11.24.09
Posted in Life at 5:33 pm by PsychicDonut
Since the last blog has created a storm of commentary, one is moving on to more positive thoughts 
And no, Rob, you are not a slime ball, you are, however, a Muppet. But you knew that.
I am now in week three of my new get fit routine. I haven’t noticed any weight loss yet, but my trainer told me that it takes about a month for the body to get used to the new work out and eating routine, and for it to actually change the metabolism. Of course, given the fact that I am 40 years old makes it also a bit harder, because that means that my metabolism naturally slowed down anyway.
I am still following my new eating habits. I actually manage to eat about 5 to 6 times a day, even though some of these meals consist of a banana, or a hard boiled egg. But because I don’t go for hours without food, I am generally not hungry and most of my cravings are also gone. My body is getting used to the new, much healthier stuff I am feeding it, so I predominantly crave fruit or vegetables.
BUT, last Sunday I really wanted a hamburger. Turns out, when I logged said burger that is has a whopping 680 calories. That is more than half of my daily food intake! To finish the crap food day off, I then had half a package of cookies, haha. Being the person that I am, I told my trainer yesterday. BAD IDEA! He told me that he now has to work me harder and he did. I found myself in the stink bug position. This is when one rolls on their back, sweating like a pig and whining “I can’t.” His answer “that was five. You owe me 15 more.” It is pretty amazing how I can pull the 15 more reps out of my poor, abused body. But somehow he just won’t let me slack off. I am usually quite amazed at how far he can push me. I would have NEVER thought that I can do such strenuous exercises without collapsing.
Besides the weights getting heavier, he also keeps upping the difficulty level. Where before I was “allowed” to do planks on the mat, I now have to move my feet onto a ball thingy, while he tells me to tighten my glutes and abs and hold it. Trust me, when you are shaking like a leaf and sweating like crazy, all you want to do is give up. But somehow I always make it through it.
Curls for one’s biceps used to be one of my favorite work out things, because I do have pretty good arm muscles. However, when he has me do curls, I have to balance on one leg doing them! You know squats? Easy, huh? Not so much! I have to do them in all directions, front and sideways (because the inside of your thighs are hard to train he says) and then do some more, leaning with my back against the wall, holding a ball in place. Oh yeah, because that is way too easy I then have to stay down and remain in the full squat position until he deems it ok for me to stand back up.
I have noticed that I have more energy and that I am wonderfully tired at night, falling asleep more easily than before and having less issues with insomnia. It also motivates me how proud Andrew is of me. And, while speaking of my husband, I do miss him a lot right now. He is now working up North in Santa Maria on Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. I will only see him on the weekend. Granted, I usually don’t come home before 9 pm anyway, but I miss him nevertheless.
As for my work out routine; my trainer has me come in on Thursday at 8 AM! Yes, you’ve read this right. On Thanksgiving morning I will train with him before I go and eat the mashed potatoes and turkey 
I tell ya, he is like some drill sergeant. But, when Andrew returns in three months I will be all fit and in shape
I love you, Knopf! Thanks for your love and for always making me your number one!
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11.23.09
Posted in Things that annoy me at 5:47 pm by PsychicDonut
I haven’t been hating on anyone in a long time. It’s time to have another gulp of Hatorate and let the evil flow forth! >:-)
Sometimes the nerve of some individuals really stuns me! One very close friend of mine received a message from an ex, clearly trying to come on to her. The fact that he had dumped her after he cheated on her, lied to her and deceived her didn’t feature into the equation at all. Apparently, he thinks that he can have her back, wait I mean can get her into bed, if he just uses the right words. Luckily for him she made me promise to not go after him.
I’d love to give him a piece of my mind. Actually, come to think of it, I’d love to do that for all the friggin’ asswipes out there, who wander about hurting people and then try to nonchalantly wander back into their life as if nothing has happened. And when they are being told to go to hell, they’ll seem all shocked, angry and surprised, wondering why we don’t want to be friends with them. So, for all the jerks, selfish idiots, users, liars, cheaters, pretenders and those who feign ignorance “I didn’t do it/didn’t know,” let me tell you how we dumb bunnies function. Once you have screwed us over the first time, we generally do not sign up for a second helping of abuse, lies, bs and crap. We generally walk away, hopefully having learned the lesson and not repeating having your kind in our lives. Hence, just go back to the rock from under which you came and leave us the hell alone.
And for those Muppets who just keep blaming everyone else, keep pointing fingers at others they have hurt, I have this to say “there are plenty of your kind out there. Do what all of you do so well, surround yourself with like-minded individuals who keep confirming what a great person you are and how “right” you truly are with all your crap. Make sure to never take stock of your life and realize that you haven’t learned a damn thing since your teenage years. But then, ignorance is bliss, so have a great life. Talk to you, never!”
Oh yes, and on another hate note, for those who sit here offended by my words, “go read another blog!”
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11.17.09
Posted in Life at 3:43 pm by PsychicDonut
I don’t know if my friends in their 40s experienced the same thing, but somehow ever since I turned 40 my world is shifting. Slowly but steadily things are going the way I often envisioned them or wished them to go in the past. Maybe it has a lot to do with some of the decisions I’ve made, but who knows.
The past 3 months have been a wild ride. I am learning some painful lessons, or maybe I should say I am learning some lessons painfully. The biggest one of them is taking care of myself and doing what I do just for myself, not for anyone else. Well, I did quit smoking and signed up for personal training because I wanted to make my husband happy, too. But given the fact that he never once asked me to do either, and given how his attitude or behavior towards me hasn’t changed at all, I’d say I did these things predominantly for myself; namely when I realized that this is the only vessel I am getting in this lifetime.
Most of my life I have either tried to help others, babied them, took care of them or tried to fill some void within them. I honestly never learned how to be selfish. The concept is still foreign. But as of late, I am finding myself saying things like “it is important to me that I…” I am learning to let go of things I’ve held on for way too long and that one is still difficult. It comes naturally to me to want to fix people. The stupid thought “well, I truly DO know what is best for you,” is just as much part of my inner vocabulary as the phrase “what I want/need doesn’t matter anyway.” I have battled some pretty big demons this year and I am far from being perfect or “all good now.” I still hold tremendous grudges towards people who have used me, wronged me, hurt me, lied to me, let me down or abused me. I still find myself reacting to a certain situation based on what my past has conditioned me to do. BUT, I am getting better in trying it the other way, namely from this new place that is more about forgiveness and cutting myself some slack; the place that simply doesn’t want to hold on anymore.
Instead of beating myself up over neglecting myself for such a long time, I now kinda shake my head, sheepishly grin and say “Damn! Having an awesome body and being healthy would have made more sense in my 20s and 30s.” Alas, I can’t turn back time. Every time I find myself trying to lecture about something I feel strongly about, I literally take a deep breath and say “NO! This isn’t your job, it isn’t your responsibility and you cannot force your will upon another, even if you think it’s for their best.”
I still find myself looking around at times and taking stock of the past 10 years. I find that a lot of the people who didn’t grow with me, or didn’t “evolve” at all have simply been left by the wayside. I am not feeling sad about it, I am just puzzled at how these things work. I sometimes still find myself cringing when I hear stories about people I once knew, but then it kind of subsides and I find myself indifferent sometimes. Indifference is another new way of being. And while I always hated people who are indifferent, I find there is a difference if one just feels that way about stuff that truly doesn’t matter.
I guess one could say that I am learning what matters to me the most. Maybe it has nothing to do with turning 40. Maybe it has everything to do with being surrounded by love and being for the first time number one in someone’s life, always! It is empowering to me and makes me want to succeed even harder. It allows me to let go of some things and teaches me to trust a little more with each passing day.
Maybe this is how it feels when one is REALLY growing up?! But as of now I think I will have that life that I can look back upon when I am 80 or so and say “wow, what an awesome ride.” Trusting, trusting I must.
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11.15.09
Posted in Human Behavior at 12:47 pm by PsychicDonut
I did it! I survived the first week of “getting fit” hell. I log everything I eat and I am wearing my “Bodybugg,” which calculates calories burned, steps taken and activity levels. Turns out, I am actually burning more than I am consuming!
My muscles are so sore that I could barely move yesterday. It was as if I had been through the wringer. Every time I had to get up, bend over, walk up the stairs or reach for anything I cringed in pain. The odd thing is, I like it!
I mean, I don’t like the pain and I sure as hell don’t like working out so hard, but I have noticed an interesting thing when I do work with my trainer. When he has me do anything in front of a mirror, it is almost as if I see myself for the first time. I squint, the way you do when you are looking at something which is out of focus, and then think “whoa! What the hell happened? This isn’t you!”
The odd thing is that what my eyes see and what my mind sees are very different. My mind sees the healthy and slim me, my eyes see the reality. But the good thing is that my body strives very hard to match what it knows in its mind and spirit to be true. And there we have it again! The power of mind!
I have studied various “paths” and got very interested in quantum physics. Don’t get me started on the movie “What the Bleep do we know.” My husband hates this movie and things it’s the worst thing ever written, lol. But the gist of it all matches what I took so many years to study. Your conscious mind creates reality 100% based on what your subconscious mind dictates. Hence, positive thinking doesn’t work, as it only overwrites a whole bunch of negative thinking, which lies underneath it all and represents your core beliefs. This is why I am such a strong believer in hypnotherapy.
From the very first session I had with Kimberly, my hypnotherapist, I saw a very different me. I was sitting on a beach. I was dressed in white (everyone who knows me is aware that I don’t own a single piece of white clothing!), my hair was in a short, pixie haircut, all dyed black, I had my knees drawn in, my arms contently wrapped around them and stared at the water. My body was one I have NEVER had. Not even at the peak of my workout sessions. Yes, I was close when I did kickboxing and competitive Hapkido, but this body was that of a dancer. My body did not have fat. My stomach had skin folds, not fat rolls. My arm and leg muscles were long, like the ones a dancer, yoga person or pilates trainer has. I was looking at the sea feeling truly at peace with myself and the world. I looked at my tattoos, Horus on the left, Anubis to the right and smiled. When I got up, I was barefoot, strolling over to a group of children, watching them play ball. I was holding an apple.
This sounds crazy to all those who never studied magick, or never learned how to meditate. But to those who did, they will see what I am trying to say here. The truth is that it is this very image I have not been able to shake. As I said earlier, your mind will do anything in its power to match the images or messages you have programmed into your subconscious. Hence, my whole being truly strives for the image burned into my subconscious.
Yesterday I went to the hairdresser. Because I work out so much now and wash my hair every day, I decided to get rid of the secondary color and dye my hair all black again. I got it trimmed from a new hairstylist, as mine was not available. I walked out of the salon, came home and looked at the mirror, grinning. I have a solid black, pixie hair cut. It does not look like the picture I gave the stylist, but it looks 100% like the picture I saw in my mind’s eye, when sitting on the beach, in a not so different future. And so it all begins, right?
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11.13.09
Posted in Human Behavior at 8:51 am by PsychicDonut
Have you ever stopped and wondered when the exact moment happened where it all started to go wrong? When you were maybe innocent, or trusting, maybe loving and untainted and from one moment to the next it was gone. Do you remember the moment after which nothing was ever the same again?
I recently read a book about “How does it feel.” It has stories about how does it feel to get attacked by a shark. How does it feel to be lost at sea, be stuck in a tornado, be a pet psychic! One of them was “how does it feel to be suicidal.” The person in there described how feeling suicidal is a very anti-climactic event. It isn’t like in the books or movies, where you proclaim in a dramatic way how you will depart this horrid world. As a matter of fact, all it truly boils down to is having lost the will to live, or the will to give a shit. She described in detail how she simply didn’t care anymore if she lived or died and all I could think was “wow! Yes, I remember it like this.”
A few years ago I was that person. It all felt too much, the pain, the worry, the fear, the sadness. I simply stopped giving a damn about anything, but most importantly about me. I wasn’t dramatic about it. In fact, I didn’t tell a soul. I just sat alone sobbing for days, I had stopped eating and all I did was chain smoke and shake like a leaf. The inability to explain the kind of hopelessness I was feeling left me even more isolated. How could I have told anyone?
I always felt that there is a tipping point. It is this point where you walk too close by the abyss, and while you have always managed to not fall, you suddenly start slipping. What always amazed me was the opposite of what people expected. I didn’t share, I didn’t talk, I disappeared. I truly disappeared within myself and within my own mind. Maybe that is how people become catatonic?
I got over it, without the meds. Life is a fine line I am treading each day. Sometimes it gets hard. I get angry for the things I had no choice over. But then I hold my chin up and onwards I march. It’s just that sometimes I wonder why things have to be so difficult and why nothing can ever be easy. I wonder if others sometimes feel this hopelessness and simply don’t talk about it. I wonder if we are all so conditioned to just nod and smile, pretending that the world is amazing and pretending that nothing bothers us. I wonder about a lot of things. But most importantly, I often wonder who the hell I truly am. I wonder who I was before, when the world seemed ok. But then, I can’t remember back to that point. I simply can’t.
Somehow the past few months have brought up a lot of emotions in me. But most importantly the question “who am I?” It isn’t like I suffer from amnesia or anything like that, it’s just that I sometimes feel so conditioned, so hardwired to react a certain way to a certain thing, that it does almost feel as if there is no choice involved. But then, I remember that we always have a choice. We always have a choice in how far we let ourselves go and how long it takes us to simply do something about the demons. Some people never call the exorcist. And how can I blame them? But at the end of the day, it boils down to a choice again. I can live with the demons, and they will then always run my life, run me! Or I can choose to get rid of the ones that are killing my light.
I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t want to be a martyr. Above all, I don’t want to make others pay for what was done to me. So the chin comes up once again, I put one foot in front of the other, I stop numbing (no more nicotine, etc.) and I drag my tired, sore body to the gym where Kenyatta, my trainer, is putting me through the wringer. One could say, he is excorcising my demons.
I don’t want to die anymore. I simply don’t want to feel dead anymore, even though I pretend so well to be full of life. I want the dead parts inside of me out. I want to live my life to the fullest, feeling healthy and vital, and feeling confident in me, knowing that I truly and honestly did do the best I can. Knowing that I tried and no matter how often I fell on my butt, I got back up again and continued this journey we call life. The life that requires that I am the one who takes control over my mind, body and spirit. The one who finally understands the true meaning of magic, having balance between the five elements: Mind, Body, Spirit, Emotion and Will!
I have failed many times before, but this time around I may just get it right.
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11.12.09
Posted in Human Behavior at 4:56 pm by PsychicDonut
Ich kämpfe gegen die Dämonen, sie sollen nicht bei mir wohnen
Sondern gehen.
Sie durchbrechen die Kontrollen, sie machen was sie wollen
Sie verdrehen.
Alle Sachen in dem Zimmer, sie machen alles schlimmer als es ist.
Sie durchkreuzen die Gedanken, dass man die letzten Schranken vergisst
Ich kämpfe gegen die Dämonen, ich suche eine Tür um hier als Sieger raus zu gehen.
Ich kämpfe gegen die Dämonen, sie klingen wie sie reden es ist schwer zu wiederstehen.
Und sich nicht mehr umzudrehen, einfach gehen.
Ich kämpfe gegen die Dämonen, ich will sie nicht mehr schonen sie sollen fliehen.
Sie halten mich ganz klein und verstecken bei mir Wein und Nikotin.
Ich will nichts mehr davon finden, sie sollen sofort verschwinden mich nicht stören.
Ich wünscht sie auf der Stelle in die Hölle, wo sie hin gehören
Ich kämpfe gegen die Dämonen, ich suche eine Tür um hier als Sieger raus zu gehen.
Ich kämpfe gegen die Dämonen, sie klingen wie sie reden es ist schwer zu wiederstehen.
Und sich nicht mehr umzudrehen, einfach gehen.
Halt dir die Ohren zu und hör nicht was sie sagen
ich weiß sie brechen jedes Versprechen und am Ende musst du alles bezahlen.
Du musst alles bezahlen, du musst alles bezahlen, du musst alles bezahlen.
Ich kämpfe gegen die Dämonen, ich suche eine Tür um hier als Sieger raus zu gehen.
Ich kämpfe gegen die Dämonen, sie klingen wie sie reden es ist schwer zu wiederstehen.
Und sich nicht mehr umzudrehen, einfach gehen.
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11.11.09
Posted in Life at 3:51 pm by PsychicDonut
I started this week with the process. Trainer put me on a 1,000 calorie diet, which is difficult at times. I am spacing my meals out over the entire day, which is hard. I really do have to set my alarm. Oddly enough, I rarely get hungry.
I started the diet on Monday. I am recording every meal and everything I eat. I started working out on Monday as well. Hit the gym for my obligatory 30 minutes of cardio, which I am supposed to do three times a week.
My first session with my trainer happened yesterday. For all those people who claimed a male trainer would be easier on me than a female, I have this to say: “Eat s#$* and die!” I think he was harder on me than the female one I had in January. Not only did he have me do circle training, but he handed me heavier weights than she did. He would have me work all muscle groups at the same time, telling me how “we are utilizing all muscles for more calorie burn.”
I had to step up on some stepping thing, while holding weights, one ONE leg! Then balance on said leg, while holding the other one up and performing shoulder presses. I had to do squats while holding weights and a load of other ungodly things. Within half hour I was drenched in sweat and ready to pass out. Of course, I had forgotten to eat before as he instructed me. Hence, I had my last meal 4 hours before my work out and was getting light-headed and dizzy. I also forgot to bring water. *sigh*
He had mercy on me, told me to buy a Powerade downstairs, as it contains sugar and the liquid gets faster into my blood stream. He then did stretches with me and showed me how to use the elliptical machine. He said that the first session is always used to see how far a peson can be pushed and how their endurance and strength is. On the bright side, he told me that I can take a lot, which makes it easier to train me and get me in shape quicker. But geez, I was literally ready to crawl out of the gym on all four. My legs were shaking, I was drenched and didn’t even bother to put a jacket on. I was so hot that I had to run the air conditioning in my car.
Tomorrow the fun continues. I have to admit that after yesterday a small voice reared its head and said “I can’t do this.” But geez, I’ve paid the guy for 30 sessions. I have “ONLY” another 29 to go…3 times a week…with my trainer, which I now call “Satan.”
Today my butt hurts, so do my chest and shoulder muscles, as well as my back muscles. Come to think of it, the only muscles that are ok are my legs. So, dear children, what have I learned?! Oh, yes, I got the lesson: NEXT TIME DON’T LET YOUR BODY GO TO HELL FOR 10 YEARS BEFORE YOU GET YOUR BUTT OFF THE COUCH TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! Oh wait, there won’t be a next time. After this is done I should be in better shape than I have been since my 20s. Meanwhile, I just have to take the abuse.
I am happy about one thing. This training could have been more difficult if I was still smoking! At least that won’t be an added crappy bonus.
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11.08.09
Posted in Life at 11:39 am by PsychicDonut
On Friday night I went to my evaluation at the gym with my new personal trainer. This time I chose a male trainer. Somehow it makes things even more embarrassing when one is getting measured, weighted and evaluated by a guy. I don’t think I have felt this uncomfortable in a long time.
Turns out, (surprise, my hypnotherapist has been drilling this one into me for over a month) that I don’t eat enough! Yes, the reason for rapid weight gain is that my metabolism is down to a crawl and holds on to every single calorie because I don’t eat enough. I am now supposed to set my alarm so I can eat every two hours. I usually forget to eat, or become too busy and won’t eat for 7 or 8 hours in between meals. For example, Thursday I got so busy I didn’t have lunch until 5 pm. On Friday I had lunch at 3 but then didn’t have time to eat until 10 pm. He told me I need to start speeding up my metabolism by eating in regular intervals and before I am starving, so I can plan out my meals instead of quickly grab soup for example. He told me that soup is too high in sodium, and what does sodium do, it retains water!
I am also part of an online program thing. I have to log everything I eat and I have to start doing half hour of cardio whenever I can. We own an elliptical machine, which I have never used. Andrew used to water and snow ski. He is coordinated. I have never been on skis, hence, I don’t know how to use the arms and legs at the same time. And because I feel self-conscious, namely that I will fall off, or look stupid, I won’t even try. Trainer said it’s easy, he’ll show it and that’s the one he wants me to do. Ack!
The overall evaluation experience was very encouraging. Yep, I feel like running away or crawling out of my skin when I set foot in a gym, but I’ll overcome it. He told me he can have me in shape and “thin” in three months, if I follow his instructions. *sigh*
Yesterday we had friends over and I wanted to smoke or have a few drinks. But all I could think of was feeling like shit when I smoke and how many calories each drink has. So I had a couple small drinks and drank my decaf, diet green tea. For some reason I am very excited, even though I feel uncomfortable. All I can think of is “THREE months! THREE months. I can do this. I can get my butt in gear for 12 weeks!”
I have to go and eat now. Apparently one has to eat within the first hour of getting up. I have been up an hour now. This is a huge difference in my being, I tell ya that. Alas, 40 is the age where I will clean up all parts of my being. Ack, my head asplode.
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11.05.09
Posted in Spirituality/Philosophy at 6:20 pm by PsychicDonut
As we know, we human beings are rather flaky and we’ll always come up with a million excuses why we don’t do the right thing, and while living in denial is our friend. I am no different in that department and now that I have turned 40 (ugh) I had to realize that I really haven’t been taking care of myself all that well. Perfecting the art of “executive lunching” (wolfing down your lunch while working at your desk), as well as diets, ulcers and plain and simple aging has pretty much sent my metabolism to hell. Plus, smoking didn’t really help the whole health picture either.
It is easy to become comfortable when you are happy. Knowing that my husband not only loves me, but thinks I am hot no matter what, didnt’ really motivate me to do anything more than I did the past few years, namely nothing. When I finally went to the doctor she told me that being 40 means that my body is getting ready for menopause (WTF?!) and therefore only uses half of the fuel it used to use. Hence, eating “normal” will now make me gain weight. Of course, this sent me straight into a hole of self-pity and justifications for why I couldn’t go to the gym. And of course, I blamed gaining 15 lbs on turning 40.
In the past two months I have therefore altered my “head” and started eating differently. I avoided most carbs and ate more protein and greenery. I also tried to avoid processed foods or sugars. Result, none! I didn’t gain any more weight, but sure as hell didn’t lose any either. So, I signed up for hypnotherapy. This helped me to reinforce some good habits about eating, but it didn’t really change my metabolism. Now, as we know, there is really no accountability unless one gives their spoken word and announces their intent to the world. So, with a heavy heart I am doing just that now:
Yes, I have quit smoking. I haven’t told anyone because I wanted to have a bigger period than just a week. I have quit for over a month now, and yes, I have asked my doctor for Wellbutrin, which worked like a charm on me.
Yes, I am eating differently. Fast food is pretty much wiped from the menu and my beloved bread has been reduced to a healthy level and is no longer the main food for me. But, here is the biggest and hardest one of all:
I have spent my hard earned dollars and signed up for THIRTY one-hour sessions with a personal trainer. Three times a week I will swing my wobbly, puddingnesque self into the gym to lose any extra pounds I may have accumulated over the years. *sigh, there it is*
I thank my lovely husband for loving me no matter what and therefore inspire me to become a “better,” healthier and thinner me. I know he never cared and he still looks at me as if I am the prettiest thing ever, but I always felt that it isn’t fair to let myself go, just because I know I am loved. So, where I have been rebellious before (“YOU don’t change me/tell me what to do”), I now feel inspired to do, what I should have done a long time ago, BECAUSE Andrew looks at me and treats me the way he does. I owe him a long and healthy life and eating crap and smoking does not contribute to that.
Now it’s official. My intent has been stated and declared to the universe. Now I HAVE to keep my word. Now I have no vices anymore
I am including a “before” picture, and while I don’t have the heart to show a “full-body” shot, I think my face tells how much weight I have gained. This was taken on my birthday party and I am officially labeling it the “before picture.”
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