I have used this phrase a lot within the past 12 years. I have also told people where I got it from, but what is always asked over and over is “how?” How do I change my mind, what do you mean?

When I say “change your mind” I truly mean re-wire your brain. The question is not so much how one does it, but how dedicated are you to doing it? So, while I cannot really give you step-by-step instructions, I can tell you how I am doing it. This starts with a basic introduction of who I am, so here it goes: Hi, I am Carmen and I am a doom addict!

For as long as I can remember my happiness meter has been broken. I grew up in a severely dysfunctional and abusive home. The first 20 years of my life were so miserable that I sometimes don’t even know how I survived them. Depression was my constant companion and when I was 17 I tried killing myself. My brain had been conditioned, from the time I was born, to feel sadness, fear, anxiety and hopelessness, to the point where I started to recognize these emotions as excitement. You know that feeling of absolute terror? When your heart is pounding and it feels as if you fell from a great height? Feels a bit like going down a roller coaster, doesn’t it? Well, I started to think that these emotions were excitement and therefore sought out situations and people who could provide these feelings. Mind you, none of this was a conscious choice.

Soon I started to recognize “good” people as boring. They didn’t give me the rush I needed, so I avoided them. In my men I chose losers, addicts, cheaters, uneducated school drop-outs, emotionally unavailable, aloof and detached individuals, who were eager to continue whatever crappy cycle they had learned from their parents. I became the perfect martyr, unintentionally. I had decided a long time ago that I was worthless, unlovable, ugly, useless and stupid and I chose people who would prove that to me over and over and over.

I did therapy for a few years and learned some tools. I started studying different religions and philosophies. But to this day, nothing stuck with me more than the philosophies I learned within the brief period of studying ceremonial magick and kabbalah. There was something that rang true within grasping that *I* was the one responsible for my emotions, thoughts, actions and words, not another being. There was something I started to “get” regarding being the master of my own universe.

Of course, I dropped out. I dropped out because I felt so inauthentic studying something “so great,” when here I was, with the worst man I had ever encountered in my life, a sociopath. For years after I couldn’t believe in anything that strongly anymore. But every time anyone would ask me about “god” I would get this burst of energy, this passion that would bring out, what I considered, absolute truth. To this day I know in my heart that there is total truth in the teachings of the kabbalah. To this day I do not doubt that there is a higher power.

Hence, I would continue to read about quantum physics, unexplained phenomena, brain chemistry, magick, meditation and anything that would give me even the smallest shred of a tool to change my broken mind. The more I read, the more I understood that I was creating my miserable life. I understood that there were times when I was not given a choice, namely when I was a child, but I also knew that my adult life had been self-created. This plunged me even deeper into denial and depression, all the while hearing this nagging voice deep down inside yelling at me “STOP IT!” I didn’t know how to stop. I was addicted, once again, to unhappiness. It was so much easier to create crap and shitty relationships than creating good ones. I had no clue how to create something I didn’t know how to recognize to begin with.

I started watching and observing those who had truly happy lives. No, I have never met anyone who didn’t have hardship in their life, but it was the way they would handle the hardships. Two people were most inspirational to me, my friend Carren and my friend Lena. Both had endured huge hardships but neither one of them had given up. And no matter what crap was dealt to them, they managed to emerge victorious; never turning mean, bitter, rude or cynical, never lashing out at others. They had a light about them that inspired me and it also inspired me to know that they loved me for who I was. My other best friend, Jean, had another gift altogether which also inspired me. Jean is probably one of the most optimistic people I know. She never spews negativity or pessimism, even when she is feeling sad, which doesn’t happen all that much! Jean is predominantly truly one “friggin’ ray of sunshine.”

Over the years I have met numerous other women who inspired me. Women with strong convictions, women who shared the same code of ethics and honor, women who simply wouldn’t give in to “woe is me.” Most importantly, women who would call me on my shit, but in a gentle and caring way. Women who were not self-righteous and didn’t insist on point out how wrong I was, always coming from a place of love that inspired me to start “changing my mind.”

Spending years and years watching others being happy, I simply had enough one day. It was that very day I met Andrew, but that is besides the point. The fact is that I simply thought “OK, you’ve tried it your way for years and it hasn’t worked. Let’s try it another way.” Changing my mind literally means that I have to consciously be aware of what I feel and think throughout the day, EVER DAY! It means that when I start focusing on something negative that I have to stop myself, and focus on something positive. It means that instead of whining about what I do not have, I focus always on what I do have. I make lists and realize, I have a LOT! I do no longer feel a hole in my life, or lack, I feel abundance and I create from that.

When I want to nitpick my relationship apart, I have to stop and think how we met, how Andrew truly treats me and why I love him so much. I have to stop and remember all the time who Andrew is, instead of comparing him to others, or worse, concluding that he probably is like others.

There is a strange satisfaction for me in going down the “dark path.” It feels comfortable, because I know what lies behind every corner of misery and unhappiness. It is also much easier to push anyone away than taking the risk of them hurting me, or worse, leaving me. I have to stop myself all day long. It is like working out, I have to make it a habit, until one day it becomes my new second nature.
Every time I write, I  have to re-read what I have written and when I see negativity, unkindness, or anything that doesn’t serve, I have to erase it. I don’t always succeed, as I said, hard-wiring is hard to overwrite, but I am getting better, every day.

What is also very hard is to not get caught up in my past. Certain holidays trigger certain memories. The worst for me are my birthday (which has sucked the previous 5 years before I met Andrew), Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. As these times approach I start remembering the things that happened in previous years. I get angry, I get sad, I want to confront the people who caused the pain and then I have to stop myself, remembering that I cannot change the past and then think of a happy memory.

The hardest one for me is still forgiveness. There is still a part of me that is angry, not because I think that anyone did bad things to me on purpose, but because they had a choice to NOT do these things and didn’t care enough about me to stop themselves. I still feel that there isn’t closure with some people because they never bothered to even apologize, but tugged tail and ran, presenting themselves as “good” people, as a victim, and me the crazy one. They are still justifying why they did the stuff they did to me and there are still plenty of those who buy into it.

Accepting that these people never will own up to the pain they have caused me is hard, but then I have to remember that it is in the past. This doesn’t help some of the flashbacks, for example one of my exes hitting on other girls right in front of me, telling me to “shut the f*** up” when I confronted him, telling me I was paranoid and then ending up hooking up with the same chick after he dumped me. There are times when I remember how painful it was to realize that I was lied to, or simply not important enough and then I have to remember my husband and how he is nothing like that.

None of this is easy. My brain has been conditioned over decades to almost “enjoy” pain. It knows how to deal with pain better than with good things. But what I have found within the past month is that by stopping myself every time, by consciously changing the path I am going down to, I started feeling euphoria. This is not an exaggeration! I do feel euphoria when I think of the future. I can now enjoy spending time with Andrew, because I don’t have to brace myself for something horrible to happen. I CHOOSE to tell him good things, I CHOOSE to not complain, nag or worse, try to control. I remind myself all the time that my life is no longer chaos, so I do not have to be so controlling of myself or others anymore. I remind myself that it is OK to let go, that I no longer have to stay awake at night, that I no longer have to imagine bad things, worry, or feel bitter. I have to remind myself of what is normal and what is not.

This is extremely difficult for me. It is like forcing the square peg into a round hole, but slowly my mind starts changing. So now I understand what my therapist meant well over 10 years ago when he said to me “Life depends on only one thing, making a choice. Change your mind, Carmen.”

While I cannot tell you how it works, I can only tell you to surround yourself with positive people. People who inspire you, people you aspire to be! Read, educate yourself and be mindful! Above all, be mindful, and if you choose, you too, can change your mind. Beware of ego and of your “story” and beware of the trap of insisting on being right, especially when insisting on how shitty your life truly is. Remember that when you insist on that, you truly create it. As I said, above all, be mindful, always.