There are so many lessons I have yet to learn. I have learned a lot within the past year, and some things are still lingering. These are the ones that are the most deeply ingrained and the hardest to learn.
I tend to write my frustrations about the human race down, by turning to my blog. I rant about the things that deeply bother me and the ones I simply cannot grasp. I usually try to find some kind of sense when writing about the behaviors of people who seem so intelligent. It took me a while to realize that intelligence has nothing to do with self-awareness, or how well your life turns out, for that matter. It seems that intelligence would lead you to make better decisions, but I do know first hand that this isn’t the case.
Because I understand pain so well, I naturally flock to it and want to fix it. I am an equal opportunity rescuer. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, the more broken you are, the more I am, oh wait, used to be, willing to jump in to rescue you, fix you or try to help you. The lengths I would go through are insane and would range from financial help to taking people into my home, just to name a few.
The interesting thing is that I can get so frustrated when I write and come across so harsh, and yet in real life, I’d be choosing my words not only wisely, but often I wouldn’t confront people at all. Those who know me well also know that it takes me a long time to open my mouth in a harsh way and even longer to call it quits. I would swallow my frustration, sadness and whatever else they’d bring up for years.
This is the one lesson I haven’t learned yet. I used to be almost offended when certain teachings would talk about letting go of people who no longer serve you. A lot of people didn’t serve me, but I served them really well. After all, the Virgo is the sign of servitude and industriousness. We generally do well with the types who need others to build them up, serve them and make them feel better, because we tend to keep giving of ourselves until we “break.” Once we feel spent, it can get ugly, but we generally still won’t walk.
It is the lesson I have the hardest time with. Instead of trying to keep modifying my message to be more understanding and more giving and more gentle, I am learning that for some people there is no way they get it. There is no way I can modify my words or attitude to make them understand, because they are too far entangled into their stories of not getting it and of nothing being their fault/having no power whatsoever.
I wished I would have learned this lesson earlier in life. I have spent many years trying to help fix broken people. The cost was pretty dire in some cases and nearly did me in a few years ago. There is only so much life, energy and heart one can suck out of you, before you crash. I crashed and had to learn to build myself up and do a better job. I didn’t though, for another 2 years. It is, after all, my taught duty to just take it to the chin and keep trying.
I am getting closer to grasping this lesson of letting go of people and situations who no longer/don’t serve my well-being at all. What is the point of keeping anyone who keeps making you miserable, who you don’t respect, who you can’t bear to listen to and who drives you crazy most of the time? And no, I am not only talking about relationships, but also about friends, companies and co-workers. I guess, for me the point always was to hope that one day they’d wake up. Well, 99% of them never did, to this day.
So last night I dreamt of my best friend in Germany. My best friend when I was a teenager and the equivalent to my sister. That is until she became a heroin addict. She has been hooked on this crap for well over 10 years. She is too far gone and at this point, the chances that she will EVER get off of it are slim to none. So, last night I dreamt that she was homeless now and that her 7 year old daughter was living with her on the streets. She was carrying nothing but a basket of dirty laundry, which she was bringing to a laundry mat. She was dressed all in black; black sweat pants, and a black hoody, with the hood moved deep into her face. She was a walking skeleton, deep circles under her eyes and walking like an old woman.
In my dream I drove by her in the car on the way to the airport. And my other friend said “don’t look, Carmen. It IS her!” I felt my heart breaking and I leaned over to hold on to my friend and started crying for the woman who once was my sister and now is “dead.” The last time I saw her, she said “I wished you would have never moved to the States. If you would have stayed here, I would have never gotten hooked on this shit.” This is when I walked away and never saw her again after.
There was/is nothing I could do. When someone is so deep in denial that they look back at their life and all they can say is “if x, y and z wouldn’t have happened, I’d be a better person now,” while continuing their self-destructive ways, I must turn away. And yet, it is ripping my heart out, for how would I be me, if I am not a person with deep compassion for those who screw up their own lives?
All these broken souls have worn me out. I think THAT is the reason that I am so angry and harsh at times. I think I have to just learn to walk and not look back, so I can be the best I can be. I am dreading this lesson more than anything else. It is so hard for me to let go, even of those who have hurt me deeply, humiliated me, bad-mouthed me or let me down. I still keep thinking that it somehow “wasn’t their fault.” And so, I have spent years feeding into them remaining the same and not learning anything at all. Now I am learning when to really walk away and that is going so far against my grain that it hurts a lot. But at the end of the day, you can’t unlearn the things you’ve learned, so I guess, onward I go.
