After years of observing, pondering and experiencing, I came to realize what happiness truly is, and also what it is not. I used to think that happiness is all about having certain things, or a certain sense of status. I had it wrong for a while, and that is ok.
I sat there on New Year’s Eve, surrounded by a bunch of cool people, but most importantly, with my husband. I watched him interact with others and would catch the occasional glimpse of him at me. When the clock struck midnight, we all hugged and the world was great. I thought about how most people will probably make new year’s resolutions and I was happy that I didn’t have to. I had already started changing the things I didn’t like and I was working hard on them, with the exception of one thing, letting go.
It isn’t easy but with Andrew by my side it is a hell of a lot easier than it has ever been. So quietly I sat my butt down and grabbed my BlackBerry. I opened my contacts and slowly went through well over 100 of them, and then started deleting. It wasn’t a vicious or angry thing, I felt at peace and all I could think was “out with all of those who no longer serve your well-being.” Trust me, this was hard for me. I have collected “bodies” for years, always feeling guilty when I didn’t want a specific person in my life anymore. Always feeling I owed something to someone and having a strange sense of loyalty to anyone who has ever done anything nice for me, even if they later on reversed that by doing or saying not so nice things.
Andrew glanced over and asked me what I was doing, since I was so quiet. I smiled and told him that I was “cleaning house.” My life is truly new and great. All the last pieces of “bad stuff” have been left behind when 2009 ended. There are still some things in my heart that will probably take a while to heal, some images in my mind that will take a while to replace, but it keeps getting easier. With each passing day of being reassured by a man who truly loves and adores me, exactly the way I am, I feel safer to speak my truth even more, to care less what others are thinking and to focus more on that/those that are important to me.
Working out has a big part in this too. It clears my head and provides me with “happy” thoughts, almost like a drug. I have lost two sizes, and well over 10 lbs., and finally I have more energy and don’t constantly feel exhausted and tired, physically and mentally. These days I am truly only surrounded by people who inspire me and truly care about me. By casting out all the crap and bad stuff, including bad people, I have started to attract more light, more happiness and truly amazing individuals.
I still do get angry and annoyed at victims, martyrs, people without accountability and those who have no spine. But since there aren’t too many of that type around me anymore, I feel less defensive and less inclined to open my mouth, unless I feel it is necessary. I am happy that my husband tells me how proud he is of me and my courage and that I inspire him with my straight forwardness. I am finally in a place where I am no longer around those who get defensive, feel insulted, offended or want to lecture me about my opinions, and essentially my truth, but I am around those who nudge me, telling me “I am glad you opened your mouth,” or “I do know who you are and I get where you are coming from.”
I am really starting to feel what true happiness feels like. It’s a new territory, but it definitely is the best way to be. I am finally in the place where my words are no longer considered a weapon or sword, but are doing what I always intended them to do, inspire people to always strive for growth and to become a better person.
It feels good to “not give a damn.” It feels good to not be afraid anymore about being attacked, or put down, or belittled, or worse, being told “I think your level of integrity is awesome, but it doesn’t work like that for the rest of us.” It feels great to no longer care at all what some jerks may think when reading my blogs, because at the end of the day, my blogs are written for those who feel inspired by them, and the rest, well, the rest can just go and screw themselves.
Thanks, Andrew, for loving me as much as you do. You inspire me to keep trying to become a better woman.
