I believe in a soul and a concept of a higher self. I recently had a discussion with a friend who said that his concept of a soul is an entity outside one’s being, but yet energetically connected. Depending on who and what surrounds us, we’ll either add or take away from this soul.
Come to think of it, this belief is very much like my own. Except that I would call it corruption of one’s soul, until there is very little left of a higher consciousness, or any type of peace, harmony or higher self.
Oddly enough, on the same day I had a conversation with another friend, who was telling me how hurt and hung up she was on an ex and how hard it was for her to let go. She felt angry and told me that when people don’t forgive her, it makes her feel like a failure. I can relate to that so well. I have gone through crazy lengths to convince people of my “goodness.”
As she was telling me about how crappy she felt. I told her that I had a theory, or something I had noticed about myself. Most of my anger and bitterness that I would spill into some of my blogs, all stemmed from people who had wronged and hurt me in the past. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get over/not forget the experience, but what made me so angry, furious and bitter, was how their blatant selfishness, mean spirit, lashing out, using me, lying to me, and utter refusal to be accountable, or even as much as apologize to me, etc. had taken away from my soul.
I remembered being one of the most bright eyed, spiritual and to a degree innocent people I knew. I had such a strong belief in the good of people, some form of higher power that was surrounding me at all times, a desire to truly walk in light and help that it never even dawned on me that some simply don’t care, won’t care, can’t care. Sometimes people would make fun of that and call me naive. But the more I ran into selfish people who claimed to care, but only did what served them, and either weakly, or strongly defending their ways, the less I believed that people were either worth saving, nor trusting. The more years went by being surrounded by weak-willed, broken people, the less I believed that anything is possible.
When one spends years with the nay-sayers who whine and “prove” that you truly are powerless, you start believing it. This is what makes these people so toxic. Just like a virus, they infect those around them. Void of hope, light or anything worthwhile to share, they suck away the energy of those who have or had it, until they become just like them. Hence, again! Look at those who are broken and see who surrounds them. Won’t be too many sane, successful and evolved people (no, I am not talking about monetary success, I have met even psychopaths who can create wealth!).
The part that sucks about having had your soul “partially eaten” is that it takes such a long time to regain the qualities you have lost. I guess for some it is impossible, and for others it is just a constant struggle, that requires a lot of self-awareness and the willingness to stop one’s own crazy behavior. It also helps to have role models!
I am lucky in that matter. I have looked around and found some amazingly inspiring people, who not just encouraged me, but inspired me to follow suit. My soul has been doing a nice healing job. I have released most toxic influences, and I no longer differentiate between those who are willingly toxic and those who claim they don’t know/it’s not their fault.
It is hard, very hard. There are times when I am utterly amazed at how loving my husband would react to certain displays of paranoia, driven by a severely broken heart and trust in anyone.
Now I have courage to do things I have NEVER done before. It is a little like remembering a past life. You kind of “wake up” and think “oh yeah, THIS is who I am supposed to be, this is who I was before.” Then, slowly but surely, you create the life that mirrors this understanding and feeling from within. When “bad” comes up you’ll diffuse it and counter it with “good.” Working out does wonders!
The miracle though is how your life aligns itself with a vision you may have had a long time ago. I think this is my true understanding of what Crowley called “doing one’s will.” And from this point on, everything almost magically falls into place. And you scratch yourself on the head and wonder “WOW! And even if it is merely my brain producing these states of bliss and well-being, I CHOOSE to believe that there is something else out there. Something I may not be able to explain, but whatever “it” is sure as hell not only heard me, but is constructing what I never, ever thought possible, and dared not believe. I am living my dream. And while I have a great love and compassion for people, I no longer care if they are doing the same. I am focusing, yet again on helping the ones that are at least partially awake, instead of trying to wake up the sleepers.”
