03.05.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy at 1:38 pm by PsychicDonut
People have often asked me how one meditates. People ask, how do you quiet your own mind, when you barely find the ability to focus on a book you want to read? Hence, for all those who quiver when being presented with the idea of meditation, I want to call it something different, I am going to call it “visualization;” and I say everyone can do it, unless you are void of all imagination and don’t know how to daydream.
Why is it so important to do this? Because if one visualizes specific things over and over, they become imprinted in one’s subconscious mind, and THIS is what creates your reality. There are plenty of people who try to argue this and swear that their reality is created by conscious choices. Which is predominantly true for “healthy” people.
Let me demonstrate this. Most people have encountered at least one drama queen in their life. What I mean by that is a person who has one bad thing happen after another. A person who gets into car accidents, loses jobs, has abusive relationships, no or shitty friends, is lonely, maybe was diagnosed with cancer, gets evicted, loses their home, etc.. I think you get the picture. A lot of these things can happen to “normal” people, but what makes the “crazy makers” (how my therapist used to call them) stand out is that it never ends. It is one bad thing after another and it is never their fault. They are a constant victim of life and circumstances and while they often do have small glimpses of “truth” their story remains “It isn’t my fault and I did nothing to bring this on.” I am sure you know what I am talking about here.
To a degree one could argue that it isn’t their fault, would there not be such a thing as actively creating one’s reality. Excuse the words I am using now, but victims and martyrs have no free will at all. They are slaves to their stories of victimization and know how to suffer so much better that they actually create these bad situations, subconsciously! There is no free will, because they are conditioned to expect the worse, to “never win” and to “always get beaten.” They are not only more than three times more likely to get into accidents, but also more than five times more likely to get terminally ill. They are actively poisoning their mind, body and spirit and as many can attest, their surroundings.
Many of us had bad things happen to us. We are all survivors of one thing or another, but what differentiates us and defines us in character and spirit, is how we are dealing with the bad things and how we are treating those around us as we are hurting. Lashing out, abusing and bad-mouthing others are definitely not the strong suits of great spirit and character. Justifying one’s bad behaviors and insisting on not being at fault, having no accountability and pointing fingers is another indicator of the persons I have described above. If you now add on how no one ever does or gives enough to them, you’ll have the full picture. Like a virus, they are sucking up your energy and emotions and still remain a bucket with a huge hole on the bottom.
We do have free will and we can visualize what it is we want for ourselves. We can visualize the life we want to have, the jobs, relationships and friendships we would like to attract and we can actively work towards it by making conscious choices that support these images.
When we drop our attachment to being a victim and take true responsibility for our own well-being and state of mind, we create a world that is fairly free of suffering and predominantly filled with joy and happiness. The more we become our “higher” self, the better the quality of our lives become.
It took me a very long time to really grasp the concepts of this. When I hit rock bottom emotionally, I felt I had nothing else to lose and gave it a try. Every time I was feeling angry and bitter, I told myself out loud “STOP!” Every time I envisioned horrible things, I stopped it and if I had no tools to envision happy things, I watched a movie that made me happy, or listened to a song that makes me feel better, etc. Every time my mind would follow the hard-wired neuro-pathways in my brain to suspicion, obsession, fear and paranoia, I’d stop in mid track and either talk about it to someone I trusted, saying things like “I need your help right now,” or working out. Every time I wanted to spew negativity on my blog, I walked away and didn’t write at all. Hence, the large gaps between blogs at times.
I would find activities, words and actions that would deter the bad and negative energy, and create positive and healing energy instead. One could call it spiritual alchemy.
What started happening was remarkable! Not only were people who no longer served my path taken out, but I started attracting whatever I wanted, LITERALLY! For example, after Yahoo laid me off, I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what I wanted to do. I bounced from one idea to the next and attracted NO JOB! Finally, one day my husband asked me, “well, if you could do anything what would you want to do?” I said “I really want to do fraud prevention for gaming. I want to catch bad guys for gaming, because I love to game and I think it would be fun.” Within less than a month I received an offer as fraud consultant for one of the largest gaming companies in the world.
While I was working for them though, I realized that I actually didn’t like working for gaming. I felt that working in the gaming world was really not so different than working in the entertainment industry, which was one I always vowed I’d never work for. My contract was actually not running out until March 31, which didn’t stop me from quitting in February!
I delivered and fulfilled my contract. At the same time though, I started networking again. I was networking with so many different people that job interviews started literally pouring in. At one point I was interviewing with three companies at the same time, one of them being one of the largest corporations in the world and dangling the ultimate carrot in front of my nose.
So here were the choices: A giant who was never really rejected from anyone, a smaller company who helped people find their life partners and finally, the third one, another smaller company who actually has a mission statement that reads that they are dedicated to being a positive force in people’s life. What do they do? They provide psychic readings and astrological charts.
As soon as the job for the Psychic site was posted on LinkedIn, I received an email from one of my ex Yahoo employees. She felt that this would be perfect and after reading the job description, I had to agree. We all know that I love doing fraud prevention, but doing it for something I have incorporated in my personal life for more than ten years seemed to be a dream come true. Anyone who knows me is aware that I always “wanted to change the world.” And hello, my blog is the Psychic Donut for a reason! If you know me well, you know why it is called that!
So, before I received a job offer from any of the companies, I felt it was the right thing to do to quit. I had no other job lined up, my husband had just returned from his project, but that didn’t stop me. I had never felt stronger in my gut that I had found my purpose and it was NOT working for the giant, making a gazillion dollars and having a whole boat load of prestige attached. My calling was out there and I didn’t quite know what that would be, but I did know that I was close to finding it.
My last day with the gaming company was Friday, February 19. I had marched into my bosses office three weeks prior and told him that it was time for me to move on. At that point, the Psychics weren’t even in the picture yet. I felt in my gut that I was about to get my chance, and the feeling was so overwhelmingly strong that I walked out without having a back up.
I visualized. I decided that I wanted to align all my efforts and energy from now on with strengthening my higher self. I had signed up for Reiki I about a month earlier (and taking my intro class on Sunday), I signed up to work with Stand Up for Kids again, an organization who helps homeless children to get off the streets and asked to be their director of volunteers. I had decided that I wanted to fight fraudsters, but in an environment where it would aid other people. I had painted my picture of the life I wanted from following point, approx. 15 months ago:
1. Laid off by the company I had been with for almost 8 years
2. Dumped by the guy I was with for almost 2 years
3. Feeling utterly useless and worthless, thinking that no one in the world wants me, sees me or understands me
I got tired of my own BS and martyr story in February of 2009. I visualized a life in which I was married to my soul-mate, the man who’d love me more than anything else in the whole world and thought me all the things others did not.
I visualized working in a company that made a difference, fighting crime and having fun, whilst living in my own home.
I visualized myself getting in shape, working out, losing weight and becoming healthy. I gained a bunch of healthy muscle mass, lost 15 lbs and five inches on my waist alone. And what did my trainer teach me “I CAN’T IS NOT IN OUR VOCABULARY!”
In other words, I visualized that turning 40 would be the beginning of the life I always wanted and the death of the life I had lived, which was a lie.
I believed it so strongly that I created EXACTLY that. Top that ye of little faith, doubting Thomases and nay-saying pessimists. I have found my bliss, and I created it out of a pile of rubbish, and so can everyone else out there!
The only person that is stopping you, is you!
Permalink
02.25.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy at 11:21 am by PsychicDonut
I believe in a soul and a concept of a higher self. I recently had a discussion with a friend who said that his concept of a soul is an entity outside one’s being, but yet energetically connected. Depending on who and what surrounds us, we’ll either add or take away from this soul.
Come to think of it, this belief is very much like my own. Except that I would call it corruption of one’s soul, until there is very little left of a higher consciousness, or any type of peace, harmony or higher self.
Oddly enough, on the same day I had a conversation with another friend, who was telling me how hurt and hung up she was on an ex and how hard it was for her to let go. She felt angry and told me that when people don’t forgive her, it makes her feel like a failure. I can relate to that so well. I have gone through crazy lengths to convince people of my “goodness.”
As she was telling me about how crappy she felt. I told her that I had a theory, or something I had noticed about myself. Most of my anger and bitterness that I would spill into some of my blogs, all stemmed from people who had wronged and hurt me in the past. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get over/not forget the experience, but what made me so angry, furious and bitter, was how their blatant selfishness, mean spirit, lashing out, using me, lying to me, and utter refusal to be accountable, or even as much as apologize to me, etc. had taken away from my soul.
I remembered being one of the most bright eyed, spiritual and to a degree innocent people I knew. I had such a strong belief in the good of people, some form of higher power that was surrounding me at all times, a desire to truly walk in light and help that it never even dawned on me that some simply don’t care, won’t care, can’t care. Sometimes people would make fun of that and call me naive. But the more I ran into selfish people who claimed to care, but only did what served them, and either weakly, or strongly defending their ways, the less I believed that people were either worth saving, nor trusting. The more years went by being surrounded by weak-willed, broken people, the less I believed that anything is possible.
When one spends years with the nay-sayers who whine and “prove” that you truly are powerless, you start believing it. This is what makes these people so toxic. Just like a virus, they infect those around them. Void of hope, light or anything worthwhile to share, they suck away the energy of those who have or had it, until they become just like them. Hence, again! Look at those who are broken and see who surrounds them. Won’t be too many sane, successful and evolved people (no, I am not talking about monetary success, I have met even psychopaths who can create wealth!).
The part that sucks about having had your soul “partially eaten” is that it takes such a long time to regain the qualities you have lost. I guess for some it is impossible, and for others it is just a constant struggle, that requires a lot of self-awareness and the willingness to stop one’s own crazy behavior. It also helps to have role models!
I am lucky in that matter. I have looked around and found some amazingly inspiring people, who not just encouraged me, but inspired me to follow suit. My soul has been doing a nice healing job. I have released most toxic influences, and I no longer differentiate between those who are willingly toxic and those who claim they don’t know/it’s not their fault.
It is hard, very hard. There are times when I am utterly amazed at how loving my husband would react to certain displays of paranoia, driven by a severely broken heart and trust in anyone.
Now I have courage to do things I have NEVER done before. It is a little like remembering a past life. You kind of “wake up” and think “oh yeah, THIS is who I am supposed to be, this is who I was before.” Then, slowly but surely, you create the life that mirrors this understanding and feeling from within. When “bad” comes up you’ll diffuse it and counter it with “good.” Working out does wonders!
The miracle though is how your life aligns itself with a vision you may have had a long time ago. I think this is my true understanding of what Crowley called “doing one’s will.” And from this point on, everything almost magically falls into place. And you scratch yourself on the head and wonder “WOW! And even if it is merely my brain producing these states of bliss and well-being, I CHOOSE to believe that there is something else out there. Something I may not be able to explain, but whatever “it” is sure as hell not only heard me, but is constructing what I never, ever thought possible, and dared not believe. I am living my dream. And while I have a great love and compassion for people, I no longer care if they are doing the same. I am focusing, yet again on helping the ones that are at least partially awake, instead of trying to wake up the sleepers.”
Permalink
02.17.10
Posted in Human Behavior at 2:34 pm by PsychicDonut
Today I received this lovely piece of spam. As usual, do NOT click on the link (unless you want a pretty key-logger installed on your system that steals all your personal data).
Again, never, never, never click on links that seem to come from your financial institution! Always go directly to the URL for your bank and inquire about any supposed emails. Remember that any legitimate business or bank will never ask for your password and will definitely not threaten to close an account, unless you provide personal information to an inserted email.
Then there is the obvious, which may not be so obvious to some, NO legitimate business will have a free gmail, yahoo, hotmail, msn, ymail, live or rocketmail, etc. account and give you a ridiculous email like chasebankservices@yahoo.com.
Another good indicator, most of these phishing attempts are not actual emails, but images, such as the one below.
Permalink
02.11.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy, Things that make me happy at 5:23 pm by PsychicDonut
I truly am an idealist. I believe in “good,” and try to see the best in all people. I believe that every person has infinite possibility to create happiness and think that most people are reasonably intelligent to grasp the concept about sticking one’s finger in the power outlet over and over, will only result in getting shocked over and over. It honestly never really dawned on me that some people may not be all that bright, or that some people find a great deal of comfort in being miserable. It didn’t occur to me that some people always need attention, even if it is bad one and that some have traveled so far down the rabbit hole of denial that their idea of reality is totally and utterly distorted. I therefore used to think that certain people do certain things on purpose.
Gosh, I would get so angry and wanted to shake people while screaming “are you dense? Do you NOT see how crazy you are? Look at your life and walk back the past ten years and tell me you do NOT notice how you keep creating more of the same, day in and day out.” In a way, I would do just that at times. See, I was used to this type of behavior from being born and raised in Germany. When I screwed up my friends would hold me accountable. There were dire consequences to my behaviors, which taught me early on (when I was a teenager) that people would not tolerate constant lame excuses coming from me. In a way, my friends in Germany did anything BUT look the other way!
Another one that was very different for me in Germany was the level of loyalty. Your friends were your friends. They stuck by you through thick and through thin. They’d be brutally honest with you and if anyone hurt you, they’d go after them, or at least cast them out. Yes, the most dreaded trait I have been accused of was normal at home, we were black and white in certain areas. I didn’t have to explain myself all the time, I wasn’t seen as abrasive, but strong and loyal and I was not used to anyone sugar coating things to me, or me having to sugar coat for others.
For example, after returning to Germany for the first time after 8 years, I stepped off the plane and was greeted with “Damn, you’ve gotten fat. You need to lay off the cheeseburgers those Yanks are feeding you.” At the same token, when I came back a few years later I was told how much I have slimmed down and how good I look for my age.
I never really had to read between the lines and I sure as hell never met as many delusional folks in Germany, as I did in Los Angeles. No offense! I know lots of amazing people here too and can honestly say that they outweigh the crazy ones in my life!!
There is a certain social dance here I couldn’t quite grasp. After 17 years it is easier for me to navigate through the landmines within conversations here, but it never did feel natural. There is still a stubborn part in me that refuses to play the game, unless I absolutely have to. I felt a need to be honest at all cost. I also felt that withholding, or being quiet was being dishonest. Hence, I randomly spilled out any and every thought and emotion that would come to mind, thinking that people would get the gist, because they know me. I also felt that they would be just as thankful for someone calling them on their stuff as I was. NOT SO!
The beauty of life these days is that I have created a life that is happy and balanced. And within this life an amazing thing has happened, my priorities are finally getting aligned correctly. I am finally learning to open my mouth where I need to and should have a long time ago and where to keep it shut where I need to and should have in the past. I am learning that I don’t have to care about Joe Schmoe and Sue Schmue doing the same idiotic dance again that they have been doing for their entire life. I don’t find myself all that affected by how dishonest, weak willed, cowardly or ignorant people are, because I can choose to not have such folks in my life.
I am learning that just because someone has done a nice thing for me in the past, or has been there for me on occasion, does not mean that I owe them for the rest of my life. I know that I have paid my dues; to them and everyone else for that matter who needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on or anything else. I have learned that I deserve peace and harmony, not chaos and drama. I have learned that life is precious and goes by at the blink of an eye. I therefore have an obligation to myself to make the best of it.
I still uphold truth, honesty, loyalty and integrity as the most important traits in one’s being. I just don’t expect the rest of the world to have the same values anymore and actually make a conscious effort to stay clear of those who do not. Truth is in the eye of the beholder? I think not. There is universal truth and I am actively seeking those who walk on the same, or at least similar paths. It’s amazing how quiet and peaceful life becomes when one does just that.
Permalink
02.10.10
Posted in Human Behavior at 11:34 am by PsychicDonut
No, you did NOT win the lottery and while this one is almost humorous in its horrific English, there are people out there who would potentially believe this to be real, simply by how it looks (this specific scam had a bunch of UPS logos on the top)
UPS West London Centre353 Regis Road, Kentish RoadLondon, NW5 3UP.Email: upsdp-delivry@live.com
Good day to you. We have been waiting for you to contact us for your Confirmable Package that is registered with us for shipping of your Package to Your residential location. This is to inform you that we are in possession of your Parcel which includes a certified cheque worth of £250,000.00 and other vital documents that we facilitate the clearance of the cheque in your country. Be rest assured that, your cheque has been confirmed valid and true and delivery will be made once you have met the necessary requirements.
Note: That as soon as our Delivery Team confirms your information’s, it will take only two working days (48 hours) for your package to arrive it designated destination.
This is mandatory, kindly complete the below form to reconfirm your Postal information:
FULL NAMES: ………………………………………………….
TELEPHONE: …………………………………………………..
ADDRESS: …………………………………………………………
POSTAL: ……………………………………………………………
OCCUPATION: ………………………………………………….
STATE: ………………………………………………………………
COUNTRY: ………………………………………………………..
For your information, the Mail, VAT & Shipping fees have been paid by the Lottery Award Promo Board before your package was registered. What you need to pay is the Security keeping fee of the UPS Company as stated in our privacy terms & condition page, in order to secure your Package. The cost for the Security keeping fee is £185 GBP. Simply contact our UPS DELIVERY MANAGER Mr. Jerry Morgan, at Email: upsdp-delivry@live.com
Tel: +(44) 70240-12535
Permalink
02.04.10
Posted in Spirituality/Philosophy, Things that make me happy at 3:36 pm by PsychicDonut
In management I learned one of the most important management tools, which said that you should always strive to manage to a person’s strength, instead of focusing on their weaknesses. When people are in an environment where 75% of the time they get to do what they like and what they are good at, you end up with really productive teams and very happy people.
I have found that everything I have learned in management also applies for one’s personal life. However, this doesn’t seem as blatantly obvious to others as it is for me. I figured that there are things I can share that may explain a little better what I mean by the importance of being specific and clear.
Let’s say for a moment you are at work and you are scheduled for your quarterly review. Let’s assume you are scored on your communication skills, and you have received an average mark. When you ask your manager/supervisor why you received an average instead of outstanding score, your manager tells you something like “well, I remember an incident a couple months ago where in a meeting you said something offensive.” How are you going to learn from this? One of the first things one learns in management is to be specific and to coach as soon as the opportunity arises, and as soon as the incident is not yet forgotten. Communication in this area should always be very specific, namely what the “mistake” was and how you expect a person to fix it/conduct themselves in the future, etc.
Now transfer that philosophy to life. Let’s assume you are NOT an atheist who only believes in science. Regardless of what your faith is, I do believe that each action has a reaction. Each one of our behaviors, words, actions, emotions and thoughts create some kind of energy that surrounds us. If we are sending negative energy, we receive negative energy. If we are a positive energy, we attract positive people. Don’t believe me? Look around you and notice people who are truly positive and what type of people surround them. Then look at those who are negative and see who, if anyone, surrounds them. (This is by the way where the German saying comes from “zeige mir wer Deine Freunde sind und ich sage Dir wer Du bist” Show me who your friends are and I tell you who you are). So if we are sending wishy washy as our energy, what do we expect to come back to us?
If I want a new job and a recruiter asks me what type of job I am looking for and I reply “anything really,” what do you think will come back to me (if anything at all)? If someone asks you “what kind of relationship are you looking for?” and your answer is “I just want a cute guy who likes me,” what do you think you create with that? First of all, define “cute” to the universe, or as an energy! Good luck with that! This is why I have always believed in the importance of absolute clarity in what I want and I can attest to how well this works for me.
A few years ago I was house hunting. At this point there were literally hundreds of houses to pick from. I knew I had to be specific, so I wrote down that I wanted a house with 3 bedrooms, at least 2 1/2 baths, a minimum of 1,400 sq.ft., two stories, a town house (because I didn’t want to worry about exterior painting or paving) and not further East than Azusa. I carried this list with me and this is what I ended up with about 1 month later: a town house in Azusa, two stories, 1497 sq.ft., 3 bedrooms, 3 baths.
After Yahoo laid me off I really didn’t want to work in search marketing anymore. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and for this time nothing manifested. I got annoyed and finally told my husband that I wanted to hunt bad guys for gaming, because I love gaming. About 6 weeks later I ended up in a large gaming company, building their fraud department.
After the relationship before my husband ended, I was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to meet anyone. I was bitter, sad, disappointed and I lost my faith in relationships. When I finally decided that a broken heart was not worth giving up on my ideals of romance and love, I made a list, encouraged by one of my best friends. The list contained two columns, “Must Have” and “Compromisable.” I was VERY specific in my list and left any superficial thing out. For example, I wanted to put that I prefer “tall” but my friend asked what I would do if my perfect mate is not so tall. She told me to instead put “must have chemistry with the person.” Chemistry includes all of it, attraction and desire. Hence, I wrote “must have chemistry with the person and must be sexually compatible.” I carried said list with me in my wallet and met Andrew, my husband, about three months later. I still carry my list in my wallet, btw! It is another reminder of how accurately this technique has always worked for me. When I look at my husband, he is every point on my must have column and even most of the points on the compromisable column. The rule my friend told me was that, under no circumstance, could I compromise on the “Must Haves.”
Equally important was being specific in who I wanted to be! So I created a list for things I wanted to change within me. I also included thanking the universe for all the great friends I did have. By doing so, I found a deep and profound appreciation for all the people and things that DID surround me, versus the people and things that did not. My appreciation was so overwhelming that I made another promise to myself and the universe, which stated that I would never settle again. That from now on, I would live my heart’s desire and that any relationships, situations, friendships and jobs that would not be true to that, or to becoming my higher self were no longer tolerated, or acceptable in my life.
Needless to say, I think THIS was the biggest and strongest word I could put out there. I met Andrew THREE DAYS after that (and yes, three months after the list). I think this is why it is so important to know who you are and what you want before you are manifesting the best in life. How could you possibly manifest anything of large magnitude, if you do not even know how to visualize it, or what “it” exactly entails? So I am saying to those who doubt “Love thyself and know thyself!” If you expect the best, you truly will get it. At least that has been my experience, many lists and years later down the road 
Permalink
01.30.10
Posted in Relationships at 4:20 pm by PsychicDonut
I want to post this for one of my friends. I love you, girl and screw the Muppet. You deserve so much better! It’s German, but I translated it:
Mach Dein Licht an – Ich und Ich
Here is the translation:
A love is ending
You are left in the dark
It’s finally over
There is nothing you can change
An icy rain is falling
Straight into your life
It’s going down and not up
Put your winter jacket on and don’t give up
Turn your light on
And keep going
Turn your light on
And keep going
Illuminate the streets
Let the stars pale when you shine
Illuminate the shores
How deep is the river supposed to get
That you’re crying
Turn your light
and keep going
Turn your light on
And keep going
Someone deceived you
What’s so bad about that?
It was a false label
What is written on it
Is not what it contained
Your waterproof plan
unfortunately didn’t work out
Who knows what it is good for
Come on, you won’t give up now?
Turn your light on
And keep going
Turn your light on
And keep going
Illuminate the streets
Let the stars pale when you shine
Illuminate the shores
How deep is the river supposed to get
That you’re crying
Turn your light on
Turn your light on
Turn your light on
Permalink
01.26.10
Posted in Human Behavior, Life at 9:59 am by PsychicDonut
There are so many lessons I have yet to learn. I have learned a lot within the past year, and some things are still lingering. These are the ones that are the most deeply ingrained and the hardest to learn.
I tend to write my frustrations about the human race down, by turning to my blog. I rant about the things that deeply bother me and the ones I simply cannot grasp. I usually try to find some kind of sense when writing about the behaviors of people who seem so intelligent. It took me a while to realize that intelligence has nothing to do with self-awareness, or how well your life turns out, for that matter. It seems that intelligence would lead you to make better decisions, but I do know first hand that this isn’t the case.
Because I understand pain so well, I naturally flock to it and want to fix it. I am an equal opportunity rescuer. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, the more broken you are, the more I am, oh wait, used to be, willing to jump in to rescue you, fix you or try to help you. The lengths I would go through are insane and would range from financial help to taking people into my home, just to name a few.
The interesting thing is that I can get so frustrated when I write and come across so harsh, and yet in real life, I’d be choosing my words not only wisely, but often I wouldn’t confront people at all. Those who know me well also know that it takes me a long time to open my mouth in a harsh way and even longer to call it quits. I would swallow my frustration, sadness and whatever else they’d bring up for years.
This is the one lesson I haven’t learned yet. I used to be almost offended when certain teachings would talk about letting go of people who no longer serve you. A lot of people didn’t serve me, but I served them really well. After all, the Virgo is the sign of servitude and industriousness. We generally do well with the types who need others to build them up, serve them and make them feel better, because we tend to keep giving of ourselves until we “break.” Once we feel spent, it can get ugly, but we generally still won’t walk.
It is the lesson I have the hardest time with. Instead of trying to keep modifying my message to be more understanding and more giving and more gentle, I am learning that for some people there is no way they get it. There is no way I can modify my words or attitude to make them understand, because they are too far entangled into their stories of not getting it and of nothing being their fault/having no power whatsoever.
I wished I would have learned this lesson earlier in life. I have spent many years trying to help fix broken people. The cost was pretty dire in some cases and nearly did me in a few years ago. There is only so much life, energy and heart one can suck out of you, before you crash. I crashed and had to learn to build myself up and do a better job. I didn’t though, for another 2 years. It is, after all, my taught duty to just take it to the chin and keep trying.
I am getting closer to grasping this lesson of letting go of people and situations who no longer/don’t serve my well-being at all. What is the point of keeping anyone who keeps making you miserable, who you don’t respect, who you can’t bear to listen to and who drives you crazy most of the time? And no, I am not only talking about relationships, but also about friends, companies and co-workers. I guess, for me the point always was to hope that one day they’d wake up. Well, 99% of them never did, to this day.
So last night I dreamt of my best friend in Germany. My best friend when I was a teenager and the equivalent to my sister. That is until she became a heroin addict. She has been hooked on this crap for well over 10 years. She is too far gone and at this point, the chances that she will EVER get off of it are slim to none. So, last night I dreamt that she was homeless now and that her 7 year old daughter was living with her on the streets. She was carrying nothing but a basket of dirty laundry, which she was bringing to a laundry mat. She was dressed all in black; black sweat pants, and a black hoody, with the hood moved deep into her face. She was a walking skeleton, deep circles under her eyes and walking like an old woman.
In my dream I drove by her in the car on the way to the airport. And my other friend said “don’t look, Carmen. It IS her!” I felt my heart breaking and I leaned over to hold on to my friend and started crying for the woman who once was my sister and now is “dead.” The last time I saw her, she said “I wished you would have never moved to the States. If you would have stayed here, I would have never gotten hooked on this shit.” This is when I walked away and never saw her again after.
There was/is nothing I could do. When someone is so deep in denial that they look back at their life and all they can say is “if x, y and z wouldn’t have happened, I’d be a better person now,” while continuing their self-destructive ways, I must turn away. And yet, it is ripping my heart out, for how would I be me, if I am not a person with deep compassion for those who screw up their own lives?
All these broken souls have worn me out. I think THAT is the reason that I am so angry and harsh at times. I think I have to just learn to walk and not look back, so I can be the best I can be. I am dreading this lesson more than anything else. It is so hard for me to let go, even of those who have hurt me deeply, humiliated me, bad-mouthed me or let me down. I still keep thinking that it somehow “wasn’t their fault.” And so, I have spent years feeding into them remaining the same and not learning anything at all. Now I am learning when to really walk away and that is going so far against my grain that it hurts a lot. But at the end of the day, you can’t unlearn the things you’ve learned, so I guess, onward I go.
Permalink
01.22.10
Posted in Life, Things that make me happy at 7:17 pm by PsychicDonut
Right now, I am honestly feeling as if I am living my dream. The sad thing is that there was a time where I couldn’t quite imagine such a thing, and hence, kept inviting the same scenarios, relationships and friendships into my life.
I don’t have the answers and I honestly do not know how it clicked for me. Maybe I simply got tired of feeling depressed and down for imaginary and stupid reasons. I was so busy whining about not having x, y, z that I blatantly missed the people who kept having my back and kept trying to encourage me, and also kept believing in me. They saw things in me I couldn’t and one day it suddenly all clicked. From that moment on life changed, and has never been the same again.
Maybe all I did was desperately focusing on the things I did have and ignoring the ones I didn’t. And now, over a year later, I find myself married to my soul-mate, the best husband one could ever ask for. And no, I am not claiming that Andrew is perfect, but I am saying that he makes me happy, because he loves me fiercely and sees that person in me, that others often missed. He makes me feel safe, wanted and loved and with him by my side I feel I can do anything!
My professional life is going great, and while I cannot share any details at this point, it seems that my biggest dream in that department is also coming true, again. I am fighting bad guys, I do what I love and I get paid well for it.
And lastly, there is the one that seemed the hardest out of all of them, my exterior. I spent many years focusing on my interior, and I don’t even want to go into why I did that.
I am still not a superficial person, but I do have a strong drive for being healthy right now. It is fair to say that I am getting into the best shape I have ever been in my life. I am eating healthy, I drink lots of water, I quit smoking, I work out very hard and I do cardio a minimum of 4 times a week, usually more like 5 or 6.
My energy is going through the roof, I have tons of stamina; where I would last a measly 5 minutes on the elliptical, I can now do 2o minutes and then run on the treadmill for another 15. My metabolism has sped up so much that I burn about 2100 calories on a day where I do no exercise. My arms and legs are starting to look leaner and longer and the fat is melting away. I haven’t achieved my full goal, but I am well on my way.
I am doing things these days that I NEVER thought possible. My mind has gotten powerful enough to overwrite whatever negative messages I have stored on that hard-drive of mine, also known as the brain. When I get tired of eating right, working out so hard, or holding steadfast to my values, this voice comes in and says “you are only sabotaging yourself. You CAN do this. “No” is not an option.” And with that comes this burst of energy that keeps me going, every day.
It isn’t just that my life is turning out to be the dream I always had, but it is also that I am attracting things and people that support this new model.
For me it has always been the worst when certain people would call me judgmental. I would sit there and ponder why I am so judgmental, never realizing that the same people would be in my face for being so weak and not discriminating in who I was dating or what friends I kept. I interpreted judging as such a bad thing that anyone was allowed to come in, take whatever they wanted, walk all over me and then leave, bad-mouthing me. I have helped plenty of people, because there were plenty of people out there who helped me out when I was down, and quite a few of them not only never thanked me, but turned on me. They were endless holes of neediness, drama, negativity and crap and no matter how much understanding, love or care anyone poured in, it never was enough.
I am proud to say that yes, I AM judgmental. Nope, I no longer want everybody and anybody in my life. I do not require 100 friends, I am good with the few ones I do have. No, I am not unkind and I would give you my last dollar, have you stay at my house if you lost your place, lend you my car, get you a job and help you whenever you are down without question, but no, I would no longer do it for everyone. I no longer care what people think, because I have learned that those I do want in my life, are not the ones who keep attacking me for being judgmental, too harsh, or having “unreasonable values.”
It is funny how violently people react once you are no longer willing to put up with their shit and once you call them on it. You make enemies that way, but thankfully, not too many, and definitely not people I’d care to keep around anyway.
I have started to write my second book. And yes, it is the “Managing the Delusional” book I have often talked about
I am not perfect, but at least I am constantly trying to learn and become a better person. I had to learn the hard way that simply holding your cheek out to get smacked around over and over, is NOT the definition of being a good person and will not bring love and happiness into your life. I had to make a stand for myself to make that happen. It’s a bit wobbly, but it feels amazing.
What was my lesson I refused to learn for so many years? Oh yeah, I know now “How happy I am and how successful I am, is a direct result of what is in my mind, spirit and heart. Happiness and contentment exponentially increase when I am willing to stand for myself and others with truth, integrity and strength, when I eliminate fear and when I stop caring about what the wrong people think of me.”
So if anyone wants to point their finger at me again, they can. But I have a nagging suspicion that they will not be the ones who live their life to the fullest and are amazingly happy and content. And I have one example about that. The ones who were excited about me getting married and were happy were people who were in happy relationships or marriages. The ones who told me to wait longer, watch out and painted doomsday pictures, were the same ones who were single, or miserable.
So, I prefer to keep those who teach me with kindness how to become a better person and lead by example.
Permalink
01.21.10
Posted in Miscellaneous at 9:00 pm by PsychicDonut
Today I received this lovely scam in the mail. Hence, I am issuing another friendly reminder to NEVER click on links you receive in your email, unless you really know the source!!!
This one is very sad. The grammar and spelling is so atrocious that I can’t believe anyone in their right mind would click on this. I also like how I “really need digial goods, like a motorcycle!” *sigh* DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK!!!!!
Dear friend:
Heya,happy new years. how are you doing recently ? I would like to introduce you a very good company which I knew.
Their company homepage is www.crazy-digital.com.
They can offer you all kinds of electronical products which you need, such as motorcycles, laptops, mobile phones, digial cameras, TV LCD ,x box, ps3, gps, MP3/4, etc. Please take some time to have a look at it, there must be something you ‘d like to purchase.
Hope you have a good mood in shopping from their company!
Regards
Permalink
« Previous entries Next Page » Next Page »
