The average has changed in many areas of life. The average clothing size of women is now a 12 to 14. The average age when women give birth has gone up and 50% of all babies are born to women in their 30s and 40s. The average height of women in America is 5’4,” our life expectancy has gone up to about 75 and we have found many ways to beat death or aging…to a degree!
I am turning 40 tomorrow and for the first time in my life am not looking forward to my birthday. I couldn’t quite figure out why this one is putting me in such a bad mood, when overall I never cared about my age. I was one of those who never wanted to be older or younger, but always felt OK with whatever age I was. This one is different.
I think at age 40, or in one’s 40s, we realize a few things that we didn’t realize before. I think reaching 40 for me is different, because it shows reality so much “harsher” than any other time before. Somehow in my 20s and 30s there was always a “I can do that later,” and I can put it off for when I am ready. Of course, in some things “ready” never quite came and so I am presented with what truly is, versus what I envisioned as a kid. And what truly is, is the fact that I am just average.
I fought being average for as long as I remember. I had this horrible fear of disappearing completely if I would be like “everyone else.” Oddly enough, that is exactly what I am. I am the average size 12, the average 5’3,” drive the average American car, get up every morning to earn a living, and no, it’s not in some glamorous way like acting, or singing, etc. I never did become like Madonna and no, I wasn’t the second Betty Page. My looks are not average, because of the hair colors I am sporting, the way I dress and my tattoos, but my life, my thinking and being very much are.
I have lived half (or maybe more than half?) of my life and the choices I’ve made, the turns my life took are vastly different from what I envisioned when I started out. Don’t get me wrong, my life went in many ways BETTER than I envisioned it. In my own way I did a few things that are extraordinary given where and how I started out, but there was a “ceiling” to it all. I fought so hard to not be average and find myself thinking “hm, but that’s who you are.”
I wanted to be thinner, richer, more successful and have at least one child by the time I reached 40. It pains me to look into the mirror and see fine lines around my eyes and “things” starting to not look so great anymore. I am stuck between a stubborn “screw this, my husband thinks me the hottest woman in the world” and the “man, I should be a size 6 again.” I am torn between “bring on the red wine and my occasional burger” and the “you really need to quit smoking and take better care of your health.” I hate working out, but know in my mind that I really “ought to” do it. I went to the doctor and she confirmed that eating “normal” or the way I have been eating the past few years would now make me gain weight, because my metabolism is slowing way down. *sigh* Conceiving a child will also be much harder, given the fact that I no longer release an egg every month and that I am no longer sure if I could do the “stay up all night and be sleep deprived for a few months” thing. Yes, I know, my girlfriends have done it and with the exception of one, they were all in their late 30s or early 40s when they gave birth. Knowing this makes me feel even more like a whimp.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I am, well, not that extraordinary, except to those who really love and know me. I realize that I am no longer the “hot, skinny” thing in the club but the weird looking cougar (thank god for hating clubs!). I am grateful for having the one thing that I still believe matters most, which is love. I can honestly say that I feel more loved now than I have in many years. I can also say that I found in many ways exactly what I was looking for in life. So no, I am not turning this into a “woe is me” whining thing.
It’s just that once this young German girl set out to conquer the world doing something “really big” and something that would “matter to many” in a far away land called “America” and instead I find myself a middle-aged woman, battling weight issues, working in corporate America and realizing that what I do, the choices I make do NOT affect the whole world, but a much smaller group of people. I realize that I am maybe both, extraordinary, but not in the way I dreamed about it, and ordinary, but not as bad as I feared.
They say that life is getting better in your 40s. At least that is what all my friends say who are in their 40s. I believe that! I just wished that I would have had the same wisdom, values, thoughts and success when I was still sporting the younger and thinner body 
Tags: aging, average, hitting 40
*sigh* oh Carmen!
I am 43 (and 1/2, but only kids count the 1/2) -and I had a hard time turning 40 too. All the same thoughts- “my life is half over and what have I accomplished?” “Look at all the things I HAVEN’T done!” (I’m still troubled by that one)
I’m a size 16- I haven’t been a 12 in over a decade, although I did drop to a 10 for a short time after my daughter was born but quite honestly on me that looked anorexic. And unfortunately I have the same outlook as you on diet and exercise- I know I should but…
I did however quit smoking a few years ago, but not so much because of breathing problems as because after having my cigarette break at work it was noticeably more difficult for me to walk back up to the front of the store- it was as if I could feel the nicotine constricting my veins.
One thing I have done differently than pretty much all of my peers is have my children early. I was just shy of 21 when my daughter was born and 24 with my son. But the only thing I really remembered wanting to have/be when I grew up was a big family-(not to the extreme of the Duggars though- that group is freakish!) I wanted to have 6 kids! I wanted to be the PTA Mom/Room Mother/Soccer Mom/Girl Scout Troop Leader etc. etc. etc. -I wanted to show all the love I felt I had missed out on- to prove that you could raise children with encouragement instead of criticism (I did accomplish that!) -and when I decided at 36 that 2 was all I was ever going to have and got on birth control – I cried! It seemed like every young woman around me was pregnant- and here I was past my prime, a “middle-aged” woman- I think I cried for a year. And it’s strange to me now to see all my facebook friends, mostly girls I went to high school with, posting all the things their young children are doing- many are just starting kindergarten! It makes me feel so old!
Funny story- when I was coming up on my 40th, I was selling AVON for extra money and I came up with what I thought at the time was a cute promotion (and a way to feel less bad about turning 40). I made up stickers for the front of my brochures that said “Wish me a Happy Birthday when you call in your order on March 6 and get 40% off!” – I only had ONE person call in an order that day- and she never said “Happy Birthday,” but for AT LEAST 2 WEEKS AFTER THAT people at work were wishing me Happy Birthday right and left! So for 2 weeks I was constantly reminded that I had turned 40- boy did that promo backfire! I was miserable!
So here I am at 43- my daughter has now finished college and has started on her own life journey, my son is a sophomore this year, and I decided there was no more time to waste! I’m going back to college myself, so that I can GET OUT OF RETAIL!!! and get my life to a point where I can have the time and money to enjoy some things – do you know that I have never seen the ocean except from an airplane? How depressing is that? (It’s gonna happen within the next year- if I have to take a Greyhound bus!- have you ever “gone Greyhound?” -I’ll have to tell you that story sometime, it’s a doozy!)
I started classes last night, and while it’s a bit scary to be trying to use my brain in ways I haven’t used it in 25 years, I’m enjoying the challenge. At my English Composition class tonight, our instructor gave us an in-class assignment then told us we could go ahead and finish it at home if we wanted- I stayed and finished mine right then! I was the only one! I haven’t felt this young and alive in a long time- to be learning again!!
So don’t fret about turning 40- it really is just a number. You are an intelligent and unique individual, even if in some ways your stats may be “average”- and you DO have the one thing that matters most, love, both from your friends and the love-of-your-life by your side to share all that’s average and also extraordinary with.
You’re in a good place- Happy Birthday!
Congratulations, Sue, on starting school!
Carmen – Happy Birthday! I know you aren’t relishing in it, but I believe that we are only as old as we feel.
Funny, I was thinking about this same topic recently, how, no matter how much I strive to be unique and different I can’t seem to escape the relative ‘averageness’ of what I am. I’m right there with you in the average stats. For some reason, the thought of ‘fitting in’ or ‘being ‘normal’ is, in my mind, the same thing as failing. I realized how important standing out in a crowd was to me because I grew up in a family that didn’t give me too much attention or positive feedback. Just like you, I didn’t want to ‘disappear’.
When we were kids we dared to dream of being rock stars and doing something big with our lives, but so did everybody else! <-(Insert 'averageness' here!) What makes us unique now is that we still have dreams, that's what keeps us going. As long as you believe there's no age limit on that you'll never get 'old'.
Ah, leave it to Sue, the Pisces girl to put it in perspective. Well, as it turns out, the 40s are better than the 30s. All my friends who are either in their 40s, or have left them behind agree on that. So, if everyone says so, it must be true (it’s a simple equation for me, lol).
You know, this morning I woke up in a little bit of somber mood. I remembered previous birthdays, which weren’t all that great (somehow my birthday the past few years has always been a disaster). But then my husband woke me up, wishing me a happy birthday, snuggling me and whispering “check out your Facebook.” I was shocked! Since yesterday afternoon I have gotten non-stop birthday wishes, cards, texts and “love” from Germany, the UK and all over the US from my friends and family. I get wrapped up in thinking that people are too busy and to literally see so many people thinking of me, and sending me cards, telling me how special I am to them, makes me feel so happy to be alive.
My aunt sent me a cool card from Germany with an awesome poem, which is in German, unfortunately, or I would have posted it. I think it’s time for me to own my being, perfect or not!
Meanwhile, I have decided to start training with a friend in her 50s who is training for her Taekwondo black belt, haha!
Nah, my dreams are still alive, Heathecliffe