There are so many self-help books on the market, so many articles on how to attract your soul-mate, tons of advice on what to say and what not to say, all neatly beating around the bush and afraid to crush an already crushed ego. I feel they are all doing it wrong! Why? Because ego shows in many forms, and it’s not necessarily all about being full of yourself. Being a victim, a martyr, masochist and whiner is another form of ego. It’s just the one most don’t want to talk about.
There are times when we are in a shitty spot in our life and sometimes these times can actually last a while. But, if year after year, you find yourself alone, if you keep getting rejected for the same reasons, chances are, it isn’t them, it is, in fact, you. If you keep finding yourself lonely, if you are short on real friends, if you have to scramble to find people who want to continuously spend time and space with you, yep, you’ve guessed it, it’s you. If all of these triggers have been true for at least half of your adult life, or 6+ years, it’s time to point the finger at yourself, instead of blaming everyone else.
I am not trying to be cruel, I just feel I must at least try to point out the obvious. Everyone screams they want to hear the truth, but then they are equally quick in defining what truth is to them and how the truth must be presented. Bzzz…Thanks for playing!
You want to know how to attract “the love of your life?” Try taking a long hard look at yourself, instead of blaming others. Here are the things that are totally and utterly unattractive to both genders. Displaying/acting upon/being this way will definitely reserve you a permanent place in Reject- and Lonelyville, being left without a whole lot of friends and definitely not with your soul-mate.
1. The Martyr and Victim
You know the type that enters a room as if they have been beaten over the head consistently (shoulders slumped, head down, eyes fixated on the floor). They carry an imaginary cross on their shoulders and usually shine by sitting in a corner somewhere moping, hardly speaking to anyone. When approached by an attractive member of the opposite sex, they tend to go into rants about why they are single, how hard it is to find the right person, how their standards are really not unreasonable, blah, blah and blah.
How do you recognize this type, besides the obvious words and body language? Healthy people of both genders will run rather quickly the other way, while the unhealthy ones will try to fix them, in which case they’ll be single soon enough again, for reason number 2.
2. Kick me
This is the type who goes on and on about not being able to find a single “nice” woman or man. This is because they usually reject nice women or men. Kick mes are usually attracted to people who make them feel worse about themselves, because they tend to mistake feeling shitty with fearful adrenaline rushes and excitement. Their already low self-esteem can generally only be elevated by someone who ignores them some more, which is the only way you get this type interested. The worse you treat them or the more you ignore/reject them, the more they’ll be into you. If you are a player, sociopath, jerk, cold-hearted bastard or user, you are usually pretty good in spotting and landing the “kick me” type.
3. But…(the kings and queens of excuses)
No matter what you will point out to them, they know it better. They have a ton of excuses for not doing the right thing, not taking care of themselves, not going to therapy, not working out, eating right, kicking that habit, etc. There is always a “but,” and no rhyme or reason ever wins here. After a while no one is really interested in telling them anything true or worthwhile anymore, and again, Mr./Mrs. But remains left alone in the dust. (Except when they attract another “but” person. Good times having those two together)
4. Shallow Hal/Holly
These are the ones who whine about not finding “the one,” because there are simply not enough men and women out there who are in their preferred looks, income, age and “type” group. They can only date “their type.” Their values are based on superficial exterior traits, which they then stubbornly defend by saying “it’s not my fault I am not attracted to/don’t have chemistry with my non-type.”
5. The Downer
The glass is always half empty for them. They shine with absolutes like always, never, everyone and no one. They have been wronged, cheated on, dumped and neglected and never got over it. They create their future from their past and cannot even imagine ever being happy, which attracts more of the same. They have a cloud over their head, which may have initially been put there by another and is now solely left alive by only them. They tend to drain the living hell out of most people and hence, remain alone.
The truth is that those who keep finding themselves rejected are probably exhibiting some, if not all of the traits mentioned above.
Happiness and love is something that we create. There isn’t a lottery out there that dishes out “happy” to some and the “ass card” to another. There is a HUGE difference about taking a cold, hard look at yourself, getting yourself into gear/fixing yourself, adjusting your expectations and settling. Somehow, the guys mentioned here stubbornly insist that letting go of their crap is a form of settling. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Chemistry is really important! But chemistry is exactly that, a chemical reaction! And that is not necessarily based on your inflated sense of ego. If you have no self-esteem and love for yourself, of course, you will need someone else who’ll make you look good. That is NOT chemistry! Chemistry doesn’t necessarily have rhyme or reason (just ask those who ended up with people they didn’t see coming!). I, for one, never liked facial hair and am married to a guy with a beard. I happen to think he is the hottest man alive!
Standards are really important! Raising the bar when it comes to your choices in a potential life-mate is something quite a few people should do. However, there is a huge difference in raising one’s standards and raising one’s expectations! Standards are about true, lasting values as they pertain to YOU! This may mean for some a certain level of education, being accomplished at a certain age, having strong character, having integrity, being monogamous, etc. Wearing sneakers is NOT a value or deal breaker for a relationship!
Life is all about choices. Finding happiness and true love is a choice and it starts with you. An empty, hollow soul who doesn’t have an ounce of self-respect and self-love has nothing to offer to a successful, true and loving person. We all attract mirror images of ourselves, as well as exactly what we think we deserve. If, deep down, we feel that we have nothing to offer and are worthless, we will attract people who have nothing to offer and are worthless. If we focus on shallow traits to make up for our own short-comings, we will find others who are equally as shallow to us. Think of the guy who left his wife for a young chick in her 20s, and later on got dumped by her because she was bored with him.
The jig is up! People can spot low self-esteem and broken souls from a mile away. The healthy people will actually stay clear of you, which leaves you with the unhealthy and crazy ones. Take a good look around at your social network, your friends and your past relationships. If you think that your unhappiness is caused by others, think again.
Why would I know this with such certainty? Because I have been ALL of the above at some point or another in my life! Pulling my head out of my butt and finally learning to love and respect myself brought me all the things I used to whine about not having. When one points the finger at another, three fingers point back at you!
I’ve listened to an interview this morning with some woman who wrote a book called “The Last Living Slut.” She gave her opinion on sex, relationships and marriage, and then went on saying how monogamy is unnatural, how human beings are simply not wired to be that way, and that this is the reason the divorce rate and cheating rate is so high. *sigh*
*waves at Rosel*
