal, but didn’t even get written up, because HR was too afraid of a law suit.
Somehow some corporations still haven’t learned the lesson. They keep putting project managers, IT guys and technically savvy people into management positions. They watch as these horrible managers run out one employee after another and how no one wants to work under them, and do nothing. Apparently, it is pretty easy to be promoted when you succeeded in a PROJECT, but not so easy to demote you if you terribly fail in management. I have met very few managers who are equally good at both.
My heart goes out to a bunch of people who are stuck with one such lead. A person who not only has yet to prove their worth, but keeps screwing up left and right, blaming everyone else and having accomplished nothing. The same person who keeps crying about being mistreated and disrespected on Facebook, while her co-workers have to work twice as hard to fix her mistakes, to then read her BS status updates on FB, which are an even bigger slap in the face.
Maybe in the future someone, somewhere will learn something from this. I do hope for a time where it is equally important to know what you are doing, to whom you know. And at the risk of sounding crazy, I DO believe that it is actually better, if you have to choose the lesser evil, to have a manager who may not know all the technical details, but knows how to lead and inspire. Until then, entire departments or teams are stuck with horrible leaders, who get the credit for the work they did, claiming they deserved it and feeling entitled to it. Worse, getting another great gig as a leader, doing the whole thing over again without consequences again, thereby keeping the cycle going.
I think it is most frustrating that these type of people won’t ever change. Being a victim or martyr is a way of being for some, who have perfected it to an art. There is no hope for them, because they don’t feel that they are doing something wrong to begin with. They don’t seek out coaching, or training but keep pointing fingers, keep feeling entitled and always being wronged. How bad is it, if you create the same reality day in and day out, year after year, and not ever wake up? And how easy is it to find like minded individuals, who never ever call you on it, but keep supporting you in your crap. And shall I say, when I went to a company gathering I didn’t see this incompetent lead sitting by herself. Nope, she was actually surrounded by a hand full of people who she has convinced about being the victim. And now tell me again that it doesn’t speak volumes about a person when you look at those they surround themselves with/call their friends. I quote again the German saying “Sag mir wer Deine Freunde sind, und ich sage Dir wer Du bist.” (Tell me who your friends are and I tell you who you are).
Thanks for the managers who coached me and called me on my crap, thereby making me a better leader. And thanks for the friends who do it in my personal life. And thank the universe for having the courage and self-awareness to seek those out who push me to become a better person, even if it stings at times.
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01.10.10
Posted in Marriage/Relationship Success Stories, Things that make me happy at 1:13 pm by PsychicDonut
So far this year has been amazing. My health is excellent, my body is shaping up really nice, the fat is falling off of me, my arms and legs are starting to look leaner and longer, and apparently people in Santa Maria all seem to think I am either a rock-star or actress, haha. Walking into any kind of store, or walking through the mall always turns heads. Then I get compliments on my hair and my boots, followed with the question if I am an actress or in a band. It cracks me up, because I don’t look that freaky and my tattoos are covered anyways. I think I should have changed my name to “Carma Phantasmagorica” when I became a citizen!
Anyway, this morning I was cleaning Andrew’s room and doing his laundry (because the maids only come once a week) and I thought about how happy I am. The main reason for that is my loss of fear. Fear has run my life for so long that it still feels a bit strange, almost as if one is missing an old relative, one you can’t really stand, but is nevertheless dear and known to you. The lack of fear has allowed me to do amazing things lately. Amazing, at least in my book. It has given me the ability to be absolutely truthful.
People always assume that I like confrontation. Given the fact that I tell people what I think of them, based on the blogs I write and how I have dealt with many situations, there are quite a few out there who assume that I am confrontational and combative by nature. It is the opposite! I absolutely despise it. I used to be horrified and allowed everyone to walk all over me out of fear that they would abandon me. I took an unbelievable amount of abuse and crap from people, because I was worried they’d badmouth me and walk out on me.
Everyone’s opinion mattered equally. It didn’t matter if the one who badmouthed me was a stupid loser, or someone who was close to me. I couldn’t stand the idea that anyone would think that I am not a good person, which I always worked so hard on being. It has always been important to me to have integrity, to be honest and to do good in the world and anyone who “hated” me or talked bad about me made me feel as if I failed. Hence, I would keep trying to proof people wrong, not realizing that sometimes there was simply nothing I could do to change a person’s mind, or the way they treated me.
These days I am no longer an equal opportunity people pleaser. I do realize that the opinions, thoughts and words of some people matter more than others. I learned that there is nothing I can do to safe some people, or make them wake up, or make them a “better” person. I realize that some people will never change, or have a very low chance of doing so and that I will not be the one who makes a difference in their life and brings them to their senses. I also remembered how occupying space with bodies who simply no longer serve my well-being, keeps those out who truly would and will.
I said in the prior blog how I deleted people from my contact list. Well, I asked the universe for help. There were a few individuals I simply could not shed. I still felt I needed to be there for them, or owed them something. Interestingly enough, the universe started taking them out one by one, starting already last fall. The freedom I feel from no longer being burdened with those I have to tip toe around and be careful about what I am saying or feeling, is unbelievable. It almost feels like euphoria.
I hold on to Andrew when I hug him and I want to squeeze him to death because of how happy he makes me. My biggest wish of finding the one, looking at each other and knowing instantly “this one is IT” was granted. To be with someone who loves me and needs me without being a weak, needy freak, is overwhelming. Having friends who encourage me by telling me all the great changes they have seen in me within the past few months makes me want to jump up and down.
I worked so hard. It feels as if I ran a marathon and after years reached some of the finish lines. I am still working out and still need to drop more weight to feel fully satisfied with my body, but that doesn’t scare me anymore. The weight is falling off, and it seems almost easy now, as eating right and working out hard has become part of my routine and a habit. Best compliment ever “you are so sexy,” from my husband. Watching his eyes on me and him telling me how he thinks all day long “this is my wife!” makes everything else out there, especially negativity unimportant.
Oh, and I did find a dog trainer for Andrew’s dogs. They are being trained for 5 weeks now and my kitties are safe and sound. After all, I could never give up my babies. Salem is my “son!”
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