Let’s just say for a moment that Jesus truly did exist and truly was this super-powered Son of God. In this case, he resurrected after death and lives now with God in heaven. Well, if he and God are watching from up there, they must be disgusted by what his so called followers are doing these days. Talk about a blatant misrepresentation of his teachings; even I know that and I am not even a Christian!

I am not a Christian but I did go to church as a kid for confirmation and I did read numerous parts of the bible. Oddly enough, I do not remember a single part in the bible that told me to hate anyone, quite on the contrary!  
However, given that the God of the New Testament seems a bit mushy, I am going to go with the God from the Old Testament, because this guy kicked some serious butt. I want precisely THAT god to come down from wherever he is at and do some serious smiting! And while he is at it, he should bring Jesus and the gang, as well as some archangels for reinforcement and smite those crazy fanatics who call themselves “Christians” and “god-fearing folks,” while spreading hatred, bigotry and pure evil; thereby giving all the true Christians a bad name!

It is totally irrelevant what I believe, but I find it saddening that calling oneself a Christian is now almost a bad thing, something one has to be ashamed of. None of my Christian friends are homophobic, evil, spreaders of hatred and fear. Watching how these “Christians” crash funerals of gay people, carrying signs that read “God hates Fags,” etc. makes me not only want to puke, but makes me pray to whatever god there might be, just so he can smite these jerks. How anyone can justify pure evil actions by claiming they are doing them in the name of a god is beyond my comprehension. I guess, I must have listened to and read different scriptures, or maybe I am simply not smart enough to have their elevated level of understanding regarding the bible.

I think it would be truly awesome if one day, while these ass hats are demonstrating yet again, a huge beam of light would form over their heads (just as one can see in lots of renaissance paintings) and THE God would come down, along with possibly Jesus to greet his faithful followers. I then want God to possibly open the grounds, maybe saying something like “yo, Satan, come on up. I’ve got some newcomers for ya,” while archangel Michael is swinging his sword threateningly over their heads; maybe he would shoot some fireballs, burning down their signs, but making sure they are not harmed. Then I want Satan to come up and happily announce that they will rot in hell, being sodomized for all eternity. Ah, god times!

After this is finished, I want the thunderous voice of god to echo through the air, while showing up on every single television, in every single language, in every single imagined form (god, alah, buddha, etc.) proclaiming that further douche-baggery would no longer be committed in his name and that all who killed, hated and caused harm while claiming to do his work, would be smoten, smited? Well, you get the idea!

I will never understand how any scripture can be so blatantly misinterpreted and used for one’s own means. I will never understand how people can preach that they are doing any god’s work, while slandering, humiliating, hating and trying to destroy people. What a screwed up interpretation of god! I don’t care what religion you follow! The hating that has been done in the name of “god” across the planet is not only insane, but shouldn’t be a part of the 21st century anymore. Sometimes it feels as if I am still stuck in the dark ages!
Alas, no smiting god will come down, no police can arrest these evil nutjobs, because they are merely exercising their freedom of speech. What would happen if they’d wake up one day with the true understanding that they are the one doing the evil!? But at least some of us out there are spreading the true word of, what I believe, all spiritual paths are truly preaching: Love, Peace, Tolerance and Kindness!

How often do we go on about how much we regret certain choices that we have made in the past? It’s a rather silly activity to engage in, since none of us can go back in time to change the things we are going on about.

What if I could go back in time? Would I change anything? And if so, what?? I have been pondering this question and even though some experiences really kicked my butt spiritually, emotionally and psychologically, I am still not sure I would change them. Who knows if I would be the same person if I hadn’t had the bad experiences? Who knows who I would be? Would I be as grateful? Would I work so hard to “improve” myself and strive for balance?

There are numerous situations I can look back upon, which will provide me with enough guilt to last a lifetime…if I let it! There are so many things I would have done differently, situations where I would have done the opposite, I would possibly have changed my reactions, changed my attachment, my views, my behaviors and on and on the list goes. But the fact remains, I didn’t! I can’t go back and change it and I wonder how I would have turned out if I would have done the “right” thing. Would I have learned the same valuable lessons?

The past just is and while my feelings may be valid, they are not necessarily factual, nor do they give me the right to act out. Just because a person/situation triggers me, does not mean they are actually responsible for my triggers. I, and only I, own my triggers and how I react to them. I do not get to act out on any of my feelings ever again! This is the lesson I wished I would have learned 15 years ago. But then again, would I be where I am at now?

There is a whole new thought process going on in my head now. I sheepishly and also somewhat shamefully look back upon some of my “reactions” to how I felt and shake my head. Sighing and hanging my head in shame, I admit that I brought on so many of the strange, bizarre, bad and painful situations I experienced. I often escalated the “bad,” because I would not walk away, wouldn’t let it go, but would act out on my feelings. I would stomp my foot like a 3 year old (in my head that is), and proclaim to myself that I would never, ever be silenced again and believed that “sharing EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT (good, bad and indifferent), meant that I was honest. All the things I considered “bad” that had been done to me, I fought by doing the exact opposite. Guess how my world looked like? Black and white, entirely missing gray or any other colors for that matter.

As I am learning boundaries and to walk the path in the middle, the gray one that is, I also look back and think “What’s done is done!” I no longer feel the need to obsess over it or beat myself up some more over the things I “should have done and said.” Would I change it? Would I change a single thing? I am not sure I would. I can only say that there once was a time where I would have jumped at such an opportunity without hesitation. Where I would have said “HELL YES! Let me go back and change all kinds of things!” Now I think I would have to think long and hard about it.

I am starting to see how balance looks like. But would I have recognized the need and want for that if I wouldn’t have existed almost entirely in extremes my whole life? I’ve lost a lot of people throughout my life, quite a few due to my words and actions. Some I miss and some I don’t. But the point is there are still quite a few standing. Maybe because they always knew that I had it in me to truly share intimacy. Recently I learned the  true meaning of intimacy! Intimacy is sharing without judgment. Turns out, the one thing I wanted the most in life, was the one thing I absolutely couldn’t do myself. But, no need to cry over spilt milk. After all, one does have full control over the now and future actions. And better to get it right later than never at all

I spent a large part of my life trying to find “unique” individuals. When I was a teenager I used to think that all those who looked different and followed a different set of rules had to be different as well. I embarked on a journey of finding true individuals; creative souls and seekers of truth, unafraid to voice their opinions, out to make a difference and leading by sheer example. Being a diehard idealist and wanting to see the good in everyone made it fairly easy to find what I thought I was looking for. And so my search brought me to all the different groups and sub-cultures, ranging from the Goths over steam punks, gutter punks, long-haired rock dudes, nerds and finally pagans of all paths, such as Wiccans, ceremonial magicians, kabbalists, witches and warlocks, as well as other religious folks. 

I have learned a lot and met some interesting people, listened to some interesting view points and lifestyle choices and yet predominantly found disappointment. The more “different” a group was, the more they all became the same. Individualism was greatly diminished, once the group, or how I called them, “the herd,” dictated what was cool, acceptable, “normal,” and desirable. In their endeavor to stand out and be different they all became the same to me, shining with intolerance, judgmental and snobbish behaviors, stupidity, catty backstabbing, badmouthing and betraying each other, while singing the praises of their loyalty, open-mindedness and individuality.

 Being “different” usually translated into the license to be mean, rude and utterly self-centered, while hiding severe psychological issues under a wide array of costumes, make up and ceremonies that meant as little to them as to anyone else and had just as little or no effect in their life or anyone else’s. Saddened and severely disappointed I retrieved into my own shell and pretty much started avoiding most people from my mid-twenties on. I felt severely wounded and disillusioned by my findings and couldn’t understand how those who should know all about intolerance and superficiality were sporting those exact behaviors, calling it “acceptance” and “open mindedness.” Not giving a damn at all or caring enough to ever really voice an opinion to another’s face, not ever getting involved into another’s life (calling that neutral and not taking sides) and living mere existences of mediocrity and small-mindedness, while claiming that they had “stuck it to the man,” and achieved freedom of mind and spirit while getting addicted to substances, sex and alcohol, was the common behavioral patterns I observed. To me, there was nothing liberating or enticing about any of it.

 So I moved on to the “enlightened” group of spiritualists, pagans and other religious folks, to find predominantly a bunch of renfaire clothes sporting hedonists, who used spiritual teachings as a license to manipulate, while appearing as if they were actually doing something of importance. A lot of them claimed in excess of ten years in experience and knowledge, while their lives were falling apart and they had no more or less power than the next person to manifest or cause change. The longer the title, the more experience they claimed, the less I usually found behind the smoking mirror. And yet, the allure all of them had over the “normal” folks was not just astounding, but also puzzling to me. The more bizarre a notion, the more followers one could find, regardless of path or religion.

 Now that I am in my 40s I found that the most enlightened, most creative, most interesting individuals are often those you’d never make out in the crowd. They would often show themselves in the most mundane clothing, they wouldn’t always sport a vast amount of tattoos or piercings and they hardly ever claimed a title or specific style. They simply were. They stood out by walking to the beat of their own drum. Sometimes they would dress differently, sometimes they wouldn’t, but they all stood out by not trying to be different or by not trying to really be anything at all besides being true to themselves. They usually would have a tolerance that was inspiring to me and a sense of humor about life, not ever taking themselves or anything all that serious. They never felt a need to preach or push their beliefs on another and would inspire by the way they lived life and the choices and decisions they made.

 I look around me and notice that nothing has changed. People like Lady Gaga stand out by wearing bizarre clothing, just as the goths did way back when to me when I was a teenager. People appear to be so unique and different and then they speak and poof, the individuality and original “coolness” goes down the drain. But for most it is the exterior that counts, for that what appears cool or pretty, must be so by design. And so human beings continue to be fooled by that which seems, versus that which actually is.

 We do not see the true leaders and inspirational ones, because the squeaky wheels and those who scream the loudest are still heard the most. The fanatics demonstrate, disturb and smear, while the Dalai Lamas of the world quietly observe and spread peace by action. How we have it all backwards and know so little, while looking in the wrong places for purpose and quality of life. My question to those who still believe that coolness lies with exterior qualities and being passive and indifferent is this, who will remember how you looked, if you never shined with your mere way of being?

When we try to interfere with another’s path by offering help that is not wanted, by advising, trying to rescue, keep extending ourselves and judging, we will never have an impact. All we will do is turn resentful, as they will turn resentful towards us. We won’t be effective, and we won’t ever be able to spread our light. We will be told that we are judgmental, harsh, controlling or unreasonable and the mission we set out to do, no matter how noble the intent, will fail.

We spread our light by loving unconditionally. Sometimes this means we have to love silently and release. We do not hold on, we let go of all attachment towards another’s behavior towards us or them. We also let go of any attachment we have to ourselves. We know our path, but we are not attached to it.

We state our boundaries. Loving unconditionally does not mean we turn into doormats. We reserve the right to decline, to say “no, thank you,” then smile and walk away. We reserve the right to part ways or not invite into our lives, but we do so with kindness and compassion. We understand that others are not like us and that is OK.

We do not hold on to another’s pain. We are empaths, but we practice the silent loving and releasing. We do not hold resentment, negativity, disappointment, anger, sadness and despair, because we do not observe from judgment. We do not walk into another’s life, room or situation, quickly evaluating what is wrong and then focusing on that. We do not seek that which is wrong, or does not serve our highest purpose. We do not stick our noses into another’s business, which does not equal to being passive and indifferent.

We understand that by stating our disappointment, anger, sadness and grievances, we create more of the same, for the subconscious does not discriminate. So if I state “my friend betrayed me,” the subconscious only heard “betrayed” and will create more situations of betrayal. We do not feed our subconscious with self-destructive messages.

We shine a light; a beacon if you will that shines so bright that only those with an equally bright light are attracted. We no longer attract those who walk in the shadows, because we no longer grant permission or create a pathway for them to enter our lives. We teach from joy, instead of teaching from being a martyr, because we no longer have an attachment to teaching. We teach by being us and by example of our own lives and paths. And we start noticing how everything around becomes more peaceful, more quiet and less painful. We watch the drama, the noise and the entire struggle subside and we find ourselves leading extraordinary lives, being human and yet being divine. 

What is the difference between psychic and intuitive? People often ask this question, especially those who wonder if they are one or the other. So what is the difference, and is there one at all, or is it all the same?

There is, in fact, a difference between being psychic and being intuitive. Although, being incredibly intuitive can also lead to being psychic. There are a few subtle differences and a few very obvious ones.

Intuition
Intuition is something all people have. Sure, some people have stronger intuition than other, but to a degree intuition is present in all human beings. Intuition is our “instinct.” It’s that feeling that the person you are talking to is lying. It’s the constant vibes we are getting throughout the day on the job, when meeting new people, when having conversations and interacting with others. Intuition is usually felt and built upon by previous experiences, teachings and environment. It is our “animal” instinct and often very prone in children. Instinct is also usually not necessarily passive. In other words, it often serves as a warning system and entails a direct benefit to us and our well-being, or the well-being of those we care about and love.

Psychic Ability
Psychic ability often starts with strong intuition and the ability to trust that. It is what happens after the initial gut feeling and, depending on being clairvoyant, clairaudient or clairsentient, involves other areas of the body. Most of the time, psychic “visions” are detached from one’s own being. In a psychic vision one is a mere bystander and witnesses what is happening like an observer. It does not really follow rhyme or reason and sometimes doesn’t even make sense. It usually happens for others, meaning most “visions” happen for others and not so much for oneself. The details one gets from a psychic vision are more prominent, usually do not require any knowledge of the person, who they are or what experiences they may have had. The details usually show things no stranger could have possibly known and do not depend on time or space, i.e. can involve details from a person’s past.

When one has a psychic vision there is often a feeling of “absentness.” It feels as if one has temporarily “left the body” and a movie starts rolling behind one’s eyes, literally showing life events and situations of the person one zooms in on. There is a generally detached observation involved, which is  totally absent of “judgment.” In other words, the fact that one loves or cares for a person is irrelevant. This is why it is also unimportant if one knows the person well, or has never met them at all.

How or why this works is still a mystery to me. I have tried to find a scientific explanation for this for years and so far have failed. I do not claim to know if there is an “outer source,” i.e. a supernatural being or god at work, or if it is an inner source, i.e. the brain. I also highly recommend looking up the phrase “indigo children.”

I didn’t coin this phrase and don’t know who did, but a friend of mine, who is a Reiki Master, uses it. I have met many wounded healers in my lifetime and I have been a wounded healer myself for numerous years.

Wounded healers are those who always appear to have the answers. We know how to heal others, we give the greatest advice, we inspire and help, but we don’t do it for ourselves. We have endless compassion, patience and love for broken souls, but we do not extend the same love, compassion and kindness to ourselves. We forgive the ones who have used and hurt us, but we don’t forgive ourselves. We have an uncanny eye for another’s downfall and do nothing to stop our own. We coach, we love, we inspire, we instruct and find ourselves stuck in the wrong situations with the wrong people time and time again. Such as is the path of the wounded healer.

The greatest ability  goes only so far and actually becomes ineffective, if you cannot learn to love and help yourself. If you cannot love and honor yourself, your “gifts” will lose their power. And before long, you’ll appear like a hypocrite. Wandering about being the relationship fixer for others seemed ridiculous after a while, when I was dating an abuser, or cheater, or selfish guy, taking it to the chin and looking the other way. Telling someone about the importance of balance between mind, body, heart and spirit, while I was smoking a cigarette and letting my body go to hell, didn’t really fall on open ears either. Trying to raise self-awareness in individuals, as I found myself unable to follow my own advice, didn’t inspire a soul, at least not for long.

I had to heal my wounds before I could be of any use to anyone else. As I learned to focus and set out on the path to take care of myself, as I learned to let go of my attachment to others around me, an interesting thing started happening. Suddenly, as I withdrew and started sharing instead of preaching, I started to inspire people. I was heard differently, because I was leading by example and simply sharing my findings, versus trying to change another. My tone was calmer, less combative and accusing. I didn’t need to rant anymore. Before, when I would go off on a topic, I would usually piss people off, because how were they supposed to know that I was really spewing self-loathing? My disgust that I openly voiced about others, was often disgust about myself. I kept trying to set the wrong things right and didn’t realize that this quest would have to start with me.

This path I started on a mere year and a half ago finally brought me the peace of mind I so desperately wanted. I have more tolerance and love these days, because I am not constantly angry anymore at my inability to live the life I want. I am more understanding and accepting, I don’t need to change anyone’s mind, because I have everything and everyone I need right here by my side. I have more love in my life than I ever had. I have abundance and health, beauty, laughter and joy and when I “engage in battle” I do so out of conviction, not because I want to change the individual. I get involved much less these days and I choose my battles wisely. More so than ever, it truly is all about quality and not about quantity. Quite a few people dropped out of my life and yet, I am not lonely or bored. Some of them I miss, but not for the people they are or were to me, but for the people I saw in them or wanted them to be.

Not all my pieces are whole just yet, but I am no longer a wounded healer either. I am finally learning boundaries and I am learning that it is ok to walk away from situations or people who are not aiding my growth or well-being. Saying “no” is still a bit difficult, and there are times when I still get so angry or feel sad over past events. But then I take a deep breath, tell myself that I have a choice in how I feel, or I work out. And by the time my work out is over, I am so high on endorphins, I usually can’t even remember what I was so angry or sad about.

I don’t know too many words that cause as much of a stir than the word “psychic.” Thanks to tons of scammers, trying to sell you “spell remover candles” for hundreds of dollars and the likes of Madame Cleo, even those who are genuinely gifted are immediately sneered upon and hated.

We could have tons of debates here, arguing back and forth about the scientific evidence of psychic abilities and those who claim that all the research was false. We could talk about the army trying to hone these abilities for their own good and we would find someone who would claim that the whole remote viewing experiment was made up. It isn’t my intent to persuade people one way or the other, because I have learned that those who insist on a point are hardly ever changing their mind, regardless what one says.

But what if psychic ability is just another skill our brain can pick up? What if I gave, what I think, is a scientific explanation for psychic ability? Would it shed light, or would people just tell me I am crazy? I guess, it doesn’t matter. But given that I work for a psychic hotline (no, not as a psychic!), I would like to share what I think attributed to my very own ability to “foresee” events  and to sense true cores of individuals. I would also like to offer my own interpretation for why these abilities are not foolproof and why they did not provide me with a carefree life.

I grew up in an abusive home. This is about as much detail as I am going to give. I will say that a therapist of mine once stated that it is a miracle that I didn’t end up in a psych ward, rocking back and forth, while staring at the walls. I attribute this to my psychic ability. Most children grow up honing their five senses. I learned, before I was even 4 years old, that the five senses are the most easily deceived ones. I learned to hone my “sixth sense.” I learned to read every nuance of a voice, body language, the way someone walked, the way their eyes would look at me and I learned how to predict what would happen next. I learned this with so much accuracy that I survived, ensuring I was never in the wrong place at the wrong time. I needed to know the future, there was no other way for survival and for me doing these things was just as “normal” as it is to practice reading for any other child. I learned how to sit still and leave my body. I learned how to astral travel and I did it so well that other people would notice me at times, telling me that they saw me in their room at night, even though I was hundreds of miles away.

I did not share this ability with anyone. I was ashamed and felt already different as it was. I kept pushing it away and when I reached my teenage years, I just used my “great intuition” to predict outcomes of relationships for my friends. They’d even ask me to ”use my seventh sense” (den siebten Sinn) in German. When I was 19 I met a psychic who told me that my memory would come back within the next few years. It did. I predicted the Northridge quake, I had constant dreams of things that were about to happen, I would “see” where people were at when I would concentrate on them and I started to freak people out. Plus, I started running into absolute and total resentment with a few friends who were furious about my predictions coming true.

No, I did NOT see this as a great way to make myself look awesome. I tried to hide it, I never called it “being psychic” and I learned reading tarot, just so I could put people’s minds at ease. I could say “the cards say so.” This made people feel better. They don’t react too kindly to someone who goes into a kind of trance and then first starts reciting their past (especially the things not even their best friends know) and then goes into detail about their future.

What I have learned is that people don’t want to be told the things they don’t want to hear. People will ask for advice but really mean someone who keeps supporting their delusions. I also learned that no one can predict the future 100%, because there is always free will. I therefore added a clause to my readings “this is the most likely outcome, based on the current path you are on.” There is no carved in stone message, although most really good psychics will be fairly accurate, because most humans are not people who change a whole lot, or alter their paths a lot.

Reading for oneself is extremely difficult! So is reading for those we love. We have a harder time being neutral. No, I don’t want to tell my best friend that the guy she just met is an abusive douche bag who will cheat on her. No, I don’t want to see that the friend I hired into my company will put my reputation on the line and then turn on me. No, I don’t want to take a look at the fact that the guy I am dating is incapable of love, even though I know it from the first time we go out. I want to give the benefit of the doubt and I really do want to be wrong when my “psychic donuts” show me something I really could have done without.

It is my mind and my heart that would screw things up for me. My “sixth sense” was never wrong, but my head and my heart were wrong a lot. By the time I would talk myself out of the first instinctive message I’d get, I’d find myself already with the wrong people, in the wrong relationship and ending up enduring a whole bunch of pain and hurt. Some of which, I never did recover from all that well.

People may believe whatever they want, but my life did not transform into the gem it is right now, UNTIL I cut out the head and heart and followed my instincts 100%. I have never been happier. I made a “deal” with the universe many years ago and asked them to turn “the psychic billboard off.” I no longer see the things that do not serve my higher purpose, or the higher purpose of the one who asks me to read for them. I also no longer read for everyone who asks. I am very selective and I never do smoking mirror tricks. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I am not trying to appear glamorous and no, I don’t know the lotto numbers any more than the next. But what I do have is an uncanny ability to sense danger, to sense a “good path,” or how to help another who might be in a bad place. I have learned that I have a gift that helps others and I use it for only that; and so do the real psychics.

We are not a bunch of circus freaks who try to scam anyone. We are just a bunch of people who have learned to use a certain part of our “brain” to help others and ourselves from entering into paths that don’t serve us. I still feel isolated and “ashamed” of being different, but I am happy to proclaim that I have helped quite a few to find their path, achieve a goal, or lined them up with their higher purpose.

When I look at those who shun abilities that are not explainable, I always tell them to consider the source. For how could I claim that all religious people are a bunch of sheep and idiots, when I look at the Dalai Lama? And how could I ridicule some psychics I know who are out there every day, trying to make a difference and doing it under the radar. I will also state that there is “something” else that is there when I read. Because honing my senses as a child still doesn’t explain how I would at times know details of a person’s past, amongst other things. But what I wanted to do is show, that even when we keep spirituality out of it, we humans can do amazing things.

I know numerous people who react almost violently when anyone talks about religion or spirituality. As soon as a person states that they subscribe to a certain belief or church, up come the judgmental sneers and commentary from some who claim they know better.

I recently watched Bill Maher’s “Religulous.” I thought the whole thing was rather funny and in some areas quite brilliant. I happen to agree with him on numerous points, but that doesn’t mean I ridicule any of my friends who are Christians, Buddhists, Wiccans or Hindus!

Why do most people have an issue with religion, especially Christianity and Islam? Isn’t it the fact that there are numerous fanatics out there who feel a need to force their world views on another, preach, condemn and judge? So why do the same rules not apply across the board? Personally, I have an issue with anyone who ridicules and belittles those who believe or think differently. I don’t care how much research you have done and what you know, there is simply no reason to insult and belittle those who did drink the Kool Aid. If you are one of the overly educated atheists who claim you have “absolute proof that no higher power exists,” well, good for you! It still doesn’t give you the right to be mean spirited and a fanatic on the other end of the spectrum. If you belittle people for drinking the spiritual Kool Aid, you can’t be an ass hat, just because you drank the atheist Kool Aid!

I, too, have done my research and have reached my own conclusions. I am not a sheep, nor am I a mindless zombie. I am not a Christian, but I can safely say that my Christian friends are not idiots. They are not uneducated hicks who follow blindly, nor are they people who discriminate or insist on having the answers. The friends I am referring to are actually highly educated, intelligent and especially KIND people! They have an honorable code of ethics, which allows them to accept people, regardless of beliefs.

I have met quite a few atheists in my life. Most are actually agnostics, not atheists, but the few true ones I have met are equally annoying as Born Again Christians or Jehovah’s Witnesses are to me. Their adamant insisting on “knowing the truth,” always turns me off. The “evidence” they quote is no different on either side of the fanatic fence! And the truth is, there are a few things I have observed about true atheists I have met.

 Most of them shined with arrogance, cynicism and sarcasm. None of them struck me as particularly happy, seemed to have meaningful or close relationships and generally lead pretty lonely lives. Being void of any type of spirituality usually also meant that they couldn’t grasp the concept of love either. The few I have met did fairly well for themselves financially, and had no one to share it with. I remember one of them, a friend I had for many years in Germany. He was an absolute genius and holds patterns on things I can’t even pronounce. I also remember him telling me that there is no use in even hoping for a relationship, because most women weren’t even closely as intelligent as he is. He therefore chose porn stars, strippers, or significantly younger girls he could impress with his fancy Mercedes or penthouse. When I lost contact with him, we had known each other for well over 10 years. He didn’t have a single lasting or meaningful relationship in that entire time. I can guarantee that he remained unmarried and miserable to this day. Because that is exactly what he also told me, that he was miserable!

When I look at a man like the Dalai Lama, when I listen to his interviews or just observe how he carries himself, I am humbled. There is no doubt in my mind that this man is definitely an “enlightened soul.” When I remember back on some horrible childhood memories, I remember how my “faith” carried me through all of it. I never gave up, I didn’t get broken, because I believed in something outside of me. I didn’t blindly believe, I believed based on my own evidence, which I choose to not share with people, unless I actually know and trust them. I am a person who likes science and numbers, I do my research and I am not arrogant enough to claim that I truly know what is “up” there, or isn’t for that matter. I don’t force my beliefs on another and I don’t wander about claiming that I have the answers.

If some form of faith or spiritual belief gives a person a sense of peace, well-being and happiness, why tell them they are being stupid? If a belief carried a person through their darkest hours and saved their life, what is it to another and why would anyone feel a need to belittle or ridicule them? How can a person get angry because they don’t want to be preached to  by some religious nut, while they wander around doing the same, preaching about  their lack of belief? Isn’t that hypocritical?

I hate to break it to the non-believers and I get that you will never understand it; quite frankly, I don’t need you to get it. But if I have the choice to believe that there is truly something extraordinary out there, a light that gives people hope and comfort, versus my brain chemistry producing certain images when being presented with certain stimuli, I believe that there is something great. And if science has the answers to all of it, then I wonder why they cannot explain certain phenomena just yet and why they cannot reproduce the same results consistently, i.e. near-death experiences. And next time you sit on your high horse, ridiculing people, I invite you to tell a child who is fighting cancer or is being severely abused at home that there is no higher power. For me, faith of some kind gives me hope and happiness. It keeps me in check when I want to be a Muppet and reminds me that “what goes around comes around.” It does no harm to me, and isn’t that what we wish for the ones we love or like?

I simply wished that all the fanatics would finally shut the hell up. I don’t care if you worship Allah, Jesus, Jehovah, little green men or nothing at all. I just wished there was more tolerance and less fighting and harming each other. I drank the Kool Aid alright! But it’s the one for compassion, kindness, tolerance and the pursuit of my happiness without forcing it on another!

Now, coming back to how our words matter. If I am an upbeat, light-hearted person, if I am dedicated to treating people with love, compassion and kindness, chances are I will attract predominantly others who do the same. This is why our words are so important. I, for example, have decided to no longer allow situations or individuals in my life who do not serve my higher self. It does not mean that I am vicious, mean or angrily discard whoever doesn’t agree with me!  There is a huge difference in that. An example would be a friend I have on FB who is not only cynical, but a die-hard atheist. He is, however, not a negative or mean person; he’s not a downer. Hence, I welcome his words, because when he disagrees he does so in a intelligent and coherent manner. People with different ideas challenge me and provide room for growth, which I welcome, as  long as they are intelligent and kind. Attacking another, lashing out, being passive aggressive, mean, belittling or using bad language to bring your point across is not ever acceptable!

No, what I am talking about is intent, namely our core values, character if you will. Being dishonest, disloyal, mean, two-faced, insulting, constantly depressed, passive aggressive or “broken” in any other way that actually affects others, affords me the right to quietly! walk away. I have no attachment to changing you, or “make you see the light.” I do, however, have an attachment to only sharing time and space with individuals who support my mental, emotional and spiritual growth. So how we conduct ourselves matters big time, across ALL MEDIUMS!

People who know me will attest to the fact that I am always the “same.” I do not speak, write or act differently on the job, as I do at home. I do not have an “online” persona, I never created a false profile, I never posted pictures that were 10 years old, depicting me when I was younger and thinner, to make myself look better. I am who I am across the  board. I am well aware that the words I put out there have an effect on people. I am aware that they create an image of me and I have learned to be careful with my spoken word, because I don’t randomly want to throw up whatever is in my head. These days I am making it a point to think before I speak and to realize that writing negative, angry or accusatory words will only create the same in return. I am aware that no one is ever going to be inspired by rants that point fingers and make people feel bad about themselves. I am also no longer so attached to who is reading my words. I no longer want to “change” people and I realize that some people will not hear me no matter what choice of words I use and no matter what my intent is. The only control I do have is control over myself!

The only way for me to overcome my debilitating weaknesses is by hanging out with those who don’t  bring them out consistently and who don’t drag me back to a place I am trying to leave behind. I am careful with what I write and how I word it. I do feel a great sense of happiness, calm and peace these days and I have to make sure that I am not feeding the beast from the past. I choose to not be a bitter, judgmental and sad person. The difference between now and then is I CHOOSE CONSCIOUSLY.

So for those who claim that their words have no power, think again! Your words have more power than you might realize. Having to choose words more carefully also means thinking more carefully about the state of mind and emotion we are in. Choosing different words means choosing different emotions and a different mindset. And our mind, emotions and words do create our reality and do attract whatever it is we put out there. So before I send my word out to the universe, I make sure my words come from the right intent, and what is the right intent? That would be the one which serves my highest purpose! 

When I studied Kabbalah for a while, I kept hearing how the Tree of Life is all about balance between the elements, or translated into life, the mind, body, spirit, will and heart. This concept made perfect sense, but I saw no way of ever putting it into action. After all, I had always been an extremist, either stuck way in my head, over-thinking everything to death, or on a spiritual journey, isolating myself from other people because I rather wanted to astral travel. My heart was either in a state of euphoria, or totally shattered and broken, my will was not all that apparent to me and my body I had never taken care of at all. I rather saw the body as a useless vessel I didn’t want to have a whole lot to do with.

Of course, over the years my extreme sides would shift and I’d stop with my spiritual journey altogether, leaning towards not believing in anything at all, despite the evidence I had for certain things. I had always been an all or nothing kind of woman. I either told you EVERY single thought that would pop into my mind without a filter, or I’d completely shut down and not say anything at all. I’d either loved you to death, or hated your guts. I would either be completely loving and giving, or absolutely angry and bitter. And the more I practiced the “bad” sides, the easier they became.

I still don’t know what exactly launched this great transformation I started about a year and a half ago.  It sure as hell couldn’t have been Andrew, because I hadn’t even met him yet. All I know is that something “clicked.” It was this great “aha!” moment where suddenly I got what kept me back, what made me miserable and where I stopped blaming others for it anymore. I suddenly understood how imbalanced I had been, but most importantly, I knew how to fix it!

I decided that I needed to give this a try, because my extreme states had not produced a whole lot of happiness or peace of mind. I did an inventory on a piece of paper and concluded the following:

• Relationship/Emotion = 0/all over the place
  I had severe trust issues, wanted to fix broken people and hence, kept attracting them. My self-confidence was shattered and reduced to a pile of rubbish, not to mention severe doubts in myself and thinking I am not good enough for anyone.
• Wisdom and Knowledge = who knows
  I had stopped my journey approx. 4 years prior, namely when my life took a turn for the worse. I couldn’t even concentrate on most decent books anymore. World of Warcraft worked just fine as a numbing method
• Spirituality = gone/broken
  I had gotten bitter and disillusioned after a bunch of bad events in my own life and the life of a couple  close friends had occurred. I started to get more and more cynical and less enlightened. Come to think of it, I turned into the people I despised the most
• Body = what body?
  I smoked, I ate whatever the hell I wanted and hadn’t seen a gym in about 10 years. I used to do kick-boxing and Hapkido and now had a story in my head how I didn’t want to be judged by the beautiful people and jocks. That I did the judging didn’t really occur to me at all!

Within the past 16 months I have cleaned up my life. I stopped my stories and excuses and I simply did the work. I stopped talking and simply did. My trainer recently told me that I am a machine now. This is absolutely right in the sense that I just do. I no longer dissect it all to death, so I can start talking myself out of it, i.e. make an excuse. Sometimes it almost scares me how easy I can now go into the mode of “just do it” and overwrite what has held me back for the past 10 years!

Now, I work out all the time. I hate cardio but that doesn’t stop me from doing it. I generally do not eat junk or fast food anymore and make it a point to avoid certain items altogether.

I am trusting. My heart is healing nicely, the scars start to fade and this is due to altering my behavior. I now focus on the things I have control over, which renders certain arguments useless. I don’t really focus all that much on how I can “improve” my husband, because I am really focused on improving myself. I am no longer a control freak, because I realize that I only have the power to change my own ways. I feel love and compassion most of the time these days, not to mention an almost endless amount of energy.

I am exercising my mind by reading, keeping myself informed, asking questions and broadening my horizons again. I surround myself with people who have answers, or good questions. I am searching again for wisdom and truth.

My spirit is soaring these days. I meditate again. I read tarot again, I am studying to become a Reiki master, I am predominantly surrounded by others who also have dedicated their lives to make the world a better place. I have eliminated people, situations and places that no longer serve me and keep me from becoming my higher self.

I learned that the only way for me to be the best I can be is having balance. A great mind is not all that great when the spirit, heart and body are broken. A stronger and healthier body creates a stronger and healthier mind. The endorphins released when working out create an almost euphoric state, which contributes to a healthier heart and happy feelings.

I realized that in order to heal others, I’d first have to heal myself. I am learning balance by no longer looking back to the past and no longer pointing fingers at others. The only finger pointing I do these days is at myself. I let go of my attachment to “fix” another and I no longer care so much what others think. I speak my truth, not to “convert” anyone else, but to answer the questions people ask me.

I remember many years ago someone told me that I would make a great teacher. I answered “I don’t want to teach the sleepers. I want to teach the ones who are at least half awake.” These days I attract a different crowd altogether. I think I am ready to teach now, because I am no longer willing to lecture.

I am no longer a victim. I am no longer someone “bad things happen to,” but I am instead an empowered individual, someone who feels loved and worthy of love, someone who can give more freely now, because she no longer pours her energy and love into buckets without a bottom.

I still wander off the right path at times and “default” into wanting to tell someone off, but then I just wonder if it is worth it and what it would alter. I am not perfect or exactly where I want to be. Who knows? Maybe I will never get there, but at least I am on the right path now, I am on the path of balance.