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If I Could Turn Back Time

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

How often do we go on about how much we regret certain choices that we have made in the past? It’s a rather silly activity to engage in, since none of us can go back in time to change the things we are going on about.

What if I could go back in time? Would I change anything? And if so, what?? I have been pondering this question and even though some experiences really kicked my butt spiritually, emotionally and psychologically, I am still not sure I would change them. Who knows if I would be the same person if I hadn’t had the bad experiences? Who knows who I would be? Would I be as grateful? Would I work so hard to “improve” myself and strive for balance?

There are numerous situations I can look back upon, which will provide me with enough guilt to last a lifetime…if I let it! There are so many things I would have done differently, situations where I would have done the opposite, I would possibly have changed my reactions, changed my attachment, my views, my behaviors and on and on the list goes. But the fact remains, I didn’t! I can’t go back and change it and I wonder how I would have turned out if I would have done the “right” thing. Would I have learned the same valuable lessons?

The past just is and while my feelings may be valid, they are not necessarily factual, nor do they give me the right to act out. Just because a person/situation triggers me, does not mean they are actually responsible for my triggers. I, and only I, own my triggers and how I react to them. I do not get to act out on any of my feelings ever again! This is the lesson I wished I would have learned 15 years ago. But then again, would I be where I am at now?

There is a whole new thought process going on in my head now. I sheepishly and also somewhat shamefully look back upon some of my “reactions” to how I felt and shake my head. Sighing and hanging my head in shame, I admit that I brought on so many of the strange, bizarre, bad and painful situations I experienced. I often escalated the “bad,” because I would not walk away, wouldn’t let it go, but would act out on my feelings. I would stomp my foot like a 3 year old (in my head that is), and proclaim to myself that I would never, ever be silenced again and believed that “sharing EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT (good, bad and indifferent), meant that I was honest. All the things I considered “bad” that had been done to me, I fought by doing the exact opposite. Guess how my world looked like? Black and white, entirely missing gray or any other colors for that matter.

As I am learning boundaries and to walk the path in the middle, the gray one that is, I also look back and think “What’s done is done!” I no longer feel the need to obsess over it or beat myself up some more over the things I “should have done and said.” Would I change it? Would I change a single thing? I am not sure I would. I can only say that there once was a time where I would have jumped at such an opportunity without hesitation. Where I would have said “HELL YES! Let me go back and change all kinds of things!” Now I think I would have to think long and hard about it.

I am starting to see how balance looks like. But would I have recognized the need and want for that if I wouldn’t have existed almost entirely in extremes my whole life? I’ve lost a lot of people throughout my life, quite a few due to my words and actions. Some I miss and some I don’t. But the point is there are still quite a few standing. Maybe because they always knew that I had it in me to truly share intimacy. Recently I learned the  true meaning of intimacy! Intimacy is sharing without judgment. Turns out, the one thing I wanted the most in life, was the one thing I absolutely couldn’t do myself. But, no need to cry over spilt milk. After all, one does have full control over the now and future actions. And better to get it right later than never at all :-)

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Posted in Human Behavior, Life, Spirituality/Philosophy | No Comments »

How to Fire Toxic People

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

This is a blog request from my friend Jude. He wanted to know how to get rid of “bad” friends, because when it comes to getting rid of them, “I am such a coward.”

Let me start out by saying that we all are cowards when it comes to getting rid of anyone whom we have an emotional investment in! The longer we have known them, the harder it is going to be to get rid of them; and unless you are heartless bastard it’s just never going to be pleasant to kick a person out of your life. Because as human beings we tend to often be loyal to time and not the character. So let me point out some of the important things to consider when walking away from a toxic person.

  1. Know what the reaction will be
    They are not going to be pleased with what you have to say and will therefore act in the usual ways toxic people act in:
    - Denial – “I never said/did that!”
    - Passive aggressive – talking behind your back or saying things to others in a way that you will find out about, i.e. Facebook comments
    - Attack/defensive – “I can’t believe you would  be this disrespectful/mean/harsh, etc. when I am so hurt/weak/sick/sad/depressed”
    - Insulting – calling you names, accusing you of being mean, judgmental, etc.
    - Trying to prove you wrong – usually by involving others who will agree with them and stand against you with them
  2. Release your attachment
    No argument, no tone of voice, no way of pouring your heart out, or any way of rational reason will ever change the mind of a toxic person. Why? Because this is what constitutes a toxic person to begin with, a complete and utter lack of self-awareness and the ability to take responsibility for their own actions or words. All toxic people are victims and have been wronged, always!  Therefore they must point fingers and always accuse others of being at fault to maintain their ability to function and continue on.
  3. There is no logic
    Another defining characteristic of toxic people is the lack of rational thought. Psychology is based on statistics. Most things in life are based on numbers. Not for toxic people. They usually are quite lonely, because most partners/spouses, friends, co-workers, family members, etc. have walked out on them. Where a healthy person can look at their own behavior, analyze and recognize their own role in an argument or situation, a toxic person is never to blame, will always deny or claim they didn’t get it. They always insist that someone else started it, or did/said something to them. Either way, you will not win any type of rational conversation.
  4. Look at their friends!
    The friends who surround toxic people come in three categories: 
    a) people who haven’t been around for years (hence, they are not as fed up yet)
    b) People who have known them for a long time and stick due to history (also the ones who usually avoid them as much as possible)
    c) The type who is exactly like them, i.e. other toxic folks
    This is because they have successfully alienated and gotten rid of most sane and healthy people.
  5. Be kind and honest but firm!
    There are certain people who will say or do something to you that is so offensive and hurtful that you might lose it. Others take years of wearing you down with their negativity, self-pity, anger, manipulation, etc. But if at all possible, do not bottle up your emotions and suddenly lash out. You have to understand that no matter what angle you choose, they will neither get it, nor apologize, nor understand a single word you are saying anyway. But if you lose it and go off on them, you just gave them more ammo to continue their accusations, whining and victim mode, not to mention that you just gave them more ammo to receive more sympathy from the herd. “See! Look at the hurtful words…she/he said to me!”

“Toxic” people are called that because they are mentally unstable and not healthy. Because they have a way of dragging you down with them, it is vital that you keep your own sanity by establishing firm boundaries and by being clear with your intentions and by stating what your actions will be as a result to their behaviors. Once you declare how you feel and what you will do, stand by it! The worst thing you can do is to be wishy washy or go back on your word. Declare whatever it is you feel is important to you. Here are a few examples:
“When you behave in x, y, z ways I will not engage in conversation with you.”
“I will not/no longer participate in your game/will not be manipulated by you/etc.”
“If you have nothing nice to say to me, I will hang up on you.”

Remember to state your feelings in a calm and firm manner! Don’t get roped into their emotions, don’t lash out in return and don’t let them pull you back in by trying to get a rise out of you. 

Finally, be prepared for the consequence. You must be aware that your integrity, honesty or care for such a person will not change them or rescue them! This means that when you state how you feel and what you will do as a consequence to their being, you will get attacked, probably bad-mouthed and there is the possibility that you will never see or hear from that person again, because by design it is the toxic person who is the coward!  If you are not prepared to lose someone for good, no matter how crazy or sick they are making you, you might be better off avoiding them as much as you can and never confronting them. Toxic people have a way of sometimes making your life hell when you try to get rid of them. But know that this will pass. Once they notice that they cannot get a rise out of you and that you will not respond to them, they will have no choice but to give up. Also, a lot of them have a way of quickly finding replacements for you, namely people that are not as challenging as you are and people who will support them in their toxicity. That is ok! If you can look at yourself in the mirror, knowing that you did the best you could, learning to do things differently if you did screw up, you will be fine. Remember that light attracts light, always! And life is too short to waste it on people who are making you miserable and contributing nothing but pain, worry, anger and hardship to your life.

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Posted in Human Behavior, Relationships | 3 Comments »

Obsessed

Friday, July 9th, 2010

Imagine a world that leaves you a prisoner to your own mind. Imagine a world where others avoid you and judge you for being black and white, extreme, judgmental and controlling. This is the world of those who suffer from OCPD – Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

OCPD people have pretty much black and white views, especially on moral and ethical values. They tend to be neat freaks and like things to be a certain way. They don’t like it when others are moving their things and when objects are taken away from their assigned spots. Here is how medicine defines OCPD versus OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder):

“The typical signs of OCPD are:

1.  An excessive need for perfectionism and control over all aspects of your environment

2.  Preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order or organization to the extent that you often forget the major point of the activity

3.  Excessive devotion to work at the expense of time spent with your friends or family

4.  Rigidity with respect to matters of morals, ethics or values

5.  An inability to get rid of items that no longer have value

6.  A miserly spending style towards both you and others

While there appears to be some overlap between OCD and OCPD, there are a number of ways to tell these disorders apart. The biggest difference between OCD and OCPD is the presence of true obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions and compulsions are not present in OCPD.

If you have OCD, you will usually seek help for the psychological stress caused by having to carry out compulsions or the disturbing content or themes of your obsessions. In contrast, if you have OCPD, you will usually seek treatment because of the conflict caused between you and family and friends related to your need to have others conform to your way of doing things.

Finally, whereas the severity of OCD symptoms will often fluctuate over time, OCPD is chronic in nature, with little change in personality style.”

What helps one overcome OCPD? Well, first of all it seems pretty hard to diagnose and secondly, there is only one thing that seems to help here, which is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Where my opinion varies is in only one thing and that is what constitutes either one. To label someone with a mental illness usually implies a lack of control over a situation and a victim mentality. I am not sure I agree with this. It would make life quite bleak to really believe so.

When I look at the above list of behaviors, I am saddened and shamed, for almost every single one of these points describes me. The only two missing are the miserly spending style and getting rid of objects that have no value. I actually tend to swing the other way and can spend a large amount of money on people I care about and have no problem constantly cleaning out my closet and cupboards, getting rid of things that are taking away space and that I never use.

To a degree, I must also admit that I look at this list and think “wow, this makes most Germans OCPD folks.” But it all boils down to the constant fighting and arguing I have and still am going through, because I cannot relate to most human beings without “judging them” for their lack of integrity, loyalty and honesty, and without thinking how weak and spineless most of them are. This has created a horrible cycle for me, leaving me constantly disappointed, withdrawn and heart-broken, while showing a hardened, mean shell that lashes out.

To quote two different individuals that I really admire and look up to:
1. You hide your light.
2. It is hard to see how kind you are and what a great heart you have, because you hide it underneath a shell of harsh judgment and anger.

Hearing these things breaks my heart and yet, I feel a compulsive need to go down these paths. My mind loops 24/7 over things that have happened years, months and days ago, remembering people who have deeply hurt me, betrayed me, abandoned me, lashed out at me and didn’t have my back. When I don’t go down THIS path, I go down the path of remembering what has been done to people I love. It is so exhausting to be this way that sometimes the only choice I have is to isolate, before I do severe damage. There are times when I watch another person’s actions being so hurtful, selfish, cruel and thoughtless that it takes every ounce of my strength to walk away. Once I open my mouth, it’s too late. I tumble down the rabbit hole of “being honest” and cut another into pieces. I have an obsession with telling people “the truth” and when I cannot tell them openly, I’ll find ways to passively “slip” or “nudge.” There is no freedom in any of it, because nothing resolves itself, no one “gets it,” and I’ll end up being hurt, unable to move on or let it go, while the other party tells me to “f” off and walks away without another glance at me, but badmouthing me as crazy or a bitch.

Relationships and friendships become landmines for me, because once I allow a person in, I can’t get rid of them, due to my perceived understanding of loyalty. When someone wrongs me, I will take it on as me being the one to blame and almost always I go back apologizing and trying to fix it, often being kicked some more and ignored for having had the audacity to say whatever I said. There is no compassion for me and even less understanding and so the cycle continues with me feeling that human beings are by design all disappointing, disloyal and not trustworthy.

No, my life isn’t ALL bleak and sad! I have to forcefully remove my obsessive thoughts at times and focus on that which truly is, versus that which I perceive. I have to keep asking those who love me to keep me in check and I have to be honest when I am looping again, going down the path of obsession. I now have enough experience to understand who and what type of person and situation will bring these  traits out even more, and I have to make constant efforts to not let them into my life, or get rid of of those who are already in. I have to keep reminding myself over and over that I am, in fact, loved by numerous people, but especially so by my best friends and my husband. Working out and doing activities that pull me out of my head help me a lot in shifting my focus towards good things. Sometimes it boils down to avoiding certain persons and situations altogether. If I cannot avoid them/do not have a choice in getting rid of them, I will do the minimum contact required and focus on remaining civil and courteous.

While my head goes down certain paths so automatically that I don’t even notice at times, I have opted to try CBT to remove the obsessive thoughts and basically rewire my brain so I can learn to remain in positive places and not get bothered and deeply affected by people and actions I shouldn’t care less about. It will hopefully teach me to prioritize and recognize situations and triggers correctly, so I am no longer a prisoner of my own thoughts.

And sometimes I am so happy to have those few who will pull me back the other way and instead of beating me up will tell me when I am NOT crazy or wrong. I try to be the most self-aware that I can be and I consistently strive to not be ruled by hard-wiring. In the end, I am human like everyone else and must learn that my obsessions lead to nothing but unhappiness, self-loathing, disappointment and anger.

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Posted in Human Behavior, Miscellaneous | 3 Comments »

Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

 

I spent a large part of my life trying to find “unique” individuals. When I was a teenager I used to think that all those who looked different and followed a different set of rules had to be different as well. I embarked on a journey of finding true individuals; creative souls and seekers of truth, unafraid to voice their opinions, out to make a difference and leading by sheer example. Being a diehard idealist and wanting to see the good in everyone made it fairly easy to find what I thought I was looking for. And so my search brought me to all the different groups and sub-cultures, ranging from the Goths over steam punks, gutter punks, long-haired rock dudes, nerds and finally pagans of all paths, such as Wiccans, ceremonial magicians, kabbalists, witches and warlocks, as well as other religious folks. 

I have learned a lot and met some interesting people, listened to some interesting view points and lifestyle choices and yet predominantly found disappointment. The more “different” a group was, the more they all became the same. Individualism was greatly diminished, once the group, or how I called them, “the herd,” dictated what was cool, acceptable, “normal,” and desirable. In their endeavor to stand out and be different they all became the same to me, shining with intolerance, judgmental and snobbish behaviors, stupidity, catty backstabbing, badmouthing and betraying each other, while singing the praises of their loyalty, open-mindedness and individuality.

 Being “different” usually translated into the license to be mean, rude and utterly self-centered, while hiding severe psychological issues under a wide array of costumes, make up and ceremonies that meant as little to them as to anyone else and had just as little or no effect in their life or anyone else’s. Saddened and severely disappointed I retrieved into my own shell and pretty much started avoiding most people from my mid-twenties on. I felt severely wounded and disillusioned by my findings and couldn’t understand how those who should know all about intolerance and superficiality were sporting those exact behaviors, calling it “acceptance” and “open mindedness.” Not giving a damn at all or caring enough to ever really voice an opinion to another’s face, not ever getting involved into another’s life (calling that neutral and not taking sides) and living mere existences of mediocrity and small-mindedness, while claiming that they had “stuck it to the man,” and achieved freedom of mind and spirit while getting addicted to substances, sex and alcohol, was the common behavioral patterns I observed. To me, there was nothing liberating or enticing about any of it.

 So I moved on to the “enlightened” group of spiritualists, pagans and other religious folks, to find predominantly a bunch of renfaire clothes sporting hedonists, who used spiritual teachings as a license to manipulate, while appearing as if they were actually doing something of importance. A lot of them claimed in excess of ten years in experience and knowledge, while their lives were falling apart and they had no more or less power than the next person to manifest or cause change. The longer the title, the more experience they claimed, the less I usually found behind the smoking mirror. And yet, the allure all of them had over the “normal” folks was not just astounding, but also puzzling to me. The more bizarre a notion, the more followers one could find, regardless of path or religion.

 Now that I am in my 40s I found that the most enlightened, most creative, most interesting individuals are often those you’d never make out in the crowd. They would often show themselves in the most mundane clothing, they wouldn’t always sport a vast amount of tattoos or piercings and they hardly ever claimed a title or specific style. They simply were. They stood out by walking to the beat of their own drum. Sometimes they would dress differently, sometimes they wouldn’t, but they all stood out by not trying to be different or by not trying to really be anything at all besides being true to themselves. They usually would have a tolerance that was inspiring to me and a sense of humor about life, not ever taking themselves or anything all that serious. They never felt a need to preach or push their beliefs on another and would inspire by the way they lived life and the choices and decisions they made.

 I look around me and notice that nothing has changed. People like Lady Gaga stand out by wearing bizarre clothing, just as the goths did way back when to me when I was a teenager. People appear to be so unique and different and then they speak and poof, the individuality and original “coolness” goes down the drain. But for most it is the exterior that counts, for that what appears cool or pretty, must be so by design. And so human beings continue to be fooled by that which seems, versus that which actually is.

 We do not see the true leaders and inspirational ones, because the squeaky wheels and those who scream the loudest are still heard the most. The fanatics demonstrate, disturb and smear, while the Dalai Lamas of the world quietly observe and spread peace by action. How we have it all backwards and know so little, while looking in the wrong places for purpose and quality of life. My question to those who still believe that coolness lies with exterior qualities and being passive and indifferent is this, who will remember how you looked, if you never shined with your mere way of being?

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Posted in Human Behavior, Miscellaneous, Spirituality/Philosophy | No Comments »

How to Jerk-Proof Your Life

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

I’ve had my fair share of tools. Over the years I have learned how to spot them, then how to avoid them and finally how to not allow them into my life anymore. Here are some ways to stop attracting tools, rejects and other detrimental additions to your life.

  1. Love thyself! It’s definitely not a cliché. Players and psychos have a way to literally sense insecurity and weakness. On top of that, your most dominate state of being is going to attract other “like-minded” individuals. If you feel unworthy, ugly, unimportant, etc., you will attract another who either feels the same, or confirms your negative thoughts by treating you in ways that support your subconscious self-image.
  2. No excuses! Ever read the book “He’s just not that into you?” It really doesn’t take the obvious here, but the small, subtle hints will suffice. If he stands you up, can only spend one day of the weekend with you, doesn’t return calls, etc. he is not into you. No, he didn’t get hit by a bus; he isn’t stranded without a phone or got into an accident. If he has no respect for your time and acts as a flake in the beginning, imagine how it will be a few months or years down the road!
  3. Know your own worth! Just  because he had bad relationships in the past, got lied to, cheated on, had a bad childhood or any other sob stories, does not give him the right to treat you unkind or disrespect you. A sad past does not give license to be dishonest, fall out of integrity or use and abuse another.
  4. Choose “healthy” friends! Here is a great way of gauging this one. Ask yourself if you could marry any of your friends. If the answer is “no,” and you are spending time and space with people who have no direction, people you do not admire and people who do not challenge you to grow, chances are you will attract the same in guys. It works like an occupational hazard. How can you meet the right guy if you are hanging in the wrong crowd? And on that note, guys will judge you based on who surrounds you! Your environment speaks volumes about you as a person.
  5. Don’t talk yourself into the relationship! I understand that it gets lonely out there. I also understand how it feels when it appears as if you found someone. But if there are red flags in the very beginning, pay attention to them! Don’t think you can change him, don’t feel you need to stick around, but move on. By deal-breakers I mean traits that are absolutely not acceptable to you under any circumstance. This could be drug use, a bad temper, being flaky/not keeping his word, or even be as simple as not being attracted to him.
  6. Make a list! Yep, this worked like a charm for me, not just in relationships but in other things as well. Make a list and note down the following two columns: Must Haves and Compromisables. Do not use negative language, i.e. “I don’t want,” and do not use superficial traits, like height, or hair color. Instead, be specific without limiting yourself. For example: Must Haves: Honest with himself and others, integrity, kind, caring, chemistry/sexually compatible… The chemistry part takes care of the exterior description, as we generally do not have chemistry with people that we are not attracted to. Carry the list with you, look it over at least once a day and NEVER compromise on the Must Haves!
  7. Follow your gut! Everyone is intuitive to a certain degree. We generally know when we meet someone if there is something off, or if the person is not right for us. Follow this initial instinct. If you are a person who talks herself out of her initial gut feeling, ask an intuitive friend to give you some insight. A neutral person can often spot the things we may purposely ignore.
  8. Make a deal with your friends! I had one with my best friends. The deal was that any new guy I was dating would have to pass “inspection” by my best friends. They had total permission to tell me what they saw and any flags were to be raised and discussed openly and honestly.
  9. Take your time! I know that being single can be sad and I know it’s difficult. But if you become desperate you will start to not just compromise (which can be a good thing), but settle. Nothing good comes from settling, besides the fact that you are wasting your and his time.
  10. Don’t believe everything you read in books or advice columns and think for yourself! Yep, I think a lot of the info out there is not only conflicting, but also flat out wrong at times. No, not all guys who merely tolerate their mothers are bad husbands. No, not all men who have been cheated on, or were married/engaged to psychos are broken for good and cannot function in a “normal relationship.” Just like not all guys who have an amazing relationship with their mothers are good husbands or boyfriends.

Some guys will simply never learn. It is up to you to connect the dots. Listen carefully to what friends he keeps and what they are saying about him. Also look at his previous history with relationships and pay close attention to specific patterns. How he treats you, how he speaks to you, how he looks at you, how thoughtful he is and how often he thinks of you will all show who he is and where you are headed. A good guy is really not that hard to spot and if you severe doubts in a guy to begin with, that should serve as a big enough flag to further examine him.

No man is perfect and neither are you. But there is a huge difference between a self-absorbed jerk or loser and a genuine good guy. With a little practice, self-awareness and determination the tools of the world won’t even have an in to your life anymore.

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Posted in Human Behavior, Relationships, Things that make me happy | 6 Comments »

What Constitutes a “Real Man/Nice Guy”

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

Apparently, people liked my blog on spotting jerks. Hence, I was asked to post a blog on how to spot the nice guys. I could be a Muppet now and say “you’ll know when you meet them,” but Muppetry is just not the way to go ;-)

Here are the ten common traits sported by a genuinely nice guy, which I consider btw, a “real man:”

  1. They are always willing to help you out. If it is at all in their power, they’ll be there when you need them. No matter if it is for crying, venting, fixing a sink, painting, or moving. Which leads to number 2.
  2. They know the true meaning of friendship. Nice guys not only get the meaning of friendship, but they honor it. This includes that they’ll stand up for you, protect you and respect you. A nice guy never turns on his woman.
  3. They look beneath the surface. Most nice guys have been to the dark side and returned. This means that they’ve had their share of dishonest, crazy or mean women. Even though men are visual, a good guy will not base his relationships solely on superficial things, i.e. the size of a woman’s boobs. There is nothing superficial about a nice guy!
  4. They own up to their shortcomings. All nice guys will always try to take the high road, instead of getting worked up. If they get jealous, or insecure, they may not immediately tell you, but they will let you know…IN A NICE AND RESPECTFUL WAY! Nice guys don’t have a chip on their shoulder.
  5. They are considerate and they respect you. These are still men we are talking about here, so they will probably forget stuff. But, the nice guys will know how much certain things mean to you, i.e. watering the plants, or whatever else is important to you, that couldn’t be more unimportant to him. He does it, because he pays attention, and because he values and respects your needs.
  6. You are his top priority, especially your well-being and safety!  I remember being stood up after returning from the ER for WoW by an ex and how terribly hurt I was. I recently had to go to the ER again. My husband dropped what he was doing, came to pick me up, brought me home and “watched over me.” For the truly nice guy, you are not merely another point on the “to-do-list.”
  7. You can talk to him about anything. Men don’t like discussing feelings. It’s as simple as that. But the good guys acknowledge that most of us women do, and don’t have an issue listening to you. A truly good guy knows that friendship is important in a relationship.
  8. They are secure enough with themselves without being arrogant, and the insecurities they do have are not running rampant. Real men don’t start brawls, they are not paranoid and they don’t project their issues on another.
  9. They don’t look down on others or have superiority complex. A real man doesn’t keep friends for the sake of making himself look better. He doesn’t badmouth his friends or his woman and he doesn’t put blame on everyone else for past failures.
  10. Their heart is open. It’s as simple as that. A real man is neither closed off, nor indifferent, disillusioned, cold, unsympathetic or mean. A good men will have an open heart that has enough room to fit you in. He will not just tell you that he loves you, he will show it!

The most important thing here is that you will not doubt a good guy. This is because he shows his heart and thoughts by his actions. A real man has integrity, is honest and stands by his word. He is the kind of guy people like spending time with. He is by no means perfect, but he always tries do be the best he  can. When he screws up, he doesn’t give up, but he gets back up.

A real man doesn’t ignore you, flirt or drool over others in front of you, doesn’t cheat and doesn’t run at the smallest sign of trouble. Integrity, respect, kindness and honesty are the key words to describe a good guy and a real man! The good guys are simply the opposite of a self-centered, dishonest, insecure and definitely not worthwhile jerk! ;-)

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Posted in Human Behavior, Relationships, Things that make me happy | 1 Comment »

10 Ways to Spot Closet Jerks

Friday, June 25th, 2010

I bet that everyone knows at least one guy, who seems to be such a nice guy…on the surface that is. In reality he is a selfish jerk, who tends to make you feel bad. A truly nice guy is generally consistently helpful, without expecting payment in return; is reliable, loyal, has a high sense of integrity, a great heart and just makes you feel happy for having him in his life. Because of this, they are generally liked by everyone and have a wide variety of people they get along with.

Now, let’s move to the closet jerk. Closet jerks always appear to be nice. Of course, they don’t share a whole lot about themselves with others, they tend to be kind of anti-social, are usually self-centered and shine by being victims, angry or so disappointed. Here is how one can spot a closet jerk:

  1. They tell you they are nice guys and blame their shortcomings on being nice! The closet jerk will whine and complain about having been cheated on and left and he can’t understand why. No woman really understands them and the only reason they are so lonely is because they are such nice guys!
  2. They will fix whatever is broken on your car or home, when “they have a chance.” Which is never. Their own projects and activities tend to come first. Which brings us to number 3.
  3. They are selfish. And then claim that they are selfish because they have been used so many times. Either way, they will justify why they can’t accompany you, spend time with you or help you out when you need it.
  4. They make you feel guilty, by being in a bad mood or having a bad attitude if they do accompany to a thing you wanted to do. They will show up to help out, while complaining about how hard they are working, that it was too hot, too cold, and how they worked harder than everyone else.
  5. The closet jerk needs to make himself sound great. Because they usually lack self-confidence, they’ll manage to throw in little tidbits that make them sound awesome. This includes their salary, a title, expensive toys, etc.
  6. They can only function in one type of environment. Chances are, the few friends they do still have, have been around for too many years to really care. Especially pay attention to those guys who hang out in sub-cultures, or scenes that are unconventional. They generally have no variety of friends, but only hang with people from the same clique/group they have been hanging out in since they were a teenagers.
  7. They are stuck in being a boy. Those guys have a tendency to go on about the “good old times” and because they never changed scenes or environments, they never grew emotionally and spiritually.
  8. Their past relationships have predominantly been with psychos or considerably younger girls. This is because closet jerks need to appear as saviors and heroes. They need to be admired, they need someone who makes them look good and cannot form meaningful or deep relationships with anyone who is genuine and real.
  9. They are judgmental and have a sense of superiority. They go on and on about having been bullied or judged when they were younger and now they do the same to anyone who doesn’t fit the exact mold they have created. Of course, the mold is usually based on superficial things, i.e. hair color, style and so on.
  10. They are just not fun to be around. Once the “nice guy” shell falls off and you are stuck spending time with them, you find that you feel just as miserable as they do. They tend to be downers and are dangerously unaware. Because in their heads they are nice guys!

Posted in Human Behavior, Relationships, Things that annoy me | 4 Comments »

Words Escape Me!

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

Apparently, there are quite a few people out there who are suing McDonald’s. Why? Because they want to bully them into stop selling happy meals containing toys for kids. They are blaming McDonald’s happy meal toys for the obesity and fat-children epidemic we are experiencing, and state that the extensive nagging of their children for the toys in the happy meals kind of forces them to give in!?! Here is one of the lovely quotes:

“McDonald’s is the stranger in the playground handing out candy to children,” Stephen Gardner, litigation director for the advocacy group said in a statement. “McDonald’s use of toys undercuts parental authority and exploits young children’s developmental immaturity.”

Wow! Really, this is what we are suing about these days? What ever happened to responsible parents and the word “no?” When I was a kid and asked my mother for a toy, she simply stated “no,” and that was that. No arguing, no complaining, she had the final word. Of course, because of how she raised me it didn’t even occur to me to keep on going.

What is wrong with people? What is going on with the finger-pointing, non-accountable, irresponsible society we live in? Really, we are blaming fast food chains for the country’s obesity? What a load of crap! So people are mindless zombies who cannot make decisions and will succumb to the evils of a fast food chain, because they basically have absolutely no willpower to simply not buy the food?

Hey, I love McDonald’s, Burger King, Carl’s, Jack in the Box and whatever else is out there. However, that doesn’t mean I eat it on a regular basis. I had to condition myself to get away from fast food, but once I realized how many calories most of these meals are packing, I simply turned it into a rare treat.

Whatever happened to the “land of the free?” The food Nazis are trying to create laws that bully us into eating what they consider good for us. The cigarette bans are spreading all over the country, not even outdoor patios have smoking sections anymore. And the cigarette companies are being sued for those who chose to smoke! Gee, if we want to go with addiction, we might as well ban everything.

People are addicted to carbs. Let’s just ban all white flower containing pastas and bread. They are also addicted to alcohol, so let’s just ban booze. While we are at it, World of Warcraft and games overall are addictive, let’s sue Blizzard and the other gaming companies for “creating games that do not have an ending and therefore cause addiction.” Some are addicted to tanning; hence, tanning beds should be banned. Who needs a tan anyway?

I could continue this list for quite a while to show how ridiculous the notion is to blame what one’s choices of consumption on the establishment/company that sells it. This is what the freedom part is supposedly about, right? And meanwhile, more and more of our “choices” and “freedom” are taken away by overbearing, crazy fanatics, who force their will on others in the name of doing good. And of course, all these “experts” really know what is good for us. Because what works for them must work for the rest of the country.

What a shitty parent are you if you can’t teach your kid right from wrong, proper nutrition and if you can’t say no. What are you going to do when he/she gets older and really relies on your parenting skills? Good times if your kid is taught that whining, nagging and complaining gets him/her what she wants. Guess how strong they will be once drugs are offered to them.

And on another note, what a bunch of BS that fast food is bad for you. Of course it is! If one eats it every day! This is how it goes with pretty much anything, pals. Anything one does in excess is bad for you and that does not only pertain to fast food. The fast food chains do have nutrition info available for all their foods. If you choose to eat a 1,500 calorie burger, it’s on you and no one else. I insist on the freedom to be able to purchase whatever the hell I want, even if that is fast food every day!

This country is based on the freedom to choose and capitalism, i.e. supply vs. demand. What are you going to do, you self-righteous Muppets? Are you going to ban liquor stores, candy, chocolate, starch, Twinkies and all the other crap that is readily sold in supermarkets? How about suing the supermarkets for setting up stores in a way that you are forced to walk through the entire store in order to get what you want, while they are bombarding you with marketing techniques that get you to buy a load of stuff you didn’t need or wanted to  buy when you walked in?

Come on! Get a life, grow some balls, learn to make choices, take responsibility for your own actions and shut the hell up!

Posted in Human Behavior, Things that annoy me | 1 Comment »

Show – Don’t Tell

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

All the words in the world are useless if one is not willing to do the action behind them. This is why positive talk by itself is ineffective. “Well, why even change my words then?” you may ask. Because most actions start with words, and we’ll eventually believe what we utter to ourselves constantly.

80% of how we come across to another is delivered by non-verbal queues! This is how one can identify a liar for example. Or ever met the people who talk about how confident they are/how good they are at a certain thing? If the body language does not convey the same thing, people won’t believe the words either. This is why many of us literally take deep breaths and stand up straight when we enter a job interview or otherwise challenging situation. Appearing tall conveys confidence to others and to us. Try walking tall, with your head held high and feeling small and insignificant! It’s like saying “yes,” while shaking your head.

How about people who keep giving you advice on life situations, while their lives are total messes. Or a boss who is telling you what to do and how to do it, even though they have never done the work. How serious do you take the words? Yes, there are some who are excellent advice givers, but don’t ever take their own advice to heart. However, continuously demonstrating that you cannot do what you are preaching will take your credibility away. Trust me, I speak from experience. *hangs head in shame*

There comes a point when even the best advice loses its power. This is the point where we have to actually do. Words can and will be detrimental to one’s well-being and growth if they are negative. This is due to the fact that our subconscious mind does not differentiate between do and don’t. For example, if I keep telling myself that I don’t want to crave cheeseburgers anymore, guess what’s now firmly imprinted into my mind? Of course, a cheeseburger. It works this way with all negative queues. This is why it is really important to omit negative language from one’s vocabulary. This is how hypnosis works.

When we start doing the things we are most afraid of, we are sending a very powerful message to our subconscious mind, namely “I am brave.” Keep doing it and the subconscious will believe it. It believes indiscriminately, no matter what you tell it. And given that it is our subconscious mind which creates our reality, it only makes sense that one’s life starts shifting when one combines the actual words with the actions behind it. This is why therapy does not work for certain people. If one is not willing to do the suggestions of the therapist, no counseling in the world will be successful. In this case, therapy becomes a mere alibi for doing something.

The difference between talking the talk and walking the walk is being passive versus being active. Those who talk a lot – if not combined with actions – tend to wait for things to happen to them. The doers take control of their life or a situation. If you think about relationships in this sense, you will also be able to weed out true versus superficial. The words are merely noise if one is not willing to follow them or act on them. So take a deep breath, stand up tall and move forward.

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Posted in Human Behavior | 1 Comment »

A Better World – We’re Doing it Wrong

Sunday, June 13th, 2010

We sure have a lot of problems in this country. Two thirds of our population are overweight and obese, 14% of Americans are illiterate, including 20% of all high school graduates, and while I could go on and on with statistics, I just want to add one more, which is probably one of the worst, the BP oil spill. Why I am adding this one will become apparent in a minute.

We rant and rave about behaviors. And once it’s too late, that is when we are all up in arms about the state of the nation and the horrors of the world. But let’s just state the obvious. The “better” life in this country is not always available for everyone!

I sure as hell don’t like eating “crappy” food. Hence, when I eat beef, I try to always go for grass fed. When I buy fruits and veggies, I try to get them organic, because I just don’t want to deal with the pesticides. Dairy products I also only buy organic, because I don’t want to consume hormones in my milk. Instead of processed and “white” food items I try to eat whole grain or sprouted grain. Yes, I feel healthier and yes, I really think that this stuff is better for you and yes, my grocery bill has more than doubled!

I am lucky, because I am actually able to shop at Whole Foods, but a family of 4 or 5 probably won’t be able to afford it. Of course, one can go to Trader Joe’s but their selection is usually rather limited. So often it boils down to either eating healthy and paying more than double on some items, or eating junk, which comes cheap and is affordable for everyone.

People are screaming about the oil spill. “Let’s all boycott BP!” Yes, let’s! It won’t do a damn thing! Why? Because at least half of the population is still driving SUVs. The American Dream still includes a great car and great cars are built with shitty gas mileage. Geez, I am guilty as charged too! I am driving a V6 and feel incredibly guilty about it. Of course, this didn’t really cross my mind while I was blinded by the shiny object at the car dealer’s lot! Like all the other suckers, I drove off “looking cool” and justifying my move by stating “well, it does get almost 29 mpg on the fwy.” Which means, NEVER! In LA you will NEVER get this gas mileage! My average mpg is 20!

Of course, I am well aware of how crappy the state of environment is. Hence, I started doing a little research. The sad thing is that most environmentally friendly cars just look like crap! Let’s face it, there is just nothing pretty about a Prius for me. I don’t like Easter egg shaped cars. If I could, I’d be driving a Camaro. Alas, this would be a total ass hat move, since I really do want to contribute to a cleaner environment.
And then there is the holy grail of electric cars, the Tesla Roadster! Yes, for $112,000 you, too, can be environmentally friendly AND drive an awesome looking vehicle. The problem is, I don’t have $112,000! Well, I could lease one…for the bargain price of $1,700 a month! Not so much!

So what is it with our country? If you want to live “cleaner” it will usually cost you a bundle and it’s often simply not attainable for those who do not make 6 figures. What company would come up with an awesome concept, like the Tesla and yet charge you 6 figures for it? How many people will actually profit from this design?!

Thank god, Nissan is coming out with the Leaf, a 100% electric car, with a charger station that can be installed in your own garage! Small side effect, the car isn’t that attractive looking, has a fuel range of only about 200 miles (so ixnay on taking it on a road trip) and comes in only one color. BUT…I am more than willing to swallow my pride, if it means I am actively doing something to help our environment.

My point is that it is easy to judge people who are overweight/obese, addicted to tobacco, alcohol and consumerism, when this is exactly what this country is built upon. As Americans we are the ultimate consumers. We have never been truly faced with consequences, because we live in the land of the free. We wait until we hit the crisis, then we throw our arms up in the air, yell bloody murder and point fingers.

I hate to say it, it’s not the fast food restaurants, the corn farmers and the oil companies alone who are to blame. It is largely about the fact that we don’t fight hard enough for the things we should be fighting for, namely our planet. Maybe the guys in charge should provide better incentives for green companies. Maybe they should give incentives to car companies who built environmentally friendly vehicles. Maybe the crappy stuff shouldn’t be available for so much less than the good stuff. Maybe living healthy should be more affordable for the average person and maybe we should invest more in our public transportation systems, versus bailing out the car companies! Maybe there should be something done about the fact that our food and everything else one can afford is the equivalent to “made in China.” Cheap stuff, without any nutritional or qualitative value. We are truly the “throw away” society, and if you want quality, you’ll pay a fortune. Which is why companies like Wal-Mart are making billions of dollars!

In my opinion, it is easy to scream once the damage is done. It is much harder to take a look in the mirror at oneself and then start contributing in whatever little way one can, even if that means one has to push past one’s comfort zone. The changes for a healthier planet and population start with even the smallest changes coming from each and every one of us.

We are the consumers, as long as we scream for shitty foods, cheap junk, huge cars and instant gratification, companies will keep on producing them. You want to cause change? Well, it won’t happen if you boycott BP, or sneer at fast food junkies! Yes, my grocery bill is outrageous, but if I can afford it, I will support the organic farmers. Yes, I will drag my butt over to the local farmer’s market and buy their stuff, even though it isn’t as convenient as going to one of the supermarkets in the neighborhood. Yes, I will pay off my V6 and then never buy another gas guzzler again. Hopefully in another two years the technology has advanced and electric cars or hybrids are made that look more attractive and have a wider operating range. And if not, well, in that case I’ll just have to drive myself around in a car that may not look that hot, but at least my conscience is going to be clear and I won’t be feeling like such a hypocrite.

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Posted in Human Behavior, Life, Miscellaneous | 5 Comments »

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