Here is another great saying that usually just serves as an excuse for lousy character and behavior. Not only have I heard other people say stuff like that a million times before, but I as well, have used the same excuse for others in the past.
Let’s examine this statement closer: “He/She is a good person at the core!” Somehow that sounds to me as if I am saying “well, he/she is a real douche on the OUTSIDE but on the INSIDE they are really good.” Somehow I must have gotten it all wrong, for I always thought that actions, thoughts, behaviors, emotions and spoken word defined one as a good person. I was not aware that some poor, unlucky bastards are merely pretending to be selfish, cruel or abusive, when they are just misunderstood and a total jewel on the inside. <– insert loser “L” on forehead here!
I have news (here I point out the obvious again!)! We all start out good at the core. Sometimes our core gets corrupted and it’s not always by what has been done to us, but by what we do. If I was abused or treated poorly, I can still choose to not be the same way. I can choose to not do drugs that alter my core (like meth/speed), I can choose to not abuse others, to not be an opportunist, be violent, cruel or mean. If we act in these “dark” ways, we will corrupt even the best core in time with our own choices! This is where it comes in handy to be mindful and self-aware, and this is where it comes in handy to surround oneself with those who keep us honest. Oh, and of course, this is where it is on us to choose right from wrong.
I talked to one of my best friends today who pointed out that I have unusually high values. I am not sure that was a compliment, even though she meant it as such. I honestly don’t think I have unusually high values. Geez, I am no Dalai Lama, I am impatient, abrasive and flat out rude at times with my big mouth but yes, I have values. I do believe in a common decency, respect for others and self, honesty and integrity. If I violate these rules, I have the obligation to own up to my crap and apologize, and if fixable, to fix it. I am not allowed (at least not for long) to point fingers at others and feign ignorance for having been a bitch.
That is how I tend to separate the good core from the bad apple. The good core truly is good and makes amends. The good core lives by a certain code of ethics and values that the bad apples merely imitate. So, forgive me if I stand aside and puke if I hear again what a good core a person has who wanders about bashing people’s hearts and heads in. And yes, this is for one of my bestest friends in the world, who was hurt by a total douche who claims to be a good person at the core!
Tags: cheaters, douche bags
I really don’t know what to think of people anymore. I used to believe people could change, then went the complete opposite direction after my 1st divorce. Now- I don’t know. Current studies in psychology suggest that brain patterns in people with diagnosed psychological issues were actually FORMED by how they dealt with things that happened to them as children. The brain itself also has the ability to rewire itself to make up for problems (for example, a blind person “reading” Braille is actually using the “vision” section of the brain, not the “touch” section.) So can the brain be rewired to “fix” these problematic psychological issues? Could we actually “heal” a sociopath? I still have my doubts -and in the case of someone such as a child sex offender, my opinions are quite strong (cut it off! -if he, or she, uses a hand or fingers, cut them off too- I have no mercy when it comes to someone hurting a child!)
Now here’s where I do a 180- my 1st husband was emotionally abusive. Of course eventually that became physical at which point I had him immediately removed from our house and never looked back. That said, he is the only man I’ve been with that at least made the ATTEMPT to change, to be better, if only I had had the strength at the time to stand up to him more often. On the rare occasion that I did, it wasn’t so much that I stood up to him as that he noticed some small change in my demeanor and demanded to know what the problem was. When I told him (for example when he was blasting me with profanities and called me a “cunt” – a word which for some unknown reason I have a particular aversion to) he would at first get even angrier, but he would eventually apologize and he NEVER DID THAT PARTICULAR THING AGAIN! And for his faults he was a very good provider- he took pride in being able to provide for his family so that I could stay home with the kids, and we ate well (not lobster or prime rib but we never went without) and never did the kids have to wear worn or outgrown clothing. At the time however, I didn’t see the power I had to help him change, to help him become a better man. And then it was too late -the knife at my throat was an absolute deal-breaker- I actually made an attempt at reconciiation, but when he took hold of my hands to plead for another chance I immediately felt like a small animal caught in a bear trap and knew I couldn’t go through with it.
My last boyfriend -now that one’s a case for Sigmund Freud. Somehow I seem to attract people who seem like “nice guys” to almost everyone, but actually have some ridiculous relationship defect. This one is, on the surface, very conscientious, a hard worker, friendly, generous, compassionate, good to his mother (remember that last one) – but it was only on the surface. At his “core” he is completely incapable of any emotional generosity, any true caring, any attachment (except to his mother) -for example, he rarely called me on the phone or visited me at work (we work at the same place so all that involved was walking to the other side of the store). If he sensed that I might be angry that he didn’t call, he’d avoid me altogether but act as if nothing was wrong if we happened to pass each other. Even if I didn’t show up at his place on a night when I was expected or likely to (we used to watch “Heroes” together) he wouldn’t even call to make sure I was okay and not in a ditch somewhere. And every attempt I made to communicate how this hurt me only made it worse. He is NOT capable of changing- somewhere in his tragic childhood, his neurotic mother’s problems got him stuck. His brain is stuck in childhood, stuck in time where his mom is the only woman he can trust and the only one who needs him and won’t judge him. He’s hopeless…
So I got to thinking that I should have tried harder to make the first marriage work- at the time I had been praying that God would show my husband how wrong he was, and at the time I was angry at God for how it turned out, but maybe He (or She or whatever) had actually answered my prayer and I missed my cue -but I can’t change the past.
So I got to thinking that maybe I needed to find a “bad boy” with a “heart of gold” – like maybe a tough biker type who spends his spare time doing rides for Toy for Tots or something? And maybe some that put on a tough exterior really are good at the core- but then “tough” and “douche” are not necessarily the same (actually the douches are usually suffering from a “lack of manhood”). Ultimately I think what you said sums it up- no matter what the exterior, the good live by certain standards, and short of possible occasional brief moments of exasperation with the rest of humanity, those standards are constant.
And yes we ultimately all have a choice- my mother’s constant criticism and occasional abuse of me made me determined to treat my own children with respect, encouragement, and unconditional love (even more so to counteract both their father’s and stepfather’s not so loving treatment of them) and I’m proud to say they have grown into truly compassionate, kind, respectful and wise-beyond-their-years young adults.
PS- I hope your friend rises above the douchebag’s crap and finds her inner strength: “Nobody can hurt me without my permission” ~ Mohandas Ghandi
*gasp* Again, no wonder you feel as strongly about my posts as I do. The similarities in our lives are stunning to me!
I have dated at one point a sociopath. Luckily I got out under a year, but that was enough to change my outlook and life forever. Somehow he changed something in my core and it was the very same belief you talked about “people can change. There is no such thing as a true bad person.” I was wrong, so wrong that it cost me dearly. Yes, one of his favorite terms of endearment for me was also “cunt” which is a word I use in very rare occasions. Mostly, I couldn’t hate any woman enough to call her that.
I also ended up with the “good guy.” At least that is how the whole world seems to see him, because he doesn’t really reveal anything about himself to anyone. Why? Because he is also totally incapable of feeling, trusting or sharing. Yes, he too would not notice if I wouldn’t show. He wouldn’t call, return calls, answer emails or anything like it and overall really didn’t seem to care at all about me. I guess, the only reason he was with me is because he felt lonely and I am not a bad person. His attraction and excitement seemed to be reserved predominantly for girls considerably younger, or total psychos/cheaters, etc. But yes, on the exterior he was your “nice guy.”
I don’t want to go into childhood, but mine was extremely abusive to say the least. And yes, I’ve made my choices, I’ve formed my values and although I struggle at times, although I act like a complete jerk at times, I always try do follow the “code:”
1. Acknowledge your own shit. Own up to it and apologize without finger pointing or excuses
2. Offer a solution to how you will “clean up” your mess
3. State a solution/actions you will take in the future to not repeat your douchish behavior
truly scary – BUT you did finally find a great guy -so I guess there’s hope for me someday too? if not, oh well – I don’t mind being the Crazy Cat Lady
This is exactly how I viewed it! I decided to rather be the crazy cat lady, or the WoW playing geek, than being wtih some who made me feel unloved, unwanted, not cared for, or abused me! Or being with someone who simply does not fit with me.
I think the number one reason for love and staying in love is a feeling of belonging with that person; and no other!