This is a blog request from my friend Jude. He wanted to know how to get rid of “bad” friends, because when it comes to getting rid of them, “I am such a coward.”

Let me start out by saying that we all are cowards when it comes to getting rid of anyone whom we have an emotional investment in! The longer we have known them, the harder it is going to be to get rid of them; and unless you are heartless bastard it’s just never going to be pleasant to kick a person out of your life. Because as human beings we tend to often be loyal to time and not the character. So let me point out some of the important things to consider when walking away from a toxic person.

1. Know what the reaction will be
   They are not going to be pleased with what you have to say and will therefore act in the usual ways toxic people act in:
   - Denial – “I never said/did that!”
   - Passive aggressive – talking behind your back or saying things to others in a way that you will find out about, i.e. Facebook comments
   - Attack/defensive – “I can’t believe you would  be this disrespectful/mean/harsh, etc. when I am so hurt/weak/sick/sad/depressed”
   - Insulting – calling you names, accusing you of being mean, judgmental, etc.
   - Trying to prove you wrong – usually by involving others who will agree with them and stand against you with them
2. Release your attachment
   No argument, no tone of voice, no way of pouring your heart out, or any way of rational reason will ever change the mind of a toxic person. Why? Because this is what constitutes a toxic person to begin with, a complete and utter lack of self-awareness and the ability to take responsibility for their own actions or words. All toxic people are victims and have been wronged, always!  Therefore they must point fingers and always accuse others of being at fault to maintain their ability to function and continue on.
3. There is no logic
   Another defining characteristic of toxic people is the lack of rational thought. Psychology is based on statistics. Most things in life are based on numbers. Not for toxic people. They usually are quite lonely, because most partners/spouses, friends, co-workers, family members, etc. have walked out on them. Where a healthy person can look at their own behavior, analyze and recognize their own role in an argument or situation, a toxic person is never to blame, will always deny or claim they didn’t get it. They always insist that someone else started it, or did/said something to them. Either way, you will not win any type of rational conversation.
4. Look at their friends!
   The friends who surround toxic people come in three categories: 
   a) people who haven’t been around for years (hence, they are not as fed up yet)
   b) People who have known them for a long time and stick due to history (also the ones who usually avoid them as much as possible)
   c) The type who is exactly like them, i.e. other toxic folks
   This is because they have successfully alienated and gotten rid of most sane and healthy people.
5. Be kind and honest but firm!
   There are certain people who will say or do something to you that is so offensive and hurtful that you might lose it. Others take years of wearing you down with their negativity, self-pity, anger, manipulation, etc. But if at all possible, do not bottle up your emotions and suddenly lash out. You have to understand that no matter what angle you choose, they will neither get it, nor apologize, nor understand a single word you are saying anyway. But if you lose it and go off on them, you just gave them more ammo to continue their accusations, whining and victim mode, not to mention that you just gave them more ammo to receive more sympathy from the herd. “See! Look at the hurtful words…she/he said to me!”

“Toxic” people are called that because they are mentally unstable and not healthy. Because they have a way of dragging you down with them, it is vital that you keep your own sanity by establishing firm boundaries and by being clear with your intentions and by stating what your actions will be as a result to their behaviors. Once you declare how you feel and what you will do, stand by it! The worst thing you can do is to be wishy washy or go back on your word. Declare whatever it is you feel is important to you. Here are a few examples:
“When you behave in x, y, z ways I will not engage in conversation with you.”
“I will not/no longer participate in your game/will not be manipulated by you/etc.”
“If you have nothing nice to say to me, I will hang up on you.”

Remember to state your feelings in a calm and firm manner! Don’t get roped into their emotions, don’t lash out in return and don’t let them pull you back in by trying to get a rise out of you. 

Finally, be prepared for the consequence. You must be aware that your integrity, honesty or care for such a person will not change them or rescue them! This means that when you state how you feel and what you will do as a consequence to their being, you will get attacked, probably bad-mouthed and there is the possibility that you will never see or hear from that person again, because by design it is the toxic person who is the coward!  If you are not prepared to lose someone for good, no matter how crazy or sick they are making you, you might be better off avoiding them as much as you can and never confronting them. Toxic people have a way of sometimes making your life hell when you try to get rid of them. But know that this will pass. Once they notice that they cannot get a rise out of you and that you will not respond to them, they will have no choice but to give up. Also, a lot of them have a way of quickly finding replacements for you, namely people that are not as challenging as you are and people who will support them in their toxicity. That is ok! If you can look at yourself in the mirror, knowing that you did the best you could, learning to do things differently if you did screw up, you will be fine. Remember that light attracts light, always! And life is too short to waste it on people who are making you miserable and contributing nothing but pain, worry, anger and hardship to your life.

I’ve had my fair share of tools. Over the years I have learned how to spot them, then how to avoid them and finally how to not allow them into my life anymore. Here are some ways to stop attracting tools, rejects and other detrimental additions to your life.

1. Love thyself! It’s definitely not a cliché. Players and psychos have a way to literally sense insecurity and weakness. On top of that, your most dominate state of being is going to attract other “like-minded” individuals. If you feel unworthy, ugly, unimportant, etc., you will attract another who either feels the same, or confirms your negative thoughts by treating you in ways that support your subconscious self-image.
2. No excuses! Ever read the book “He’s just not that into you?” It really doesn’t take the obvious here, but the small, subtle hints will suffice. If he stands you up, can only spend one day of the weekend with you, doesn’t return calls, etc. he is not into you. No, he didn’t get hit by a bus; he isn’t stranded without a phone or got into an accident. If he has no respect for your time and acts as a flake in the beginning, imagine how it will be a few months or years down the road!
3. Know your own worth! Just  because he had bad relationships in the past, got lied to, cheated on, had a bad childhood or any other sob stories, does not give him the right to treat you unkind or disrespect you. A sad past does not give license to be dishonest, fall out of integrity or use and abuse another.
4. Choose “healthy” friends! Here is a great way of gauging this one. Ask yourself if you could marry any of your friends. If the answer is “no,” and you are spending time and space with people who have no direction, people you do not admire and people who do not challenge you to grow, chances are you will attract the same in guys. It works like an occupational hazard. How can you meet the right guy if you are hanging in the wrong crowd? And on that note, guys will judge you based on who surrounds you! Your environment speaks volumes about you as a person.
5. Don’t talk yourself into the relationship! I understand that it gets lonely out there. I also understand how it feels when it appears as if you found someone. But if there are red flags in the very beginning, pay attention to them! Don’t think you can change him, don’t feel you need to stick around, but move on. By deal-breakers I mean traits that are absolutely not acceptable to you under any circumstance. This could be drug use, a bad temper, being flaky/not keeping his word, or even be as simple as not being attracted to him.
6. Make a list! Yep, this worked like a charm for me, not just in relationships but in other things as well. Make a list and note down the following two columns: Must Haves and Compromisables. Do not use negative language, i.e. “I don’t want,” and do not use superficial traits, like height, or hair color. Instead, be specific without limiting yourself. For example: Must Haves: Honest with himself and others, integrity, kind, caring, chemistry/sexually compatible… The chemistry part takes care of the exterior description, as we generally do not have chemistry with people that we are not attracted to. Carry the list with you, look it over at least once a day and NEVER compromise on the Must Haves!
7. Follow your gut! Everyone is intuitive to a certain degree. We generally know when we meet someone if there is something off, or if the person is not right for us. Follow this initial instinct. If you are a person who talks herself out of her initial gut feeling, ask an intuitive friend to give you some insight. A neutral person can often spot the things we may purposely ignore.
8. Make a deal with your friends! I had one with my best friends. The deal was that any new guy I was dating would have to pass “inspection” by my best friends. They had total permission to tell me what they saw and any flags were to be raised and discussed openly and honestly.
9. Take your time! I know that being single can be sad and I know it’s difficult. But if you become desperate you will start to not just compromise (which can be a good thing), but settle. Nothing good comes from settling, besides the fact that you are wasting your and his time.
10. Don’t believe everything you read in books or advice columns and think for yourself! Yep, I think a lot of the info out there is not only conflicting, but also flat out wrong at times. No, not all guys who merely tolerate their mothers are bad husbands. No, not all men who have been cheated on, or were married/engaged to psychos are broken for good and cannot function in a “normal relationship.” Just like not all guys who have an amazing relationship with their mothers are good husbands or boyfriends.

Some guys will simply never learn. It is up to you to connect the dots. Listen carefully to what friends he keeps and what they are saying about him. Also look at his previous history with relationships and pay close attention to specific patterns. How he treats you, how he speaks to you, how he looks at you, how thoughtful he is and how often he thinks of you will all show who he is and where you are headed. A good guy is really not that hard to spot and if you severe doubts in a guy to begin with, that should serve as a big enough flag to further examine him.

No man is perfect and neither are you. But there is a huge difference between a self-absorbed jerk or loser and a genuine good guy. With a little practice, self-awareness and determination the tools of the world won’t even have an in to your life anymore.

Apparently, people liked my blog on spotting jerks. Hence, I was asked to post a blog on how to spot the nice guys. I could be a Muppet now and say “you’ll know when you meet them,” but Muppetry is just not the way to go

Here are the ten common traits sported by a genuinely nice guy, which I consider btw, a “real man:”

1. They are always willing to help you out. If it is at all in their power, they’ll be there when you need them. No matter if it is for crying, venting, fixing a sink, painting, or moving. Which leads to number 2.
2. They know the true meaning of friendship. Nice guys not only get the meaning of friendship, but they honor it. This includes that they’ll stand up for you, protect you and respect you. A nice guy never turns on his woman.
3. They look beneath the surface. Most nice guys have been to the dark side and returned. This means that they’ve had their share of dishonest, crazy or mean women. Even though men are visual, a good guy will not base his relationships solely on superficial things, i.e. the size of a woman’s boobs. There is nothing superficial about a nice guy!
4. They own up to their shortcomings. All nice guys will always try to take the high road, instead of getting worked up. If they get jealous, or insecure, they may not immediately tell you, but they will let you know…IN A NICE AND RESPECTFUL WAY! Nice guys don’t have a chip on their shoulder.
5. They are considerate and they respect you. These are still men we are talking about here, so they will probably forget stuff. But, the nice guys will know how much certain things mean to you, i.e. watering the plants, or whatever else is important to you, that couldn’t be more unimportant to him. He does it, because he pays attention, and because he values and respects your needs.
6. You are his top priority, especially your well-being and safety!  I remember being stood up after returning from the ER for WoW by an ex and how terribly hurt I was. I recently had to go to the ER again. My husband dropped what he was doing, came to pick me up, brought me home and “watched over me.” For the truly nice guy, you are not merely another point on the “to-do-list.”
7. You can talk to him about anything. Men don’t like discussing feelings. It’s as simple as that. But the good guys acknowledge that most of us women do, and don’t have an issue listening to you. A truly good guy knows that friendship is important in a relationship.
8. They are secure enough with themselves without being arrogant, and the insecurities they do have are not running rampant. Real men don’t start brawls, they are not paranoid and they don’t project their issues on another.
9. They don’t look down on others or have superiority complex. A real man doesn’t keep friends for the sake of making himself look better. He doesn’t badmouth his friends or his woman and he doesn’t put blame on everyone else for past failures.
10. Their heart is open. It’s as simple as that. A real man is neither closed off, nor indifferent, disillusioned, cold, unsympathetic or mean. A good men will have an open heart that has enough room to fit you in. He will not just tell you that he loves you, he will show it!

The most important thing here is that you will not doubt a good guy. This is because he shows his heart and thoughts by his actions. A real man has integrity, is honest and stands by his word. He is the kind of guy people like spending time with. He is by no means perfect, but he always tries do be the best he  can. When he screws up, he doesn’t give up, but he gets back up.

A real man doesn’t ignore you, flirt or drool over others in front of you, doesn’t cheat and doesn’t run at the smallest sign of trouble. Integrity, respect, kindness and honesty are the key words to describe a good guy and a real man! The good guys are simply the opposite of a self-centered, dishonest, insecure and definitely not worthwhile jerk!

Now, let’s move to the closet jerk. Closet jerks always appear to be nice. Of course, they don’t share a whole lot about themselves with others, they tend to be kind of anti-social, are usually self-centered and shine by being victims, angry or so disappointed. Here is how one can spot a closet jerk:

1. They tell you they are nice guys and blame their shortcomings on being nice! The closet jerk will whine and complain about having been cheated on and left and he can’t understand why. No woman really understands them and the only reason they are so lonely is because they are such nice guys!
2. They will fix whatever is broken on your car or home, when “they have a chance.” Which is never. Their own projects and activities tend to come first. Which brings us to number 3.
3. They are selfish. And then claim that they are selfish because they have been used so many times. Either way, they will justify why they can’t accompany you, spend time with you or help you out when you need it.
4. They make you feel guilty, by being in a bad mood or having a bad attitude if they do accompany to a thing you wanted to do. They will show up to help out, while complaining about how hard they are working, that it was too hot, too cold, and how they worked harder than everyone else.
5. The closet jerk needs to make himself sound great. Because they usually lack self-confidence, they’ll manage to throw in little tidbits that make them sound awesome. This includes their salary, a title, expensive toys, etc.
6. They can only function in one type of environment. Chances are, the few friends they do still have, have been around for too many years to really care. Especially pay attention to those guys who hang out in sub-cultures, or scenes that are unconventional. They generally have no variety of friends, but only hang with people from the same clique/group they have been hanging out in since they were a teenagers.
7. They are stuck in being a boy. Those guys have a tendency to go on about the “good old times” and because they never changed scenes or environments, they never grew emotionally and spiritually.
8. Their past relationships have predominantly been with psychos or considerably younger girls. This is because closet jerks need to appear as saviors and heroes. They need to be admired, they need someone who makes them look good and cannot form meaningful or deep relationships with anyone who is genuine and real.
9. They are judgmental and have a sense of superiority. They go on and on about having been bullied or judged when they were younger and now they do the same to anyone who doesn’t fit the exact mold they have created. Of course, the mold is usually based on superficial things, i.e. hair color, style and so on.
10. They are just not fun to be around. Once the “nice guy” shell falls off and you are stuck spending time with them, you find that you feel just as miserable as they do. They tend to be downers and are dangerously unaware. Because in their heads they are nice guys!

OK! I have heard this study for many years and quite honestly, I really do believe that some people are definitely not wired to be monogamous. I personally don’t care if a person is monogamous, polyamorous, polygamous or asexual. I really, really don’t care. What I am not too happy about is that so called “experts” proclaim how ALL humans are wired and how unnatural it is for all of us to be one way or the other.
And my personal opinion regarding the divorce and cheating rate being so high is that people are overindulgent, lack common decency and integrity, don’t know how to keep their word, and are overall quite often a bunch of spoiled, instant gratification seeking bunch of spineless Muppets! The horror of actually having to work on something, instead of tugging tail and running, or seeking “greener pastures! There! (And no, I am not an expert, and yes, I am well aware that there are exceptions!)

I am hard-wired to be mongamous. I don’t know if it is my cultural upbringing, my beliefs, church conditioning, astrology, genes or some random coincidence, and honestly, I don’t care. What I do take offense to is that anyone would cite maybe ONE scientific study, and then proudly proclaiming, “THIS IS THE WAY IT IS!” I take offense to anyone belittling, or insulting another, who isn’t the way they feel we all should be.

Maybe, maybe I am just simply jealous. Maybe my small, underdeveloped brain never did evolve to the point where I could watch my mate having sex with another. Maybe I cannot overcome my “conditioning” to feel nothing but hurt and humiliation when the one I loves sleeps/has slept with another. Maybe I should join when my man is hitting on another? But this is who I am! I will never change my mind on that and quite frankly, I am not interested in changing it either.  Unlike many people, male and female, I do not randomly form bonds with people and I am absolutely incapable of having casual sex. Trust me, I’ve tried and it backfired BIG time. The truth is, I am not built this way. I am fine with being considered boring, dated, predictable and conservative. I choose to live MY life the way I see fit.

Again, I don’t care if people happily live with 50 partners! I don’t care if one wants to attend orgies, be a swinger, sleep with dozens of people, cheat, or whatever else floats their boat. I just don’t like being told that I am not evolved enough within our species, because I choose to be monogamous and would be unable to remain with an unfaithful partner. So please, please don’t spread your generalized notions of the human race out there, while calling it an expert study.

Actually, the newest studies from anthropologists suggest that human beings are hardwired to be monogamous. I am all for spreading the love. Go spread your legs, your sperm, your love, your whatever, just don’t belittle those of us who are unfortunately not born “natural sluts.” Because honestly, it makes you sound like a “not-so-free” ass hat, if you are sneering at people who choose to stay with one partner and uphold certain vows we chose to hold sacred!

I always liked people to be straight with me and I have done my best to be just as straight forward in return. I haven’t always done the best job in being diplomatic or kind in my delivery, even to this day. Balance is difficult and my largest lesson to learn. But watching those I admire, male and female, has taught me a great deal about the person I am, the person I was and the one I aspire to be. Not wanting to disappoint those who have loved and supported me inspired me like nothing else.

Last weekend I walked the Revlon Cancer Walk for all women’s cancers. This was huge for me. I dislike crowds with a passion and therefore don’t care for large events of any kind. The night before the walk, my husband Andrew decided to join me and my team in the walk. When I asked him why, he told me that he wanted to support me and that he is incredibly proud of me. To me this was the sweetest thing in the world, given that Andrew doesn’t do getting up early and also hates crowds. 

I still remember the day in March last year, when I woke up with an incredible sense of euphoria. It had dawned on me this very morning how loved I was. I never had large crowds and cliques around me, but the handful of people who love me do so with all their heart. It was in this very moment that I decided that I did not need to be sad about being single anymore, because I had so much love already around me. It was in this moment that I started loving myself, for how could these amazing people love me, if I was as worthless and unlovable as I thought I was. Three days later I met Andrew, and now my “love bag” is full.

Throughout my life I fought some pretty harsh battles. Some were brought on by me, others were brought on by others, but the constant theme of swimming upstream and fighting my way through life was pretty consistent for as long as I can remember back. Most of the time I didn’t really have people who fought my battles or fought for me. I didn’t realize how sad and disappointed I was about that and how bitter in certain aspects that had made me. Therefore I took it upon myself to fight battles for others. It became my way of being way back in school. I got used to the fact that people will neither really speak up for me, nor protect me.

Trust is difficult for me, because I still foremost assume that people will neither be loyal, nor trustworthy. But then I look at my “circle of love,” and realize that this is not true. Andrew is by no means perfect, but he loves me with all his heart and he is fiercely loyal to me. Andrew is a man who doesn’t talk a whole lot (maybe that’s why we work so well  ) but when he chooses to open his mouth, he does so with purpose and perfect articulation.
My friend Jean is one of the least confrontational people I know, but she has no problem speaking up for me if she has to, or telling me off if need be.
My friend Carren has a way to be incredibly straight forward, while being one of the kindest people in the world.
And then there is Lena, my fiery Aries girl, who’ll roll straight into battle with me without as much as flinching. Her Middle Eastern temper paired with my German temper make us the perfect pair.

There are quite a few other friends and people who care about me, but these four people are my pillars. They love me unconditionally and because of that see my intent versus my delivery. They value my views and opinions, as I value theirs. It is this kind of love, dedication and truth that has made me the person that I am. To be loved by people who are special and extraordinary makes me strive to be extraordinary and brings out the best in me. I feel I have to be my best, so I continuously earn such perfect love and trust.

They say love can move mountains. Well, I find love transmutates, changes and alters everything and everyone, even stubborn, rigid and slightly bitter Virgos. I have the deepest gratitude  for all my friends who stuck with me, even though I AM such a complicated person. Love is healing the broken pieces and is delivering the peace of mind and heart I always wished for. 

Before I start posting this, I should say that this was sent to me by my chosen sister, Lena. This was a radio broadcast, and I merely took the liberty to write it up. I have changed some of the words, but overall, I am quoting this broadcast literally. I have chosen to neither comment on any of the points, nor add my own experiences or thoughts. This pretty much says it all.

True friends are the most valuable asset in our life. But there are times when we find ourselves in a position where we have to part ways with a friend. When this happens, it is usually heart breaking for us. Friendships can fail for numerous reasons.

There are times when we choose friends we shouldn’t choose, because friends have an impact on our life.When you voluntarily relate to another’s life, you inadvertently become a little like them. So it’s very important to choose friends wisely. If you are not careful they will drag you down, instead of you lifting them up. How definite and clear are my convictions, and how far am I willing to go to trust that another is not going to drag me down.

These are the types of friends we shouldn’t choose/should avoid:

1. Gossips – those who reveal secrets of others and slander others. The fact is, if someone talks bad about others all the time, they are going to talk bad about you when you are not there. Gossips never talk bad about only one person, but they do it across the  board, and they do not discriminate.

2. Quick tempered people – Do not associate with those who are quick to anger, or you’ll quickly learn that it will always be their way or the highway. Eventually, an angry person will, sooner or later, express their venom and anger and turn on you; and you will end up becoming just like them, if you choose to stick around!

3.  Disloyal and discontent – do not associate with those who are unstable and give in to any and every way or persuasion. Those who are unstable generally also tend to be defensive and angry. There is no reasoning with an out of control person. The fact that they tend to be out of control also means that they will give in to whim; they react to things, even though they may appear cautious. Those who are out of control also tend to lack discipline.

4.  Lacks common values – surround yourself with those who seek wisdom and don’t waste their knowledge. Try to choose those who make right decisions and have common values. Wrong ones will waste your time and waste your life and they’ll always drag you down.

5.  Foolish people – if you surround yourself with wise people, you will end up wise. The ones who walk with fools with suffer horrors. A fool is not interested in spiritual things, wisdom, knowledge or anything else, because they tend to  be arrogant, careless and indifferent. Do not associate with those who are foolish in their thinking. Why avoid them? Because of the influence they have on our lives.

True, genuine friendships develop over time and are able to discern the motivation of the other. Now that I have told you what people to avoid, I want to share the building blocks for lasting friendships:

1.  Time – friendships take time and one has to be willing to spend time with one’s friends. If you are too busy or do not want to give time to another, you probably won’t make a good friend to that person.

2.  Talk – the more a person talks, the more you get to see into their mind, heart and soul. The more they talk, the more you’ll learn. Sometimes we learn that the more a person talks, the less we want to have to do with them. This is because words show you the true core of a person. Friends are those we like to talk and listen to.

3. Tears and Laughter – there are times when you will have to cry and there are times when you will laugh. But if you cannot talk together, if you cannot cry or laugh together, you are not true friends. Friends are those who will ease the pain. Those who do not have real friends to share their pain with, but instead shove it, cram it and keep it inside, will find that it will start to affect their health. Friends are those you share your losses and triumphs with.

4.  Tolerance – with friends you tolerate. Sometimes you will have to tolerate attitudes or things they will say. To a degree we’ll always have to put up with each other. No friend is perfect, you are not perfect. Avoiding the friends listed above in the “friends to avoid list” will generally make the tolerance part not too hard.

5.  Transparency – this is where a lot of friendships stop! It means that I am willing to open my heart, tell you when I am angry, tell you what I am feeling, when I feel rejected, happy, sad, what motivates me, what crushes me. We share who we are! Transparency gives true validity to genuine friendship. You cannot have a friendship with those who are not honest with themselves and others. Friendship requires absolute and total honesty. Those who deny who they are, who are neither truthful with themselves or others, cannot be true friends.

6. Love – The final one. Those who are willing to forget themselves at times and give it all they’ve got will find themselves in true, valuable and lasting friendships.

Mach Dein Licht an – Ich und Ich

Here is the translation:

A love is ending
You are left in the dark
It’s finally over
There is nothing you can change

An icy rain is falling
Straight into your life
It’s going down and not up
Put your winter jacket on and don’t give up

Turn your light on
And keep going
Turn your light on
And keep going

Illuminate the streets
Let the stars pale when you shine
Illuminate the shores
How deep is the river supposed to get
That you’re crying

Turn your light
and keep going
Turn your light on
And keep going

Someone deceived you
What’s so bad about that?
It was a false label
What is written on it
Is not what it contained

Your waterproof plan
unfortunately didn’t work out
Who knows what it is good for
Come on, you won’t give up now?

Turn your light on
And keep going
Turn your light on
And keep going

Illuminate the streets
Let the stars pale when you shine
Illuminate the shores
How deep is the river supposed to get
That you’re crying

Turn your light on
Turn your light on
Turn your light on

I do understand that conditioning plays a huge role in how we conduct ourselves with others. But I also understand how there is one huge part that is at times dismissed, namely free will. Human beings have a tremendous will for survival, and also often one for instant gratification and whim. We are at times rather compulsive creatures and we often get easily distracted by “shiny.”  All of this is not necessarily good or bad, but depends on the vows or promises we have given others.

I recently asked the husband of a friend why he doesn’t consider sleeping with another cheating. He said that the mere sex act with another is not what he views as cheating. He considers cheating when people lie about their relationship, when they deny it or hide it. As long as all parties are good, it isn’t cheating, which of course made sense to me.

When I was younger I used to hide for years at my house. I stopped clubbing in my early 20s, because I was pretty confused and messed up in the head and didn’t want to be presented with temptation. I simply stopped putting myself into situations where I could be tempted to stray, while I was going through a time in my life where my convictions and ways of being seemed rather volatile. It became a habit and to this day I won’t go clubbing without my man and I don’t put myself in harms way. I guess one could say I conditioned myself to avoid situations that might be scary for me.

Sure, I am human. I do get attracted to other guys and I might even swoon over one, telling my husband how “hot” this dude is. But after that it usually leaves my brain. I don’t have to turn it into anything else and there are many reasons for it. I have given a promise to my man to be with him and no one else. I do know that being with another would devastate him. I am always aware of the consequences to my actions and simply can’t feign ignorance. I do have free will and chose to be with my husband, not anyone else. Plus, I am a logical Virgo girl and don’t see how a few moments of potential fun could possibly outweigh a loving relationship.

I think the one thing that a lot of cheaters (and I am talking the notorious cheater, who can’t be faithful no matter what) are missing. It is logical, rational understanding of reality. The knowledge that the grass is NOT always greener. The understanding that no one person out there will be enticing or interesting long enough to them. Usually cheating is justified by faults of their partners. People cheat because their partner didn’t give them enough attention, or isn’t sexual enough, etc. But as they move on to another, they usually fail to see that within no time the new partner is also becoming boring and also has flaws.  Suddenly it all becomes about feeding one’s ego, about instant gratification, feeding one’s whims, and most importantly, getting attention.

I have noticed that serial cheaters are all starved for attention and usually can’t get enough of it, no matter what. They crave constant flattery and avoid anyone who would require them to be real, open, or working on themselves. I think they are generally very lonely, as they create a mere illusion of love and intimacy. I also think they are never really happy.

Doing the right thing often seems hard. Especially in a world where it is so easily overlooked and excused when one does the wrong thing. However, I think the benefits in the long run outweigh anything else. I do appreciate a good looking guy, especially if he comes with intelligence, a good heart, ambition and drive. Who doesn’t? But I am also very happy to admire him from afar, being friends with him, knowing that I come home to my man who loves me no matter what, finds me exciting and funny no matter what and can’t wait to see me. There is happiness in being wanted and “needed” and happiness in predictability of one’s life.

Maybe as human beings we are hard-wired to be difficult, but at least I can decide just HOW difficult my life has to be

I will not go on a tirade about how evil, mean, or whatever men are. Quite on the contrary! I want to write a blog about the good ones out there, because I tell ya, they are really, really hard to come by. I hate to be painting a bleak picture, but there is truth about the fact that most good men are either taken or gay. I am therefore writing this blog for them. I am writing this blog for guys like my girlfriend’s husbands, and for guys like my own husband. May it give hope to those who have been burnt that THIS is what you can look forward to!

This is a tribute to the guys who try. The guys who do the work, have done the work, have integrity and speak truth. This is a tribute to men who overcome their fears and CHOOSE to be open, kind, honest and sharing, even though it is the harder thing to do. This is a tribute to the ones who are courageous and don’t hide behind excuses, complacency, fear and attitude. This is a tribute to the ones who get up and choose to do the right thing most of the time; the men who are honest with themselves and honest with others. This goes out to the men who care, who had to learn to show their feelings, even when it felt awkward and weak to them. This is about the man who comes home to his woman by choice, the guy who doesn’t mess around on his wife or girlfriend, the one who doesn’t operate from the grass being greener and spending a vast majority of his time finding faults with the woman he is with, so he can justify his own crap. This is about the guy who does not humiliate his partner by hitting on others in front of his partner and feigning lack of knowledge or awareness. This is to the ones who are aware of themselves and aware of how their actions, words, thoughts and feelings affect the ones they love.

This is a tribute to the guy who chooses to learn and become a better man, instead of sticking his head in the sand, pretending that he is “fine,” silencing his issues to death and thinking that asking another for help means he is less. I am applauding the guy who recognizes that it isn’t always about him, who chooses to share himself, his time and “stuff” with the ones he loves and cares for. This is to the great fathers, uncles, cousins, sons, brothers, boyfriends and husbands. This is to the guy who doesn’t need a trophy by his side to make himself feel better. This is about the man who knows who he is and stands firmly in that, and those who at least strive to get there, should he not be there yet.

This is to the guys who send a great big “F” you to all the players, weak minded boys, who hurt the ones who try to love them and make their partners feel bad for being all the things they are not; for blaming the ones who love them to justify their selfishness and bad behaviors. This is for the men who prove to us that the movies are real,that there is romance, love, integrity, honesty and strength in a man, and that he will be there when we need him and keep his vow of loving us for good or worse, fat and thin, old and young, sickness and health, because he cherishes our heart, values our mind and friendship and respects and loves us the same way he respects and loves himself. This is for the men who always want the best for us and gently nudge us to be just that, without making us feel inferior.

I salute you, great husbands and partners of the world, for not having become what society teaches you to be. For having overcome the role of an asshole that is so easily bestowed on you and for not retreating into your shell because your mother was a bitch, your father didn’t care, you got teased in school, or were otherwise marked by the wrong role models. May all you single women, or gay men be blessed with finding one of the good ones, and may you have the strength to dump, or never settle for one of the posers! 

I love you, my husband, for being “one of them!”