03.05.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy at 1:38 pm by PsychicDonut
People have often asked me how one meditates. People ask, how do you quiet your own mind, when you barely find the ability to focus on a book you want to read? Hence, for all those who quiver when being presented with the idea of meditation, I want to call it something different, I am going to call it “visualization;” and I say everyone can do it, unless you are void of all imagination and don’t know how to daydream.
Why is it so important to do this? Because if one visualizes specific things over and over, they become imprinted in one’s subconscious mind, and THIS is what creates your reality. There are plenty of people who try to argue this and swear that their reality is created by conscious choices. Which is predominantly true for “healthy” people.
Let me demonstrate this. Most people have encountered at least one drama queen in their life. What I mean by that is a person who has one bad thing happen after another. A person who gets into car accidents, loses jobs, has abusive relationships, no or shitty friends, is lonely, maybe was diagnosed with cancer, gets evicted, loses their home, etc.. I think you get the picture. A lot of these things can happen to “normal” people, but what makes the “crazy makers” (how my therapist used to call them) stand out is that it never ends. It is one bad thing after another and it is never their fault. They are a constant victim of life and circumstances and while they often do have small glimpses of “truth” their story remains “It isn’t my fault and I did nothing to bring this on.” I am sure you know what I am talking about here.
To a degree one could argue that it isn’t their fault, would there not be such a thing as actively creating one’s reality. Excuse the words I am using now, but victims and martyrs have no free will at all. They are slaves to their stories of victimization and know how to suffer so much better that they actually create these bad situations, subconsciously! There is no free will, because they are conditioned to expect the worse, to “never win” and to “always get beaten.” They are not only more than three times more likely to get into accidents, but also more than five times more likely to get terminally ill. They are actively poisoning their mind, body and spirit and as many can attest, their surroundings.
Many of us had bad things happen to us. We are all survivors of one thing or another, but what differentiates us and defines us in character and spirit, is how we are dealing with the bad things and how we are treating those around us as we are hurting. Lashing out, abusing and bad-mouthing others are definitely not the strong suits of great spirit and character. Justifying one’s bad behaviors and insisting on not being at fault, having no accountability and pointing fingers is another indicator of the persons I have described above. If you now add on how no one ever does or gives enough to them, you’ll have the full picture. Like a virus, they are sucking up your energy and emotions and still remain a bucket with a huge hole on the bottom.
We do have free will and we can visualize what it is we want for ourselves. We can visualize the life we want to have, the jobs, relationships and friendships we would like to attract and we can actively work towards it by making conscious choices that support these images.
When we drop our attachment to being a victim and take true responsibility for our own well-being and state of mind, we create a world that is fairly free of suffering and predominantly filled with joy and happiness. The more we become our “higher” self, the better the quality of our lives become.
It took me a very long time to really grasp the concepts of this. When I hit rock bottom emotionally, I felt I had nothing else to lose and gave it a try. Every time I was feeling angry and bitter, I told myself out loud “STOP!” Every time I envisioned horrible things, I stopped it and if I had no tools to envision happy things, I watched a movie that made me happy, or listened to a song that makes me feel better, etc. Every time my mind would follow the hard-wired neuro-pathways in my brain to suspicion, obsession, fear and paranoia, I’d stop in mid track and either talk about it to someone I trusted, saying things like “I need your help right now,” or working out. Every time I wanted to spew negativity on my blog, I walked away and didn’t write at all. Hence, the large gaps between blogs at times.
I would find activities, words and actions that would deter the bad and negative energy, and create positive and healing energy instead. One could call it spiritual alchemy.
What started happening was remarkable! Not only were people who no longer served my path taken out, but I started attracting whatever I wanted, LITERALLY! For example, after Yahoo laid me off, I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what I wanted to do. I bounced from one idea to the next and attracted NO JOB! Finally, one day my husband asked me, “well, if you could do anything what would you want to do?” I said “I really want to do fraud prevention for gaming. I want to catch bad guys for gaming, because I love to game and I think it would be fun.” Within less than a month I received an offer as fraud consultant for one of the largest gaming companies in the world.
While I was working for them though, I realized that I actually didn’t like working for gaming. I felt that working in the gaming world was really not so different than working in the entertainment industry, which was one I always vowed I’d never work for. My contract was actually not running out until March 31, which didn’t stop me from quitting in February!
I delivered and fulfilled my contract. At the same time though, I started networking again. I was networking with so many different people that job interviews started literally pouring in. At one point I was interviewing with three companies at the same time, one of them being one of the largest corporations in the world and dangling the ultimate carrot in front of my nose.
So here were the choices: A giant who was never really rejected from anyone, a smaller company who helped people find their life partners and finally, the third one, another smaller company who actually has a mission statement that reads that they are dedicated to being a positive force in people’s life. What do they do? They provide psychic readings and astrological charts.
As soon as the job for the Psychic site was posted on LinkedIn, I received an email from one of my ex Yahoo employees. She felt that this would be perfect and after reading the job description, I had to agree. We all know that I love doing fraud prevention, but doing it for something I have incorporated in my personal life for more than ten years seemed to be a dream come true. Anyone who knows me is aware that I always “wanted to change the world.” And hello, my blog is the Psychic Donut for a reason! If you know me well, you know why it is called that!
So, before I received a job offer from any of the companies, I felt it was the right thing to do to quit. I had no other job lined up, my husband had just returned from his project, but that didn’t stop me. I had never felt stronger in my gut that I had found my purpose and it was NOT working for the giant, making a gazillion dollars and having a whole boat load of prestige attached. My calling was out there and I didn’t quite know what that would be, but I did know that I was close to finding it.
My last day with the gaming company was Friday, February 19. I had marched into my bosses office three weeks prior and told him that it was time for me to move on. At that point, the Psychics weren’t even in the picture yet. I felt in my gut that I was about to get my chance, and the feeling was so overwhelmingly strong that I walked out without having a back up.
I visualized. I decided that I wanted to align all my efforts and energy from now on with strengthening my higher self. I had signed up for Reiki I about a month earlier (and taking my intro class on Sunday), I signed up to work with Stand Up for Kids again, an organization who helps homeless children to get off the streets and asked to be their director of volunteers. I had decided that I wanted to fight fraudsters, but in an environment where it would aid other people. I had painted my picture of the life I wanted from following point, approx. 15 months ago:
1. Laid off by the company I had been with for almost 8 years
2. Dumped by the guy I was with for almost 2 years
3. Feeling utterly useless and worthless, thinking that no one in the world wants me, sees me or understands me
I got tired of my own BS and martyr story in February of 2009. I visualized a life in which I was married to my soul-mate, the man who’d love me more than anything else in the whole world and thought me all the things others did not.
I visualized working in a company that made a difference, fighting crime and having fun, whilst living in my own home.
I visualized myself getting in shape, working out, losing weight and becoming healthy. I gained a bunch of healthy muscle mass, lost 15 lbs and five inches on my waist alone. And what did my trainer teach me “I CAN’T IS NOT IN OUR VOCABULARY!”
In other words, I visualized that turning 40 would be the beginning of the life I always wanted and the death of the life I had lived, which was a lie.
I believed it so strongly that I created EXACTLY that. Top that ye of little faith, doubting Thomases and nay-saying pessimists. I have found my bliss, and I created it out of a pile of rubbish, and so can everyone else out there!
The only person that is stopping you, is you!
Permalink
02.25.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy at 11:21 am by PsychicDonut
I believe in a soul and a concept of a higher self. I recently had a discussion with a friend who said that his concept of a soul is an entity outside one’s being, but yet energetically connected. Depending on who and what surrounds us, we’ll either add or take away from this soul.
Come to think of it, this belief is very much like my own. Except that I would call it corruption of one’s soul, until there is very little left of a higher consciousness, or any type of peace, harmony or higher self.
Oddly enough, on the same day I had a conversation with another friend, who was telling me how hurt and hung up she was on an ex and how hard it was for her to let go. She felt angry and told me that when people don’t forgive her, it makes her feel like a failure. I can relate to that so well. I have gone through crazy lengths to convince people of my “goodness.”
As she was telling me about how crappy she felt. I told her that I had a theory, or something I had noticed about myself. Most of my anger and bitterness that I would spill into some of my blogs, all stemmed from people who had wronged and hurt me in the past. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get over/not forget the experience, but what made me so angry, furious and bitter, was how their blatant selfishness, mean spirit, lashing out, using me, lying to me, and utter refusal to be accountable, or even as much as apologize to me, etc. had taken away from my soul.
I remembered being one of the most bright eyed, spiritual and to a degree innocent people I knew. I had such a strong belief in the good of people, some form of higher power that was surrounding me at all times, a desire to truly walk in light and help that it never even dawned on me that some simply don’t care, won’t care, can’t care. Sometimes people would make fun of that and call me naive. But the more I ran into selfish people who claimed to care, but only did what served them, and either weakly, or strongly defending their ways, the less I believed that people were either worth saving, nor trusting. The more years went by being surrounded by weak-willed, broken people, the less I believed that anything is possible.
When one spends years with the nay-sayers who whine and “prove” that you truly are powerless, you start believing it. This is what makes these people so toxic. Just like a virus, they infect those around them. Void of hope, light or anything worthwhile to share, they suck away the energy of those who have or had it, until they become just like them. Hence, again! Look at those who are broken and see who surrounds them. Won’t be too many sane, successful and evolved people (no, I am not talking about monetary success, I have met even psychopaths who can create wealth!).
The part that sucks about having had your soul “partially eaten” is that it takes such a long time to regain the qualities you have lost. I guess for some it is impossible, and for others it is just a constant struggle, that requires a lot of self-awareness and the willingness to stop one’s own crazy behavior. It also helps to have role models!
I am lucky in that matter. I have looked around and found some amazingly inspiring people, who not just encouraged me, but inspired me to follow suit. My soul has been doing a nice healing job. I have released most toxic influences, and I no longer differentiate between those who are willingly toxic and those who claim they don’t know/it’s not their fault.
It is hard, very hard. There are times when I am utterly amazed at how loving my husband would react to certain displays of paranoia, driven by a severely broken heart and trust in anyone.
Now I have courage to do things I have NEVER done before. It is a little like remembering a past life. You kind of “wake up” and think “oh yeah, THIS is who I am supposed to be, this is who I was before.” Then, slowly but surely, you create the life that mirrors this understanding and feeling from within. When “bad” comes up you’ll diffuse it and counter it with “good.” Working out does wonders!
The miracle though is how your life aligns itself with a vision you may have had a long time ago. I think this is my true understanding of what Crowley called “doing one’s will.” And from this point on, everything almost magically falls into place. And you scratch yourself on the head and wonder “WOW! And even if it is merely my brain producing these states of bliss and well-being, I CHOOSE to believe that there is something else out there. Something I may not be able to explain, but whatever “it” is sure as hell not only heard me, but is constructing what I never, ever thought possible, and dared not believe. I am living my dream. And while I have a great love and compassion for people, I no longer care if they are doing the same. I am focusing, yet again on helping the ones that are at least partially awake, instead of trying to wake up the sleepers.”
Permalink
02.11.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy, Things that make me happy at 5:23 pm by PsychicDonut
I truly am an idealist. I believe in “good,” and try to see the best in all people. I believe that every person has infinite possibility to create happiness and think that most people are reasonably intelligent to grasp the concept about sticking one’s finger in the power outlet over and over, will only result in getting shocked over and over. It honestly never really dawned on me that some people may not be all that bright, or that some people find a great deal of comfort in being miserable. It didn’t occur to me that some people always need attention, even if it is bad one and that some have traveled so far down the rabbit hole of denial that their idea of reality is totally and utterly distorted. I therefore used to think that certain people do certain things on purpose.
Gosh, I would get so angry and wanted to shake people while screaming “are you dense? Do you NOT see how crazy you are? Look at your life and walk back the past ten years and tell me you do NOT notice how you keep creating more of the same, day in and day out.” In a way, I would do just that at times. See, I was used to this type of behavior from being born and raised in Germany. When I screwed up my friends would hold me accountable. There were dire consequences to my behaviors, which taught me early on (when I was a teenager) that people would not tolerate constant lame excuses coming from me. In a way, my friends in Germany did anything BUT look the other way!
Another one that was very different for me in Germany was the level of loyalty. Your friends were your friends. They stuck by you through thick and through thin. They’d be brutally honest with you and if anyone hurt you, they’d go after them, or at least cast them out. Yes, the most dreaded trait I have been accused of was normal at home, we were black and white in certain areas. I didn’t have to explain myself all the time, I wasn’t seen as abrasive, but strong and loyal and I was not used to anyone sugar coating things to me, or me having to sugar coat for others.
For example, after returning to Germany for the first time after 8 years, I stepped off the plane and was greeted with “Damn, you’ve gotten fat. You need to lay off the cheeseburgers those Yanks are feeding you.” At the same token, when I came back a few years later I was told how much I have slimmed down and how good I look for my age.
I never really had to read between the lines and I sure as hell never met as many delusional folks in Germany, as I did in Los Angeles. No offense! I know lots of amazing people here too and can honestly say that they outweigh the crazy ones in my life!!
There is a certain social dance here I couldn’t quite grasp. After 17 years it is easier for me to navigate through the landmines within conversations here, but it never did feel natural. There is still a stubborn part in me that refuses to play the game, unless I absolutely have to. I felt a need to be honest at all cost. I also felt that withholding, or being quiet was being dishonest. Hence, I randomly spilled out any and every thought and emotion that would come to mind, thinking that people would get the gist, because they know me. I also felt that they would be just as thankful for someone calling them on their stuff as I was. NOT SO!
The beauty of life these days is that I have created a life that is happy and balanced. And within this life an amazing thing has happened, my priorities are finally getting aligned correctly. I am finally learning to open my mouth where I need to and should have a long time ago and where to keep it shut where I need to and should have in the past. I am learning that I don’t have to care about Joe Schmoe and Sue Schmue doing the same idiotic dance again that they have been doing for their entire life. I don’t find myself all that affected by how dishonest, weak willed, cowardly or ignorant people are, because I can choose to not have such folks in my life.
I am learning that just because someone has done a nice thing for me in the past, or has been there for me on occasion, does not mean that I owe them for the rest of my life. I know that I have paid my dues; to them and everyone else for that matter who needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on or anything else. I have learned that I deserve peace and harmony, not chaos and drama. I have learned that life is precious and goes by at the blink of an eye. I therefore have an obligation to myself to make the best of it.
I still uphold truth, honesty, loyalty and integrity as the most important traits in one’s being. I just don’t expect the rest of the world to have the same values anymore and actually make a conscious effort to stay clear of those who do not. Truth is in the eye of the beholder? I think not. There is universal truth and I am actively seeking those who walk on the same, or at least similar paths. It’s amazing how quiet and peaceful life becomes when one does just that.
Permalink
02.04.10
Posted in Spirituality/Philosophy, Things that make me happy at 3:36 pm by PsychicDonut
In management I learned one of the most important management tools, which said that you should always strive to manage to a person’s strength, instead of focusing on their weaknesses. When people are in an environment where 75% of the time they get to do what they like and what they are good at, you end up with really productive teams and very happy people.
I have found that everything I have learned in management also applies for one’s personal life. However, this doesn’t seem as blatantly obvious to others as it is for me. I figured that there are things I can share that may explain a little better what I mean by the importance of being specific and clear.
Let’s say for a moment you are at work and you are scheduled for your quarterly review. Let’s assume you are scored on your communication skills, and you have received an average mark. When you ask your manager/supervisor why you received an average instead of outstanding score, your manager tells you something like “well, I remember an incident a couple months ago where in a meeting you said something offensive.” How are you going to learn from this? One of the first things one learns in management is to be specific and to coach as soon as the opportunity arises, and as soon as the incident is not yet forgotten. Communication in this area should always be very specific, namely what the “mistake” was and how you expect a person to fix it/conduct themselves in the future, etc.
Now transfer that philosophy to life. Let’s assume you are NOT an atheist who only believes in science. Regardless of what your faith is, I do believe that each action has a reaction. Each one of our behaviors, words, actions, emotions and thoughts create some kind of energy that surrounds us. If we are sending negative energy, we receive negative energy. If we are a positive energy, we attract positive people. Don’t believe me? Look around you and notice people who are truly positive and what type of people surround them. Then look at those who are negative and see who, if anyone, surrounds them. (This is by the way where the German saying comes from “zeige mir wer Deine Freunde sind und ich sage Dir wer Du bist” Show me who your friends are and I tell you who you are). So if we are sending wishy washy as our energy, what do we expect to come back to us?
If I want a new job and a recruiter asks me what type of job I am looking for and I reply “anything really,” what do you think will come back to me (if anything at all)? If someone asks you “what kind of relationship are you looking for?” and your answer is “I just want a cute guy who likes me,” what do you think you create with that? First of all, define “cute” to the universe, or as an energy! Good luck with that! This is why I have always believed in the importance of absolute clarity in what I want and I can attest to how well this works for me.
A few years ago I was house hunting. At this point there were literally hundreds of houses to pick from. I knew I had to be specific, so I wrote down that I wanted a house with 3 bedrooms, at least 2 1/2 baths, a minimum of 1,400 sq.ft., two stories, a town house (because I didn’t want to worry about exterior painting or paving) and not further East than Azusa. I carried this list with me and this is what I ended up with about 1 month later: a town house in Azusa, two stories, 1497 sq.ft., 3 bedrooms, 3 baths.
After Yahoo laid me off I really didn’t want to work in search marketing anymore. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and for this time nothing manifested. I got annoyed and finally told my husband that I wanted to hunt bad guys for gaming, because I love gaming. About 6 weeks later I ended up in a large gaming company, building their fraud department.
After the relationship before my husband ended, I was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to meet anyone. I was bitter, sad, disappointed and I lost my faith in relationships. When I finally decided that a broken heart was not worth giving up on my ideals of romance and love, I made a list, encouraged by one of my best friends. The list contained two columns, “Must Have” and “Compromisable.” I was VERY specific in my list and left any superficial thing out. For example, I wanted to put that I prefer “tall” but my friend asked what I would do if my perfect mate is not so tall. She told me to instead put “must have chemistry with the person.” Chemistry includes all of it, attraction and desire. Hence, I wrote “must have chemistry with the person and must be sexually compatible.” I carried said list with me in my wallet and met Andrew, my husband, about three months later. I still carry my list in my wallet, btw! It is another reminder of how accurately this technique has always worked for me. When I look at my husband, he is every point on my must have column and even most of the points on the compromisable column. The rule my friend told me was that, under no circumstance, could I compromise on the “Must Haves.”
Equally important was being specific in who I wanted to be! So I created a list for things I wanted to change within me. I also included thanking the universe for all the great friends I did have. By doing so, I found a deep and profound appreciation for all the people and things that DID surround me, versus the people and things that did not. My appreciation was so overwhelming that I made another promise to myself and the universe, which stated that I would never settle again. That from now on, I would live my heart’s desire and that any relationships, situations, friendships and jobs that would not be true to that, or to becoming my higher self were no longer tolerated, or acceptable in my life.
Needless to say, I think THIS was the biggest and strongest word I could put out there. I met Andrew THREE DAYS after that (and yes, three months after the list). I think this is why it is so important to know who you are and what you want before you are manifesting the best in life. How could you possibly manifest anything of large magnitude, if you do not even know how to visualize it, or what “it” exactly entails? So I am saying to those who doubt “Love thyself and know thyself!” If you expect the best, you truly will get it. At least that has been my experience, many lists and years later down the road 
Permalink
12.07.09
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy at 1:05 pm by PsychicDonut
I have used this phrase a lot within the past 12 years. I have also told people where I got it from, but what is always asked over and over is “how?” How do I change my mind, what do you mean?
When I say “change your mind” I truly mean re-wire your brain. The question is not so much how one does it, but how dedicated are you to doing it? So, while I cannot really give you step-by-step instructions, I can tell you how I am doing it. This starts with a basic introduction of who I am, so here it goes: Hi, I am Carmen and I am a doom addict!
For as long as I can remember my happiness meter has been broken. I grew up in a severely dysfunctional and abusive home. The first 20 years of my life were so miserable that I sometimes don’t even know how I survived them. Depression was my constant companion and when I was 17 I tried killing myself. My brain had been conditioned, from the time I was born, to feel sadness, fear, anxiety and hopelessness, to the point where I started to recognize these emotions as excitement. You know that feeling of absolute terror? When your heart is pounding and it feels as if you fell from a great height? Feels a bit like going down a roller coaster, doesn’t it? Well, I started to think that these emotions were excitement and therefore sought out situations and people who could provide these feelings. Mind you, none of this was a conscious choice.
Soon I started to recognize “good” people as boring. They didn’t give me the rush I needed, so I avoided them. In my men I chose losers, addicts, cheaters, uneducated school drop-outs, emotionally unavailable, aloof and detached individuals, who were eager to continue whatever crappy cycle they had learned from their parents. I became the perfect martyr, unintentionally. I had decided a long time ago that I was worthless, unlovable, ugly, useless and stupid and I chose people who would prove that to me over and over and over.
I did therapy for a few years and learned some tools. I started studying different religions and philosophies. But to this day, nothing stuck with me more than the philosophies I learned within the brief period of studying ceremonial magick and kabbalah. There was something that rang true within grasping that *I* was the one responsible for my emotions, thoughts, actions and words, not another being. There was something I started to “get” regarding being the master of my own universe.
Of course, I dropped out. I dropped out because I felt so inauthentic studying something “so great,” when here I was, with the worst man I had ever encountered in my life, a sociopath. For years after I couldn’t believe in anything that strongly anymore. But every time anyone would ask me about “god” I would get this burst of energy, this passion that would bring out, what I considered, absolute truth. To this day I know in my heart that there is total truth in the teachings of the kabbalah. To this day I do not doubt that there is a higher power.
Hence, I would continue to read about quantum physics, unexplained phenomena, brain chemistry, magick, meditation and anything that would give me even the smallest shred of a tool to change my broken mind. The more I read, the more I understood that I was creating my miserable life. I understood that there were times when I was not given a choice, namely when I was a child, but I also knew that my adult life had been self-created. This plunged me even deeper into denial and depression, all the while hearing this nagging voice deep down inside yelling at me “STOP IT!” I didn’t know how to stop. I was addicted, once again, to unhappiness. It was so much easier to create crap and shitty relationships than creating good ones. I had no clue how to create something I didn’t know how to recognize to begin with.
I started watching and observing those who had truly happy lives. No, I have never met anyone who didn’t have hardship in their life, but it was the way they would handle the hardships. Two people were most inspirational to me, my friend Carren and my friend Lena. Both had endured huge hardships but neither one of them had given up. And no matter what crap was dealt to them, they managed to emerge victorious; never turning mean, bitter, rude or cynical, never lashing out at others. They had a light about them that inspired me and it also inspired me to know that they loved me for who I was. My other best friend, Jean, had another gift altogether which also inspired me. Jean is probably one of the most optimistic people I know. She never spews negativity or pessimism, even when she is feeling sad, which doesn’t happen all that much! Jean is predominantly truly one “friggin’ ray of sunshine.”
Over the years I have met numerous other women who inspired me. Women with strong convictions, women who shared the same code of ethics and honor, women who simply wouldn’t give in to “woe is me.” Most importantly, women who would call me on my shit, but in a gentle and caring way. Women who were not self-righteous and didn’t insist on point out how wrong I was, always coming from a place of love that inspired me to start “changing my mind.”
Spending years and years watching others being happy, I simply had enough one day. It was that very day I met Andrew, but that is besides the point. The fact is that I simply thought “OK, you’ve tried it your way for years and it hasn’t worked. Let’s try it another way.” Changing my mind literally means that I have to consciously be aware of what I feel and think throughout the day, EVER DAY! It means that when I start focusing on something negative that I have to stop myself, and focus on something positive. It means that instead of whining about what I do not have, I focus always on what I do have. I make lists and realize, I have a LOT! I do no longer feel a hole in my life, or lack, I feel abundance and I create from that.
When I want to nitpick my relationship apart, I have to stop and think how we met, how Andrew truly treats me and why I love him so much. I have to stop and remember all the time who Andrew is, instead of comparing him to others, or worse, concluding that he probably is like others.
There is a strange satisfaction for me in going down the “dark path.” It feels comfortable, because I know what lies behind every corner of misery and unhappiness. It is also much easier to push anyone away than taking the risk of them hurting me, or worse, leaving me. I have to stop myself all day long. It is like working out, I have to make it a habit, until one day it becomes my new second nature.
Every time I write, I have to re-read what I have written and when I see negativity, unkindness, or anything that doesn’t serve, I have to erase it. I don’t always succeed, as I said, hard-wiring is hard to overwrite, but I am getting better, every day.
What is also very hard is to not get caught up in my past. Certain holidays trigger certain memories. The worst for me are my birthday (which has sucked the previous 5 years before I met Andrew), Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. As these times approach I start remembering the things that happened in previous years. I get angry, I get sad, I want to confront the people who caused the pain and then I have to stop myself, remembering that I cannot change the past and then think of a happy memory.
The hardest one for me is still forgiveness. There is still a part of me that is angry, not because I think that anyone did bad things to me on purpose, but because they had a choice to NOT do these things and didn’t care enough about me to stop themselves. I still feel that there isn’t closure with some people because they never bothered to even apologize, but tugged tail and ran, presenting themselves as “good” people, as a victim, and me the crazy one. They are still justifying why they did the stuff they did to me and there are still plenty of those who buy into it.
Accepting that these people never will own up to the pain they have caused me is hard, but then I have to remember that it is in the past. This doesn’t help some of the flashbacks, for example one of my exes hitting on other girls right in front of me, telling me to “shut the f*** up” when I confronted him, telling me I was paranoid and then ending up hooking up with the same chick after he dumped me. There are times when I remember how painful it was to realize that I was lied to, or simply not important enough and then I have to remember my husband and how he is nothing like that.
None of this is easy. My brain has been conditioned over decades to almost “enjoy” pain. It knows how to deal with pain better than with good things. But what I have found within the past month is that by stopping myself every time, by consciously changing the path I am going down to, I started feeling euphoria. This is not an exaggeration! I do feel euphoria when I think of the future. I can now enjoy spending time with Andrew, because I don’t have to brace myself for something horrible to happen. I CHOOSE to tell him good things, I CHOOSE to not complain, nag or worse, try to control. I remind myself all the time that my life is no longer chaos, so I do not have to be so controlling of myself or others anymore. I remind myself that it is OK to let go, that I no longer have to stay awake at night, that I no longer have to imagine bad things, worry, or feel bitter. I have to remind myself of what is normal and what is not.
This is extremely difficult for me. It is like forcing the square peg into a round hole, but slowly my mind starts changing. So now I understand what my therapist meant well over 10 years ago when he said to me “Life depends on only one thing, making a choice. Change your mind, Carmen.”
While I cannot tell you how it works, I can only tell you to surround yourself with positive people. People who inspire you, people you aspire to be! Read, educate yourself and be mindful! Above all, be mindful, and if you choose, you too, can change your mind. Beware of ego and of your “story” and beware of the trap of insisting on being right, especially when insisting on how shitty your life truly is. Remember that when you insist on that, you truly create it. As I said, above all, be mindful, always.
Permalink
12.05.09
Posted in Spirituality/Philosophy at 11:28 am by PsychicDonut
Another awesome article I found. I happen to agree with all of them, of course!
7 Thoughts That Are Bad For You
Our personalities do more for us than determine our social circles. Temperament can impact a person’s physical health.
“The idea that behavior or personality traits can influence health is one that’s been around for a long time. We’re just now getting a handle on to what extent they do,” said Stephen Boyle of Duke University Medical Center in North Carolina.
From those with a chill demeanor to the completely frazzled types, mental factors are ultimately tied to physical health. And while a highly neurotic person might deteriorate more quickly than others, not every character trait will kill you. Some might even boost lifetimes.
– Jeanna Bryner
7 Thoughts That Are Bad For You
Credit: Stockxpert
-
Cynicism
Cynics who tend to be suspicious and mistrustful of others, a character trait that scientists refer to as hostility, may have an increased likelihood of developing heart disease. “These aren’t necessarily hot-headed people, but people who are more likely to read into people’s behavior as some hostile motive,” Stephen Boyle said during a telephone interview.
In a study of more than 300 Vietnam veterans who were healthy at the study start, Boyle found that those who scored high on measures of hostility were about 25 percent more likely to develop heart disease.
Boyle and his colleagues think that hostile individuals might experience more stress, which can cause spikes in an immune-system protein called C3 that has been linked with various diseases, including diabetes. In fact, the participants with higher scores on hostility showed an increase in these proteins while the non-hostile men showed no such increase.
7 Thoughts That Are Bad For You
Credit: Stockxpert
-
Lack of Meaning
If you lack a sense of purpose, your stay on Earth could be truncated. A study involving more than 1,200 elderly participants who didn’t have dementia at the study’s start found that those who indicated having a high purpose in life were about half as likely to die over the study period, which lasted up to five years. The results, published in the June 15 issue of the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, held regardless of a person’s age, sex, education and race, along with level of depression and neuroticism.
“Persons with high purpose readily derive meaning from and make sense of the events of their lives, and likely engage in behaviors and activities that they deem important,” said study researcher Patricia Boyle of the Rush Alzheimer’s Disease Center in Chicago.
Some other research has suggested that people with a higher sense of purpose may have different levels of stress hormones, better heart health or improved immune systems, though more research is needed to firm up any of these biological mechanisms, she said.
The opposite also holds: “The findings from our study suggested that people who no longer set and work actively toward goals or enjoy their day-to-day activities (how they spend their time) are those with greater mortality risk,” Boyle told LiveScience.
7 Thoughts That Are Bad For You
Credit: Stockxpert
-
Fretting
People who are highly neurotic – constantly worried and anxious, and prone to depression — die sooner on average than their chill counterparts. And a recently reported study of nearly 1,800 men followed over a 30-year period suggests that’s partly because neurotics are also more likely to smoke. Perhaps having a cigarette eases anxiety, said study researcher Daniel Mroczek of Purdue University in Indiana, adding that such a short-term payoff might not be worth it if it kills you down the line.
7 Thoughts That Are Bad For You
Credit: Stockxpert
-
Lack of Self-control
Late for appointments? Can’t keep your desk organized? No self-control? These seemingly benign qualities could take a toll on your health.
A review of more than 20 studies and nearly 9,000 participants revealed people who are conscientious — organized and self-disciplined, as opposed to impulsive — live two to four years longer than others. Study researcher Howard S. Friedman of the University of California, Riverside, suspects the boost in lifetime can be attributed partly to the fact that highly conscientious individuals are less likely to smoke or drink to excess, and live more stable and less stressful lives. The study is detailed in a 2008 issue of the journal Health Psychology.
7 Thoughts That Are Bad For You
Credit: Ingrid Mueller/Stockxpert
-
Anxiety
The jitters can put a strain on your noggin, research suggests. Compared with the highly frazzled, individuals with a mellow demeanor who are outgoing may be less likely to develop dementia, which can be caused by Alzheimer’s disease and other illnesses. The claim is based on a study that followed more than 500 elderly individuals for five years. Among the outgoing extroverts, dementia risk was 50 percent lower for participants who were calm compared with those who were prone to distress.
7 Thoughts That Are Bad For You
Credit: Dreamstime
-
Gloom and Doom
The gloomy, inhibited person is not just at a disadvantage socially, but also physically.
A preliminary study of more than 180 patients suffering from peripheral arterial disease (plaque buildup in the arteries) showed participants with so-called type D, or distressed, personality, had an increased odds of dying sooner than other people. Type-D people are more likely to experience negative emotions while at the same time hold in their feelings.
The researchers, who detail their work in the August issue of the journal Archives of Surgery, suggest the personality type is linked with the body’s immune system as well as stress response system.
7 Thoughts That Are Bad For You
Credit: Dreamstime
-
Stress
Whatever you do, don’t let this list worry you! Research is showing that prolonged stress can be deadly, and if it doesn’t do you in, workplace stress can increase your chances of heart disease, flu virus, metabolic syndrome and having high blood pressure.
A study of nearly 700 Israeli workers found that those who experienced job burnout (when work stress becomes unmanageable) were nearly twice as likely as others to develop type 2 diabetes, in which a person’s body becomes resistant to the sugar-regulating hormone called insulin.
And while a job promotion might boost your income, it also stresses you out. British researchers recently found that when people get promoted, they suffer on average about 10 percentmore mental strain and are less likely to find time to go to the doctor.
Permalink
11.05.09
Posted in Spirituality/Philosophy at 6:20 pm by PsychicDonut
As we know, we human beings are rather flaky and we’ll always come up with a million excuses why we don’t do the right thing, and while living in denial is our friend. I am no different in that department and now that I have turned 40 (ugh) I had to realize that I really haven’t been taking care of myself all that well. Perfecting the art of “executive lunching” (wolfing down your lunch while working at your desk), as well as diets, ulcers and plain and simple aging has pretty much sent my metabolism to hell. Plus, smoking didn’t really help the whole health picture either.
It is easy to become comfortable when you are happy. Knowing that my husband not only loves me, but thinks I am hot no matter what, didnt’ really motivate me to do anything more than I did the past few years, namely nothing. When I finally went to the doctor she told me that being 40 means that my body is getting ready for menopause (WTF?!) and therefore only uses half of the fuel it used to use. Hence, eating “normal” will now make me gain weight. Of course, this sent me straight into a hole of self-pity and justifications for why I couldn’t go to the gym. And of course, I blamed gaining 15 lbs on turning 40.
In the past two months I have therefore altered my “head” and started eating differently. I avoided most carbs and ate more protein and greenery. I also tried to avoid processed foods or sugars. Result, none! I didn’t gain any more weight, but sure as hell didn’t lose any either. So, I signed up for hypnotherapy. This helped me to reinforce some good habits about eating, but it didn’t really change my metabolism. Now, as we know, there is really no accountability unless one gives their spoken word and announces their intent to the world. So, with a heavy heart I am doing just that now:
Yes, I have quit smoking. I haven’t told anyone because I wanted to have a bigger period than just a week. I have quit for over a month now, and yes, I have asked my doctor for Wellbutrin, which worked like a charm on me.
Yes, I am eating differently. Fast food is pretty much wiped from the menu and my beloved bread has been reduced to a healthy level and is no longer the main food for me. But, here is the biggest and hardest one of all:
I have spent my hard earned dollars and signed up for THIRTY one-hour sessions with a personal trainer. Three times a week I will swing my wobbly, puddingnesque self into the gym to lose any extra pounds I may have accumulated over the years. *sigh, there it is*
I thank my lovely husband for loving me no matter what and therefore inspire me to become a “better,” healthier and thinner me. I know he never cared and he still looks at me as if I am the prettiest thing ever, but I always felt that it isn’t fair to let myself go, just because I know I am loved. So, where I have been rebellious before (“YOU don’t change me/tell me what to do”), I now feel inspired to do, what I should have done a long time ago, BECAUSE Andrew looks at me and treats me the way he does. I owe him a long and healthy life and eating crap and smoking does not contribute to that.
Now it’s official. My intent has been stated and declared to the universe. Now I HAVE to keep my word. Now I have no vices anymore 
I am including a “before” picture, and while I don’t have the heart to show a “full-body” shot, I think my face tells how much weight I have gained. This was taken on my birthday party and I am officially labeling it the “before picture.”
Permalink
10.07.09
Posted in Spirituality/Philosophy at 1:00 pm by PsychicDonut
Ha, before you get all bent out of shape here, let me “asplain.” This isn’t my statement, but the statement of my best friend in the whole world; which I will not name to ensure privacy
I had an interesting conversation recently with said person. We were talking about a couple friends who had found “god,” or shall I say “Christianity” due to strenuous life situations. I argued that there is nothing wrong with finding solace in a higher power, if it helps people to get over trauma. My best friend argued that it isn’t “god” or the “bible” that helps people to get over these things, but the community. He said that he can appreciate people who read the bible and find hope, but found that most people who belong to any organized religion get sucked in by the ”other sheep” who become their network of hope and strength.
I was arguing back and forth, when it dawned on me what he was saying. His beef was not with religion per se, but with the sheep mentality, especially those who keep talking about having found god, even though they have no idea what is written in the bible. He argued that most people never even bother to read any scripture or learn for themselves, but follow the “community” who make them feel as if they belong and as if THEY have the answers.
I was taken aback by how much he dislikes religion. It has always been a sore subject for him, but I didn’t have all that much to argue about the way he was approaching it. What makes it kind of sad is that there are a few Christian run programs, like AA, that are ineffective for people who are not Christian. I have known a couple people who refused going to AA because they couldn’t take the “preaching” or “Jesus” talk.
It’s not that I am bagging on Christianity, but it is, in fact, the largest religion on the planet. 60% of the world population are Christians. So that makes it rather hard to choose a religion like Hinduism, or Buddhism. Plus, neither Hinduism, nor Buddhism “recruits” for their beliefs and I have yet to be stopped by either a Hindi or Buddhist who tried to point out the “error of my ways,” judged me based on my beliefs or looks, or fought with another person based on their claim that their god is better than the other, and that all other people who believe differently would suffer horrible faiths/are sinners and go to hell.
What fascinates me is how far people take their beliefs. And yet it proofs the argument my best friend made. How can one spread a message of solace, peace and salvation, while threatening those who believe differently? How can you convince anyone about a loving god, while you are out there hating, judging, preaching and doing the wrong thing?
To me it never mattered what any one person believed or worshipped. My curiosities in the past regarding certain faiths, religions or philosophies were predominantly based on watching the actions and words of those who studied them and then feeling inspired. I never did become curious about a bunch of people who followed anything because “a book” or another told them so.
I do believe that we are now living in an age of science, (hopefully) reason and awakening. I think that there are certain beliefs that are shared across faiths, religions and philosophies. And those I have always called “Universal Truths.” While I wished at times that someone or something told me how to live my life and what to believe, thereby taking any accountability or responsibility away from me, I found that I can’t authentically function like this, because I know “the truth,” to a degree.
So, while I do not hate religion, I am saddened that I live in a country that was founded on the freedom of religion and yet has such a high population of people who keep spreading hate and ignorance to those who believe differently. I quote yet again the bumper sticker of this “well educated,” SUV driving Muppet spotted on the freeway “No Muslim Will Be My President.”
I have high hopes for the human race. I guess that is why they call me an idealist.
Permalink
