How often do we go on about how much we regret certain choices that we have made in the past? It’s a rather silly activity to engage in, since none of us can go back in time to change the things we are going on about.
What if I could go back in time? Would I change anything? And if so, what?? I have been pondering this question and even though some experiences really kicked my butt spiritually, emotionally and psychologically, I am still not sure I would change them. Who knows if I would be the same person if I hadn’t had the bad experiences? Who knows who I would be? Would I be as grateful? Would I work so hard to “improve” myself and strive for balance?
There are numerous situations I can look back upon, which will provide me with enough guilt to last a lifetime…if I let it! There are so many things I would have done differently, situations where I would have done the opposite, I would possibly have changed my reactions, changed my attachment, my views, my behaviors and on and on the list goes. But the fact remains, I didn’t! I can’t go back and change it and I wonder how I would have turned out if I would have done the “right” thing. Would I have learned the same valuable lessons?
The past just is and while my feelings may be valid, they are not necessarily factual, nor do they give me the right to act out. Just because a person/situation triggers me, does not mean they are actually responsible for my triggers. I, and only I, own my triggers and how I react to them. I do not get to act out on any of my feelings ever again! This is the lesson I wished I would have learned 15 years ago. But then again, would I be where I am at now?
There is a whole new thought process going on in my head now. I sheepishly and also somewhat shamefully look back upon some of my “reactions” to how I felt and shake my head. Sighing and hanging my head in shame, I admit that I brought on so many of the strange, bizarre, bad and painful situations I experienced. I often escalated the “bad,” because I would not walk away, wouldn’t let it go, but would act out on my feelings. I would stomp my foot like a 3 year old (in my head that is), and proclaim to myself that I would never, ever be silenced again and believed that “sharing EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT (good, bad and indifferent), meant that I was honest. All the things I considered “bad” that had been done to me, I fought by doing the exact opposite. Guess how my world looked like? Black and white, entirely missing gray or any other colors for that matter.
As I am learning boundaries and to walk the path in the middle, the gray one that is, I also look back and think “What’s done is done!” I no longer feel the need to obsess over it or beat myself up some more over the things I “should have done and said.” Would I change it? Would I change a single thing? I am not sure I would. I can only say that there once was a time where I would have jumped at such an opportunity without hesitation. Where I would have said “HELL YES! Let me go back and change all kinds of things!” Now I think I would have to think long and hard about it.
I am starting to see how balance looks like. But would I have recognized the need and want for that if I wouldn’t have existed almost entirely in extremes my whole life? I’ve lost a lot of people throughout my life, quite a few due to my words and actions. Some I miss and some I don’t. But the point is there are still quite a few standing. Maybe because they always knew that I had it in me to truly share intimacy. Recently I learned the true meaning of intimacy! Intimacy is sharing without judgment. Turns out, the one thing I wanted the most in life, was the one thing I absolutely couldn’t do myself. But, no need to cry over spilt milk. After all, one does have full control over the now and future actions. And better to get it right later than never at all









