I don’t know if my friends in their 40s experienced the same thing, but somehow ever since I turned 40 my world is shifting. Slowly but steadily things are going the way I often envisioned them or wished them to go in the past. Maybe it has a lot to do with some of the decisions I’ve made, but who knows.
The past 3 months have been a wild ride. I am learning some painful lessons, or maybe I should say I am learning some lessons painfully. The biggest one of them is taking care of myself and doing what I do just for myself, not for anyone else. Well, I did quit smoking and signed up for personal training because I wanted to make my husband happy, too. But given the fact that he never once asked me to do either, and given how his attitude or behavior towards me hasn’t changed at all, I’d say I did these things predominantly for myself; namely when I realized that this is the only vessel I am getting in this lifetime.
Most of my life I have either tried to help others, babied them, took care of them or tried to fill some void within them. I honestly never learned how to be selfish. The concept is still foreign. But as of late, I am finding myself saying things like “it is important to me that I…” I am learning to let go of things I’ve held on for way too long and that one is still difficult. It comes naturally to me to want to fix people. The stupid thought “well, I truly DO know what is best for you,” is just as much part of my inner vocabulary as the phrase “what I want/need doesn’t matter anyway.” I have battled some pretty big demons this year and I am far from being perfect or “all good now.” I still hold tremendous grudges towards people who have used me, wronged me, hurt me, lied to me, let me down or abused me. I still find myself reacting to a certain situation based on what my past has conditioned me to do. BUT, I am getting better in trying it the other way, namely from this new place that is more about forgiveness and cutting myself some slack; the place that simply doesn’t want to hold on anymore.
Instead of beating myself up over neglecting myself for such a long time, I now kinda shake my head, sheepishly grin and say “Damn! Having an awesome body and being healthy would have made more sense in my 20s and 30s.” Alas, I can’t turn back time. Every time I find myself trying to lecture about something I feel strongly about, I literally take a deep breath and say “NO! This isn’t your job, it isn’t your responsibility and you cannot force your will upon another, even if you think it’s for their best.”
I still find myself looking around at times and taking stock of the past 10 years. I find that a lot of the people who didn’t grow with me, or didn’t “evolve” at all have simply been left by the wayside. I am not feeling sad about it, I am just puzzled at how these things work. I sometimes still find myself cringing when I hear stories about people I once knew, but then it kind of subsides and I find myself indifferent sometimes. Indifference is another new way of being. And while I always hated people who are indifferent, I find there is a difference if one just feels that way about stuff that truly doesn’t matter.
I guess one could say that I am learning what matters to me the most. Maybe it has nothing to do with turning 40. Maybe it has everything to do with being surrounded by love and being for the first time number one in someone’s life, always! It is empowering to me and makes me want to succeed even harder. It allows me to let go of some things and teaches me to trust a little more with each passing day.
Maybe this is how it feels when one is REALLY growing up?! But as of now I think I will have that life that I can look back upon when I am 80 or so and say “wow, what an awesome ride.” Trusting, trusting I must.
