How often do we go on about how much we regret certain choices that we have made in the past? It’s a rather silly activity to engage in, since none of us can go back in time to change the things we are going on about.

What if I could go back in time? Would I change anything? And if so, what?? I have been pondering this question and even though some experiences really kicked my butt spiritually, emotionally and psychologically, I am still not sure I would change them. Who knows if I would be the same person if I hadn’t had the bad experiences? Who knows who I would be? Would I be as grateful? Would I work so hard to “improve” myself and strive for balance?

There are numerous situations I can look back upon, which will provide me with enough guilt to last a lifetime…if I let it! There are so many things I would have done differently, situations where I would have done the opposite, I would possibly have changed my reactions, changed my attachment, my views, my behaviors and on and on the list goes. But the fact remains, I didn’t! I can’t go back and change it and I wonder how I would have turned out if I would have done the “right” thing. Would I have learned the same valuable lessons?

The past just is and while my feelings may be valid, they are not necessarily factual, nor do they give me the right to act out. Just because a person/situation triggers me, does not mean they are actually responsible for my triggers. I, and only I, own my triggers and how I react to them. I do not get to act out on any of my feelings ever again! This is the lesson I wished I would have learned 15 years ago. But then again, would I be where I am at now?

There is a whole new thought process going on in my head now. I sheepishly and also somewhat shamefully look back upon some of my “reactions” to how I felt and shake my head. Sighing and hanging my head in shame, I admit that I brought on so many of the strange, bizarre, bad and painful situations I experienced. I often escalated the “bad,” because I would not walk away, wouldn’t let it go, but would act out on my feelings. I would stomp my foot like a 3 year old (in my head that is), and proclaim to myself that I would never, ever be silenced again and believed that “sharing EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT (good, bad and indifferent), meant that I was honest. All the things I considered “bad” that had been done to me, I fought by doing the exact opposite. Guess how my world looked like? Black and white, entirely missing gray or any other colors for that matter.

As I am learning boundaries and to walk the path in the middle, the gray one that is, I also look back and think “What’s done is done!” I no longer feel the need to obsess over it or beat myself up some more over the things I “should have done and said.” Would I change it? Would I change a single thing? I am not sure I would. I can only say that there once was a time where I would have jumped at such an opportunity without hesitation. Where I would have said “HELL YES! Let me go back and change all kinds of things!” Now I think I would have to think long and hard about it.

I am starting to see how balance looks like. But would I have recognized the need and want for that if I wouldn’t have existed almost entirely in extremes my whole life? I’ve lost a lot of people throughout my life, quite a few due to my words and actions. Some I miss and some I don’t. But the point is there are still quite a few standing. Maybe because they always knew that I had it in me to truly share intimacy. Recently I learned the  true meaning of intimacy! Intimacy is sharing without judgment. Turns out, the one thing I wanted the most in life, was the one thing I absolutely couldn’t do myself. But, no need to cry over spilt milk. After all, one does have full control over the now and future actions. And better to get it right later than never at all

We sure have a lot of problems in this country. Two thirds of our population are overweight and obese, 14% of Americans are illiterate, including 20% of all high school graduates, and while I could go on and on with statistics, I just want to add one more, which is probably one of the worst, the BP oil spill. Why I am adding this one will become apparent in a minute.

We rant and rave about behaviors. And once it’s too late, that is when we are all up in arms about the state of the nation and the horrors of the world. But let’s just state the obvious. The “better” life in this country is not always available for everyone!

I sure as hell don’t like eating “crappy” food. Hence, when I eat beef, I try to always go for grass fed. When I buy fruits and veggies, I try to get them organic, because I just don’t want to deal with the pesticides. Dairy products I also only buy organic, because I don’t want to consume hormones in my milk. Instead of processed and “white” food items I try to eat whole grain or sprouted grain. Yes, I feel healthier and yes, I really think that this stuff is better for you and yes, my grocery bill has more than doubled!

I am lucky, because I am actually able to shop at Whole Foods, but a family of 4 or 5 probably won’t be able to afford it. Of course, one can go to Trader Joe’s but their selection is usually rather limited. So often it boils down to either eating healthy and paying more than double on some items, or eating junk, which comes cheap and is affordable for everyone.

People are screaming about the oil spill. “Let’s all boycott BP!” Yes, let’s! It won’t do a damn thing! Why? Because at least half of the population is still driving SUVs. The American Dream still includes a great car and great cars are built with shitty gas mileage. Geez, I am guilty as charged too! I am driving a V6 and feel incredibly guilty about it. Of course, this didn’t really cross my mind while I was blinded by the shiny object at the car dealer’s lot! Like all the other suckers, I drove off “looking cool” and justifying my move by stating “well, it does get almost 29 mpg on the fwy.” Which means, NEVER! In LA you will NEVER get this gas mileage! My average mpg is 20!

Of course, I am well aware of how crappy the state of environment is. Hence, I started doing a little research. The sad thing is that most environmentally friendly cars just look like crap! Let’s face it, there is just nothing pretty about a Prius for me. I don’t like Easter egg shaped cars. If I could, I’d be driving a Camaro. Alas, this would be a total ass hat move, since I really do want to contribute to a cleaner environment.
And then there is the holy grail of electric cars, the Tesla Roadster! Yes, for $112,000 you, too, can be environmentally friendly AND drive an awesome looking vehicle. The problem is, I don’t have $112,000! Well, I could lease one…for the bargain price of $1,700 a month! Not so much!

So what is it with our country? If you want to live “cleaner” it will usually cost you a bundle and it’s often simply not attainable for those who do not make 6 figures. What company would come up with an awesome concept, like the Tesla and yet charge you 6 figures for it? How many people will actually profit from this design?!

Thank god, Nissan is coming out with the Leaf, a 100% electric car, with a charger station that can be installed in your own garage! Small side effect, the car isn’t that attractive looking, has a fuel range of only about 200 miles (so ixnay on taking it on a road trip) and comes in only one color. BUT…I am more than willing to swallow my pride, if it means I am actively doing something to help our environment.

My point is that it is easy to judge people who are overweight/obese, addicted to tobacco, alcohol and consumerism, when this is exactly what this country is built upon. As Americans we are the ultimate consumers. We have never been truly faced with consequences, because we live in the land of the free. We wait until we hit the crisis, then we throw our arms up in the air, yell bloody murder and point fingers.

I hate to say it, it’s not the fast food restaurants, the corn farmers and the oil companies alone who are to blame. It is largely about the fact that we don’t fight hard enough for the things we should be fighting for, namely our planet. Maybe the guys in charge should provide better incentives for green companies. Maybe they should give incentives to car companies who built environmentally friendly vehicles. Maybe the crappy stuff shouldn’t be available for so much less than the good stuff. Maybe living healthy should be more affordable for the average person and maybe we should invest more in our public transportation systems, versus bailing out the car companies! Maybe there should be something done about the fact that our food and everything else one can afford is the equivalent to “made in China.” Cheap stuff, without any nutritional or qualitative value. We are truly the “throw away” society, and if you want quality, you’ll pay a fortune. Which is why companies like Wal-Mart are making billions of dollars!

In my opinion, it is easy to scream once the damage is done. It is much harder to take a look in the mirror at oneself and then start contributing in whatever little way one can, even if that means one has to push past one’s comfort zone. The changes for a healthier planet and population start with even the smallest changes coming from each and every one of us.

We are the consumers, as long as we scream for shitty foods, cheap junk, huge cars and instant gratification, companies will keep on producing them. You want to cause change? Well, it won’t happen if you boycott BP, or sneer at fast food junkies! Yes, my grocery bill is outrageous, but if I can afford it, I will support the organic farmers. Yes, I will drag my butt over to the local farmer’s market and buy their stuff, even though it isn’t as convenient as going to one of the supermarkets in the neighborhood. Yes, I will pay off my V6 and then never buy another gas guzzler again. Hopefully in another two years the technology has advanced and electric cars or hybrids are made that look more attractive and have a wider operating range. And if not, well, in that case I’ll just have to drive myself around in a car that may not look that hot, but at least my conscience is going to be clear and I won’t be feeling like such a hypocrite.

When we try to interfere with another’s path by offering help that is not wanted, by advising, trying to rescue, keep extending ourselves and judging, we will never have an impact. All we will do is turn resentful, as they will turn resentful towards us. We won’t be effective, and we won’t ever be able to spread our light. We will be told that we are judgmental, harsh, controlling or unreasonable and the mission we set out to do, no matter how noble the intent, will fail.

We spread our light by loving unconditionally. Sometimes this means we have to love silently and release. We do not hold on, we let go of all attachment towards another’s behavior towards us or them. We also let go of any attachment we have to ourselves. We know our path, but we are not attached to it.

We state our boundaries. Loving unconditionally does not mean we turn into doormats. We reserve the right to decline, to say “no, thank you,” then smile and walk away. We reserve the right to part ways or not invite into our lives, but we do so with kindness and compassion. We understand that others are not like us and that is OK.

We do not hold on to another’s pain. We are empaths, but we practice the silent loving and releasing. We do not hold resentment, negativity, disappointment, anger, sadness and despair, because we do not observe from judgment. We do not walk into another’s life, room or situation, quickly evaluating what is wrong and then focusing on that. We do not seek that which is wrong, or does not serve our highest purpose. We do not stick our noses into another’s business, which does not equal to being passive and indifferent.

We understand that by stating our disappointment, anger, sadness and grievances, we create more of the same, for the subconscious does not discriminate. So if I state “my friend betrayed me,” the subconscious only heard “betrayed” and will create more situations of betrayal. We do not feed our subconscious with self-destructive messages.

We shine a light; a beacon if you will that shines so bright that only those with an equally bright light are attracted. We no longer attract those who walk in the shadows, because we no longer grant permission or create a pathway for them to enter our lives. We teach from joy, instead of teaching from being a martyr, because we no longer have an attachment to teaching. We teach by being us and by example of our own lives and paths. And we start noticing how everything around becomes more peaceful, more quiet and less painful. We watch the drama, the noise and the entire struggle subside and we find ourselves leading extraordinary lives, being human and yet being divine. 

Let’s start  by debunking a common misconception. Being smart, successful and strong in one’s career, does not mean one is equally as strong in one’s personal life. The heart is an intricate thing and the ways of the heart are not easily explained. I will not speak for other women, but I finally figured out why I would be so strong and successful in one area, and fail so miserably in another.

The two are not equal to me, because one is about survival, while the other is not. Having been on my own since I was 17 meant I always had to have a job. It meant that I had to take care of myself, because there was no one else to fall back on if I couldn’t make the rent. In business it was easy for me to fall back on logic and doing what I had to do. I knew that screwing up was not an option, because that meant going under.

My personal life is a different story. Being an empath with a severe inferiority complex and a desperate need to rescue and fix broken souls created a monster. Because I had (and to a degree still have) an almost crazy sense of loyalty, and had been dumped or abandoned, I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to do what others had done to me. I had made a decision to set the wrongs right and that meant that you just don’t walk out on people, even if they are disloyal, crazy or unable to give or receive love .
In business this proved to be a strength! Being set on doing the right thing and helping people brought out strong management skills. This was recognized and so I kept getting promoted. Just think about the teams I ended up managing! All projects that required ”policing” and where I had to ensure that the bad guys wouldn’t make it online, wouldn’t steal identities, abuse the system, commit crimes, etc., came to me.

I will always be a person who gives the benefit of the doubt, in business and personal life. But, I have learned to follow my instincts and I stopped making excuses for other people’s bad behaviors. I know now that I cannot rescue or safe anyone who doesn’t want to be and I had to learn that it isn’t my job to begin with! 

There are a bunch of women out there, doctors, lawyers, business leaders, etc., who are smart, educated, and successful and are involved with weak or abusive men. What proves to be a weakness in one’s professional life can be one of the biggest weaknesses one the personal side. Some of us are incredibly successful and intelligent and we still feel worthless or not enough. Some of us have a very strong desire to help others (think of a doctor), or to put others ahead of themselves and end up giving to the wrong people at the wrong times, because fixing is something they “naturally” do.

I have been scolded, ridiculed and attacked many times for being “so naive” and for giving too many chances. But the interesting thing is that I wouldn’t change that part of me. I am glad that I have a big heart, even though it has gotten trampled on before. I am happy that my heart never hardened, that bitterness didn’t get the better of me or that I became a self-serving, cynical or angry being. Sometimes life and people can get me down, but then I remember the lesson. The lesson was that almost everyone deserves a second chance and it is ok to try to help. It just isn’t ok to ignore your gut, to sacrifice your own happiness or self-worth in the process. This is where the lesson to love myself comes around full circle.

There is a saying that is a bit cynical but demonstrates the point “God helps those who help themselves.” I had to learn that you can’t change people. All you can do is help those who are ready to be helped and want the help. The rest needs to find their own path, namely without me by their side.

Personally, I love self-help books. I am committed to my own well-being. Hence, self-help books tend to work well for me. I can take most advice, regardless of shape or form and put it into action, provided the source knows what they are talking about. It doesn’t matter if the insight is coming from a conventional therapist, a hypnotherapist, a book, a workshop, a course, a TV show or a friend, I’ll generally put it to good use.

Self-help books won’t work for most of the population though. Why? Because a lot of these books are using common sense approaches that you and I could have, and probably did, come up with on our own. I remember reading “He’s Not that Into You,” and felt rather stupid after finishing, thinking  “well, there we have it. If he doesn’t call you, he truly isn’t into you (which is what my gut already knew), and not in the hospital after some horrid accident (which is what I wanted to believe, because rejection just sucks).”  Most of the time, when reading a self-help book I would think to myself  that I, or anyone else for that matter, could have written the same thing. But, common sense does not work for the vast majority of the population! If that would be the case, they’d already have the friendships, jobs, relationships, bodies and lives they are trying to learn about in said book.

The latest one people are talking about is a book called “He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing)” by relationship expert Andrea Syrtash. First of all, there are sure as hell a lot of “experts” out there these days! It seems to be the easiest title to obtain and requires absolutely no degree or certification at all. I think I am a “Muppet Expert” I just don’t see how that will sell books for me. Anyway, so here is another expert with another book that makes me go “DUH!” Really? We didn’t know that being too picky and having unrealistic expectations won’t find us our soul-mates? We didn’t know that limiting our “types” to less than 1% of the population will keep us single? Wow, who would have thought!? Bzzz…thanks for playing!

The problem with these books is that they do not work for the average Joe Schmoe. A person who keeps finding themselves on the same bad, self-deprecating, self-destructive path over and over will need a lot more than a book. No book in the world will help them get it, because they are lacking the tools and self-awareness to recognize their patterns, and realize that their suffering and misery is a mere result of their own hard-wiring, created by years and years of the same thoughts and actions. So telling them the obvious, no matter how well one sugar coats it, won’t do a damn thing. It will usually push them into an even more defensive stand on “why it isn’t their fault that there is no one out there who meets their standards and that settling is not an option.” Come on! These type of people don’t even think they need therapy, so the expert believes they will definitely read THEIR advice and go “Yes! I finally found out why my life sucks! Thank you, Mr./Ms. Expert!”

These  books have usually the same effect as a diet book has on a morbidly obese person. Yes, it’ll do a lot of good to tell them that overeating and bad diet can lead to diabetes, heart problems and cancer. Or tell a smoker the current statistics on lung cancer, better yet, show them pictures of people who are dying of lung cancer! Think it’ll stop them or make them quit? Not so much!

We all know, to a degree, why and where we are failing in our own lives, but that doesn’t mean we have the actual  tools or ability to change it. Even the true experts, i.e. doctors, licensed therapists, etc., will have no effect on a person who is not willing to change or hasn’t reached rock bottom yet. In my opinion, more than half of the population is in dire need of some serious therapy, like conventional therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, hypnotherapy, life coach, spiritual coach, psychic, whatever works, but a book will just be another failed attempt to help those who can’t help themselves. The sad truth is that even the most inspiring book cannot change neuropathways and hard-wiring of an individual, no that can only be achieved by actual work on oneself. And so, sadly I must say a book that is telling people to date outside their comfort zone gets a “Fail” stamp from me. 

Lately the news report a lot about the douche bags of the world, Tiger Woods, Jesse James and our latest addition, David Boreanaz. Then we hear more rants about how men can’t be trusted, think with their penises, are all cheaters and so on. Actually, the latest studies show that women are just as likely to cheat, but they do a much better job in covering it up and lying! And, we also have to remember who these guys cheated with! ‘Cause I am not necessarily buying that these “poor girls were duped.” I think that most of them knew perfectly well what they were doing and simply didn’t have a problem sleeping with a married man, just as they didn’t have a problem trying to make money of their affairs or even trying to blackmail the guys they slept with. When it comes to getting the person they want, women are much more cunning than men.

Women have a much bigger arsenal and therefore do more damage. We tend to be rather intuitive, we sense how others feel and we tend to have people confide in and open up to us. So, when a woman decides to go over to the dark side, it is bad times! A woman will hit below the belt line and use anything and everything to hurt. They tend to be much more deliberate in their delivery and more behind the back. Where guys get in brawls, we go public and write nasty things for all to see on public forums. We are passive aggressive and we often don’t confront people at all. Where guys bust in noses, we bust reputations.

We usually do learn from our mothers. I watched mine, who wasn’t a bad person, but manipulative and severely broken, and I decided early on that I never wanted to be like that. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my fair share of psychotic episodes, and have behaved in ways that could definitely compete with the best nutjobs out there, but overall I did my best to avoid giving into certain behaviors. It helps having friends who’ll call you on your crap! I also think in order to call someone “evil,” or crazy, a certain behavior has to be a habit, i.e. done continuously. Having behaved like a douche bag in the past on rare occasion doesn’t qualify for the label (sorry, my humble opinion) 

What make us women often rather lethal is our inability/unwillingness to forgive and move on. When bad things happen to us, we are usually more able to articulate our emotions and therefore we are perfect in making excuses and justifying even our most despicable behaviors. Men bottle their stuff up, while we spew it out there into the world. Maybe we play the victim better, so when we tell our sob stories, others tend to buy into it. Support of one’s bad behaviors leads to more of the same and I know many who are quite skilled in getting continuous buy-in from those, who are more than willing to agree on how bad they have had it/have it still. If you take a look at the high school cliques of the mean girls this point is perfectly well illustrated. Human beings usually choose friends who are a lot or just like them.

Did you know that it is predominantly women who screw up children? Yep, you’ve heard that right. This is due to the fact that mothers actually play a larger role in the family than fathers. When things go sour, men tend to disassociate and check out. They tend to disappear, or avoid. Women cling, hold on to, manipulate, control and don’t let go. If I take a look at my own family here, I can safely say that my mother did more damage in certain areas, because she was around much longer and more often. Women tend to project, so they are more likely to attempt to live their life through their children. My mom must have told me about a gazillion times that she had much higher hopes for me and only “meant well.” Her meaning well was shoved down my throat for as long as she lived, along with the reminders of what she had sacrificed for us and how ungrateful we were for not acknowledging her suffering and sacrifices. Taking a look at the men I have dated in the past, most of them had been screwed up by neurotic, manipulative and overbearing mothers and only one had been damaged by a very demanding father who was never satisfied.

But not all is lost and we do have advantages over men. We do tend to be more willing to work on ourselves. Hence, predominantly females end up in therapy or in some kind of self-help class. We generally can admit much easier than a man when we need help, and we are not too proud to get it. Plus, we are often more open minded and willing to try out unconventional methods of getting where we want to be, i.e. trying hypnotherapy or consulting the tarot. Sometimes our compassion can be our biggest asset, namely when we realize that what we are doing is mean, spiteful or crazy. We are more likely to get fed up earlier with our craziness, and it tends to be women who break the cycles in crazy families, much more so than men.

I think when we take a look at the latest douche bags in the public eye, we should remember that they didn’t commit the douchery on their own, but had some willing participants. And  checking out Jesse James’ fling, Michelle McGee, I am probably in the company of many when I say “Yeah, that chick is an equally large douche bag.” Let’s just remember that the bad apples reside in both genders!

I always liked people to be straight with me and I have done my best to be just as straight forward in return. I haven’t always done the best job in being diplomatic or kind in my delivery, even to this day. Balance is difficult and my largest lesson to learn. But watching those I admire, male and female, has taught me a great deal about the person I am, the person I was and the one I aspire to be. Not wanting to disappoint those who have loved and supported me inspired me like nothing else.

Last weekend I walked the Revlon Cancer Walk for all women’s cancers. This was huge for me. I dislike crowds with a passion and therefore don’t care for large events of any kind. The night before the walk, my husband Andrew decided to join me and my team in the walk. When I asked him why, he told me that he wanted to support me and that he is incredibly proud of me. To me this was the sweetest thing in the world, given that Andrew doesn’t do getting up early and also hates crowds. 

I still remember the day in March last year, when I woke up with an incredible sense of euphoria. It had dawned on me this very morning how loved I was. I never had large crowds and cliques around me, but the handful of people who love me do so with all their heart. It was in this very moment that I decided that I did not need to be sad about being single anymore, because I had so much love already around me. It was in this moment that I started loving myself, for how could these amazing people love me, if I was as worthless and unlovable as I thought I was. Three days later I met Andrew, and now my “love bag” is full.

Throughout my life I fought some pretty harsh battles. Some were brought on by me, others were brought on by others, but the constant theme of swimming upstream and fighting my way through life was pretty consistent for as long as I can remember back. Most of the time I didn’t really have people who fought my battles or fought for me. I didn’t realize how sad and disappointed I was about that and how bitter in certain aspects that had made me. Therefore I took it upon myself to fight battles for others. It became my way of being way back in school. I got used to the fact that people will neither really speak up for me, nor protect me.

Trust is difficult for me, because I still foremost assume that people will neither be loyal, nor trustworthy. But then I look at my “circle of love,” and realize that this is not true. Andrew is by no means perfect, but he loves me with all his heart and he is fiercely loyal to me. Andrew is a man who doesn’t talk a whole lot (maybe that’s why we work so well  ) but when he chooses to open his mouth, he does so with purpose and perfect articulation.
My friend Jean is one of the least confrontational people I know, but she has no problem speaking up for me if she has to, or telling me off if need be.
My friend Carren has a way to be incredibly straight forward, while being one of the kindest people in the world.
And then there is Lena, my fiery Aries girl, who’ll roll straight into battle with me without as much as flinching. Her Middle Eastern temper paired with my German temper make us the perfect pair.

There are quite a few other friends and people who care about me, but these four people are my pillars. They love me unconditionally and because of that see my intent versus my delivery. They value my views and opinions, as I value theirs. It is this kind of love, dedication and truth that has made me the person that I am. To be loved by people who are special and extraordinary makes me strive to be extraordinary and brings out the best in me. I feel I have to be my best, so I continuously earn such perfect love and trust.

They say love can move mountains. Well, I find love transmutates, changes and alters everything and everyone, even stubborn, rigid and slightly bitter Virgos. I have the deepest gratitude  for all my friends who stuck with me, even though I AM such a complicated person. Love is healing the broken pieces and is delivering the peace of mind and heart I always wished for. 

There are so many self-help books on the market, so many articles on how to attract your soul-mate, tons of advice on what to say and what not to say, all neatly beating around the bush and afraid to crush an already crushed ego. I feel they are all doing it wrong! Why? Because ego shows in many forms, and it’s not necessarily all about being full of yourself. Being a victim, a martyr, masochist and whiner is another form of ego. It’s just the one most don’t want to talk about.

There are times when we are in a shitty spot in our life and sometimes these times can actually last a while. But, if year after year, you find yourself alone, if you keep getting rejected for the same reasons, chances are, it isn’t them, it is, in fact, you. If you keep finding yourself lonely, if you are short on real friends, if you have to scramble to find people who want to continuously spend time and space with you, yep, you’ve guessed it, it’s you. If all of these triggers have been true for at least half of your adult life, or 6+ years, it’s time to point the finger at yourself, instead of blaming everyone else.

I am not trying to be cruel, I just feel I must at least try to point out the obvious. Everyone screams they want to hear the truth, but then they are equally quick in defining what truth is to them and how the truth must be presented. Bzzz…Thanks for playing!

You want to know how to attract “the love of your life?” Try taking a long hard look at yourself, instead of blaming others. Here are the things that are totally and utterly unattractive to both genders. Displaying/acting upon/being this way will definitely reserve you a permanent place in Reject- and Lonelyville, being left without a whole lot of friends and definitely not with your soul-mate.

1. The Martyr and Victim
You know the type that enters a room as if they have been beaten over the head consistently (shoulders slumped, head down, eyes fixated on the floor). They carry an imaginary cross on their shoulders and usually shine by sitting in a corner somewhere moping, hardly speaking to anyone. When approached by an attractive member of the opposite sex, they tend to go into rants about why they are single, how hard it is to find the right person, how their standards are really not unreasonable, blah, blah and blah.
How do you recognize this type, besides the obvious words and body language? Healthy people of both genders will run rather quickly the other way, while the unhealthy ones will try to fix them, in which case they’ll be single soon enough again, for reason number 2.

2. Kick me
This is the type who goes on and on about not being able to find a single “nice” woman or man. This is because they usually reject nice women or men. Kick mes are usually attracted to people who make them feel worse about themselves, because they tend to mistake feeling shitty with fearful adrenaline rushes and excitement. Their already low self-esteem can generally only be elevated by someone who ignores them some more, which is the only way you get this type interested. The worse you treat them or the more you ignore/reject them, the more they’ll be into you. If you are a player, sociopath, jerk, cold-hearted bastard or user, you are usually pretty good in spotting and landing the “kick me” type.

3. But…(the kings and queens of excuses)
No matter what you will point out to them, they know it better. They have a ton of excuses for not doing the right thing, not taking care of themselves, not going to therapy, not working out, eating right, kicking that habit, etc. There is always a “but,” and no rhyme or reason ever wins here. After a while no one is really interested in telling them anything true or worthwhile anymore, and again, Mr./Mrs. But remains left alone in the dust. (Except when they attract another “but” person. Good times having those two together)

4. Shallow Hal/Holly
These are the ones who whine about not finding “the one,” because there are simply not enough men and women out there who are in their preferred looks, income, age and “type” group. They can only date “their type.” Their values are based on superficial exterior traits, which they then stubbornly defend by saying “it’s not my fault I am not attracted to/don’t have chemistry with my non-type.”

5. The Downer
The glass is always half empty for them. They shine with absolutes like always, never, everyone and no one. They have been wronged, cheated on, dumped and neglected and never got over it. They create their future from their past and cannot even imagine ever being happy, which attracts more of the same. They have a cloud over their head, which may have initially been put there by another and is now solely left alive by only them. They tend to drain the living hell out of most people and hence, remain alone.

The truth is that those who keep finding themselves rejected are probably exhibiting some, if not all of the traits mentioned above.

Happiness and love is something that we create. There isn’t a lottery out there that dishes out “happy” to some and the “ass card” to another. There is a HUGE difference  about taking a cold, hard look at yourself, getting yourself into gear/fixing yourself, adjusting your expectations and settling. Somehow, the guys mentioned here stubbornly insist that letting go of their crap is a form of settling. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Chemistry is really important! But chemistry is exactly that, a chemical reaction! And that is not necessarily based on your inflated sense of ego. If you have no self-esteem and love for yourself, of course, you will need someone else who’ll make you look good. That is NOT chemistry! Chemistry doesn’t necessarily have rhyme or reason (just ask those who ended up with people they didn’t see coming!). I, for one, never liked facial hair and am married to a guy with a beard. I happen to think he is the hottest man alive!
Standards are really important! Raising the bar when it comes to your choices in a potential life-mate is something quite a few people should do. However, there is a huge difference in raising one’s standards and raising one’s expectations! Standards are about true, lasting values as they pertain to YOU! This may mean for some a certain level of education, being accomplished at a certain age, having strong character, having integrity, being monogamous, etc. Wearing sneakers is NOT a value or deal breaker for a relationship!

Life is all about choices. Finding happiness and true love is a choice and it starts with you. An empty, hollow soul who doesn’t have an ounce of self-respect and self-love has nothing to offer to a successful, true and loving person. We all attract mirror images of ourselves, as well as exactly what we think we deserve. If, deep down, we feel that we have nothing to offer and are worthless, we will attract people who have nothing to offer and are worthless. If we focus on shallow traits to make up for our own short-comings, we will find others who are equally as shallow to us. Think of the guy who left his wife for a young chick in her 20s, and later on got dumped by her because she was bored with him.

The jig is up! People can spot low self-esteem and broken souls from a mile away. The healthy people will actually stay clear of you, which leaves you with the unhealthy and crazy ones. Take a good look around at your social network, your friends and your past relationships. If you think that your unhappiness is caused by others, think again. 
Why would I know this with such certainty? Because I have been ALL of the above at some point or another in my life! Pulling my head out of my butt and finally learning to love and respect myself brought me all the things I used to whine about not having. When one points the finger at another, three fingers point back at you!

I didn’t coin this phrase and don’t know who did, but a friend of mine, who is a Reiki Master, uses it. I have met many wounded healers in my lifetime and I have been a wounded healer myself for numerous years.

Wounded healers are those who always appear to have the answers. We know how to heal others, we give the greatest advice, we inspire and help, but we don’t do it for ourselves. We have endless compassion, patience and love for broken souls, but we do not extend the same love, compassion and kindness to ourselves. We forgive the ones who have used and hurt us, but we don’t forgive ourselves. We have an uncanny eye for another’s downfall and do nothing to stop our own. We coach, we love, we inspire, we instruct and find ourselves stuck in the wrong situations with the wrong people time and time again. Such as is the path of the wounded healer.

The greatest ability  goes only so far and actually becomes ineffective, if you cannot learn to love and help yourself. If you cannot love and honor yourself, your “gifts” will lose their power. And before long, you’ll appear like a hypocrite. Wandering about being the relationship fixer for others seemed ridiculous after a while, when I was dating an abuser, or cheater, or selfish guy, taking it to the chin and looking the other way. Telling someone about the importance of balance between mind, body, heart and spirit, while I was smoking a cigarette and letting my body go to hell, didn’t really fall on open ears either. Trying to raise self-awareness in individuals, as I found myself unable to follow my own advice, didn’t inspire a soul, at least not for long.

I had to heal my wounds before I could be of any use to anyone else. As I learned to focus and set out on the path to take care of myself, as I learned to let go of my attachment to others around me, an interesting thing started happening. Suddenly, as I withdrew and started sharing instead of preaching, I started to inspire people. I was heard differently, because I was leading by example and simply sharing my findings, versus trying to change another. My tone was calmer, less combative and accusing. I didn’t need to rant anymore. Before, when I would go off on a topic, I would usually piss people off, because how were they supposed to know that I was really spewing self-loathing? My disgust that I openly voiced about others, was often disgust about myself. I kept trying to set the wrong things right and didn’t realize that this quest would have to start with me.

This path I started on a mere year and a half ago finally brought me the peace of mind I so desperately wanted. I have more tolerance and love these days, because I am not constantly angry anymore at my inability to live the life I want. I am more understanding and accepting, I don’t need to change anyone’s mind, because I have everything and everyone I need right here by my side. I have more love in my life than I ever had. I have abundance and health, beauty, laughter and joy and when I “engage in battle” I do so out of conviction, not because I want to change the individual. I get involved much less these days and I choose my battles wisely. More so than ever, it truly is all about quality and not about quantity. Quite a few people dropped out of my life and yet, I am not lonely or bored. Some of them I miss, but not for the people they are or were to me, but for the people I saw in them or wanted them to be.

Not all my pieces are whole just yet, but I am no longer a wounded healer either. I am finally learning boundaries and I am learning that it is ok to walk away from situations or people who are not aiding my growth or well-being. Saying “no” is still a bit difficult, and there are times when I still get so angry or feel sad over past events. But then I take a deep breath, tell myself that I have a choice in how I feel, or I work out. And by the time my work out is over, I am so high on endorphins, I usually can’t even remember what I was so angry or sad about.