So far this year has been amazing. My health is excellent, my body is shaping up really nice, the fat is falling off of me, my arms and legs are starting to look leaner and longer, and apparently people in Santa Maria all seem to think I am either a rock-star or actress, haha. Walking into any kind of store, or walking through the mall always turns heads. Then I get compliments on my hair and my boots, followed with the question if I am an actress or in a band. It cracks me up, because I don’t look that freaky and my tattoos are covered anyways. I think I should have changed my name to “Carma Phantasmagorica” when I became a citizen!
Anyway, this morning I was cleaning Andrew’s room and doing his laundry (because the maids only come once a week) and I thought about how happy I am. The main reason for that is my loss of fear. Fear has run my life for so long that it still feels a bit strange, almost as if one is missing an old relative, one you can’t really stand, but is nevertheless dear and known to you. The lack of fear has allowed me to do amazing things lately. Amazing, at least in my book. It has given me the ability to be absolutely truthful.
People always assume that I like confrontation. Given the fact that I tell people what I think of them, based on the blogs I write and how I have dealt with many situations, there are quite a few out there who assume that I am confrontational and combative by nature. It is the opposite! I absolutely despise it. I used to be horrified and allowed everyone to walk all over me out of fear that they would abandon me. I took an unbelievable amount of abuse and crap from people, because I was worried they’d badmouth me and walk out on me.
Everyone’s opinion mattered equally. It didn’t matter if the one who badmouthed me was a stupid loser, or someone who was close to me. I couldn’t stand the idea that anyone would think that I am not a good person, which I always worked so hard on being. It has always been important to me to have integrity, to be honest and to do good in the world and anyone who “hated” me or talked bad about me made me feel as if I failed. Hence, I would keep trying to proof people wrong, not realizing that sometimes there was simply nothing I could do to change a person’s mind, or the way they treated me.
These days I am no longer an equal opportunity people pleaser. I do realize that the opinions, thoughts and words of some people matter more than others. I learned that there is nothing I can do to safe some people, or make them wake up, or make them a “better” person. I realize that some people will never change, or have a very low chance of doing so and that I will not be the one who makes a difference in their life and brings them to their senses. I also remembered how occupying space with bodies who simply no longer serve my well-being, keeps those out who truly would and will.
I said in the prior blog how I deleted people from my contact list. Well, I asked the universe for help. There were a few individuals I simply could not shed. I still felt I needed to be there for them, or owed them something. Interestingly enough, the universe started taking them out one by one, starting already last fall. The freedom I feel from no longer being burdened with those I have to tip toe around and be careful about what I am saying or feeling, is unbelievable. It almost feels like euphoria.
I hold on to Andrew when I hug him and I want to squeeze him to death because of how happy he makes me. My biggest wish of finding the one, looking at each other and knowing instantly “this one is IT” was granted. To be with someone who loves me and needs me without being a weak, needy freak, is overwhelming. Having friends who encourage me by telling me all the great changes they have seen in me within the past few months makes me want to jump up and down.
I worked so hard. It feels as if I ran a marathon and after years reached some of the finish lines. I am still working out and still need to drop more weight to feel fully satisfied with my body, but that doesn’t scare me anymore. The weight is falling off, and it seems almost easy now, as eating right and working out hard has become part of my routine and a habit. Best compliment ever “you are so sexy,” from my husband. Watching his eyes on me and him telling me how he thinks all day long “this is my wife!” makes everything else out there, especially negativity unimportant.
Oh, and I did find a dog trainer for Andrew’s dogs. They are being trained for 5 weeks now and my kitties are safe and sound. After all, I could never give up my babies. Salem is my “son!” 
