06.18.09
Time – The Guarantee for a Successful Marriage and Life
I remember when I was a kid, reading fairy tales and adventure books I had gotten in the library. Geez, my own life and childhood sucked so bad that the only thing I had most of the time were the stories in my head. Oh yeah, I want to slightly modify a great line from “Tropic Thunder” “my head movies sure as hell made my eyes rain a lot.” I would read about princes and princesses, about love conquering all and think to myself “yep, one day that will happen to me!”
I did witness quite a few miracles throughout my life. I found magical connections, learned a lot about different things, traveled, moved across continents and the only true lesson that proved itself over and over was the one that nothing lasts and that there are no guarantees for anything. I saw people go out of their ways to create security for themselves, even if it was mere pseudo-security. Human beings love guarantees and like to think that the things they do will have lasting value. I created my pseudo-security by taking “calculated” risks. If the odds of something not panning out were too great, I wouldn’t even attempt it. I missed out on many great opportunities and sometimes I saved my butt.
As the years continued I found myself caught in conflicting places. I was idealistic to the point of being delusional and at the same time I was skeptical and distrusting of anyone or anything. I figured studying different philosophies and religions would sooner or later take care of that issue and often found myself even more confused. I would be an angel, holding the other cheek, helping others, trying to teach them and kindly extend my hand to everyone, including strangers and at the same time I could be this angry, bitter and unforgiving person, ready to shred you into pieces if I found you guilty of being selfish, mean, harsh or hypocritical. I tried to never be a hypocrite myself and yet that was exactly what I was at times, especially when I would go after someone and beat them with their own weapons.
I got older and better in some things but nothing really made up for the fact that I really did feel as if I belonged nowhere and with no one. It sounds terribly gothic and dramatic and yet, I really DID feel like a broken angel. Most of my beliefs had been beaten out of me and most of the time I felt like I was surviving and defending myself to everyone all the time. I was sad that I never had a true family, namely with a full set of parents and tons of relatives. I was sad that I was not married and did not have children. For the longest time I didn’t want children. I was too afraid I would be a bad mother, or that I would not be patient enough. My relationships I’d often enter with the “shelf-life” in mind. I knew that it was just a matter of time until “he” would find out who I truly am (whatever the hell that was in my head) and would run or cheat. So I’d be the best woman I could be, all the while patiently waiting for the hammer to drop.
Meanwhile, most of the people around me had gotten married and some had kids. I was too busy trying to rescue the world, trying to fix people and taking care of others and never noticed that life was kind of slipping away. I always felt I had more time and that was the story I was sticking with. I figured there was time to figure things out and hey, I had long accepted that maybe all I could ask for was some guy who wouldn’t cheat and had some things in common with me. I figured happiness is what I make it and if nothing at all, I always had the ability to make the best out of every situation, no matter how bleak it seemed.
It was not until I turned 39 and thought “oh shit, I am almost 40″ that it dawned on me that time is not quite so limitless as I thought it was. Maybe the universe agreed. My 39th birthday was a disaster and ended with the grand finale of being dumped by the guy I was with at my best friend’s house on Halloween. He did mean to break up with me the day after my birthday but gave it until Halloween to be completely sure, following a “break” of a month prior in which I never saw him or heard from him. So here I sat at the back steps of my friend’s place and thought “girlfriend, you are doing it wrong!” She and her boyfriend took care of me and said “write a list! You need to stop settling! Write the list of things you MUST HAVE and things you can compromise on. You can NEVER ever compromise on the Must Haves!”
I did write a list, namely right before I flew to Germany to stay with my friend who needed me. I came back on Saturday, I got laid off on Wednesday and thought “YAY! I have no one and nothing at all. That makes it a clean slate, I guess.” I spent Christmas and New Year’s making plans for a better future and found my problem. I started writing a book and finally figured out why I hadn’t found what I truly wanted. I made a vow to never settle again. Sadly, these vows and revelations were originally written down in old posts on my blog here. Posts that are now lost and no longer available, ha.
I released my hurt and anger and felt happy that I was learning to put up boundaries. I went on more dates than I ever did in my entire life, simply so I could say “no.” I also figured out that “dating” isn’t for me and then realized I needed to go back to my roots of the idealist and dreamer, minus the sarcasm and cynicism the rest of the world was sporting. For all that I cared, everyone could go to hell, especially the “nay” sayers. I was happy and no longer afraid.
I met Andrew in March. It was like in one of the great books or movies, such as “The Notebook” or “P.S. I love you,” and after being divorced for 13 years I decided to get remarried. Andrew did propose to me within a month; apparently he felt the same 
Yes, we sure shocked a hell of a lot of people. We were “warned” by numerous sources that we are “rushing” into things, that we should wait, that we don’t know each other and that people are merely “concerned” about us. Interestingly enough, the warnings came from either very unhappy people, or single people. Some, I am sure are sitting there waiting for this to “blow up in our faces” and waiting for us to not make it. The odds ARE against us, given the fact that about 50% of all marriages end in divorce. I am a bit luckier than Andrew. This is my second marriage and generally second marriages for people who are “older” have a better chance for survival. However, Andrew is screwed because he has not been married before. He is also three years younger than me.
Within this short time I have learned that numerous people I know had gotten engaged or married within weeks and are still together. I also learned that some who played it “safe” and waited a few years before they got married still got divorced. I guess, time is not an indicator, I guess there is no guarantee, besides the commitment to do your best to not become a statistic.
I am turning 40 in September. It took me 13 years to get remarried. I feel that Andrew is my soulmate and he feels the same about me. What we did is highly unusual and definitely a bit crazy, but sometimes one has to take the plunge in order to win big. I am happy beyond words, even though I am bogged down by trying to find a new job, trying to consolidate households, trying to pack up my house and having so much work ahead of me. But I find that I had been right about one thing most people always made fun of, nothing else truly matters or is all that bad when you love someone and get loved in return. Somehow love does make it all worth while.
