Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous’ Category

Obsessed

Friday, July 9th, 2010

Imagine a world that leaves you a prisoner to your own mind. Imagine a world where others avoid you and judge you for being black and white, extreme, judgmental and controlling. This is the world of those who suffer from OCPD – Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

OCPD people have pretty much black and white views, especially on moral and ethical values. They tend to be neat freaks and like things to be a certain way. They don’t like it when others are moving their things and when objects are taken away from their assigned spots. Here is how medicine defines OCPD versus OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder):

“The typical signs of OCPD are:

1.  An excessive need for perfectionism and control over all aspects of your environment

2.  Preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order or organization to the extent that you often forget the major point of the activity

3.  Excessive devotion to work at the expense of time spent with your friends or family

4.  Rigidity with respect to matters of morals, ethics or values

5.  An inability to get rid of items that no longer have value

6.  A miserly spending style towards both you and others

While there appears to be some overlap between OCD and OCPD, there are a number of ways to tell these disorders apart. The biggest difference between OCD and OCPD is the presence of true obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions and compulsions are not present in OCPD.

If you have OCD, you will usually seek help for the psychological stress caused by having to carry out compulsions or the disturbing content or themes of your obsessions. In contrast, if you have OCPD, you will usually seek treatment because of the conflict caused between you and family and friends related to your need to have others conform to your way of doing things.

Finally, whereas the severity of OCD symptoms will often fluctuate over time, OCPD is chronic in nature, with little change in personality style.”

What helps one overcome OCPD? Well, first of all it seems pretty hard to diagnose and secondly, there is only one thing that seems to help here, which is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Where my opinion varies is in only one thing and that is what constitutes either one. To label someone with a mental illness usually implies a lack of control over a situation and a victim mentality. I am not sure I agree with this. It would make life quite bleak to really believe so.

When I look at the above list of behaviors, I am saddened and shamed, for almost every single one of these points describes me. The only two missing are the miserly spending style and getting rid of objects that have no value. I actually tend to swing the other way and can spend a large amount of money on people I care about and have no problem constantly cleaning out my closet and cupboards, getting rid of things that are taking away space and that I never use.

To a degree, I must also admit that I look at this list and think “wow, this makes most Germans OCPD folks.” But it all boils down to the constant fighting and arguing I have and still am going through, because I cannot relate to most human beings without “judging them” for their lack of integrity, loyalty and honesty, and without thinking how weak and spineless most of them are. This has created a horrible cycle for me, leaving me constantly disappointed, withdrawn and heart-broken, while showing a hardened, mean shell that lashes out.

To quote two different individuals that I really admire and look up to:
1. You hide your light.
2. It is hard to see how kind you are and what a great heart you have, because you hide it underneath a shell of harsh judgment and anger.

Hearing these things breaks my heart and yet, I feel a compulsive need to go down these paths. My mind loops 24/7 over things that have happened years, months and days ago, remembering people who have deeply hurt me, betrayed me, abandoned me, lashed out at me and didn’t have my back. When I don’t go down THIS path, I go down the path of remembering what has been done to people I love. It is so exhausting to be this way that sometimes the only choice I have is to isolate, before I do severe damage. There are times when I watch another person’s actions being so hurtful, selfish, cruel and thoughtless that it takes every ounce of my strength to walk away. Once I open my mouth, it’s too late. I tumble down the rabbit hole of “being honest” and cut another into pieces. I have an obsession with telling people “the truth” and when I cannot tell them openly, I’ll find ways to passively “slip” or “nudge.” There is no freedom in any of it, because nothing resolves itself, no one “gets it,” and I’ll end up being hurt, unable to move on or let it go, while the other party tells me to “f” off and walks away without another glance at me, but badmouthing me as crazy or a bitch.

Relationships and friendships become landmines for me, because once I allow a person in, I can’t get rid of them, due to my perceived understanding of loyalty. When someone wrongs me, I will take it on as me being the one to blame and almost always I go back apologizing and trying to fix it, often being kicked some more and ignored for having had the audacity to say whatever I said. There is no compassion for me and even less understanding and so the cycle continues with me feeling that human beings are by design all disappointing, disloyal and not trustworthy.

No, my life isn’t ALL bleak and sad! I have to forcefully remove my obsessive thoughts at times and focus on that which truly is, versus that which I perceive. I have to keep asking those who love me to keep me in check and I have to be honest when I am looping again, going down the path of obsession. I now have enough experience to understand who and what type of person and situation will bring these  traits out even more, and I have to make constant efforts to not let them into my life, or get rid of of those who are already in. I have to keep reminding myself over and over that I am, in fact, loved by numerous people, but especially so by my best friends and my husband. Working out and doing activities that pull me out of my head help me a lot in shifting my focus towards good things. Sometimes it boils down to avoiding certain persons and situations altogether. If I cannot avoid them/do not have a choice in getting rid of them, I will do the minimum contact required and focus on remaining civil and courteous.

While my head goes down certain paths so automatically that I don’t even notice at times, I have opted to try CBT to remove the obsessive thoughts and basically rewire my brain so I can learn to remain in positive places and not get bothered and deeply affected by people and actions I shouldn’t care less about. It will hopefully teach me to prioritize and recognize situations and triggers correctly, so I am no longer a prisoner of my own thoughts.

And sometimes I am so happy to have those few who will pull me back the other way and instead of beating me up will tell me when I am NOT crazy or wrong. I try to be the most self-aware that I can be and I consistently strive to not be ruled by hard-wiring. In the end, I am human like everyone else and must learn that my obsessions lead to nothing but unhappiness, self-loathing, disappointment and anger.

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Posted in Human Behavior, Miscellaneous | 3 Comments »

Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

 

I spent a large part of my life trying to find “unique” individuals. When I was a teenager I used to think that all those who looked different and followed a different set of rules had to be different as well. I embarked on a journey of finding true individuals; creative souls and seekers of truth, unafraid to voice their opinions, out to make a difference and leading by sheer example. Being a diehard idealist and wanting to see the good in everyone made it fairly easy to find what I thought I was looking for. And so my search brought me to all the different groups and sub-cultures, ranging from the Goths over steam punks, gutter punks, long-haired rock dudes, nerds and finally pagans of all paths, such as Wiccans, ceremonial magicians, kabbalists, witches and warlocks, as well as other religious folks. 

I have learned a lot and met some interesting people, listened to some interesting view points and lifestyle choices and yet predominantly found disappointment. The more “different” a group was, the more they all became the same. Individualism was greatly diminished, once the group, or how I called them, “the herd,” dictated what was cool, acceptable, “normal,” and desirable. In their endeavor to stand out and be different they all became the same to me, shining with intolerance, judgmental and snobbish behaviors, stupidity, catty backstabbing, badmouthing and betraying each other, while singing the praises of their loyalty, open-mindedness and individuality.

 Being “different” usually translated into the license to be mean, rude and utterly self-centered, while hiding severe psychological issues under a wide array of costumes, make up and ceremonies that meant as little to them as to anyone else and had just as little or no effect in their life or anyone else’s. Saddened and severely disappointed I retrieved into my own shell and pretty much started avoiding most people from my mid-twenties on. I felt severely wounded and disillusioned by my findings and couldn’t understand how those who should know all about intolerance and superficiality were sporting those exact behaviors, calling it “acceptance” and “open mindedness.” Not giving a damn at all or caring enough to ever really voice an opinion to another’s face, not ever getting involved into another’s life (calling that neutral and not taking sides) and living mere existences of mediocrity and small-mindedness, while claiming that they had “stuck it to the man,” and achieved freedom of mind and spirit while getting addicted to substances, sex and alcohol, was the common behavioral patterns I observed. To me, there was nothing liberating or enticing about any of it.

 So I moved on to the “enlightened” group of spiritualists, pagans and other religious folks, to find predominantly a bunch of renfaire clothes sporting hedonists, who used spiritual teachings as a license to manipulate, while appearing as if they were actually doing something of importance. A lot of them claimed in excess of ten years in experience and knowledge, while their lives were falling apart and they had no more or less power than the next person to manifest or cause change. The longer the title, the more experience they claimed, the less I usually found behind the smoking mirror. And yet, the allure all of them had over the “normal” folks was not just astounding, but also puzzling to me. The more bizarre a notion, the more followers one could find, regardless of path or religion.

 Now that I am in my 40s I found that the most enlightened, most creative, most interesting individuals are often those you’d never make out in the crowd. They would often show themselves in the most mundane clothing, they wouldn’t always sport a vast amount of tattoos or piercings and they hardly ever claimed a title or specific style. They simply were. They stood out by walking to the beat of their own drum. Sometimes they would dress differently, sometimes they wouldn’t, but they all stood out by not trying to be different or by not trying to really be anything at all besides being true to themselves. They usually would have a tolerance that was inspiring to me and a sense of humor about life, not ever taking themselves or anything all that serious. They never felt a need to preach or push their beliefs on another and would inspire by the way they lived life and the choices and decisions they made.

 I look around me and notice that nothing has changed. People like Lady Gaga stand out by wearing bizarre clothing, just as the goths did way back when to me when I was a teenager. People appear to be so unique and different and then they speak and poof, the individuality and original “coolness” goes down the drain. But for most it is the exterior that counts, for that what appears cool or pretty, must be so by design. And so human beings continue to be fooled by that which seems, versus that which actually is.

 We do not see the true leaders and inspirational ones, because the squeaky wheels and those who scream the loudest are still heard the most. The fanatics demonstrate, disturb and smear, while the Dalai Lamas of the world quietly observe and spread peace by action. How we have it all backwards and know so little, while looking in the wrong places for purpose and quality of life. My question to those who still believe that coolness lies with exterior qualities and being passive and indifferent is this, who will remember how you looked, if you never shined with your mere way of being?

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A Better World – We’re Doing it Wrong

Sunday, June 13th, 2010

We sure have a lot of problems in this country. Two thirds of our population are overweight and obese, 14% of Americans are illiterate, including 20% of all high school graduates, and while I could go on and on with statistics, I just want to add one more, which is probably one of the worst, the BP oil spill. Why I am adding this one will become apparent in a minute.

We rant and rave about behaviors. And once it’s too late, that is when we are all up in arms about the state of the nation and the horrors of the world. But let’s just state the obvious. The “better” life in this country is not always available for everyone!

I sure as hell don’t like eating “crappy” food. Hence, when I eat beef, I try to always go for grass fed. When I buy fruits and veggies, I try to get them organic, because I just don’t want to deal with the pesticides. Dairy products I also only buy organic, because I don’t want to consume hormones in my milk. Instead of processed and “white” food items I try to eat whole grain or sprouted grain. Yes, I feel healthier and yes, I really think that this stuff is better for you and yes, my grocery bill has more than doubled!

I am lucky, because I am actually able to shop at Whole Foods, but a family of 4 or 5 probably won’t be able to afford it. Of course, one can go to Trader Joe’s but their selection is usually rather limited. So often it boils down to either eating healthy and paying more than double on some items, or eating junk, which comes cheap and is affordable for everyone.

People are screaming about the oil spill. “Let’s all boycott BP!” Yes, let’s! It won’t do a damn thing! Why? Because at least half of the population is still driving SUVs. The American Dream still includes a great car and great cars are built with shitty gas mileage. Geez, I am guilty as charged too! I am driving a V6 and feel incredibly guilty about it. Of course, this didn’t really cross my mind while I was blinded by the shiny object at the car dealer’s lot! Like all the other suckers, I drove off “looking cool” and justifying my move by stating “well, it does get almost 29 mpg on the fwy.” Which means, NEVER! In LA you will NEVER get this gas mileage! My average mpg is 20!

Of course, I am well aware of how crappy the state of environment is. Hence, I started doing a little research. The sad thing is that most environmentally friendly cars just look like crap! Let’s face it, there is just nothing pretty about a Prius for me. I don’t like Easter egg shaped cars. If I could, I’d be driving a Camaro. Alas, this would be a total ass hat move, since I really do want to contribute to a cleaner environment.
And then there is the holy grail of electric cars, the Tesla Roadster! Yes, for $112,000 you, too, can be environmentally friendly AND drive an awesome looking vehicle. The problem is, I don’t have $112,000! Well, I could lease one…for the bargain price of $1,700 a month! Not so much!

So what is it with our country? If you want to live “cleaner” it will usually cost you a bundle and it’s often simply not attainable for those who do not make 6 figures. What company would come up with an awesome concept, like the Tesla and yet charge you 6 figures for it? How many people will actually profit from this design?!

Thank god, Nissan is coming out with the Leaf, a 100% electric car, with a charger station that can be installed in your own garage! Small side effect, the car isn’t that attractive looking, has a fuel range of only about 200 miles (so ixnay on taking it on a road trip) and comes in only one color. BUT…I am more than willing to swallow my pride, if it means I am actively doing something to help our environment.

My point is that it is easy to judge people who are overweight/obese, addicted to tobacco, alcohol and consumerism, when this is exactly what this country is built upon. As Americans we are the ultimate consumers. We have never been truly faced with consequences, because we live in the land of the free. We wait until we hit the crisis, then we throw our arms up in the air, yell bloody murder and point fingers.

I hate to say it, it’s not the fast food restaurants, the corn farmers and the oil companies alone who are to blame. It is largely about the fact that we don’t fight hard enough for the things we should be fighting for, namely our planet. Maybe the guys in charge should provide better incentives for green companies. Maybe they should give incentives to car companies who built environmentally friendly vehicles. Maybe the crappy stuff shouldn’t be available for so much less than the good stuff. Maybe living healthy should be more affordable for the average person and maybe we should invest more in our public transportation systems, versus bailing out the car companies! Maybe there should be something done about the fact that our food and everything else one can afford is the equivalent to “made in China.” Cheap stuff, without any nutritional or qualitative value. We are truly the “throw away” society, and if you want quality, you’ll pay a fortune. Which is why companies like Wal-Mart are making billions of dollars!

In my opinion, it is easy to scream once the damage is done. It is much harder to take a look in the mirror at oneself and then start contributing in whatever little way one can, even if that means one has to push past one’s comfort zone. The changes for a healthier planet and population start with even the smallest changes coming from each and every one of us.

We are the consumers, as long as we scream for shitty foods, cheap junk, huge cars and instant gratification, companies will keep on producing them. You want to cause change? Well, it won’t happen if you boycott BP, or sneer at fast food junkies! Yes, my grocery bill is outrageous, but if I can afford it, I will support the organic farmers. Yes, I will drag my butt over to the local farmer’s market and buy their stuff, even though it isn’t as convenient as going to one of the supermarkets in the neighborhood. Yes, I will pay off my V6 and then never buy another gas guzzler again. Hopefully in another two years the technology has advanced and electric cars or hybrids are made that look more attractive and have a wider operating range. And if not, well, in that case I’ll just have to drive myself around in a car that may not look that hot, but at least my conscience is going to be clear and I won’t be feeling like such a hypocrite.

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Posted in Human Behavior, Life, Miscellaneous | 5 Comments »

Oh come on, you are not even trying!

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Today I received this lovely scam in the mail. Hence, I am issuing another friendly reminder to NEVER click on links you receive in your email, unless you really know the source!!!

This one is very sad. The grammar and spelling is so atrocious that I can’t believe anyone in their right mind would click on this. I also like how I “really need digial goods, like a motorcycle!” *sigh* DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK!!!!!

Dear friend:
  Heya,happy new years. how are you doing recently ? I would like to introduce you a very good company which I knew.
  Their company homepage is www.crazy-digital.com.
  They can offer you all kinds of electronical products which you need, such as motorcycles, laptops, mobile phones, digial cameras, TV LCD ,x box, ps3, gps, MP3/4, etc. Please take some time to have a look at it, there must be something you ‘d like to purchase.
Hope you have a good mood in shopping from their company!
Regards

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What NOT to Wear to Work!

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

Yesterday I saw this article on Yahoo’s homepage about what not to wear to the office, if you are a woman and want to get promoted. Again, the “Obvious Police” struck, telling us things that none of us knew…NOT!

Sometimes I am not sure if one should laugh about these tips and tricks or simply be insulted! Then I wonder why I don’t get paid to state the obvious. Ask any of my friends, apparently I am excellent at it :-D

So, here are the things one should NOT wear to work if one expects a promotion:

1.  Shirts with too much cleavage, also known as shirts where your boobs hang out
2.  Shirts or pants that reveal your bra line, pantie line, or are see through, so one can see the bra or pantie
3.  Mini skirts that are way too short, or for those who don’t get it, skirts that end right under your ass
4.  Beach attire, i.e. spaghetti strap tops and gladiator sandals, or worse, flip flops!
5.  Clothes that are too sexy, or club clothing, period

Who knew!? Who would have thought that one will not be taken serious, or let alone promoted when one shows up looking like a teenager or slut? I am desperately trying to find a better word than slut, alas, I can’t think of one.

Now, I can’t be a hypocrite here and have to seriously admit that I have been guilty of ignoring business attire rules most of life. No, I haven’t crossed the lines of showing off my bra, underwear, boobs or ass, even when I did have the body to do so, and no, I have definitely NEVER worn flip flops. As we know, I have a huge aversion to flip flops and Crocs. I also found that there are some other common rules that were missing from this list, so I am going to add them here for your convenience. Of course, these are my own:

1. I don’t see anything wrong with wearing open toed shoes, especially not in a casual environment. BUT, if you DO insist on wearing those, at least make sure you have nice looking feet. I do not want to see chipped off toe nail polish, or otherwise scary looking feet peaking at me from sandals or open toed shoes, period. As we know, I also have a strange aversion to feet, especially male feet. Which brings me to rule number 2.

2. Men NEVER get to wear sandals or flip flops to the office….EVER! Especially not when being paired with a button up shirt and slacks or designer jeans!

3. Crocs are forbidden for all, male or female. If I see you with garden clogs, I will either make fun of you, or beat you up.

4. Leggings are out! Leggings under miniskirts or shorts are also out, even if you do have a decent body.

5. Khakis or Dockers – unless you want a permanent douche bag stamp from me.

Look, I honestly don’t really care what people are wearing to work. I have always paid more attention to personality, intellect, capabilities, experience and character and I have never been dazzled by a fancy suit. However, I am also very, very aware that this is NOT how the vast majority of business executives are seeing things. I made the decision years ago that I would not sell out. Meaning, I would not wear things that were uncomfortable and a blatant violation of my being, just so I could get that title or promotion. It was a decision I made for myself and I sure as hell don’t expect others to make the same decision.

The truth is that looks DO matter! What we wear and how we present ourselves does have a fairly big impact on others and there are common rules even I don’t break. For me these rules are obvious, such as not flashing my body parts at work, or wearing things that are so flashy that they barely qualify for club clothing. I am also aware that my idea of cool is not necessarily an executive’s idea of cool. Yes, there are certain areas in which one can dress in creative, casual ways and one’s progress is not hindered. Gaming is one of them, Internet companies, such as Yahoo, another. But even within those worlds are rules, such as dressing the part when one meets with vendors/clients, or represents the company at a conference, meeting or otherwise.

Why these obvious ways of being, or ways to conduct oneself are not clear to everyone is beyond me. I find it sad that certain things need to be explained or said out loud. Apparently not everyone has common sense. But unfortunately how we appear leaves an impression. I am saying “unfortunately” because there are entire studies done on how “pretty” or “good-looking” people get further in life. On how a thin person is viewed as “more capable” than an overweight person. While I do NOT even remotely buy into crap like that, it is clear that those of us who do not look “conventional” will have to make a decision sooner or later about just how far we are willing to stay true to our “freakishness.” And if we choose to do it all the way, then we cannot be too shocked if we don’t end up at the director, VP, or senior VP level of a company.

The vast majority of corporate America is still ruled by the khaki sporting overlords. And fighting that won’t do you any good. But a bit of common sense and a bit of compromise DOES get you pretty far. If you ask me, it gets you far enough :-)

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Posted in Miscellaneous | 11 Comments »

Gaming – Nerdness 101

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

I realized today that I haven’t played WoW in a good three months. I am probably kicked out of any guilds and can’t even remember how many characters I have on how many different realms. Apparently, my subscription also ran out on June 11th.

It seems as if gaming is something only a certain breed of people really gets into. I used to think it was people like me. I was the nerdish, definitely not so cool kid in school, I liked keeping to myself and I had a slightly addictive/OCD kinda personality. I could get into things that involved a lot of imagination for hours. I never played D&D, but come to think of it, I’d probably been awesome at it.

It used to be a dirty kind of secret to be a gamer. One would immediately get the stamp of “total loser” attached to it, unless one looks kind of cool, in which case you’d be elevated to “total geek.” I never really did care to be part of the cool crowd and I was very proud to be the only female in my Diablo II Hardcore guild. 

I am honestly amazed to see what gaming has become. The graphics on some of these games are absolutely stunning. The ability to get totally lost within another world, pretending to be some kind of hero or cool being, especially when life isn’t all that great in reality, makes it a perfect escape for some, and an awesome pastime for others. I have been both, the one who needed an escape and the one who liked to have a fun pastime that did not include driving (driving in Los Angeles IS a total nightmare), going to bars, clubs, or other “social” places (for reasons I don’t even care to get into) and leaving the comfort of my home. 

I wished more people would game, although I DO know how addictive it is for some. I HAVE lost with past men when it came to spending time with me, or spending time with the game of their choice. But there is something to be said about healthy, harmless running about, being someone else. Maybe what I am trying to say is that I wished that more of us would still have the ability to be a kid without hurting ourselves or others. 

I think I will still be playing some kind of game when I am old and gray!

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Survey Says!

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

I’ve listened to the advice from my friends who live in, or near Hollywoood and sampled Trader Joe’s versus Pavilions. It turns out, even here in Hollywood Trader Joe’s is considerably cheaper! My beloved raw almonds, priced at $7.99 at Pavilions were $3.69 at Trader Joe’s. I compared numerous items, including potato chips, filet mignon, vegetables, milk and dairy products and found that Trader Joe’s was at times not only cheaper, but a mere half of what Pavilions charges for the same item, the same brand and the same size!

I have therefore made the decision to rather drive a few blocks further and spend half the money, versus shopping two blocks away and being ripped off. I guess location is not the only factor when one goes shopping for groceries. Store brands also play a huge role.

Apparently there is a Ralph’s not too far from here that is also very cheap, but I think for the time being I’ll stick with Trader Joe’s. I wished I could open my own business. If I only had a good business idea/plan, just to offer some decent prices for something, versus ripping off people in a messed up economy. Turns out, one CAN survive this shitty economy, as long as one does some research and puts some effort into finding cheaper solutions.

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