06.19.09
Dark Is Just a Style
Last night I was taken out for dinner from my old Yahoo team and management, to celebrate that I got married recently. We had a great time and I learned that the book I am writing is actually scientifically supported by something called the “Blink” factor. Anyways, we sat and had great food, margaritas and everyone was excited to meet Andrew. He had driven straight from work to the restaurant, even though he was exhausted from having been in the office all day.
When he arrived, Kim asked him all about digital effects and what he does at work, but what interested people the most was how we had met. So I told them about the OKCupid site and how I kept seeing him on my “stalker” page but he wouldn’t contact me. This is when Andrew told his perception of me, which I thought was pretty enlightening.
He said that he was immediately attracted to me. He said I came across smart, articulate, hot, beautiful and kind and he definitely liked the fact that I was dark. I gave him a puzzled look and said “but there is nothing dark about me.” Everyone on the table disagreed. I got a bit scared, because “dark” is the last thing I want to portray and then got the best explanation ever. The girls said that “dark” to them meant that I am not conventional and don’t look mainstream. But it was Andrew who provided the most interesting and detailed explanation. We all thought it was the best and most articulate explanation ever.
He said that “dark” does not correspond to a person’s energy, or way of being. It has very little to do with their personality, but everything with the way they dress and appear on the outside. He said “dark is just a style, not a way of being! There is not necessarily a negative attached to someone telling you that you are “dark.” Who knew??
He said the reason that he didn’t contact me right away was that I was dark. He always preferred dark girls. He said that my package presented to him was perfect and everything he would go for, but he said “I kind of figured that it might not be a good idea to go after that anymore. Dark in the past meant crazy, psychotic, bi-polar, screwed up and filled with problems and issues, not to mention no direction in life.” He said he was done with that. He said that this had always been what he was attracted to but the price that would come with it was something he no longer wanted to pay. I remembered how he even put in his profile something like “bi-polar need not apply.” He said it was hard for him because he couldn’t resist looking at my profile, which then was something we all discussed. What makes a profile stand out from others!
Turns out, we women (well, if we are business women) will definitely pay attention to spelling and punctuation. We do not give the time of the day to guys who don’t know how to articulate themselves. For men it is the visual aspect first but in Andrew’s case it was also what I had to say and how I said it. He was intrigued enough to keep coming back to my page and reading it and was worried that my “dark style” would mean more of the same of what he had experienced in the past, and yet could not ignore what I had to say about myself. He definitely did read the entire profile and picked up certain queues, such as “worked at Yahoo for many years in management,” “writes her own blog,” etc.
Thank god that my darkness truly is just a style! It would have been an immediate deal-breaker had I been dark in my attitude or demeanor.
I am honestly experiencing the greatest mix of all. I have often doubted myself within the past few years, given the men I attracted and how they treated me. There was this constant thought that I somehow just wasn’t exciting enough to hold anyone’s attention. I had quite a few “stories” in my head and find them reduced to whispers. I always said that compliments from other women or from a gay friend mattered more. They had no ulterior motive and so would speak truthfully about what they saw. I would often wonder how it would be if my man would see me through eyes like that. Turns out, it’s amazing.
I am not perfect but Andrew makes me feel stunningly beautiful. It actually does inspire me to try a lot harder when it comes to my exterior. The fact that he is so proud of me makes me work hard on keeping it that way. He thinks I look hot and even when I am in my worst clothes, like pajamas and don’t wear make-up, I am still “warm.” There is something incredibly intimidating and sexy about the way he will gaze down at me, so self-assured and yet not arrogant. It is the look of a man who knows what he wants and will go after it.
I guess, he is what I wanted too. I always liked “dark” myself. He is tall, black hair, blue eyes and always wears black. He is all dark, but thank god, as a style only. ‘Cause darkness is a style, not a way of being 
Heathecliffe said,
June 19, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Interesting … I have been trying to give off a ‘dark’ vibe for years to attract ‘dark’ men because that’s what turns me on. As it turns out I just attract weirdos, mental cases, geeks, losers, confirmed bachelors, and men who clearly only want to buy into the fantasy image of myself that I am portraying online. It is in my innocence that I choose not to see the ‘dark’ as potentially coming from a bad place, which often it does. That is why I could never deal with the so-called Goth scene. Physically I could pull off the look, visually I often was attracted to the people, ideologically I could relate to the dreariness and loved the music, but I never ‘belonged’ in my heart or in my mind with the other ‘dark’ folk. I didn’t get them and I assumed they didn’t get me. I have been dealing with my whole association with this phenomenon in therapy – I feel it is part of me and yet it is also leading to my detriment in the love department. Owning up to the fact that if I continue to insist on meeting my ‘dark’ match I may never find love is very, very difficult for me. It’s like giving up part of my soul.
All I can say is – you are super lucky to have found another ‘darkling’ who isn’t all jacked up in the head!
PsychicDonut said,
June 19, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Ha, but see how Andrew clearly noted that there is an expectation/negative anticipation most “healthy” people have with the dark image.
I think this is why communication is so important. One will know if the person is “dark” in their being or not.
Heathecliffe said,
June 19, 2009 at 6:34 pm
The 5 hallmarks of a good relationship:
1. Shared Values
2. Mutual Commitment to the Relationship
3. Sexual Connection
4. Emotional Connection
5. Intellectual Connection
Just something I read and wanted to share. (I is learning!) Of course, I’ve always known these things to some extent. They seem so simple, and yet I can’t imagine finding a person who covers all of these qualifications!
PsychicDonut said,
June 19, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Oh dear, these are so rudimentary that it baffles me that we even need to list them. If you do think about them, they are actually not THAT hard!
Don’t be so hard on yourself, girl. Remember the psychic!
Heathecliffe said,
June 23, 2009 at 12:20 pm
It seems to be getting items #2 and #3 together that poses the most trouble for me. But I do have a more positive attitude of late.
I’m glad I saw that psychic – I know all my worrying about this is counterproductive so replacing that with a positive story is a smart move for me. Regardless, I still hope she is right
PsychicDonut said,
June 23, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I am all about self-fulfilling prophecy!