02.11.10
Posted in Life, Spirituality/Philosophy, Things that make me happy at 5:23 pm by PsychicDonut
I truly am an idealist. I believe in “good,” and try to see the best in all people. I believe that every person has infinite possibility to create happiness and think that most people are reasonably intelligent to grasp the concept about sticking one’s finger in the power outlet over and over, will only result in getting shocked over and over. It honestly never really dawned on me that some people may not be all that bright, or that some people find a great deal of comfort in being miserable. It didn’t occur to me that some people always need attention, even if it is bad one and that some have traveled so far down the rabbit hole of denial that their idea of reality is totally and utterly distorted. I therefore used to think that certain people do certain things on purpose.
Gosh, I would get so angry and wanted to shake people while screaming “are you dense? Do you NOT see how crazy you are? Look at your life and walk back the past ten years and tell me you do NOT notice how you keep creating more of the same, day in and day out.” In a way, I would do just that at times. See, I was used to this type of behavior from being born and raised in Germany. When I screwed up my friends would hold me accountable. There were dire consequences to my behaviors, which taught me early on (when I was a teenager) that people would not tolerate constant lame excuses coming from me. In a way, my friends in Germany did anything BUT look the other way!
Another one that was very different for me in Germany was the level of loyalty. Your friends were your friends. They stuck by you through thick and through thin. They’d be brutally honest with you and if anyone hurt you, they’d go after them, or at least cast them out. Yes, the most dreaded trait I have been accused of was normal at home, we were black and white in certain areas. I didn’t have to explain myself all the time, I wasn’t seen as abrasive, but strong and loyal and I was not used to anyone sugar coating things to me, or me having to sugar coat for others.
For example, after returning to Germany for the first time after 8 years, I stepped off the plane and was greeted with “Damn, you’ve gotten fat. You need to lay off the cheeseburgers those Yanks are feeding you.” At the same token, when I came back a few years later I was told how much I have slimmed down and how good I look for my age.
I never really had to read between the lines and I sure as hell never met as many delusional folks in Germany, as I did in Los Angeles. No offense! I know lots of amazing people here too and can honestly say that they outweigh the crazy ones in my life!!
There is a certain social dance here I couldn’t quite grasp. After 17 years it is easier for me to navigate through the landmines within conversations here, but it never did feel natural. There is still a stubborn part in me that refuses to play the game, unless I absolutely have to. I felt a need to be honest at all cost. I also felt that withholding, or being quiet was being dishonest. Hence, I randomly spilled out any and every thought and emotion that would come to mind, thinking that people would get the gist, because they know me. I also felt that they would be just as thankful for someone calling them on their stuff as I was. NOT SO!
The beauty of life these days is that I have created a life that is happy and balanced. And within this life an amazing thing has happened, my priorities are finally getting aligned correctly. I am finally learning to open my mouth where I need to and should have a long time ago and where to keep it shut where I need to and should have in the past. I am learning that I don’t have to care about Joe Schmoe and Sue Schmue doing the same idiotic dance again that they have been doing for their entire life. I don’t find myself all that affected by how dishonest, weak willed, cowardly or ignorant people are, because I can choose to not have such folks in my life.
I am learning that just because someone has done a nice thing for me in the past, or has been there for me on occasion, does not mean that I owe them for the rest of my life. I know that I have paid my dues; to them and everyone else for that matter who needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on or anything else. I have learned that I deserve peace and harmony, not chaos and drama. I have learned that life is precious and goes by at the blink of an eye. I therefore have an obligation to myself to make the best of it.
I still uphold truth, honesty, loyalty and integrity as the most important traits in one’s being. I just don’t expect the rest of the world to have the same values anymore and actually make a conscious effort to stay clear of those who do not. Truth is in the eye of the beholder? I think not. There is universal truth and I am actively seeking those who walk on the same, or at least similar paths. It’s amazing how quiet and peaceful life becomes when one does just that.
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02.04.10
Posted in Spirituality/Philosophy, Things that make me happy at 3:36 pm by PsychicDonut
In management I learned one of the most important management tools, which said that you should always strive to manage to a person’s strength, instead of focusing on their weaknesses. When people are in an environment where 75% of the time they get to do what they like and what they are good at, you end up with really productive teams and very happy people.
I have found that everything I have learned in management also applies for one’s personal life. However, this doesn’t seem as blatantly obvious to others as it is for me. I figured that there are things I can share that may explain a little better what I mean by the importance of being specific and clear.
Let’s say for a moment you are at work and you are scheduled for your quarterly review. Let’s assume you are scored on your communication skills, and you have received an average mark. When you ask your manager/supervisor why you received an average instead of outstanding score, your manager tells you something like “well, I remember an incident a couple months ago where in a meeting you said something offensive.” How are you going to learn from this? One of the first things one learns in management is to be specific and to coach as soon as the opportunity arises, and as soon as the incident is not yet forgotten. Communication in this area should always be very specific, namely what the “mistake” was and how you expect a person to fix it/conduct themselves in the future, etc.
Now transfer that philosophy to life. Let’s assume you are NOT an atheist who only believes in science. Regardless of what your faith is, I do believe that each action has a reaction. Each one of our behaviors, words, actions, emotions and thoughts create some kind of energy that surrounds us. If we are sending negative energy, we receive negative energy. If we are a positive energy, we attract positive people. Don’t believe me? Look around you and notice people who are truly positive and what type of people surround them. Then look at those who are negative and see who, if anyone, surrounds them. (This is by the way where the German saying comes from “zeige mir wer Deine Freunde sind und ich sage Dir wer Du bist” Show me who your friends are and I tell you who you are). So if we are sending wishy washy as our energy, what do we expect to come back to us?
If I want a new job and a recruiter asks me what type of job I am looking for and I reply “anything really,” what do you think will come back to me (if anything at all)? If someone asks you “what kind of relationship are you looking for?” and your answer is “I just want a cute guy who likes me,” what do you think you create with that? First of all, define “cute” to the universe, or as an energy! Good luck with that! This is why I have always believed in the importance of absolute clarity in what I want and I can attest to how well this works for me.
A few years ago I was house hunting. At this point there were literally hundreds of houses to pick from. I knew I had to be specific, so I wrote down that I wanted a house with 3 bedrooms, at least 2 1/2 baths, a minimum of 1,400 sq.ft., two stories, a town house (because I didn’t want to worry about exterior painting or paving) and not further East than Azusa. I carried this list with me and this is what I ended up with about 1 month later: a town house in Azusa, two stories, 1497 sq.ft., 3 bedrooms, 3 baths.
After Yahoo laid me off I really didn’t want to work in search marketing anymore. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and for this time nothing manifested. I got annoyed and finally told my husband that I wanted to hunt bad guys for gaming, because I love gaming. About 6 weeks later I ended up in a large gaming company, building their fraud department.
After the relationship before my husband ended, I was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to meet anyone. I was bitter, sad, disappointed and I lost my faith in relationships. When I finally decided that a broken heart was not worth giving up on my ideals of romance and love, I made a list, encouraged by one of my best friends. The list contained two columns, “Must Have” and “Compromisable.” I was VERY specific in my list and left any superficial thing out. For example, I wanted to put that I prefer “tall” but my friend asked what I would do if my perfect mate is not so tall. She told me to instead put “must have chemistry with the person.” Chemistry includes all of it, attraction and desire. Hence, I wrote “must have chemistry with the person and must be sexually compatible.” I carried said list with me in my wallet and met Andrew, my husband, about three months later. I still carry my list in my wallet, btw! It is another reminder of how accurately this technique has always worked for me. When I look at my husband, he is every point on my must have column and even most of the points on the compromisable column. The rule my friend told me was that, under no circumstance, could I compromise on the “Must Haves.”
Equally important was being specific in who I wanted to be! So I created a list for things I wanted to change within me. I also included thanking the universe for all the great friends I did have. By doing so, I found a deep and profound appreciation for all the people and things that DID surround me, versus the people and things that did not. My appreciation was so overwhelming that I made another promise to myself and the universe, which stated that I would never settle again. That from now on, I would live my heart’s desire and that any relationships, situations, friendships and jobs that would not be true to that, or to becoming my higher self were no longer tolerated, or acceptable in my life.
Needless to say, I think THIS was the biggest and strongest word I could put out there. I met Andrew THREE DAYS after that (and yes, three months after the list). I think this is why it is so important to know who you are and what you want before you are manifesting the best in life. How could you possibly manifest anything of large magnitude, if you do not even know how to visualize it, or what “it” exactly entails? So I am saying to those who doubt “Love thyself and know thyself!” If you expect the best, you truly will get it. At least that has been my experience, many lists and years later down the road 
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01.22.10
Posted in Life, Things that make me happy at 7:17 pm by PsychicDonut
Right now, I am honestly feeling as if I am living my dream. The sad thing is that there was a time where I couldn’t quite imagine such a thing, and hence, kept inviting the same scenarios, relationships and friendships into my life.
I don’t have the answers and I honestly do not know how it clicked for me. Maybe I simply got tired of feeling depressed and down for imaginary and stupid reasons. I was so busy whining about not having x, y, z that I blatantly missed the people who kept having my back and kept trying to encourage me, and also kept believing in me. They saw things in me I couldn’t and one day it suddenly all clicked. From that moment on life changed, and has never been the same again.
Maybe all I did was desperately focusing on the things I did have and ignoring the ones I didn’t. And now, over a year later, I find myself married to my soul-mate, the best husband one could ever ask for. And no, I am not claiming that Andrew is perfect, but I am saying that he makes me happy, because he loves me fiercely and sees that person in me, that others often missed. He makes me feel safe, wanted and loved and with him by my side I feel I can do anything!
My professional life is going great, and while I cannot share any details at this point, it seems that my biggest dream in that department is also coming true, again. I am fighting bad guys, I do what I love and I get paid well for it.
And lastly, there is the one that seemed the hardest out of all of them, my exterior. I spent many years focusing on my interior, and I don’t even want to go into why I did that.
I am still not a superficial person, but I do have a strong drive for being healthy right now. It is fair to say that I am getting into the best shape I have ever been in my life. I am eating healthy, I drink lots of water, I quit smoking, I work out very hard and I do cardio a minimum of 4 times a week, usually more like 5 or 6.
My energy is going through the roof, I have tons of stamina; where I would last a measly 5 minutes on the elliptical, I can now do 2o minutes and then run on the treadmill for another 15. My metabolism has sped up so much that I burn about 2100 calories on a day where I do no exercise. My arms and legs are starting to look leaner and longer and the fat is melting away. I haven’t achieved my full goal, but I am well on my way.
I am doing things these days that I NEVER thought possible. My mind has gotten powerful enough to overwrite whatever negative messages I have stored on that hard-drive of mine, also known as the brain. When I get tired of eating right, working out so hard, or holding steadfast to my values, this voice comes in and says “you are only sabotaging yourself. You CAN do this. “No” is not an option.” And with that comes this burst of energy that keeps me going, every day.
It isn’t just that my life is turning out to be the dream I always had, but it is also that I am attracting things and people that support this new model.
For me it has always been the worst when certain people would call me judgmental. I would sit there and ponder why I am so judgmental, never realizing that the same people would be in my face for being so weak and not discriminating in who I was dating or what friends I kept. I interpreted judging as such a bad thing that anyone was allowed to come in, take whatever they wanted, walk all over me and then leave, bad-mouthing me. I have helped plenty of people, because there were plenty of people out there who helped me out when I was down, and quite a few of them not only never thanked me, but turned on me. They were endless holes of neediness, drama, negativity and crap and no matter how much understanding, love or care anyone poured in, it never was enough.
I am proud to say that yes, I AM judgmental. Nope, I no longer want everybody and anybody in my life. I do not require 100 friends, I am good with the few ones I do have. No, I am not unkind and I would give you my last dollar, have you stay at my house if you lost your place, lend you my car, get you a job and help you whenever you are down without question, but no, I would no longer do it for everyone. I no longer care what people think, because I have learned that those I do want in my life, are not the ones who keep attacking me for being judgmental, too harsh, or having “unreasonable values.”
It is funny how violently people react once you are no longer willing to put up with their shit and once you call them on it. You make enemies that way, but thankfully, not too many, and definitely not people I’d care to keep around anyway.
I have started to write my second book. And yes, it is the “Managing the Delusional” book I have often talked about
I am not perfect, but at least I am constantly trying to learn and become a better person. I had to learn the hard way that simply holding your cheek out to get smacked around over and over, is NOT the definition of being a good person and will not bring love and happiness into your life. I had to make a stand for myself to make that happen. It’s a bit wobbly, but it feels amazing.
What was my lesson I refused to learn for so many years? Oh yeah, I know now “How happy I am and how successful I am, is a direct result of what is in my mind, spirit and heart. Happiness and contentment exponentially increase when I am willing to stand for myself and others with truth, integrity and strength, when I eliminate fear and when I stop caring about what the wrong people think of me.”
So if anyone wants to point their finger at me again, they can. But I have a nagging suspicion that they will not be the ones who live their life to the fullest and are amazingly happy and content. And I have one example about that. The ones who were excited about me getting married and were happy were people who were in happy relationships or marriages. The ones who told me to wait longer, watch out and painted doomsday pictures, were the same ones who were single, or miserable.
So, I prefer to keep those who teach me with kindness how to become a better person and lead by example.
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01.13.10
Posted in Things that make me happy at 3:20 pm by PsychicDonut
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to help people and safe the world. When I was in 2nd grade I decided I wanted to be an angel, or like Jesus. I had only two concepts in my head, the concept of right, or wrong. I wanted to do the right thing. Hence, when I got older I wanted to be a cop, a judge, a detective, a doctor, a nurse and a therapist. I never wanted to be something glamorous.
This desire and theme kept repeating itself throughout my life. I think I was about 15 or 16 when I started standing up for the kids/people who got bullied and by the time I was 17 I had a 2-year apprenticeship contract with the Municipal Court as a court administrator/paralegal.
I never was able to witness pain or injustice without opening my mouth. I simply HAD to interfere, even though I was scared to death at times. Being “me” meant standing on the other side of the fence, often against the “rest of the world.” While everyone excused their bad behaviors and kept doing them, I sat by myself writing poetry and reading books on unexplained phenomena. It was really lonely over there. I didn’t fit in with any cliques or groups. I tried them all, but at the end of the day, I hated how people behaved in herds. On their own they were often decent, but put them in a group and they turned on you in a heartbeat. Of course, for the same reason I didn’t like followers either, and when everyone felt it was our duty to do drugs and drink like fish when we were in our teens and twenties, I didn’t. I was the designated driver and quickly got bored watching people make fools out of themselves and turning into sleaze balls.
I have been this way for pretty much most of my life. I used to think it sucks and I hated that I wasn’t “like them.” I searched high and low for something or some people I could connect with and thankfully, as the years went by I found a few who fit the bill. Thankfully, I was also able to continue this in my professional life.
I do fraud prevention for a living. I manage credit card fraud and for me, this is the most rewarding career I could have chosen. I get to actively contribute in shutting down the jerks who steal identities, take over accounts of unsuspecting victims and make a living by scamming the innocent. I love my job and I love the people who are in my field.
There is something that literally happens each and every time I go to a vendor meeting, conference, or talk to others within the industry, which is this immediate “bond” that gets formed based on what we do. Every single person in this business works hard (sometimes underpaid and underappreciated) to make a difference. We are sometimes not on the top priority list for our companies, because we don’t generate revenue like a sales team does. We are the ones who act as your secret service, protecting your brand, the company’s integrity and innocent users from losing their identities, and we do it behind the scenes.
I don’t go to a “stupid job” every day for the sake of benefits and a paycheck. I do what I do, because I am excited about helping and making a difference AND getting paid for it. I have met so many incredibly smart, dedicated and awesome people within this field that I could not think of any better or other place to be, besides actually studying cyber forensics at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, lead by an incredibly awesome man named Gary Warner.
Forgive me for bringing this up again, but there are so many people in sales, project management and marketing who make a boat load of money, while a lot of those guys who work their butts off to protect the innocent are underpaid and underappreciated. This is why I like being around companies who specialize in nothing but fraud, be it with a product they created, or by consulting and connecting. There are a few companies who have caught on and truly realize how important it is to have a great risk management/fraud prevention team. These are usually also the same companies who truly understand the importance of great leadership and having integrity.
I am happy and privileged to be a part of this industry, that makes all our lives a little safer and easier. I am glad that I get to lead, showing others the importance of doing the right thing, even if it is easier to do the opposite at times. I think I am one of the few who can honestly say “I LOVE my career.”
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01.12.10
Posted in Things that make me happy at 2:45 pm by PsychicDonut
I have posted a couple blogs lately on bad employees. However, I don’t think I have ever praised the ones who are doing an amazing job. Hence, I am using this post to list those who have taught me a lot about the manager I wanted to be and have inspired me to do the right thing, even if it would have been strategically better for me at times to do the opposite.
1. Horst Schmidt – my school teacher.
Horst had me from 7th grade on, all the way through graduation. This man stood by me no matter what. When I was about to screw up my apprenticeship at the court, he called up my boss and explained my situation to her. He was there for me like a father and I am in contact with him to this day. If more teachers would apply themselves the way he did, the world would be a better place. He also taught all of us to be accountable. He was fair and laid back, unless you tried to cheat the system.
2. Waltraud Hoppner – Municipal Court, Germany
Let me tell you about this woman. I was one confused and damaged teenager when I started my apprenticeship at the court, to become a court administrator/paralegal. She sure as hell had a hard time with me, because I couldn’t focus, and used being the class clown to overcompensate for my insecurities. She was my “teacher” and manager for two years and she believed in me. She consistently told me that I could do it, that I was intelligent and that I could be so much more, if I would apply myself. She lead with kindness and humor and she started my path into adulthood and business.
3. Bob Peterson – LRN
I think it is fair to say that I would not have been more ill cast in any career, than when I tried being an executive assistant. At my previous job I had one of those managers I vowed to never be. So when I started working for Bob I was a wreck. I was too afraid to talk to him, because I was used to being talked down to and being abused by my previous boss. After only one week Bob called me into his office and asked me what I was doing. He told me that he needed me to be his right hand and could not afford to have an assistant who was too afraid to even speak to him. When I weakly responded how I wasn’t sure that I had permission, his answer was “Have I ever NOT given you permission?” Bob turned my meek, scared demeanor into a competent assistant. He would call me into meetings grinning and announcing that he called me in because I obviously was one of the most creative people in the place (must have been my funny looks).
Bob never talked down to me, but he always treated me like an equal, even though he was an executive. When the company did a mass lay off he saved me and insured they didn’t let me go. I never forgot how kind, competent, intelligent and fair he was. I figured I wanted to be a boss like him one day.
4. Jae Sung – Yahoo
Poor Jae! He inherited me when I had very little management knowledge, and still felt I needed to speak my mind…ALWAYS! He taught me one of the most valuable lessons in business “Don’t ever horde responsibility or knowledge. If you do, people will just find a way to get around you and then you truly did make yourself obsolete!” I lead by that until today and have never withheld my knowledge or expertise from my employees. He taught me that the best manager is one who is truly not “needed,” but one who creates a team that is self-sufficient, competent and empowered. Jae never lost his cool and even though he left Yahoo years ago, he still has my back to this day.
Thanks Jae, this got me laid off at Yahoo, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world and when I am in management again, I will do it over! 
5. Jason Dorn – Yahoo
Jason taught me patience. He was the one who taught me how to deal with delusional folks. He taught me to not buy into people’s stories of victimhood and hold them accountable in a calm and straight forward manner. He fought for me, as he would for all of his direct reports. He is one of the smartest, most competent people I have ever met, and one of the few who are equally as good in project management, as he is in people management. Jason also never loses his cool, but is straight forward and doesn’t beat around the bush.
And here are a few people I didn’t report directly to, but they inspired me nontheless:
1. Erick Herring – LRN
Erick was one of the techy VPs and I assisted him when I didn’t have anything from Bob. Erick was the one who pointed out to me one day that I am probably at times my worst enemy. I told him how I am impressed with people who know so much about IT and technical stuff. He then asked me how many languages I speak and if I liked music. I told him that I know two languages fluently and studied Latin in school for a couple of years. I also told him that I loved singing and have an ear for music. He laughed and told me that math is in the same part of the brain as language and music, and that I am probably better at math or physics as I think I am. Turns out, he was right.
2. Kim Furzer – Yahoo
Kim wasn’t my direct boss. Well, she did manage me for a couple months, but that was only in the interim between managers. Kim taught me that having a strong personality is actually an asset in business. She taught me that it doesn’t matter how I dress or how many tattoos I sport, because the right people/company will immediately recognize my strengths and not care about that. She gave me more confidence and always encouraged my straight-forwardness.
3. Lynne Secrest – Yahoo
I can honestly say, there has never been a better HR director than this woman. Talk about a wealth of knowledge regarding workman’s comp, labor law, PIPs, coaching, performance management and all the other neat stuff one has to do as a manager. Lynne was highly regarded by everyone, executives, managers and employees. She was fair and always willing to help and man, she helped me out a lot with difficult employees or situations. I could always count on Lynne and when Yahoo laid her off for political reasons I was so outraged that I sent an email to Yahoo’s head of HR (no, I didn’t do this from an emotional spur of the moment place, but was encouraged by an executive, who told me “I may want to share my thoughts”). When Lynne got laid off the entire management and executive staff was outraged. But Lynne kept her good sense of humor and of course, being the woman she is, had a job within weeks. It was actually Lynne who redid my resume after Yahoo laid me off, haha. I miss working with her.
4. Reggie Davis – Yahoo
Talk about an inspiration! Reggie was both, an executive AND a lawyer. This makes generally a recipe for a true jerk in the business world, but not with Reggie. The man had a passion and integrity that blows mine to shreds. Never afraid to call it for what it is, speaking his mind and yet never making a fool out of himself. He was knowledgeable, incredibly intelligent, funny and highly loyal to the company and those who reported to him. Always willing to make people aware of issues with systems and policies, he ran a great ship in a battle he couldn’t have won. Hence, Reggie quit, after over 10 years. He taught me that being at the top does not equal being a jerk, self-serving, mean-spirited or indifferent.
I am definitely a better woman, employee and manager due to all of these folks. Hence, “thank you,” from the bottom of my heart. I wished there were more of you guys around!
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01.10.10
Posted in Marriage/Relationship Success Stories, Things that make me happy at 1:13 pm by PsychicDonut
So far this year has been amazing. My health is excellent, my body is shaping up really nice, the fat is falling off of me, my arms and legs are starting to look leaner and longer, and apparently people in Santa Maria all seem to think I am either a rock-star or actress, haha. Walking into any kind of store, or walking through the mall always turns heads. Then I get compliments on my hair and my boots, followed with the question if I am an actress or in a band. It cracks me up, because I don’t look that freaky and my tattoos are covered anyways. I think I should have changed my name to “Carma Phantasmagorica” when I became a citizen!
Anyway, this morning I was cleaning Andrew’s room and doing his laundry (because the maids only come once a week) and I thought about how happy I am. The main reason for that is my loss of fear. Fear has run my life for so long that it still feels a bit strange, almost as if one is missing an old relative, one you can’t really stand, but is nevertheless dear and known to you. The lack of fear has allowed me to do amazing things lately. Amazing, at least in my book. It has given me the ability to be absolutely truthful.
People always assume that I like confrontation. Given the fact that I tell people what I think of them, based on the blogs I write and how I have dealt with many situations, there are quite a few out there who assume that I am confrontational and combative by nature. It is the opposite! I absolutely despise it. I used to be horrified and allowed everyone to walk all over me out of fear that they would abandon me. I took an unbelievable amount of abuse and crap from people, because I was worried they’d badmouth me and walk out on me.
Everyone’s opinion mattered equally. It didn’t matter if the one who badmouthed me was a stupid loser, or someone who was close to me. I couldn’t stand the idea that anyone would think that I am not a good person, which I always worked so hard on being. It has always been important to me to have integrity, to be honest and to do good in the world and anyone who “hated” me or talked bad about me made me feel as if I failed. Hence, I would keep trying to proof people wrong, not realizing that sometimes there was simply nothing I could do to change a person’s mind, or the way they treated me.
These days I am no longer an equal opportunity people pleaser. I do realize that the opinions, thoughts and words of some people matter more than others. I learned that there is nothing I can do to safe some people, or make them wake up, or make them a “better” person. I realize that some people will never change, or have a very low chance of doing so and that I will not be the one who makes a difference in their life and brings them to their senses. I also remembered how occupying space with bodies who simply no longer serve my well-being, keeps those out who truly would and will.
I said in the prior blog how I deleted people from my contact list. Well, I asked the universe for help. There were a few individuals I simply could not shed. I still felt I needed to be there for them, or owed them something. Interestingly enough, the universe started taking them out one by one, starting already last fall. The freedom I feel from no longer being burdened with those I have to tip toe around and be careful about what I am saying or feeling, is unbelievable. It almost feels like euphoria.
I hold on to Andrew when I hug him and I want to squeeze him to death because of how happy he makes me. My biggest wish of finding the one, looking at each other and knowing instantly “this one is IT” was granted. To be with someone who loves me and needs me without being a weak, needy freak, is overwhelming. Having friends who encourage me by telling me all the great changes they have seen in me within the past few months makes me want to jump up and down.
I worked so hard. It feels as if I ran a marathon and after years reached some of the finish lines. I am still working out and still need to drop more weight to feel fully satisfied with my body, but that doesn’t scare me anymore. The weight is falling off, and it seems almost easy now, as eating right and working out hard has become part of my routine and a habit. Best compliment ever “you are so sexy,” from my husband. Watching his eyes on me and him telling me how he thinks all day long “this is my wife!” makes everything else out there, especially negativity unimportant.
Oh, and I did find a dog trainer for Andrew’s dogs. They are being trained for 5 weeks now and my kitties are safe and sound. After all, I could never give up my babies. Salem is my “son!” 
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12.22.09
Posted in Things that make me happy at 5:51 pm by PsychicDonut
The results from the first 6 weeks of working out hard are back. I have lost 2 1/2% of body fat, 3 inches in my waist, 1/2″ on my hips and thigh and one inch on my chest. Now, let me make one thing clear. I have NO intention of becoming bulky. I always thought that female body builders looked horrible. And while I do understand that it is a matter of taste, I firmly believe that we women should have T&A, hips and curves. I just don’t want to be wobbly anymore.
To me this is much more about being healthy and looking GOOD!, than being some freak show. I do enjoy losing inches and fat, because it affords me the luxury of buying clothes that I like without having to worry that I won’t look good in them, or fit into them.
I never did like the idea of women developing huge biceps and triceps, or having a six-pack stomach. I always preferred the body of dancers or yoga instructors. They tend to look lean, but feminine and soft. My trainer knows this too, because one has to set goals when one starts working out. This is why I have to do so much cardio, namely 4 times a week for 30 minutes. But without cardio one won’t lose the ROBs (rolls of blubber), and of course, my trainer “punishes” me for skipping it. So no, we don’t aim to be like this:
But more like this:
Namaste
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12.16.09
Posted in Things that make me happy at 6:31 pm by PsychicDonut
I found this article today and started laughing:
http://customsites.yahoo.com/financiallyfit/finance/article-108393-3513-3-gifts-gone-awry-what-not-to-give-your-mate-html?ywaad=ad0035
Why was this so funny? Because I have been on the receiving end of strange and awful gifts before. Luckily not too many times, but I do remember only one person handing me a whole bunch of gifts, one more awful than the other. Let’s recount what he gave me, and oh, none of it was wrapped. Here are the gifts, which were stacked up on my desk:
1. A self-made onion colored scarf. I assume he got it from his lost and found station at work. The scarf was in a Ziplock bag
2. A golf umbrella. I later on saw the exact same one at Albertson’s in the check-out lane for $5.99
3. Gloves – size L (if you know my hands, that by itself is funny)
4. A copy of his CD. His music was horrid and my roommate and I later on used said CD to play Frisbee and then break it.
5. A portable CD player
6. A tin of girl scout cookies…from his daughter’s batch…which I helped sell at my office.
To this day, no one has ever beaten the amount of thoughtless disrespect this prick showed. I should also mention that he, to this day, ranks number one on the list of douche bags encountered in my life.
Now, on a lighter note Gifts ARE important! To me they are. Not the amount spent on them, but the thought put into it. If someone gives me a nice smelling candle, preferably pumpkin or apple cider scented, I am happy. Handing me a gift certificate for Von’s = not happy, even if the gift certificate would be for $100. Why? Because the second gift, even much more valuable from a monetary point of view, would clearly show a lack of effort and total disregard for who I am. I’d be disappointed. No, I would never shun a gift. And trust me, when the above set of items were given, I thanked him, smiled and then locked myself in the bathroom to wipe off the tears.
Reading “rules” on what to give women makes me laugh. Apparently, I am not a typical woman. I would absolutely be happy about a vacuum cleaner, if it is a nifty robot kind, hehe. I remember a friend giving me a Swiffer for a house-warming gift. Never has there been a happier Virgo! We love practical gifts, given that we ask for it/need it. I asked my husband for a robot coffee machine this year and got it!
I don’t think it is fair to answer the question “what do you want for Christmas” with “nothing.” Why? Because women hardly ever mean that. They end up being hurt when the poor guy takes them literal. Hence, I do say what I like, want, etc. and I definitely would not say “nothing” unless I actually meant it.
Now, this year is different, because my poor husband is working every single day, including Saturday and Sundays, at a minimum of 12 hours. When would he have the time to go shopping for anything? He doesn’t even get to buy groceries. Hence, I stock up his fridge when I go up to see him on the weekend. But then, Andrew is so thoughtful in all other ways throughout the year that I would never feel that he forgot about me. Andrew never forgets about me. Hence, he is allowed to be “giftless.” His love is the biggest gift for me.
For the sake of good humor, I would like to hear what bizarre gifts you may have gotten from a significant other. Interestingly enough, whenever we do share stories like this, it turns out that predominantly former significant others gave us shitty gifts. Which reminds me of my bestest friend. Her Muppet ex gave her for their anniversary the following: a paper weight from CVS! For dinner he took her out for pizza!
Happy Holidays, and don’t be a Muppet, giving colon cleansing kits to your woman!
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12.11.09
Posted in Things that make me happy at 5:23 pm by PsychicDonut
Today is another day where I feel intense annoyance and really want to start being my usual judgmental self. Alas, in order to change one’s patterns, one has to do the opposite of what comes naturally. Hence, I am going to blog about gamers!
I think that gamers are really getting the wrong rep, and I am willing to debunk some common perceptions about them. First of all, I AM a gamer. I have been playing World of Warcraft for about five years and I own every console known to man. I sometimes use gaming for the good, namely when I do cardio on my Wii Fit, but most of the time I game to relax. And no, I am not addicted to any game and I would not ever choose a game over human contact, or spending time with my husband!
Gamers are often considered losers. People often have this image of some nerdy creature (yes, this one is correct), who sits isolated in a room, forgetting about the outside world. I know a ton of gamers. Hell, I currently work for a gaming company and am surrounded by entire thralls of geeks and nerds. I can honestly say that the vast majority of gamers are anything but losers without a life. Depending on what game one plays, there are certain personality traits we do share. For example, most of us do have an appreciation for beautiful graphics, nice story lines and the ability to be taken to another, parallel universe that has absolutely nothing to do with our real lives. Some, namely those who predominantly play first-person shooter games, tend to favor action, decent hand and eye coordination and fast reaction times. But all of us like gaming because it affords us the ability to wander off into another world for a while. And especially for those of us who do have a hard time shutting their heads off, this is a good way to relax and “let go.”
Yes, I have met people who are totally addicted to gaming. I have met those who prefer their game over hanging out with real people, those who actually care more about gaming than their partners and those who actually forget anything else around them and make their game their number one priority. But then, I would argue that anything can become an addiction. Some people drink, some do drugs, others are addicted to TV, some are workaholics and others game. Anything can be overdone and most things can be harmful when abused; this goes for gaming too.
I think it does require a certain type of person to like gaming. I know numerous people who would never have the patience or interest and don’t understand at all how anyone can sit around playing a game for numerous hours. To me it is no different than watching a movie, or reading fiction, and to me it does qualify as entertainment. Namely cheap and harmless entertainment.
I came to realize that often those of us who are different, or enjoy activities that are not so mainstream, are usually either made fun of or get ridiculed. With gaming it’s a bit different these days because so many people are gamers, including very successful people, that there really isn’t a big stigma anymore. Personally, I am very proud of my geekish ways. There could have been worse things I could have gotten into besides games. And I do not think that I even remotely fit the image of some loser, who has no friends and needs to drown her sorry existence by escaping into the imaginary world of a computer or video game. So, in the spirit of my geekish ways and for my fellow guildies “For the Horde!”
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12.09.09
Posted in Life, Things that make me happy at 7:36 pm by PsychicDonut
Yes, I have started the second month of getting in shape. I have lost about 8 lbs., I have more energy and I feel a strange sense of mental well-being, which at times almost feels like euphoria. My friend Jean told me that it’s the endorphins one releases when working out, as well as the added amount of oxygen that is sent through the system. I had no idea!
It has NOT gotten easier for me. Quite on the contrary. Every time I am thinking “ha, I am getting the hang of this,” my trainer ups the stakes. He keeps making things harder and he holds me to my word. Besides three times a week of training with him, I also have to do cardio three times a week, namely for 30 minutes each. ACK! I hate cardio (and as far as I know, so does the entire rest of the world) but the consequences are dire when I skip it. There is punishment now! On Monday skipping one day of last week’s cardio resulted in one-legged squats and other “strength training techniques” that literally had me gasp for air. I honestly thought I am going to faint. Meanwhile, Kenyatta, my trainer, stands there with his arms folded, watching me, grinning and telling me “can’t is not in our vocabulary! Keep going, or I’ll have you start over.”
It is quite amazing what strength and endurance I DO have! I had no idea I would last this long. Alas, the weight is coming off and my clothes are getting baggy. People started to notice as well, especially if they haven’t seen me in a while. I have gotten really good with the diet and have a pretty good understanding how many calories things have. Hence, I usually stay around 1,200 calories a day now, while burning a whopping 2,500 on the days I work out. This is when cardio really pays off!
Kenyatta pointed out to me that I could have lost more if I would have done my cardio more regularly. *sigh* Now I simply don’t skip it anymore. I have learned the trick. I HAVE to do cardio on the days when I work out with him, namely after. This is very difficult, because he works me hard, but on the other hand, it keeps my muscles from getting sore. The soreness after doing legs is less severe after I add cardio. Although, my glutes and hamstrings are in severe pain right now. Walking is not our friend and neither is climbing stairs.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done! It is harder than quitting smoking. I now curse that I have waited so long. Losing fat is definitely harder than gaining it, haha. Oddly enough I haven’t felt like quitting. Even though I know what awaits me, I am always really happy afterwards that I did it. When I look in the mirror and start noticing the difference I feel glad that I did. I can honestly say that getting a personal trainer was the best investment I have EVER made!
I am losing the weight, I am getting stronger, I have more energy, and my neck and back do not hurt as often anymore. Come to think of it, I haven’t had as many problems with pain, period. I sleep better and mentally I feel more alert, positive and rejuvenated. It feels a little as if I have been hibernating for the past 10 years and now I am waking up. Odd, but true.
Below I am including a picture I took 2 weeks ago. The face is getting thinner! I hope to soon show full “before” and “after” pictures!
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