06.25.09
Facebook and Other Social Networking Sites
I have noticed something rather strange today and that is how much we sometimes live our lives kind of isolated and how we are reducing our communication to status comments on social networking sites and so on. It is also rather interesting how deleting people from your profile is either seen as passive aggressive (which it actually is for some people who prefer to not talk to the person who offended them), or as totally insulting.
I have weeded out quite a few people from my Facebook within the past week or so. I deleted about 40 people and I didn’t do it because I hate them or can’t stand them. I merely deleted the people who never talk to me, have no interest in my life whatsoever and don’t really add to my life. It’s not necessarily that they are distracting either but I find things much easier to manage when I have business colleagues and friends only on my site. It also greatly reduces the risk of posting anything that might offend someone, or anything that feeds into any rumor mills of any cliques or groups.
I remember when I used to be on MySpace, Livejournal and Facebook. I also remember what constant sources of drama and bullshit were fed especially through Livejournal and MySpace. It got to the point where it started ruining my moods and allowed the wrong people in. I remember finding out that I was “in a relationship” not because I actually was, but because the guy I was with finally decided to no longer pretend to be “single.” I remember when my therapist asked me “does ANYTHING positive come from any of these sources?” I shook my head and got quiet. I felt ashamed about how much something so stupid could run my life.
It was scary, believe it or not to delete my pages on MySpace and Livejournal. Not until a few months later did it actually feel liberating. Facebook never did scare me because it is set up in a different way and is pretty drama free. Maybe this is due to the fact that more than half of my Facebook “friends” are business associates/ex Yahoo co-workers.
Yes, communication between people has definitely changed. We hardly ever call each other, instead we text, email, twitter (another phenomenon I just can’t get into), leave status updates on Facebook (some change them about every hour) and we blast our lives on the Internet for the world to see. Nothing is private anymore, unless you play it safe in the opposite direction and hide behind all these pages to “spy” on your “friends” without ever revealing a thing about yourself.
I used to put so much stock in all of these things. To a degree I still do have the wrong idea about “friends.” Yes, I still think that “friends” owe you some kind of basic maintenance to at least sometimes say “hello,” or to wish you luck, or congratulate you, etc. I also think that “friends” owe you a honest conversation if you offended them. To me “friends” are not just faces on some networking site I see when I go through my “friends” list. But having my idea of friendship helps me then to delete those who simply ignore me and my life. It makes things easier.
Life has become more simple this year and a bit more complicating in some areas. I have been stripped of my securities and all the things I deemed so important. Losing my job and livelihood were the scariest things I ever had to endure, while allowing me to focus on what I wanted and what was important. Most of my self-worth had come from my career, when it was taken from me I felt naked, insecure and worthless to a degree.
Above all though, I learned yet again the true power of friendship and love. Throughout being unemployed, a bad economy, fear of losing my home, finding Andrew, getting married and swinging wildly between the extremes of bliss and devastation, I learned not only who my friends were but also how many friends I actually have. What was really amazing to me was that some people I would never have expected came out of the woodworks to brighten my day, or life in some way, while others simply vanished (no, this does not include my four musketeer best friends). Learning all this has given me the “strength” to say “I do not dislike or hate you and I don’t have negative feelings towards you, but that doesn’t mean I need you to be part of my life.”
I had to learn how to set boundaries and I learned a great deal about that. For that I am thankful. Turns out, friends are the ones who call you to see how you are, who take you clothes shopping because you have no sense of style, who tell you a joke, give you a hug, who tell you that they are proud of you and that they believe in you. Friends are people who tell you that you inspire them and people who inspire you; those who challenge you to grow as a person and call you on your bullshit. Friends are in your face honest, not to hurt you or lash out at you, but because they care. Friends are interested in your life and what you do, even if it is only once every few months. Friends are not lifeless pictures or body count on websites, and friends are not people I may have met many years ago and have no connection with anymore at all. Come to think of it, it’s pretty easy: Friends are ACTIVELY in your life, even though it may only be once in a while!
Heathecliffe said,
June 26, 2009 at 3:20 pm
What is called a ‘friend’ on Facebook can mean different things. As a tool for socializing and networking for other purposes I find Facebook invaluable. We all have our lives scattered these days – nobody stays in one neighborhood, part of the city, job, or social group forever. I have ‘friends’ I see every week, I seldom see, I have met once, or that I haven’t seen for 23 years. There are people I care a lot about and people I really don’t know. I added them because I am interested in seeing what they are up to. I see it as a community, and you never know what you might learn or benefit from having a certain person on your list. It’s not like it costs anything! Of course, there are negative possibilities as well, such as gossip or negativity, but you really can’t avoid that online or offline. If it does cause you misery, I support your decision to not do it.
However – as the hermit I know you to be, I am surprised that you want to make your online community even smaller. It’s fine to be selective in which people you keep closest, but don’t exclude everybody else. Believe me, I know from experience that it’s dangerous. We all move on with our lives and make new friends, get new jobs, get married, etc. – but you don’t have to ditch your entire past in the process. I know which cliques you are attempting to remove from your life, and why you feel the way you do, but don’t alienate yourself over it. I am only saying this because some of the people you culled are now asking me questions as to why you did this, and they feel a little miffed. I know it wasn’t personal – you removed them because they know some people who don’t like you, or are associated with a part of your past you’d perhaps rather forget. But I don’t really have the answers for them, and I don’t like to have that bad feeling hanging around – it puts me in an awkward position. It’s your decision to make, who you remove or keep, but it does leave something in its wake, regardless of how you define a ‘friend’.
PsychicDonut said,
June 26, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Miffed? Hmm, I wonder if the miffed people are those who haven’t talked to me in months, never respond to texts, emails or comments and overall don’t seem to care about me at all. Of course, they would not really ask ME, but someone else.
Maybe THAT is what I am avoiding. My friends are honest with me, especially when they are angry. There was a person who I noticed had deleted me a while back on Facebook. I did ask her in an email why she did so. I never got an answer. But at least I asked her.
People who care about me would talk to ME and tell me if I am wrong.