03.05.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy at 1:38 pm by PsychicDonut
People have often asked me how one meditates. People ask, how do you quiet your own mind, when you barely find the ability to focus on a book you want to read? Hence, for all those who quiver when being presented with the idea of meditation, I want to call it something different, I am going to call it “visualization;” and I say everyone can do it, unless you are void of all imagination and don’t know how to daydream.
Why is it so important to do this? Because if one visualizes specific things over and over, they become imprinted in one’s subconscious mind, and THIS is what creates your reality. There are plenty of people who try to argue this and swear that their reality is created by conscious choices. Which is predominantly true for “healthy” people.
Let me demonstrate this. Most people have encountered at least one drama queen in their life. What I mean by that is a person who has one bad thing happen after another. A person who gets into car accidents, loses jobs, has abusive relationships, no or shitty friends, is lonely, maybe was diagnosed with cancer, gets evicted, loses their home, etc.. I think you get the picture. A lot of these things can happen to “normal” people, but what makes the “crazy makers” (how my therapist used to call them) stand out is that it never ends. It is one bad thing after another and it is never their fault. They are a constant victim of life and circumstances and while they often do have small glimpses of “truth” their story remains “It isn’t my fault and I did nothing to bring this on.” I am sure you know what I am talking about here.
To a degree one could argue that it isn’t their fault, would there not be such a thing as actively creating one’s reality. Excuse the words I am using now, but victims and martyrs have no free will at all. They are slaves to their stories of victimization and know how to suffer so much better that they actually create these bad situations, subconsciously! There is no free will, because they are conditioned to expect the worse, to “never win” and to “always get beaten.” They are not only more than three times more likely to get into accidents, but also more than five times more likely to get terminally ill. They are actively poisoning their mind, body and spirit and as many can attest, their surroundings.
Many of us had bad things happen to us. We are all survivors of one thing or another, but what differentiates us and defines us in character and spirit, is how we are dealing with the bad things and how we are treating those around us as we are hurting. Lashing out, abusing and bad-mouthing others are definitely not the strong suits of great spirit and character. Justifying one’s bad behaviors and insisting on not being at fault, having no accountability and pointing fingers is another indicator of the persons I have described above. If you now add on how no one ever does or gives enough to them, you’ll have the full picture. Like a virus, they are sucking up your energy and emotions and still remain a bucket with a huge hole on the bottom.
We do have free will and we can visualize what it is we want for ourselves. We can visualize the life we want to have, the jobs, relationships and friendships we would like to attract and we can actively work towards it by making conscious choices that support these images.
When we drop our attachment to being a victim and take true responsibility for our own well-being and state of mind, we create a world that is fairly free of suffering and predominantly filled with joy and happiness. The more we become our “higher” self, the better the quality of our lives become.
It took me a very long time to really grasp the concepts of this. When I hit rock bottom emotionally, I felt I had nothing else to lose and gave it a try. Every time I was feeling angry and bitter, I told myself out loud “STOP!” Every time I envisioned horrible things, I stopped it and if I had no tools to envision happy things, I watched a movie that made me happy, or listened to a song that makes me feel better, etc. Every time my mind would follow the hard-wired neuro-pathways in my brain to suspicion, obsession, fear and paranoia, I’d stop in mid track and either talk about it to someone I trusted, saying things like “I need your help right now,” or working out. Every time I wanted to spew negativity on my blog, I walked away and didn’t write at all. Hence, the large gaps between blogs at times.
I would find activities, words and actions that would deter the bad and negative energy, and create positive and healing energy instead. One could call it spiritual alchemy.
What started happening was remarkable! Not only were people who no longer served my path taken out, but I started attracting whatever I wanted, LITERALLY! For example, after Yahoo laid me off, I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what I wanted to do. I bounced from one idea to the next and attracted NO JOB! Finally, one day my husband asked me, “well, if you could do anything what would you want to do?” I said “I really want to do fraud prevention for gaming. I want to catch bad guys for gaming, because I love to game and I think it would be fun.” Within less than a month I received an offer as fraud consultant for one of the largest gaming companies in the world.
While I was working for them though, I realized that I actually didn’t like working for gaming. I felt that working in the gaming world was really not so different than working in the entertainment industry, which was one I always vowed I’d never work for. My contract was actually not running out until March 31, which didn’t stop me from quitting in February!
I delivered and fulfilled my contract. At the same time though, I started networking again. I was networking with so many different people that job interviews started literally pouring in. At one point I was interviewing with three companies at the same time, one of them being one of the largest corporations in the world and dangling the ultimate carrot in front of my nose.
So here were the choices: A giant who was never really rejected from anyone, a smaller company who helped people find their life partners and finally, the third one, another smaller company who actually has a mission statement that reads that they are dedicated to being a positive force in people’s life. What do they do? They provide psychic readings and astrological charts.
As soon as the job for the Psychic site was posted on LinkedIn, I received an email from one of my ex Yahoo employees. She felt that this would be perfect and after reading the job description, I had to agree. We all know that I love doing fraud prevention, but doing it for something I have incorporated in my personal life for more than ten years seemed to be a dream come true. Anyone who knows me is aware that I always “wanted to change the world.” And hello, my blog is the Psychic Donut for a reason! If you know me well, you know why it is called that!
So, before I received a job offer from any of the companies, I felt it was the right thing to do to quit. I had no other job lined up, my husband had just returned from his project, but that didn’t stop me. I had never felt stronger in my gut that I had found my purpose and it was NOT working for the giant, making a gazillion dollars and having a whole boat load of prestige attached. My calling was out there and I didn’t quite know what that would be, but I did know that I was close to finding it.
My last day with the gaming company was Friday, February 19. I had marched into my bosses office three weeks prior and told him that it was time for me to move on. At that point, the Psychics weren’t even in the picture yet. I felt in my gut that I was about to get my chance, and the feeling was so overwhelmingly strong that I walked out without having a back up.
I visualized. I decided that I wanted to align all my efforts and energy from now on with strengthening my higher self. I had signed up for Reiki I about a month earlier (and taking my intro class on Sunday), I signed up to work with Stand Up for Kids again, an organization who helps homeless children to get off the streets and asked to be their director of volunteers. I had decided that I wanted to fight fraudsters, but in an environment where it would aid other people. I had painted my picture of the life I wanted from following point, approx. 15 months ago:
1. Laid off by the company I had been with for almost 8 years
2. Dumped by the guy I was with for almost 2 years
3. Feeling utterly useless and worthless, thinking that no one in the world wants me, sees me or understands me
I got tired of my own BS and martyr story in February of 2009. I visualized a life in which I was married to my soul-mate, the man who’d love me more than anything else in the whole world and thought me all the things others did not.
I visualized working in a company that made a difference, fighting crime and having fun, whilst living in my own home.
I visualized myself getting in shape, working out, losing weight and becoming healthy. I gained a bunch of healthy muscle mass, lost 15 lbs and five inches on my waist alone. And what did my trainer teach me “I CAN’T IS NOT IN OUR VOCABULARY!”
In other words, I visualized that turning 40 would be the beginning of the life I always wanted and the death of the life I had lived, which was a lie.
I believed it so strongly that I created EXACTLY that. Top that ye of little faith, doubting Thomases and nay-saying pessimists. I have found my bliss, and I created it out of a pile of rubbish, and so can everyone else out there!
The only person that is stopping you, is you!
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02.25.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy at 11:21 am by PsychicDonut
I believe in a soul and a concept of a higher self. I recently had a discussion with a friend who said that his concept of a soul is an entity outside one’s being, but yet energetically connected. Depending on who and what surrounds us, we’ll either add or take away from this soul.
Come to think of it, this belief is very much like my own. Except that I would call it corruption of one’s soul, until there is very little left of a higher consciousness, or any type of peace, harmony or higher self.
Oddly enough, on the same day I had a conversation with another friend, who was telling me how hurt and hung up she was on an ex and how hard it was for her to let go. She felt angry and told me that when people don’t forgive her, it makes her feel like a failure. I can relate to that so well. I have gone through crazy lengths to convince people of my “goodness.”
As she was telling me about how crappy she felt. I told her that I had a theory, or something I had noticed about myself. Most of my anger and bitterness that I would spill into some of my blogs, all stemmed from people who had wronged and hurt me in the past. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get over/not forget the experience, but what made me so angry, furious and bitter, was how their blatant selfishness, mean spirit, lashing out, using me, lying to me, and utter refusal to be accountable, or even as much as apologize to me, etc. had taken away from my soul.
I remembered being one of the most bright eyed, spiritual and to a degree innocent people I knew. I had such a strong belief in the good of people, some form of higher power that was surrounding me at all times, a desire to truly walk in light and help that it never even dawned on me that some simply don’t care, won’t care, can’t care. Sometimes people would make fun of that and call me naive. But the more I ran into selfish people who claimed to care, but only did what served them, and either weakly, or strongly defending their ways, the less I believed that people were either worth saving, nor trusting. The more years went by being surrounded by weak-willed, broken people, the less I believed that anything is possible.
When one spends years with the nay-sayers who whine and “prove” that you truly are powerless, you start believing it. This is what makes these people so toxic. Just like a virus, they infect those around them. Void of hope, light or anything worthwhile to share, they suck away the energy of those who have or had it, until they become just like them. Hence, again! Look at those who are broken and see who surrounds them. Won’t be too many sane, successful and evolved people (no, I am not talking about monetary success, I have met even psychopaths who can create wealth!).
The part that sucks about having had your soul “partially eaten” is that it takes such a long time to regain the qualities you have lost. I guess for some it is impossible, and for others it is just a constant struggle, that requires a lot of self-awareness and the willingness to stop one’s own crazy behavior. It also helps to have role models!
I am lucky in that matter. I have looked around and found some amazingly inspiring people, who not just encouraged me, but inspired me to follow suit. My soul has been doing a nice healing job. I have released most toxic influences, and I no longer differentiate between those who are willingly toxic and those who claim they don’t know/it’s not their fault.
It is hard, very hard. There are times when I am utterly amazed at how loving my husband would react to certain displays of paranoia, driven by a severely broken heart and trust in anyone.
Now I have courage to do things I have NEVER done before. It is a little like remembering a past life. You kind of “wake up” and think “oh yeah, THIS is who I am supposed to be, this is who I was before.” Then, slowly but surely, you create the life that mirrors this understanding and feeling from within. When “bad” comes up you’ll diffuse it and counter it with “good.” Working out does wonders!
The miracle though is how your life aligns itself with a vision you may have had a long time ago. I think this is my true understanding of what Crowley called “doing one’s will.” And from this point on, everything almost magically falls into place. And you scratch yourself on the head and wonder “WOW! And even if it is merely my brain producing these states of bliss and well-being, I CHOOSE to believe that there is something else out there. Something I may not be able to explain, but whatever “it” is sure as hell not only heard me, but is constructing what I never, ever thought possible, and dared not believe. I am living my dream. And while I have a great love and compassion for people, I no longer care if they are doing the same. I am focusing, yet again on helping the ones that are at least partially awake, instead of trying to wake up the sleepers.”
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02.11.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy, Things that make me happy at 5:23 pm by PsychicDonut
I truly am an idealist. I believe in “good,” and try to see the best in all people. I believe that every person has infinite possibility to create happiness and think that most people are reasonably intelligent to grasp the concept about sticking one’s finger in the power outlet over and over, will only result in getting shocked over and over. It honestly never really dawned on me that some people may not be all that bright, or that some people find a great deal of comfort in being miserable. It didn’t occur to me that some people always need attention, even if it is bad one and that some have traveled so far down the rabbit hole of denial that their idea of reality is totally and utterly distorted. I therefore used to think that certain people do certain things on purpose.
Gosh, I would get so angry and wanted to shake people while screaming “are you dense? Do you NOT see how crazy you are? Look at your life and walk back the past ten years and tell me you do NOT notice how you keep creating more of the same, day in and day out.” In a way, I would do just that at times. See, I was used to this type of behavior from being born and raised in Germany. When I screwed up my friends would hold me accountable. There were dire consequences to my behaviors, which taught me early on (when I was a teenager) that people would not tolerate constant lame excuses coming from me. In a way, my friends in Germany did anything BUT look the other way!
Another one that was very different for me in Germany was the level of loyalty. Your friends were your friends. They stuck by you through thick and through thin. They’d be brutally honest with you and if anyone hurt you, they’d go after them, or at least cast them out. Yes, the most dreaded trait I have been accused of was normal at home, we were black and white in certain areas. I didn’t have to explain myself all the time, I wasn’t seen as abrasive, but strong and loyal and I was not used to anyone sugar coating things to me, or me having to sugar coat for others.
For example, after returning to Germany for the first time after 8 years, I stepped off the plane and was greeted with “Damn, you’ve gotten fat. You need to lay off the cheeseburgers those Yanks are feeding you.” At the same token, when I came back a few years later I was told how much I have slimmed down and how good I look for my age.
I never really had to read between the lines and I sure as hell never met as many delusional folks in Germany, as I did in Los Angeles. No offense! I know lots of amazing people here too and can honestly say that they outweigh the crazy ones in my life!!
There is a certain social dance here I couldn’t quite grasp. After 17 years it is easier for me to navigate through the landmines within conversations here, but it never did feel natural. There is still a stubborn part in me that refuses to play the game, unless I absolutely have to. I felt a need to be honest at all cost. I also felt that withholding, or being quiet was being dishonest. Hence, I randomly spilled out any and every thought and emotion that would come to mind, thinking that people would get the gist, because they know me. I also felt that they would be just as thankful for someone calling them on their stuff as I was. NOT SO!
The beauty of life these days is that I have created a life that is happy and balanced. And within this life an amazing thing has happened, my priorities are finally getting aligned correctly. I am finally learning to open my mouth where I need to and should have a long time ago and where to keep it shut where I need to and should have in the past. I am learning that I don’t have to care about Joe Schmoe and Sue Schmue doing the same idiotic dance again that they have been doing for their entire life. I don’t find myself all that affected by how dishonest, weak willed, cowardly or ignorant people are, because I can choose to not have such folks in my life.
I am learning that just because someone has done a nice thing for me in the past, or has been there for me on occasion, does not mean that I owe them for the rest of my life. I know that I have paid my dues; to them and everyone else for that matter who needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on or anything else. I have learned that I deserve peace and harmony, not chaos and drama. I have learned that life is precious and goes by at the blink of an eye. I therefore have an obligation to myself to make the best of it.
I still uphold truth, honesty, loyalty and integrity as the most important traits in one’s being. I just don’t expect the rest of the world to have the same values anymore and actually make a conscious effort to stay clear of those who do not. Truth is in the eye of the beholder? I think not. There is universal truth and I am actively seeking those who walk on the same, or at least similar paths. It’s amazing how quiet and peaceful life becomes when one does just that.
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01.26.10
Posted in Human Behavior, Life at 9:59 am by PsychicDonut
There are so many lessons I have yet to learn. I have learned a lot within the past year, and some things are still lingering. These are the ones that are the most deeply ingrained and the hardest to learn.
I tend to write my frustrations about the human race down, by turning to my blog. I rant about the things that deeply bother me and the ones I simply cannot grasp. I usually try to find some kind of sense when writing about the behaviors of people who seem so intelligent. It took me a while to realize that intelligence has nothing to do with self-awareness, or how well your life turns out, for that matter. It seems that intelligence would lead you to make better decisions, but I do know first hand that this isn’t the case.
Because I understand pain so well, I naturally flock to it and want to fix it. I am an equal opportunity rescuer. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, the more broken you are, the more I am, oh wait, used to be, willing to jump in to rescue you, fix you or try to help you. The lengths I would go through are insane and would range from financial help to taking people into my home, just to name a few.
The interesting thing is that I can get so frustrated when I write and come across so harsh, and yet in real life, I’d be choosing my words not only wisely, but often I wouldn’t confront people at all. Those who know me well also know that it takes me a long time to open my mouth in a harsh way and even longer to call it quits. I would swallow my frustration, sadness and whatever else they’d bring up for years.
This is the one lesson I haven’t learned yet. I used to be almost offended when certain teachings would talk about letting go of people who no longer serve you. A lot of people didn’t serve me, but I served them really well. After all, the Virgo is the sign of servitude and industriousness. We generally do well with the types who need others to build them up, serve them and make them feel better, because we tend to keep giving of ourselves until we “break.” Once we feel spent, it can get ugly, but we generally still won’t walk.
It is the lesson I have the hardest time with. Instead of trying to keep modifying my message to be more understanding and more giving and more gentle, I am learning that for some people there is no way they get it. There is no way I can modify my words or attitude to make them understand, because they are too far entangled into their stories of not getting it and of nothing being their fault/having no power whatsoever.
I wished I would have learned this lesson earlier in life. I have spent many years trying to help fix broken people. The cost was pretty dire in some cases and nearly did me in a few years ago. There is only so much life, energy and heart one can suck out of you, before you crash. I crashed and had to learn to build myself up and do a better job. I didn’t though, for another 2 years. It is, after all, my taught duty to just take it to the chin and keep trying.
I am getting closer to grasping this lesson of letting go of people and situations who no longer/don’t serve my well-being at all. What is the point of keeping anyone who keeps making you miserable, who you don’t respect, who you can’t bear to listen to and who drives you crazy most of the time? And no, I am not only talking about relationships, but also about friends, companies and co-workers. I guess, for me the point always was to hope that one day they’d wake up. Well, 99% of them never did, to this day.
So last night I dreamt of my best friend in Germany. My best friend when I was a teenager and the equivalent to my sister. That is until she became a heroin addict. She has been hooked on this crap for well over 10 years. She is too far gone and at this point, the chances that she will EVER get off of it are slim to none. So, last night I dreamt that she was homeless now and that her 7 year old daughter was living with her on the streets. She was carrying nothing but a basket of dirty laundry, which she was bringing to a laundry mat. She was dressed all in black; black sweat pants, and a black hoody, with the hood moved deep into her face. She was a walking skeleton, deep circles under her eyes and walking like an old woman.
In my dream I drove by her in the car on the way to the airport. And my other friend said “don’t look, Carmen. It IS her!” I felt my heart breaking and I leaned over to hold on to my friend and started crying for the woman who once was my sister and now is “dead.” The last time I saw her, she said “I wished you would have never moved to the States. If you would have stayed here, I would have never gotten hooked on this shit.” This is when I walked away and never saw her again after.
There was/is nothing I could do. When someone is so deep in denial that they look back at their life and all they can say is “if x, y and z wouldn’t have happened, I’d be a better person now,” while continuing their self-destructive ways, I must turn away. And yet, it is ripping my heart out, for how would I be me, if I am not a person with deep compassion for those who screw up their own lives?
All these broken souls have worn me out. I think THAT is the reason that I am so angry and harsh at times. I think I have to just learn to walk and not look back, so I can be the best I can be. I am dreading this lesson more than anything else. It is so hard for me to let go, even of those who have hurt me deeply, humiliated me, bad-mouthed me or let me down. I still keep thinking that it somehow “wasn’t their fault.” And so, I have spent years feeding into them remaining the same and not learning anything at all. Now I am learning when to really walk away and that is going so far against my grain that it hurts a lot. But at the end of the day, you can’t unlearn the things you’ve learned, so I guess, onward I go.
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01.22.10
Posted in Life, Things that make me happy at 7:17 pm by PsychicDonut
Right now, I am honestly feeling as if I am living my dream. The sad thing is that there was a time where I couldn’t quite imagine such a thing, and hence, kept inviting the same scenarios, relationships and friendships into my life.
I don’t have the answers and I honestly do not know how it clicked for me. Maybe I simply got tired of feeling depressed and down for imaginary and stupid reasons. I was so busy whining about not having x, y, z that I blatantly missed the people who kept having my back and kept trying to encourage me, and also kept believing in me. They saw things in me I couldn’t and one day it suddenly all clicked. From that moment on life changed, and has never been the same again.
Maybe all I did was desperately focusing on the things I did have and ignoring the ones I didn’t. And now, over a year later, I find myself married to my soul-mate, the best husband one could ever ask for. And no, I am not claiming that Andrew is perfect, but I am saying that he makes me happy, because he loves me fiercely and sees that person in me, that others often missed. He makes me feel safe, wanted and loved and with him by my side I feel I can do anything!
My professional life is going great, and while I cannot share any details at this point, it seems that my biggest dream in that department is also coming true, again. I am fighting bad guys, I do what I love and I get paid well for it.
And lastly, there is the one that seemed the hardest out of all of them, my exterior. I spent many years focusing on my interior, and I don’t even want to go into why I did that.
I am still not a superficial person, but I do have a strong drive for being healthy right now. It is fair to say that I am getting into the best shape I have ever been in my life. I am eating healthy, I drink lots of water, I quit smoking, I work out very hard and I do cardio a minimum of 4 times a week, usually more like 5 or 6.
My energy is going through the roof, I have tons of stamina; where I would last a measly 5 minutes on the elliptical, I can now do 2o minutes and then run on the treadmill for another 15. My metabolism has sped up so much that I burn about 2100 calories on a day where I do no exercise. My arms and legs are starting to look leaner and longer and the fat is melting away. I haven’t achieved my full goal, but I am well on my way.
I am doing things these days that I NEVER thought possible. My mind has gotten powerful enough to overwrite whatever negative messages I have stored on that hard-drive of mine, also known as the brain. When I get tired of eating right, working out so hard, or holding steadfast to my values, this voice comes in and says “you are only sabotaging yourself. You CAN do this. “No” is not an option.” And with that comes this burst of energy that keeps me going, every day.
It isn’t just that my life is turning out to be the dream I always had, but it is also that I am attracting things and people that support this new model.
For me it has always been the worst when certain people would call me judgmental. I would sit there and ponder why I am so judgmental, never realizing that the same people would be in my face for being so weak and not discriminating in who I was dating or what friends I kept. I interpreted judging as such a bad thing that anyone was allowed to come in, take whatever they wanted, walk all over me and then leave, bad-mouthing me. I have helped plenty of people, because there were plenty of people out there who helped me out when I was down, and quite a few of them not only never thanked me, but turned on me. They were endless holes of neediness, drama, negativity and crap and no matter how much understanding, love or care anyone poured in, it never was enough.
I am proud to say that yes, I AM judgmental. Nope, I no longer want everybody and anybody in my life. I do not require 100 friends, I am good with the few ones I do have. No, I am not unkind and I would give you my last dollar, have you stay at my house if you lost your place, lend you my car, get you a job and help you whenever you are down without question, but no, I would no longer do it for everyone. I no longer care what people think, because I have learned that those I do want in my life, are not the ones who keep attacking me for being judgmental, too harsh, or having “unreasonable values.”
It is funny how violently people react once you are no longer willing to put up with their shit and once you call them on it. You make enemies that way, but thankfully, not too many, and definitely not people I’d care to keep around anyway.
I have started to write my second book. And yes, it is the “Managing the Delusional” book I have often talked about 
I am not perfect, but at least I am constantly trying to learn and become a better person. I had to learn the hard way that simply holding your cheek out to get smacked around over and over, is NOT the definition of being a good person and will not bring love and happiness into your life. I had to make a stand for myself to make that happen. It’s a bit wobbly, but it feels amazing.
What was my lesson I refused to learn for so many years? Oh yeah, I know now “How happy I am and how successful I am, is a direct result of what is in my mind, spirit and heart. Happiness and contentment exponentially increase when I am willing to stand for myself and others with truth, integrity and strength, when I eliminate fear and when I stop caring about what the wrong people think of me.”
So if anyone wants to point their finger at me again, they can. But I have a nagging suspicion that they will not be the ones who live their life to the fullest and are amazingly happy and content. And I have one example about that. The ones who were excited about me getting married and were happy were people who were in happy relationships or marriages. The ones who told me to wait longer, watch out and painted doomsday pictures, were the same ones who were single, or miserable.
So, I prefer to keep those who teach me with kindness how to become a better person and lead by example.
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12.09.09
Posted in Life, Things that make me happy at 7:36 pm by PsychicDonut
Yes, I have started the second month of getting in shape. I have lost about 8 lbs., I have more energy and I feel a strange sense of mental well-being, which at times almost feels like euphoria. My friend Jean told me that it’s the endorphins one releases when working out, as well as the added amount of oxygen that is sent through the system. I had no idea!
It has NOT gotten easier for me. Quite on the contrary. Every time I am thinking “ha, I am getting the hang of this,” my trainer ups the stakes. He keeps making things harder and he holds me to my word. Besides three times a week of training with him, I also have to do cardio three times a week, namely for 30 minutes each. ACK! I hate cardio (and as far as I know, so does the entire rest of the world) but the consequences are dire when I skip it. There is punishment now! On Monday skipping one day of last week’s cardio resulted in one-legged squats and other “strength training techniques” that literally had me gasp for air. I honestly thought I am going to faint. Meanwhile, Kenyatta, my trainer, stands there with his arms folded, watching me, grinning and telling me “can’t is not in our vocabulary! Keep going, or I’ll have you start over.”
It is quite amazing what strength and endurance I DO have! I had no idea I would last this long. Alas, the weight is coming off and my clothes are getting baggy. People started to notice as well, especially if they haven’t seen me in a while. I have gotten really good with the diet and have a pretty good understanding how many calories things have. Hence, I usually stay around 1,200 calories a day now, while burning a whopping 2,500 on the days I work out. This is when cardio really pays off!
Kenyatta pointed out to me that I could have lost more if I would have done my cardio more regularly. *sigh* Now I simply don’t skip it anymore. I have learned the trick. I HAVE to do cardio on the days when I work out with him, namely after. This is very difficult, because he works me hard, but on the other hand, it keeps my muscles from getting sore. The soreness after doing legs is less severe after I add cardio. Although, my glutes and hamstrings are in severe pain right now. Walking is not our friend and neither is climbing stairs.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done! It is harder than quitting smoking. I now curse that I have waited so long. Losing fat is definitely harder than gaining it, haha. Oddly enough I haven’t felt like quitting. Even though I know what awaits me, I am always really happy afterwards that I did it. When I look in the mirror and start noticing the difference I feel glad that I did. I can honestly say that getting a personal trainer was the best investment I have EVER made!
I am losing the weight, I am getting stronger, I have more energy, and my neck and back do not hurt as often anymore. Come to think of it, I haven’t had as many problems with pain, period. I sleep better and mentally I feel more alert, positive and rejuvenated. It feels a little as if I have been hibernating for the past 10 years and now I am waking up. Odd, but true.
Below I am including a picture I took 2 weeks ago. The face is getting thinner! I hope to soon show full “before” and “after” pictures!
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12.07.09
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy at 1:05 pm by PsychicDonut
I have used this phrase a lot within the past 12 years. I have also told people where I got it from, but what is always asked over and over is “how?” How do I change my mind, what do you mean?
When I say “change your mind” I truly mean re-wire your brain. The question is not so much how one does it, but how dedicated are you to doing it? So, while I cannot really give you step-by-step instructions, I can tell you how I am doing it. This starts with a basic introduction of who I am, so here it goes: Hi, I am Carmen and I am a doom addict!
For as long as I can remember my happiness meter has been broken. I grew up in a severely dysfunctional and abusive home. The first 20 years of my life were so miserable that I sometimes don’t even know how I survived them. Depression was my constant companion and when I was 17 I tried killing myself. My brain had been conditioned, from the time I was born, to feel sadness, fear, anxiety and hopelessness, to the point where I started to recognize these emotions as excitement. You know that feeling of absolute terror? When your heart is pounding and it feels as if you fell from a great height? Feels a bit like going down a roller coaster, doesn’t it? Well, I started to think that these emotions were excitement and therefore sought out situations and people who could provide these feelings. Mind you, none of this was a conscious choice.
Soon I started to recognize “good” people as boring. They didn’t give me the rush I needed, so I avoided them. In my men I chose losers, addicts, cheaters, uneducated school drop-outs, emotionally unavailable, aloof and detached individuals, who were eager to continue whatever crappy cycle they had learned from their parents. I became the perfect martyr, unintentionally. I had decided a long time ago that I was worthless, unlovable, ugly, useless and stupid and I chose people who would prove that to me over and over and over.
I did therapy for a few years and learned some tools. I started studying different religions and philosophies. But to this day, nothing stuck with me more than the philosophies I learned within the brief period of studying ceremonial magick and kabbalah. There was something that rang true within grasping that *I* was the one responsible for my emotions, thoughts, actions and words, not another being. There was something I started to “get” regarding being the master of my own universe.
Of course, I dropped out. I dropped out because I felt so inauthentic studying something “so great,” when here I was, with the worst man I had ever encountered in my life, a sociopath. For years after I couldn’t believe in anything that strongly anymore. But every time anyone would ask me about “god” I would get this burst of energy, this passion that would bring out, what I considered, absolute truth. To this day I know in my heart that there is total truth in the teachings of the kabbalah. To this day I do not doubt that there is a higher power.
Hence, I would continue to read about quantum physics, unexplained phenomena, brain chemistry, magick, meditation and anything that would give me even the smallest shred of a tool to change my broken mind. The more I read, the more I understood that I was creating my miserable life. I understood that there were times when I was not given a choice, namely when I was a child, but I also knew that my adult life had been self-created. This plunged me even deeper into denial and depression, all the while hearing this nagging voice deep down inside yelling at me “STOP IT!” I didn’t know how to stop. I was addicted, once again, to unhappiness. It was so much easier to create crap and shitty relationships than creating good ones. I had no clue how to create something I didn’t know how to recognize to begin with.
I started watching and observing those who had truly happy lives. No, I have never met anyone who didn’t have hardship in their life, but it was the way they would handle the hardships. Two people were most inspirational to me, my friend Carren and my friend Lena. Both had endured huge hardships but neither one of them had given up. And no matter what crap was dealt to them, they managed to emerge victorious; never turning mean, bitter, rude or cynical, never lashing out at others. They had a light about them that inspired me and it also inspired me to know that they loved me for who I was. My other best friend, Jean, had another gift altogether which also inspired me. Jean is probably one of the most optimistic people I know. She never spews negativity or pessimism, even when she is feeling sad, which doesn’t happen all that much! Jean is predominantly truly one “friggin’ ray of sunshine.”
Over the years I have met numerous other women who inspired me. Women with strong convictions, women who shared the same code of ethics and honor, women who simply wouldn’t give in to “woe is me.” Most importantly, women who would call me on my shit, but in a gentle and caring way. Women who were not self-righteous and didn’t insist on point out how wrong I was, always coming from a place of love that inspired me to start “changing my mind.”
Spending years and years watching others being happy, I simply had enough one day. It was that very day I met Andrew, but that is besides the point. The fact is that I simply thought “OK, you’ve tried it your way for years and it hasn’t worked. Let’s try it another way.” Changing my mind literally means that I have to consciously be aware of what I feel and think throughout the day, EVER DAY! It means that when I start focusing on something negative that I have to stop myself, and focus on something positive. It means that instead of whining about what I do not have, I focus always on what I do have. I make lists and realize, I have a LOT! I do no longer feel a hole in my life, or lack, I feel abundance and I create from that.
When I want to nitpick my relationship apart, I have to stop and think how we met, how Andrew truly treats me and why I love him so much. I have to stop and remember all the time who Andrew is, instead of comparing him to others, or worse, concluding that he probably is like others.
There is a strange satisfaction for me in going down the “dark path.” It feels comfortable, because I know what lies behind every corner of misery and unhappiness. It is also much easier to push anyone away than taking the risk of them hurting me, or worse, leaving me. I have to stop myself all day long. It is like working out, I have to make it a habit, until one day it becomes my new second nature.
Every time I write, I have to re-read what I have written and when I see negativity, unkindness, or anything that doesn’t serve, I have to erase it. I don’t always succeed, as I said, hard-wiring is hard to overwrite, but I am getting better, every day.
What is also very hard is to not get caught up in my past. Certain holidays trigger certain memories. The worst for me are my birthday (which has sucked the previous 5 years before I met Andrew), Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. As these times approach I start remembering the things that happened in previous years. I get angry, I get sad, I want to confront the people who caused the pain and then I have to stop myself, remembering that I cannot change the past and then think of a happy memory.
The hardest one for me is still forgiveness. There is still a part of me that is angry, not because I think that anyone did bad things to me on purpose, but because they had a choice to NOT do these things and didn’t care enough about me to stop themselves. I still feel that there isn’t closure with some people because they never bothered to even apologize, but tugged tail and ran, presenting themselves as “good” people, as a victim, and me the crazy one. They are still justifying why they did the stuff they did to me and there are still plenty of those who buy into it.
Accepting that these people never will own up to the pain they have caused me is hard, but then I have to remember that it is in the past. This doesn’t help some of the flashbacks, for example one of my exes hitting on other girls right in front of me, telling me to “shut the f*** up” when I confronted him, telling me I was paranoid and then ending up hooking up with the same chick after he dumped me. There are times when I remember how painful it was to realize that I was lied to, or simply not important enough and then I have to remember my husband and how he is nothing like that.
None of this is easy. My brain has been conditioned over decades to almost “enjoy” pain. It knows how to deal with pain better than with good things. But what I have found within the past month is that by stopping myself every time, by consciously changing the path I am going down to, I started feeling euphoria. This is not an exaggeration! I do feel euphoria when I think of the future. I can now enjoy spending time with Andrew, because I don’t have to brace myself for something horrible to happen. I CHOOSE to tell him good things, I CHOOSE to not complain, nag or worse, try to control. I remind myself all the time that my life is no longer chaos, so I do not have to be so controlling of myself or others anymore. I remind myself that it is OK to let go, that I no longer have to stay awake at night, that I no longer have to imagine bad things, worry, or feel bitter. I have to remind myself of what is normal and what is not.
This is extremely difficult for me. It is like forcing the square peg into a round hole, but slowly my mind starts changing. So now I understand what my therapist meant well over 10 years ago when he said to me “Life depends on only one thing, making a choice. Change your mind, Carmen.”
While I cannot tell you how it works, I can only tell you to surround yourself with positive people. People who inspire you, people you aspire to be! Read, educate yourself and be mindful! Above all, be mindful, and if you choose, you too, can change your mind. Beware of ego and of your “story” and beware of the trap of insisting on being right, especially when insisting on how shitty your life truly is. Remember that when you insist on that, you truly create it. As I said, above all, be mindful, always.
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12.01.09
Posted in Carmenisms, Life at 3:57 pm by PsychicDonut
Sometimes I really am scratching my head, wondering why I am the way I am. Certain groups of people have accused me in the past to sit on a high horse. Trust me, it was never my intention to come across that way. Quite on the contrary, sometimes I wished I could be more like everyone else. It would certainly make things easier.
For as long as I remember I have been at odds with what most people consider “normal.” What most people do not know about me is that I really tried very hard for the longest time to fit in. I had to give up when I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I simply could not, would not fit in with cliques and groups. I figured this out when I was still in my teens, and I became a loner. I kind of got used to it and after a while I even liked it. When most “cliques” would go out in groups, I’d show up by myself, happy that I could leave when I got bored. I would get bored rather quickly. I found that nothing really could hold my attention for all that long, and I also found that the things most people considered entertainment either disgusted me, bored me, or simply didn’t appeal to me.
It became my shtick over the past 20 years and thankfully, most of my friends stopped making fun of it, but I ended up the designated driver. When most people tried any drug they could get their hands on, I didn’t. When most people partied, getting wasted, I sat at home and wrote poetry. When people would accuse me of being a goody-two-shoes, not being able to have fun, boring, stuck up, etc. I would retrieve back into my shell, hurt that anyone would think that.
The truth is that I never did feel better as anyone else. The truth is, that to this day I don’t usually get drunk, but violently ill. The price for an hour of “loose fun” was too high. Hanging over the toilet bowl for a day, puking my guts out is no fun. It always actually felt as if I was allergic to alcohol. The other side of the coin was that any substance really scared the hell out of me. I always did feel like a kettle left to boil and I didn’t want to risk bringing out certain things in me that I didn’t like, that scared me or that simply held great potential for destruction.
My friends know what I endured growing up, I didn’t want to be out of control like my parents. I didn’t want to end up like them. The only way for me to feel safe was being in control of myself. To this day I get scared when I am around a bunch of drunks or druggies, simply because I know how unpreditable certain substances make people and I know that the potential to get hurt, at least in my head, is a huge threat. To this day the pungent stench of alcohol makes me want to run.
What sucked about this pseudo discipline is that it often isolated me. Even in relationships I was told on occasion that it wasn’t fun that I was always sober and “didn’t know how to have fun or loosen up.” This, in return, would put me on the defensive. I didn’t feel as if I had a stick up my ass, but for the party people that is exactly how I came across. Hence, after a while I simply started avoiding most people and especially cliques. I had my fair share of herd abuse and simply didn’t want to become part of that. There seemed to be a dynamic within groups that I never quite understood or got. For the same reason I never did team sports. For the same reason I hate crowds and won’t go to clubs, concerts or other large gatherings, unless I have to. It is not that I get panic attacks, I simply don’t feel comfortable with how the herds behave. It frightens me, but I guess I can see how some who don’t really know me would easily mistake that for arrogance.
I think my worst trait is the fact that I am very black and white. If I do drink, I don’t want just one drink, I want to get drunk, which makes me feel like crap. If I do eat, I want to have the full plate, and so on. I have always been an “all-or-nothing” kinda girl, but it still pains me to realize how wrong this is getting perceived at times.
Right now I am 40. For the first time in well over 10 years I have decided to get healthy and fit. I quit smoking, I do eat a well-balanced diet of about 1,000 to 1,300 calories a day and work out about 4 times a week. I don’t remember the last time I was this disciplined. And yet, here I sit at gatherings, watching everyone around me getting drunk and not giving a damn, looking at me as if I am crazy. It makes me sad that inadvertantly I am swimming up stream again. It isn’t something I consciously choose. It is just that when I do set my mind to something, I do it and I don’t really care if others are with me or not.
I must apologize to anyone who may have heard me from a place of arrogance. I do not feel that I am better, and I will not make excuses for reserving the right to be honest if you ask me to be. I do get annoyed with excuses for lame ass behaviors, not because I think I am better, but because I trust that others have the same ability to change what they don’t like about themselves as I do. I get defensive when things that are very hard for me to do get turned against me and misinterpreted as lecturing or being on a high horse.
I remember when I left Germany. My colleagues at the court gave me a good-bye card. It was a penguin, drifting all alone on a bed of ice, waving to the other penguins at the shore. Oddly enough, this is how I have felt for as long as I can remember. It isn’t a “woe is me” revelation, it just is. So, to those I have ever offended with my “rules,” I apologize. To those who call themselves my friends I have to say this. Sometimes I need encouragement and help too. Just because I don’t ask doesn’t mean I don’t need it. It is very hard for me to not just let myself go, loosen up, drink, smoke, try a few drugs, etc. but it is who I am and who I have always been. Maybe the reason that some accused me of being judgmental is the fact that it is so easy to judge me, because I just lay it all out there for everyone to see. I vomit my stupid thoughts and emotions all over the place and I don’t do it behind your back.
So right now, it IS hard to sit amongst you when you’re partying and thinking to myself “shit, this drink has 100 calories, that is a lot.” Give me the time to be in shape and have reached my goals, so all I have to do is maintain. But don’t kick my butt simply because I can’t fall off the wagon before I have truly gotten on it yet. Don’t give me grief because I won’t have an occasional cigarette, because that is the road that would lead me back to smoking. Don’t belittle me or give me crap because I am who I am. At least I never lied about it or made myself out to be something or someone that I am not. At least give me credit for being authentic. It feels a bit lonely swimming up stream at times and I AM proud for finally getting my butt off the couch and doing something about the things I don’t like.
And when I ask you about your experiences with drugs, I ask because I really am interested in finding out what drugs do, what people see, etc., knowing that I would never have the courage to try them myself. To a degree, it is like being blind and asking someone who sees to describe color. I am very well aware that I have missed out on a lot of fun in my life by forcing myself to be so straight laced. But I would choose my boring way of being any day again over the chaos I grew up in. It is the best I can do to not loose the sanity I had to fight for so very hard to begin with. Trust me on one thing, if I HAD chosen drugs and booze, I’d probably be in a psych ward today, rocking back and forth and talking to myself.
I simply try to give myself credit for not choosing the same route my dad did, for not becoming like my mother and for truly doing my utmost best to not continue the family cycle. I am not arrogant or stuck up, I am simply happy I survived and made it this far!
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11.24.09
Posted in Life at 5:33 pm by PsychicDonut
Since the last blog has created a storm of commentary, one is moving on to more positive thoughts 
And no, Rob, you are not a slime ball, you are, however, a Muppet. But you knew that.
I am now in week three of my new get fit routine. I haven’t noticed any weight loss yet, but my trainer told me that it takes about a month for the body to get used to the new work out and eating routine, and for it to actually change the metabolism. Of course, given the fact that I am 40 years old makes it also a bit harder, because that means that my metabolism naturally slowed down anyway.
I am still following my new eating habits. I actually manage to eat about 5 to 6 times a day, even though some of these meals consist of a banana, or a hard boiled egg. But because I don’t go for hours without food, I am generally not hungry and most of my cravings are also gone. My body is getting used to the new, much healthier stuff I am feeding it, so I predominantly crave fruit or vegetables.
BUT, last Sunday I really wanted a hamburger. Turns out, when I logged said burger that is has a whopping 680 calories. That is more than half of my daily food intake! To finish the crap food day off, I then had half a package of cookies, haha. Being the person that I am, I told my trainer yesterday. BAD IDEA! He told me that he now has to work me harder and he did. I found myself in the stink bug position. This is when one rolls on their back, sweating like a pig and whining “I can’t.” His answer “that was five. You owe me 15 more.” It is pretty amazing how I can pull the 15 more reps out of my poor, abused body. But somehow he just won’t let me slack off. I am usually quite amazed at how far he can push me. I would have NEVER thought that I can do such strenuous exercises without collapsing.
Besides the weights getting heavier, he also keeps upping the difficulty level. Where before I was “allowed” to do planks on the mat, I now have to move my feet onto a ball thingy, while he tells me to tighten my glutes and abs and hold it. Trust me, when you are shaking like a leaf and sweating like crazy, all you want to do is give up. But somehow I always make it through it.
Curls for one’s biceps used to be one of my favorite work out things, because I do have pretty good arm muscles. However, when he has me do curls, I have to balance on one leg doing them! You know squats? Easy, huh? Not so much! I have to do them in all directions, front and sideways (because the inside of your thighs are hard to train he says) and then do some more, leaning with my back against the wall, holding a ball in place. Oh yeah, because that is way too easy I then have to stay down and remain in the full squat position until he deems it ok for me to stand back up.
I have noticed that I have more energy and that I am wonderfully tired at night, falling asleep more easily than before and having less issues with insomnia. It also motivates me how proud Andrew is of me. And, while speaking of my husband, I do miss him a lot right now. He is now working up North in Santa Maria on Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. I will only see him on the weekend. Granted, I usually don’t come home before 9 pm anyway, but I miss him nevertheless.
As for my work out routine; my trainer has me come in on Thursday at 8 AM! Yes, you’ve read this right. On Thanksgiving morning I will train with him before I go and eat the mashed potatoes and turkey 
I tell ya, he is like some drill sergeant. But, when Andrew returns in three months I will be all fit and in shape
I love you, Knopf! Thanks for your love and for always making me your number one!
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11.17.09
Posted in Life at 3:43 pm by PsychicDonut
I don’t know if my friends in their 40s experienced the same thing, but somehow ever since I turned 40 my world is shifting. Slowly but steadily things are going the way I often envisioned them or wished them to go in the past. Maybe it has a lot to do with some of the decisions I’ve made, but who knows.
The past 3 months have been a wild ride. I am learning some painful lessons, or maybe I should say I am learning some lessons painfully. The biggest one of them is taking care of myself and doing what I do just for myself, not for anyone else. Well, I did quit smoking and signed up for personal training because I wanted to make my husband happy, too. But given the fact that he never once asked me to do either, and given how his attitude or behavior towards me hasn’t changed at all, I’d say I did these things predominantly for myself; namely when I realized that this is the only vessel I am getting in this lifetime.
Most of my life I have either tried to help others, babied them, took care of them or tried to fill some void within them. I honestly never learned how to be selfish. The concept is still foreign. But as of late, I am finding myself saying things like “it is important to me that I…” I am learning to let go of things I’ve held on for way too long and that one is still difficult. It comes naturally to me to want to fix people. The stupid thought “well, I truly DO know what is best for you,” is just as much part of my inner vocabulary as the phrase “what I want/need doesn’t matter anyway.” I have battled some pretty big demons this year and I am far from being perfect or “all good now.” I still hold tremendous grudges towards people who have used me, wronged me, hurt me, lied to me, let me down or abused me. I still find myself reacting to a certain situation based on what my past has conditioned me to do. BUT, I am getting better in trying it the other way, namely from this new place that is more about forgiveness and cutting myself some slack; the place that simply doesn’t want to hold on anymore.
Instead of beating myself up over neglecting myself for such a long time, I now kinda shake my head, sheepishly grin and say “Damn! Having an awesome body and being healthy would have made more sense in my 20s and 30s.” Alas, I can’t turn back time. Every time I find myself trying to lecture about something I feel strongly about, I literally take a deep breath and say “NO! This isn’t your job, it isn’t your responsibility and you cannot force your will upon another, even if you think it’s for their best.”
I still find myself looking around at times and taking stock of the past 10 years. I find that a lot of the people who didn’t grow with me, or didn’t “evolve” at all have simply been left by the wayside. I am not feeling sad about it, I am just puzzled at how these things work. I sometimes still find myself cringing when I hear stories about people I once knew, but then it kind of subsides and I find myself indifferent sometimes. Indifference is another new way of being. And while I always hated people who are indifferent, I find there is a difference if one just feels that way about stuff that truly doesn’t matter.
I guess one could say that I am learning what matters to me the most. Maybe it has nothing to do with turning 40. Maybe it has everything to do with being surrounded by love and being for the first time number one in someone’s life, always! It is empowering to me and makes me want to succeed even harder. It allows me to let go of some things and teaches me to trust a little more with each passing day.
Maybe this is how it feels when one is REALLY growing up?! But as of now I think I will have that life that I can look back upon when I am 80 or so and say “wow, what an awesome ride.” Trusting, trusting I must.
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