Carmen's Psychicdonut.com Blog

Apparently, my rant about the beautiful employees of the world has caused some interest, and the material keeps flying my way. Turns out, delusion has really no end, and let’s face it, self-awareness and honesty with oneself is also highly overrated.

I am confused on the behavioral patterns. Imagine you are sitting in a meeting with a bunch of people. You are being asked what your progress on a specific project is and your answers are pretty limited to two choices “It isn’t my fault, because I have pointed fingers at others before and damn, you keep coming back to me and holding me accountable, when I didn’t do it,” or “it’s working for me!” Latter is a clear sign of a team player. “Well, too bad everything is going to hell for you guys, ’cause it’s working for me!” Should I mention now that these responses come from a lead? Probably not. How do you NOT feel like a total douche, and how is there no voice inside of you that wonders “geez, I keep getting the same feedback and results, I have nothing to show for. Maybe I AM the one who screwed up?”

What is wrong with companies? Why do they insist on thinking that a person that might be technically good will have leadership or management skills? And why is it that the incompetent morons in the work place don’t get fired, especially if they are not even full-time employees, but contractors or temps? Where are the brave souls of the world, who actually do have decision making power, when it comes to calling these guys on their crap? Why would you NOT take a person aside and hold them accountable for the role they have?

I have heard too many stories and witnessed a couple on my own, where one person was holding the company hostage. The company was so afraid to do something about these incompetent people, who divided up the work force and brought nothing but disruption and frustration to the floor, that they simply stood by and watched. I know of two people who were like that. They had given numerous reasons for immediate dismissal, but didn’t even get written up, because HR was too afraid of a law suit.

Somehow some corporations still haven’t learned the lesson. They keep putting project managers, IT guys and technically savvy people into management positions. They watch as these horrible managers run out one employee after another and how no one wants to work under them, and do nothing. Apparently, it is pretty easy to be promoted when you succeeded in a PROJECT, but not so easy to demote you if you terribly fail in management. I have met very few managers who are equally good at both.

My heart goes out to a bunch of people who are stuck with one such lead. A person who not only has yet to prove their worth, but keeps screwing up left and right, blaming everyone else and having accomplished nothing. The same person who keeps crying about being mistreated and disrespected on Facebook, while her co-workers have to work twice as hard to fix her mistakes, to then read her BS status updates on FB, which are an even bigger slap in the face.

Maybe in the future someone, somewhere will learn something from this. I do hope for a time where it is equally important to know what you are doing, to whom you know. And at the risk of sounding crazy, I DO believe that it is actually better, if you have to choose the lesser evil, to have a manager who may not know all the technical details, but knows how to lead and inspire. Until then, entire departments or teams are stuck with horrible leaders, who get the credit for the work they did, claiming they deserved it and feeling entitled to it. Worse, getting another great gig as a leader, doing the whole thing over again without consequences again, thereby keeping the cycle going.

I think it is most frustrating that these type of people won’t ever change. Being a victim or martyr is a way of being for some, who have perfected it to an art. There is no hope for them, because they don’t feel that they are doing something wrong to begin with. They don’t seek out coaching, or training but keep pointing fingers, keep feeling entitled and always being wronged. How bad is it, if you create the same reality day in and day out, year after year, and not ever wake up? And how easy is it to find like minded individuals, who never ever call you on it, but keep supporting you in your crap. And shall I say, when I went to a company gathering I didn’t see this incompetent lead sitting by herself. Nope, she was actually surrounded by a hand full of people who she has convinced about being the victim. And now tell me again that it doesn’t speak volumes about a person when you look at those they surround themselves with/call their friends. I quote again the German saying “Sag mir wer Deine Freunde sind, und ich sage Dir wer Du bist.” (Tell me who your friends are and I tell you who you are).

Thanks for the managers who coached me and called me on my crap, thereby making me a better leader. And thanks for the friends who do it in my personal life. And thank the universe for having the courage and self-awareness to seek those out who push me to become a better person, even if it stings at times.

Happy New Year! I am back and ready to hate again Ah, life is grand!

I went to a small gathering of people just recently. All these people happen to work in the movie industry, namely in the same company. All of these people equally disliked one single person, for being unprofessional, consistently screwing up, and of course, being the victim. So I dug a little deeper, because as we know, I am really interested in the Muppets of the world, and the more I heard, the more I remembered stories of my own. Working in the corporate world for many years has provided me with enough material to write a book. One day I will write this book, it’s going to be called “How to manage the delusional.”

But, back to the story at hand. So, this specific person has screwed up so many times that it is now a running joke in the office. For each screw up she has an excuse and shoker, it is always someone else’s fault! Of course, updates on Facebook include great comments about being too intimidating (apparently, she is not intimidating, just highly incompetent) and my personal favorite, she is being discriminated against/disrespected because she is a woman in man’s world!

The sad thing I have witnessed over and over, is that all of these horrible performers DO believe that THEY are being wronged! None of them are ever to blame for any of their poor performances, the fact that they got reprimanded, fired, or put on a PIP. They are all one big miserable family of unhappiness and they are all victims. YIKES!

Our Australian friends asked “so, how do these people keep finding employment?” Well, there is another great way of bullshitting your way through job interviews. First of all, none of these people will ever truly have recommendations from actual managers. Nope, their recommendations come from co-workers, or people from other teams who, of course, are buddies with them or like them, but have absolutely NO clue how these guys are performing in their jobs. I know people who claim to have been managers, when they never held a management role in life and how would a future employee know this, unless he checks with their previous managers? And in a world where what you know often counts less than who you know, it is quite explainable how some of the most incompetent people keep getting hired.

No, I am not going to share my own stories of the delusional people I have managed. And come to think of it, I haven’t had too many of them. There are a lot of good, hard-working and honest people out there, who do not have more issues than a Hollywood magazine stand! But when I heard how ONE person makes entire thralls of people miserable and then blogs on Facebook how she is the victim, without as much as a single ounce of self-awareness, or self-honesty, I want to puke yet again.

How does it happen that people wake up day after day, month after month, year after year, find themselves in the same shitty situation, friendships, lack of career, issues at work, issues with friends, etc and never once look in the mirror thinking “maybe it’s me, not them?!” I guess this is why I call them delusional. Dangerously unaware of who they are, they just bs their way through life, wondering why everyone else around them is “so lucky” and they work so hard and keep getting disrespected and abused.

It’s 2010, more of the same for some, and better things for others, namely those who actually learn something from their screw ups/are honest with themselves. A thing one of my previous managers said to me yesterday was something to the effect of “it’s the people who claim to be good people, who claim they don’t know who are truly scary. Because how would you stop yourself from keep doing the wrong thing, if you don’t even think what you are doing is wrong?” I have an answer! Free therapy for all the screwed up people out there. Oh wait, I forgot, they tend to be the ones who claim they don’t need therapy. Never mind

Imagine the following scenario. You are in a relationship that lasts for a few years. Within the span of this relationship, your partner hits you, cheats on you, lies to you, uses you and cleans out your bank account. After the relationship ends you find yourself fairly alone, not to mention severely broken. You kind of isolated because you felt too ashamed to tell anyone what really all happened. But eventually, you do open up and tell your closest friends, friends you’ve had for many years. The same friends who then befriend the one who abused you on Facebook/MySpace. How would you feel? And WTF???

I am honestly baffled by the lack of spine, conviction and integrity some people possess. It outrages me how superficial and mindless people often truly are, and how meaningless the term “friend” has become. I am also amazed at how two-faced people can be. They bitch about a person, they have never really anytyhing good to say about someone, but then befriend them on the social networking site of their choice. Really? I mean, excuse my language, but how can you NOT feel like a total inauthentic douche when doing stuff like that? And those who start getting pissed at me right now are probably the ones who fall into these categories!

People have often told me that I should not waste energy on such things. They have told me that I don’t have the right to tell people who they can and cannot be friends with. Guess what? I feel I do! If I call you my BEST friend, and if you truly fall into my close friend group, I absolutely feel warranted in telling you “it really rips my heart out that you side with my abuser!” And before anyone gets bent out of shape again, I am not talking about having a little dispute with someone! I am talking about people who have wronged you so severely, have hurt you so deeply and betrayed you, abused you on a level that violates every single law of friendship and decency. If you are my friend, you would stand for me. That is what friends do!

You know, I am not talking about myself this time. Ha, some probably thought I did! I am talking about someone who means the world to me. For all you jerks who have the nerve to call yourself her/his best friend, you are fired! If you are too lazy to not delete the scum bag who abused your friend and damn near ruined her/him, you are truly either a spineless coward, or dangerously oblivious.

I am all for the concept of forgiveness, I truly am. But I have learned a simple fact in life. Abusers generally remain abusive. Why? Because people look the other way. People do NOT confront them and there is never a single consequence to what they did and the bodies they’ve left in their wake. There are plenty of people out there who are too lazy, too cowardly, too busy to call them on their shit.
People are non-confrontational. They are passive aggressive and “don’t take sides” by keeping their mouth shut, looking the other way and dancing at two weddings (a German phrase). These are the people who don’t call the cops when they hear their neighbor beating the shit out of his children, or witnessing a crime. Is it really to the point where people lack conviction, have no opinions and stand for absolutely nothing but what serves them or their purpose. They make up excuses for continuously doing the wrong thing and choosing the wrong thing. Well, excuse me for not participating.

Yes, I know a huge amount of people. But it keeps becoming abundantly clear why I call such few people my friends. I feel I DO have a right to open my mouth. I am not perfect and I have really screwed up in my life, but when it comes to those I love, I am 200% loyal and dedicated. When I did screw up, I tried to correct it, I owned up to it, I apologized. It is so easy to say that I am judgmental and arrogant, rigid, or whatever label has been bestowed on me. But damn, if I would have had people who stood for me when I was abused as a kid, instead of looking the other way, pretending they didn’t know, I would not feel so strongly about this.

Yes, I am putting a label on you “friends.” You should be ashamed of yourself! I don’t give a flying rat’s ass how I piss anyone off. But while most are too busy and look the other way, it offends the hell out of me what lousy friends some people are. What a lame ass thing to do, to befriend people you consistently bad mouth, or people who have really hurt your close friend. And thanks for giving these jerks a consistent in to your true friend’s page and for making it painfully obvious how superficial you are.

You know, there are people out there who I have gotten in fights with, or had fall outs with. There are people I no longer talk to, but I still would NEVER befriend those who have abused them. I had a friend for a long time who no longer speaks to me. We had numerous fall outs for whatever reasons, but to this day, if I would get a chance to kick the teeth in of the asswipe of a guy she was with for years, who beat her, ruined her credit and ruined her life to a degree, trust me, I’d do it. Another guy, who I also had a huge fight with and no longer talk to, is the best friend of someone I’ve dated. Even though I no longer speak to anyone in this circle, I will always chuckle to myself when I remember how he went to a club and called the cheating scum bag ex of his best friend a “gold digging whore” and walked away. I salute people who do that, even if I had my disagreements with them. THAT is a sign of character and a good friend, because I would do the same!

Some people are just scum and that anyone sides with them, befriends them, defends them, etc. seriously offends me, and sure as hell disqualifies them of any position of friendship or trust in my life. Sometimes doing the crime is just as bad as being indifferent and looking the other way! Think about that for a moment!