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How to Jerk-Proof Your Life

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

I’ve had my fair share of tools. Over the years I have learned how to spot them, then how to avoid them and finally how to not allow them into my life anymore. Here are some ways to stop attracting tools, rejects and other detrimental additions to your life.

  1. Love thyself! It’s definitely not a cliché. Players and psychos have a way to literally sense insecurity and weakness. On top of that, your most dominate state of being is going to attract other “like-minded” individuals. If you feel unworthy, ugly, unimportant, etc., you will attract another who either feels the same, or confirms your negative thoughts by treating you in ways that support your subconscious self-image.
  2. No excuses! Ever read the book “He’s just not that into you?” It really doesn’t take the obvious here, but the small, subtle hints will suffice. If he stands you up, can only spend one day of the weekend with you, doesn’t return calls, etc. he is not into you. No, he didn’t get hit by a bus; he isn’t stranded without a phone or got into an accident. If he has no respect for your time and acts as a flake in the beginning, imagine how it will be a few months or years down the road!
  3. Know your own worth! Just  because he had bad relationships in the past, got lied to, cheated on, had a bad childhood or any other sob stories, does not give him the right to treat you unkind or disrespect you. A sad past does not give license to be dishonest, fall out of integrity or use and abuse another.
  4. Choose “healthy” friends! Here is a great way of gauging this one. Ask yourself if you could marry any of your friends. If the answer is “no,” and you are spending time and space with people who have no direction, people you do not admire and people who do not challenge you to grow, chances are you will attract the same in guys. It works like an occupational hazard. How can you meet the right guy if you are hanging in the wrong crowd? And on that note, guys will judge you based on who surrounds you! Your environment speaks volumes about you as a person.
  5. Don’t talk yourself into the relationship! I understand that it gets lonely out there. I also understand how it feels when it appears as if you found someone. But if there are red flags in the very beginning, pay attention to them! Don’t think you can change him, don’t feel you need to stick around, but move on. By deal-breakers I mean traits that are absolutely not acceptable to you under any circumstance. This could be drug use, a bad temper, being flaky/not keeping his word, or even be as simple as not being attracted to him.
  6. Make a list! Yep, this worked like a charm for me, not just in relationships but in other things as well. Make a list and note down the following two columns: Must Haves and Compromisables. Do not use negative language, i.e. “I don’t want,” and do not use superficial traits, like height, or hair color. Instead, be specific without limiting yourself. For example: Must Haves: Honest with himself and others, integrity, kind, caring, chemistry/sexually compatible… The chemistry part takes care of the exterior description, as we generally do not have chemistry with people that we are not attracted to. Carry the list with you, look it over at least once a day and NEVER compromise on the Must Haves!
  7. Follow your gut! Everyone is intuitive to a certain degree. We generally know when we meet someone if there is something off, or if the person is not right for us. Follow this initial instinct. If you are a person who talks herself out of her initial gut feeling, ask an intuitive friend to give you some insight. A neutral person can often spot the things we may purposely ignore.
  8. Make a deal with your friends! I had one with my best friends. The deal was that any new guy I was dating would have to pass “inspection” by my best friends. They had total permission to tell me what they saw and any flags were to be raised and discussed openly and honestly.
  9. Take your time! I know that being single can be sad and I know it’s difficult. But if you become desperate you will start to not just compromise (which can be a good thing), but settle. Nothing good comes from settling, besides the fact that you are wasting your and his time.
  10. Don’t believe everything you read in books or advice columns and think for yourself! Yep, I think a lot of the info out there is not only conflicting, but also flat out wrong at times. No, not all guys who merely tolerate their mothers are bad husbands. No, not all men who have been cheated on, or were married/engaged to psychos are broken for good and cannot function in a “normal relationship.” Just like not all guys who have an amazing relationship with their mothers are good husbands or boyfriends.

Some guys will simply never learn. It is up to you to connect the dots. Listen carefully to what friends he keeps and what they are saying about him. Also look at his previous history with relationships and pay close attention to specific patterns. How he treats you, how he speaks to you, how he looks at you, how thoughtful he is and how often he thinks of you will all show who he is and where you are headed. A good guy is really not that hard to spot and if you severe doubts in a guy to begin with, that should serve as a big enough flag to further examine him.

No man is perfect and neither are you. But there is a huge difference between a self-absorbed jerk or loser and a genuine good guy. With a little practice, self-awareness and determination the tools of the world won’t even have an in to your life anymore.

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Posted in Human Behavior, Relationships, Things that make me happy | 6 Comments »

What Constitutes a “Real Man/Nice Guy”

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

Apparently, people liked my blog on spotting jerks. Hence, I was asked to post a blog on how to spot the nice guys. I could be a Muppet now and say “you’ll know when you meet them,” but Muppetry is just not the way to go ;-)

Here are the ten common traits sported by a genuinely nice guy, which I consider btw, a “real man:”

  1. They are always willing to help you out. If it is at all in their power, they’ll be there when you need them. No matter if it is for crying, venting, fixing a sink, painting, or moving. Which leads to number 2.
  2. They know the true meaning of friendship. Nice guys not only get the meaning of friendship, but they honor it. This includes that they’ll stand up for you, protect you and respect you. A nice guy never turns on his woman.
  3. They look beneath the surface. Most nice guys have been to the dark side and returned. This means that they’ve had their share of dishonest, crazy or mean women. Even though men are visual, a good guy will not base his relationships solely on superficial things, i.e. the size of a woman’s boobs. There is nothing superficial about a nice guy!
  4. They own up to their shortcomings. All nice guys will always try to take the high road, instead of getting worked up. If they get jealous, or insecure, they may not immediately tell you, but they will let you know…IN A NICE AND RESPECTFUL WAY! Nice guys don’t have a chip on their shoulder.
  5. They are considerate and they respect you. These are still men we are talking about here, so they will probably forget stuff. But, the nice guys will know how much certain things mean to you, i.e. watering the plants, or whatever else is important to you, that couldn’t be more unimportant to him. He does it, because he pays attention, and because he values and respects your needs.
  6. You are his top priority, especially your well-being and safety!  I remember being stood up after returning from the ER for WoW by an ex and how terribly hurt I was. I recently had to go to the ER again. My husband dropped what he was doing, came to pick me up, brought me home and “watched over me.” For the truly nice guy, you are not merely another point on the “to-do-list.”
  7. You can talk to him about anything. Men don’t like discussing feelings. It’s as simple as that. But the good guys acknowledge that most of us women do, and don’t have an issue listening to you. A truly good guy knows that friendship is important in a relationship.
  8. They are secure enough with themselves without being arrogant, and the insecurities they do have are not running rampant. Real men don’t start brawls, they are not paranoid and they don’t project their issues on another.
  9. They don’t look down on others or have superiority complex. A real man doesn’t keep friends for the sake of making himself look better. He doesn’t badmouth his friends or his woman and he doesn’t put blame on everyone else for past failures.
  10. Their heart is open. It’s as simple as that. A real man is neither closed off, nor indifferent, disillusioned, cold, unsympathetic or mean. A good men will have an open heart that has enough room to fit you in. He will not just tell you that he loves you, he will show it!

The most important thing here is that you will not doubt a good guy. This is because he shows his heart and thoughts by his actions. A real man has integrity, is honest and stands by his word. He is the kind of guy people like spending time with. He is by no means perfect, but he always tries do be the best he  can. When he screws up, he doesn’t give up, but he gets back up.

A real man doesn’t ignore you, flirt or drool over others in front of you, doesn’t cheat and doesn’t run at the smallest sign of trouble. Integrity, respect, kindness and honesty are the key words to describe a good guy and a real man! The good guys are simply the opposite of a self-centered, dishonest, insecure and definitely not worthwhile jerk! ;-)

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Posted in Human Behavior, Relationships, Things that make me happy | 1 Comment »

Love Changes Everything

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

I am idealist and I have always believed that there is not a single power on this planet that is stronger than love. Looking at my life made me realize that love had the most profound impact on me. Being loved from someone else made me do things I never thought possible. Having had the love of my “chosen sisters” has allowed me to face the most daunting challenges, my biggest demons, my own short-comings and insecurities and the things I hated most about myself.

I always liked people to be straight with me and I have done my best to be just as straight forward in return. I haven’t always done the best job in being diplomatic or kind in my delivery, even to this day. Balance is difficult and my largest lesson to learn. But watching those I admire, male and female, has taught me a great deal about the person I am, the person I was and the one I aspire to be. Not wanting to disappoint those who have loved and supported me inspired me like nothing else.

Last weekend I walked the Revlon Cancer Walk for all women’s cancers. This was huge for me. I dislike crowds with a passion and therefore don’t care for large events of any kind. The night before the walk, my husband Andrew decided to join me and my team in the walk. When I asked him why, he told me that he wanted to support me and that he is incredibly proud of me. To me this was the sweetest thing in the world, given that Andrew doesn’t do getting up early and also hates crowds. 

I still remember the day in March last year, when I woke up with an incredible sense of euphoria. It had dawned on me this very morning how loved I was. I never had large crowds and cliques around me, but the handful of people who love me do so with all their heart. It was in this very moment that I decided that I did not need to be sad about being single anymore, because I had so much love already around me. It was in this moment that I started loving myself, for how could these amazing people love me, if I was as worthless and unlovable as I thought I was. Three days later I met Andrew, and now my “love bag” is full.

Throughout my life I fought some pretty harsh battles. Some were brought on by me, others were brought on by others, but the constant theme of swimming upstream and fighting my way through life was pretty consistent for as long as I can remember back. Most of the time I didn’t really have people who fought my battles or fought for me. I didn’t realize how sad and disappointed I was about that and how bitter in certain aspects that had made me. Therefore I took it upon myself to fight battles for others. It became my way of being way back in school. I got used to the fact that people will neither really speak up for me, nor protect me.

Trust is difficult for me, because I still foremost assume that people will neither be loyal, nor trustworthy. But then I look at my “circle of love,” and realize that this is not true. Andrew is by no means perfect, but he loves me with all his heart and he is fiercely loyal to me. Andrew is a man who doesn’t talk a whole lot (maybe that’s why we work so well :-D  ) but when he chooses to open his mouth, he does so with purpose and perfect articulation.
My friend Jean is one of the least confrontational people I know, but she has no problem speaking up for me if she has to, or telling me off if need be.
My friend Carren has a way to be incredibly straight forward, while being one of the kindest people in the world.
And then there is Lena, my fiery Aries girl, who’ll roll straight into battle with me without as much as flinching. Her Middle Eastern temper paired with my German temper make us the perfect pair.

There are quite a few other friends and people who care about me, but these four people are my pillars. They love me unconditionally and because of that see my intent versus my delivery. They value my views and opinions, as I value theirs. It is this kind of love, dedication and truth that has made me the person that I am. To be loved by people who are special and extraordinary makes me strive to be extraordinary and brings out the best in me. I feel I have to be my best, so I continuously earn such perfect love and trust.

They say love can move mountains. Well, I find love transmutates, changes and alters everything and everyone, even stubborn, rigid and slightly bitter Virgos. I have the deepest gratitude  for all my friends who stuck with me, even though I AM such a complicated person. Love is healing the broken pieces and is delivering the peace of mind and heart I always wished for. 

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Balance

Saturday, March 20th, 2010

Approx. 12 years ago I started to embark on a journey of self-discovery and attempting to find my purpose in life. On this path I studied many different philosophies, a few different religions, scientific discoveries and anything else that served me in my insatiable hunger for wisdom and knowledge.

When I studied Kabbalah for a while, I kept hearing how the Tree of Life is all about balance between the elements, or translated into life, the mind, body, spirit, will and heart. This concept made perfect sense, but I saw no way of ever putting it into action. After all, I had always been an extremist, either stuck way in my head, over-thinking everything to death, or on a spiritual journey, isolating myself from other people because I rather wanted to astral travel. My heart was either in a state of euphoria, or totally shattered and broken, my will was not all that apparent to me and my body I had never taken care of at all. I rather saw the body as a useless vessel I didn’t want to have a whole lot to do with.

Of course, over the years my extreme sides would shift and I’d stop with my spiritual journey altogether, leaning towards not believing in anything at all, despite the evidence I had for certain things. I had always been an all or nothing kind of woman. I either told you EVERY single thought that would pop into my mind without a filter, or I’d completely shut down and not say anything at all. I’d either loved you to death, or hated your guts. I would either be completely loving and giving, or absolutely angry and bitter. And the more I practiced the “bad” sides, the easier they became.

I still don’t know what exactly launched this great transformation I started about a year and a half ago.  It sure as hell couldn’t have been Andrew, because I hadn’t even met him yet. All I know is that something “clicked.” It was this great “aha!” moment where suddenly I got what kept me back, what made me miserable and where I stopped blaming others for it anymore. I suddenly understood how imbalanced I had been, but most importantly, I knew how to fix it!

I decided that I needed to give this a try, because my extreme states had not produced a whole lot of happiness or peace of mind. I did an inventory on a piece of paper and concluded the following:

  • Relationship/Emotion = 0/all over the place
    I had severe trust issues, wanted to fix broken people and hence, kept attracting them. My self-confidence was shattered and reduced to a pile of rubbish, not to mention severe doubts in myself and thinking I am not good enough for anyone.
  • Wisdom and Knowledge = who knows
    I had stopped my journey approx. 4 years prior, namely when my life took a turn for the worse. I couldn’t even concentrate on most decent books anymore. World of Warcraft worked just fine as a numbing method
  • Spirituality = gone/broken
    I had gotten bitter and disillusioned after a bunch of bad events in my own life and the life of a couple  close friends had occurred. I started to get more and more cynical and less enlightened. Come to think of it, I turned into the people I despised the most
  • Body = what body?
    I smoked, I ate whatever the hell I wanted and hadn’t seen a gym in about 10 years. I used to do kick-boxing and Hapkido and now had a story in my head how I didn’t want to be judged by the beautiful people and jocks. That I did the judging didn’t really occur to me at all!

Within the past 16 months I have cleaned up my life. I stopped my stories and excuses and I simply did the work. I stopped talking and simply did. My trainer recently told me that I am a machine now. This is absolutely right in the sense that I just do. I no longer dissect it all to death, so I can start talking myself out of it, i.e. make an excuse. Sometimes it almost scares me how easy I can now go into the mode of “just do it” and overwrite what has held me back for the past 10 years!

Now, I work out all the time. I hate cardio but that doesn’t stop me from doing it. I generally do not eat junk or fast food anymore and make it a point to avoid certain items altogether.

I am trusting. My heart is healing nicely, the scars start to fade and this is due to altering my behavior. I now focus on the things I have control over, which renders certain arguments useless. I don’t really focus all that much on how I can “improve” my husband, because I am really focused on improving myself. I am no longer a control freak, because I realize that I only have the power to change my own ways. I feel love and compassion most of the time these days, not to mention an almost endless amount of energy.

I am exercising my mind by reading, keeping myself informed, asking questions and broadening my horizons again. I surround myself with people who have answers, or good questions. I am searching again for wisdom and truth.

My spirit is soaring these days. I meditate again. I read tarot again, I am studying to become a Reiki master, I am predominantly surrounded by others who also have dedicated their lives to make the world a better place. I have eliminated people, situations and places that no longer serve me and keep me from becoming my higher self.

I learned that the only way for me to be the best I can be is having balance. A great mind is not all that great when the spirit, heart and body are broken. A stronger and healthier body creates a stronger and healthier mind. The endorphins released when working out create an almost euphoric state, which contributes to a healthier heart and happy feelings.

I realized that in order to heal others, I’d first have to heal myself. I am learning balance by no longer looking back to the past and no longer pointing fingers at others. The only finger pointing I do these days is at myself. I let go of my attachment to “fix” another and I no longer care so much what others think. I speak my truth, not to “convert” anyone else, but to answer the questions people ask me.

I remember many years ago someone told me that I would make a great teacher. I answered “I don’t want to teach the sleepers. I want to teach the ones who are at least half awake.” These days I attract a different crowd altogether. I think I am ready to teach now, because I am no longer willing to lecture.

I am no longer a victim. I am no longer someone “bad things happen to,” but I am instead an empowered individual, someone who feels loved and worthy of love, someone who can give more freely now, because she no longer pours her energy and love into buckets without a bottom.

I still wander off the right path at times and “default” into wanting to tell someone off, but then I just wonder if it is worth it and what it would alter. I am not perfect or exactly where I want to be. Who knows? Maybe I will never get there, but at least I am on the right path now, I am on the path of balance.

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Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder?

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

I truly am an idealist. I believe in “good,” and try to see the best in all people. I believe that every person has infinite possibility to create happiness and think that most people are reasonably intelligent to grasp the concept about sticking one’s finger in the power outlet over and over, will only result in getting shocked over and over. It honestly never really dawned on me that some people may not be all that bright, or that some people find a great deal of comfort in being miserable. It didn’t occur to me that some people always need attention, even if it is bad one and that some have traveled so far down the rabbit hole of denial that their idea of reality is totally and utterly distorted. I therefore used to think that certain people do certain things on purpose.

Gosh, I would get so angry and wanted to shake people while screaming “are you dense? Do you NOT see how crazy you are? Look at your life and walk back the past ten years and tell me you do NOT notice how you keep creating more of the same, day in and day out.” In a way, I would do just that at times. See, I was used to this type of behavior from being born and raised in Germany. When I screwed up my friends would hold me accountable. There were dire consequences to my behaviors, which taught me early on (when I was a teenager) that people would not tolerate constant lame excuses coming from me. In a way, my friends in Germany did anything BUT look the other way!

Another one that was very different for me in Germany was the level of loyalty. Your friends were your friends. They stuck by you through thick and through thin. They’d be brutally honest with you and if anyone hurt you, they’d go  after them, or at least cast them out. Yes, the most dreaded trait I have been accused of was normal at home, we were black and white in certain areas. I didn’t have to explain myself all the time, I wasn’t seen as abrasive, but strong and loyal and I was not used to anyone sugar coating things to me, or me having to sugar coat for others.
For example, after returning to Germany for the first time after 8 years, I stepped off the plane and was greeted with “Damn, you’ve gotten fat. You need to lay off the cheeseburgers those Yanks are feeding you.”  At the same token, when I came back a few years later I was told how much I have slimmed down and how good I look for my age.

I never really had to read between the lines and I sure as hell never met as many delusional folks in Germany, as I did in Los Angeles. No offense! I know lots of amazing people here too and can honestly say that they outweigh the crazy ones in my life!!
There is a certain social dance here I couldn’t quite grasp. After 17 years it is easier for me to navigate through the landmines within conversations here, but it never did feel natural. There is still a stubborn part in me that refuses to play the game, unless I absolutely have to. I felt a need to be honest at all cost. I also felt that withholding, or being quiet was being dishonest. Hence, I randomly spilled out any and every thought and emotion that would come to mind, thinking that people would get the gist, because they know me. I also felt that they would be just as thankful for someone calling them on their stuff as I was. NOT SO!

The beauty of life these days is that I have  created a life that is happy and balanced. And within this life an amazing thing has happened, my priorities are finally getting aligned correctly. I am finally learning to open my mouth where I need to and should have a long time ago and where to keep it shut where I need to and should have in the past. I am learning that I don’t have to care about Joe Schmoe and Sue Schmue doing the same idiotic dance again that they have been doing for their entire life. I don’t find myself all that affected by how dishonest, weak willed, cowardly or ignorant people are, because I can choose to not have such folks in my life.

I am learning that just because someone has done a nice thing for me in the past, or has been there for me on occasion, does not mean  that I owe them for the rest of my life. I know that I have paid my dues; to them and everyone else for that matter who needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on or anything else. I have learned that I deserve peace and harmony, not chaos and drama. I have learned that life is precious and goes by at the blink of an eye. I therefore have an obligation to myself to make the best of it.

I still uphold truth, honesty, loyalty and integrity as the most important traits in one’s being. I just don’t expect the rest of the world to have the same values anymore and actually make a conscious effort to stay clear of those who do not. Truth is in the eye of the beholder? I think not. There is universal truth and I am actively seeking those who walk on the same, or at least similar paths. It’s amazing how quiet and peaceful life becomes when one does just that.

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Expect the Best – and get it

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

In management I learned one of the most important management tools, which said that you should always strive to manage to a person’s strength, instead of focusing on their weaknesses. When people are in an environment where 75% of the time they get to do what they like and what they are good at, you end up with really productive teams and very happy people.

I have found that everything I have learned in management also applies for one’s personal life. However, this doesn’t seem as blatantly obvious to others as it is for me. I figured that there are things I can share that may explain a little better what I mean by the importance of being specific and clear.

Let’s say for a moment you are at work and you are scheduled for your quarterly review. Let’s assume you are scored on your communication skills, and you have received an average mark. When you ask your manager/supervisor why you received an average instead of outstanding score, your manager tells you something like “well, I remember an incident a couple months ago where in a meeting you said something offensive.” How are you going to learn from this? One of the first things one learns in management is to be specific and to coach as soon as the opportunity arises, and as soon as the incident is not yet forgotten. Communication in this area should always be very specific, namely what the “mistake” was and how you expect a person to fix it/conduct themselves in the future, etc.

Now transfer that philosophy to life. Let’s assume you are NOT an atheist who only believes in science. Regardless of what your faith is, I do believe that each action has a  reaction. Each one of our behaviors, words, actions, emotions and thoughts create some kind of energy that surrounds us. If we are sending negative energy, we receive negative energy. If we are a positive energy, we attract positive people. Don’t believe me? Look around you and notice people who are truly positive and what type of people surround them. Then look at those who are negative and see who, if anyone, surrounds them. (This is by the way where the German saying comes from “zeige mir wer Deine Freunde sind und ich sage Dir wer Du bist” Show me who your friends are and I tell you who you are). So if we are sending wishy washy as our energy, what do we expect to come back to us?

If I want a new job and a recruiter asks me what type of job I am looking for and I reply “anything really,” what do you think will come back to me (if anything at all)? If someone asks you “what kind of relationship are you looking for?” and your answer is “I just want a cute guy who likes me,” what do you think you create with that? First of all, define “cute” to the universe, or as an energy! Good luck with that! This is why I have always believed in the importance of absolute clarity in what I want and I can attest to how well this works for me.

A few years ago I was house hunting. At this point there were literally hundreds of houses to pick from. I knew I had to be specific, so I wrote down that I wanted a house with 3 bedrooms, at least 2 1/2 baths, a minimum of 1,400 sq.ft., two stories, a town house (because I didn’t want to worry about exterior painting or paving) and not further East than Azusa. I carried this list with me and this is what I ended up with about 1 month later: a town house in Azusa, two stories, 1497 sq.ft., 3 bedrooms, 3 baths.

After Yahoo laid me off I really didn’t want to work in search marketing anymore. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and for this time nothing manifested. I got annoyed and finally told my husband that I wanted to hunt bad guys for gaming, because I love gaming. About 6 weeks later I ended up in a large gaming company, building their fraud department.

After the relationship before my husband ended, I was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to meet anyone. I was bitter, sad, disappointed and I lost my faith in relationships. When I finally decided that a broken heart was not worth giving up on my ideals of romance and love, I made a list, encouraged by one of my best friends. The list contained two columns, “Must Have” and “Compromisable.” I was VERY specific in my list and left any superficial thing out. For example, I wanted to put that I prefer “tall” but my friend asked what I would do if my perfect mate is not so tall. She told me to instead put “must have chemistry with the person.” Chemistry includes all of it, attraction and desire. Hence, I wrote “must have chemistry with the person and must be sexually compatible.” I carried said list with me in my wallet and met Andrew, my husband, about three months later. I still carry my list in my wallet, btw! It is another reminder of how accurately this technique has always worked for me. When I look at my husband, he is every point on my must have column and even most of the points on the compromisable column. The rule my friend told me was that, under no circumstance, could I compromise on the “Must Haves.”

Equally important was being specific in who I wanted to be! So I created a list for things I wanted to change within me. I also included thanking the universe for all the great friends I did have. By doing so, I found a deep and profound appreciation for all the people and things that DID surround me, versus the people and things that did not. My appreciation was so overwhelming that I made another promise to myself and the universe, which stated that I would never settle again. That from now on, I would live my heart’s desire and that any relationships, situations, friendships and jobs that would not be true to that, or to becoming my higher self were no longer tolerated, or acceptable in my life.

Needless to say, I think THIS was the biggest and strongest word I could put out there. I met Andrew THREE DAYS after that (and yes, three months after the list). I think this is why it is so important to know who you are and what you want before you are manifesting the best in life. How could you possibly manifest anything of large magnitude, if you do not even know how to visualize it, or what “it” exactly entails? So I am saying to those who doubt “Love thyself and know thyself!” If you expect the best, you truly will get it. At least that has been my experience, many lists and years later down the road :-)

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Life is what you make it

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

Right now, I am honestly feeling as if I am living my dream. The sad thing is that there was a time where I couldn’t quite imagine such a thing, and hence, kept inviting the same scenarios, relationships and friendships into my life.

I don’t have the answers and I honestly do not know how it clicked for me. Maybe I simply got tired of feeling depressed and down for imaginary and stupid reasons. I was so busy whining about not having x, y, z that I blatantly missed the people who kept having my back and kept trying to encourage me, and also kept believing in me. They saw things in me I couldn’t and one day it suddenly all clicked. From that moment on life changed, and has never been the same again.

Maybe all I did was desperately focusing on the things I did have and ignoring the ones I didn’t. And now, over a year later, I find myself married to my soul-mate, the best husband one could ever ask for. And no, I am not claiming that Andrew is perfect, but I am saying that he makes me happy, because he loves me fiercely and sees that person in me, that others often missed. He makes me feel safe, wanted and loved and with him by my side I feel I can do anything!

My professional life is going great, and while I cannot share any details at this point, it seems that my biggest dream in that department is also coming true, again. I am fighting bad guys, I do what I love and I get paid well for it.

And lastly, there is the one that seemed the hardest out of all of them, my exterior. I spent many years focusing on my interior, and I don’t even want to go into why I did that.
I am still not a superficial person, but I do have a strong drive for being healthy right now. It is fair to say that I am getting into the best shape I have ever been in my life. I am eating healthy, I drink lots of water, I quit smoking, I work out very hard and I do cardio a minimum of 4 times a week, usually more like 5 or 6.
My energy is going through the roof, I have tons of stamina; where I would last a measly 5 minutes on the elliptical, I can now do 2o minutes and then run on the treadmill for another 15. My metabolism has sped up so much that I burn about 2100 calories on a day where I do no exercise. My arms and legs are starting to look leaner and longer and the fat is melting away. I haven’t achieved my full goal, but I am well on my way.

I am doing things these days that I NEVER thought possible. My mind has gotten powerful enough to overwrite whatever negative messages I have stored on that hard-drive of mine, also known as the brain. When I get tired of eating right, working out so hard, or holding steadfast to my values, this voice comes in and says “you are only sabotaging yourself. You CAN do this. “No” is not an option.” And with that comes this burst of energy that keeps me going, every day.

It isn’t just that my life is turning out to be the dream I always had, but it is also that I am attracting things and people that support this new model.

For me it has always been the worst when certain people would call me judgmental. I would sit there and ponder why I am so judgmental, never realizing that the same people would be in my face for being so weak and not discriminating in who I was dating or what friends I kept. I interpreted judging as such a bad thing that anyone was allowed to come in, take whatever they wanted, walk all over me and then leave, bad-mouthing me. I have helped plenty of people, because there were plenty of people out there who helped me out when I was down, and quite a few of them not only never thanked me, but turned on me. They were endless holes of neediness, drama, negativity and crap and no matter how much understanding, love or care anyone poured in, it never was enough.

I am proud to say that yes, I AM judgmental. Nope, I no longer want everybody and anybody in my life. I do not require 100 friends, I am good with the few ones I do have. No, I am not unkind and I would give you my last dollar, have you stay at my house if you lost your place, lend you my car, get you a job and help you whenever you are down without question, but no, I would no longer do it for everyone. I no longer care what people think, because I have learned that those I do want in my life, are not the ones who keep attacking me for being judgmental, too harsh, or having “unreasonable values.”

It is funny how violently people react once you are no longer willing to put up with their shit and once you call them on it. You make enemies that way, but thankfully, not too many, and definitely not people I’d care to keep around anyway.

I have started to write my second book. And yes, it is the “Managing the Delusional” book I have often talked about :-)

I am not perfect, but at least I am constantly trying to learn and become a better person. I had to learn the hard way that simply holding your cheek out to get smacked around over and over, is NOT the definition of being a good person and will not bring love and happiness into your life. I had to make a stand for myself to make that happen. It’s a bit wobbly, but it feels amazing.

What was my lesson I refused to learn for so many years? Oh yeah, I know now “How happy I am and how successful I am, is a direct result of what is in my mind, spirit and heart. Happiness and contentment exponentially increase when I am willing to stand for myself and others with truth, integrity and strength, when I eliminate fear and when I stop caring about what the wrong people think of me.”

So if anyone wants to point their finger at me again, they can. But I have a nagging suspicion that they will not be the ones who live their life to the fullest and are amazingly happy and content. And I have one example about that. The ones who were excited about me getting married and were happy were people who were in happy relationships or marriages. The ones who told me to wait longer, watch out and painted doomsday pictures, were the same ones who were single, or miserable.

So, I prefer to keep those who teach me with kindness how to become a better person and lead by example.

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You Do What?

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to help people and safe the world. When I was in 2nd grade I decided I wanted to be an angel, or like Jesus. I had only two concepts in my head, the concept of right, or wrong. I wanted to do the right thing. Hence, when I got older I wanted to be a cop, a judge, a detective, a doctor, a nurse and a therapist. I never wanted to be something glamorous.

This desire and theme kept repeating itself throughout my life. I think I was about 15 or 16 when I started standing up for the kids/people who got bullied and by the time I was 17 I had a 2-year apprenticeship contract with the Municipal Court as a court administrator/paralegal.

I never was able to witness pain or injustice without opening my mouth. I simply HAD to interfere, even though I was scared to death at times. Being “me” meant standing on the other side of the fence, often against the “rest of the world.” While everyone excused their bad behaviors and kept doing them, I sat by myself writing poetry and reading books on unexplained phenomena. It was really lonely over there. I didn’t fit in with any cliques or groups. I tried them all, but at the end of the day, I hated how people behaved in herds. On their own they were often decent, but put them in a group and they turned on you in a heartbeat. Of course, for the same reason I didn’t like followers either, and when everyone felt it was our duty to do drugs and drink like fish when we were in our teens and twenties, I didn’t. I was the designated driver and quickly got bored watching people make fools out of themselves and turning into sleaze balls.

I have been this way for pretty much most of my life. I used to think it sucks and I hated that I wasn’t “like them.” I searched high and low for something or some people I could connect with and thankfully, as the years went by I found a few who fit the bill. Thankfully, I was also able to continue this in my professional life.

I do fraud prevention for a living. I manage credit card fraud and for me, this is the most rewarding career I could have chosen. I get to actively contribute in shutting down the jerks who steal identities, take over accounts of unsuspecting victims and make a living by scamming the innocent. I love my job and I love the people who are in my field.

There is something that literally happens each and every time I go to a vendor meeting, conference, or talk to others within the industry, which is this immediate “bond” that gets formed based on what we do. Every single person in this business works hard (sometimes underpaid and underappreciated) to make a difference. We are sometimes not on the top priority list for our companies, because we don’t generate revenue like a sales team does. We are the ones who act as your secret service, protecting your brand, the company’s integrity and innocent users from losing their identities, and we do it behind the scenes.

I don’t go to a “stupid job” every day for the sake of benefits and a paycheck. I do what I do, because I am excited about helping and making a difference AND getting paid for it. I have met so many incredibly smart, dedicated and awesome people within this field that I could not think of any better or other place to be, besides actually studying cyber forensics at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, lead by an incredibly awesome man named Gary Warner.

Forgive me for bringing this up again, but there are so many people in sales, project management and marketing who make a boat load of money, while a lot of those guys who work their butts off to protect the innocent are underpaid and underappreciated. This is why I like being around companies who specialize in nothing but fraud, be it with a product they created, or by consulting and connecting. There are a few companies who have caught on and truly realize how important it is to have a great risk management/fraud prevention team. These are usually also the same companies who truly understand the importance of great leadership and having integrity.

I am happy and privileged to be a part of this industry, that makes all our lives a little safer and easier. I am glad that I get to lead, showing others the importance of doing the right thing, even if it is easier to do the opposite at times. I think I am one of the few who can honestly say “I LOVE my career.”

Posted in Things that make me happy | 2 Comments »

Praise for the Good Ones

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

I have posted a couple blogs lately on bad employees. However, I don’t think I have ever praised the ones who are doing an amazing job. Hence, I am using this post to list those who have taught me a lot about the manager I wanted to be and have inspired me to do the right thing, even if it would have been strategically better for me at times to do the opposite.

1. Horst Schmidt – my school teacher.
Horst had me from 7th grade on, all the way through graduation. This man stood by me no matter what. When I was about to screw up my apprenticeship at the court, he called up my boss and explained my situation to her. He was there for me like a father and  I am in contact with him to this day. If more teachers would apply themselves the way he did, the world would be a better place.  He also taught all of us to be accountable. He was fair and laid back, unless you tried to cheat the system.

2. Waltraud Hoppner – Municipal Court, Germany
Let me tell you about this woman. I was one confused and damaged teenager when I started my apprenticeship at the court, to become a court administrator/paralegal. She sure as hell had a hard time with me, because I couldn’t focus, and used being the class clown to overcompensate for my insecurities. She was my “teacher” and manager for two years and she believed in me. She consistently told me that I could do it, that I was intelligent and that I could be so much more, if I would apply myself. She lead with kindness and humor and she started my path into adulthood and business.

3. Bob Peterson – LRN
I think it is fair to say that I would not have been more ill cast in any career, than when I tried being an executive assistant. At my previous job I had one of those managers I vowed to never be. So when I started working for Bob I was a wreck. I was too afraid to talk to him, because I was used to being talked down to and being abused by my previous boss. After only one week Bob called me into his office and asked me what I was doing. He told me that he needed me to be his right hand and could not afford to have an assistant who was too afraid to even speak to him. When I weakly responded how I wasn’t sure that I had permission, his answer was “Have I ever NOT given you permission?” Bob turned my meek, scared demeanor into a competent assistant. He would call me into meetings grinning and announcing that he called me in because I obviously was one of the most creative people in the place (must have been my funny looks).
Bob never talked down to me, but he always treated me like an equal, even though he was an executive. When the company did a mass lay off he saved me and insured they didn’t let me go. I never forgot how kind, competent, intelligent and fair he was. I figured I wanted to be a boss like him one day.

4. Jae Sung – Yahoo
Poor Jae! He inherited me when I had very little management knowledge, and still felt I needed to speak my mind…ALWAYS! He taught me one of the most valuable lessons in business “Don’t ever horde responsibility or knowledge. If you do, people will just find a way to get around you and then you truly did make yourself obsolete!” I lead by that until today and have never withheld my knowledge or expertise from my employees. He taught me that the best manager is one who is truly not “needed,” but one who creates a team that is self-sufficient, competent and empowered. Jae never lost his cool and even though he left Yahoo years ago, he still has my back to this day.
Thanks Jae, this got me laid off at Yahoo, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world and when I am in management again, I will do it over! ;-)

5. Jason Dorn – Yahoo
Jason taught me patience. He was the one who taught me how to deal with delusional folks. He taught me to not buy into people’s stories of victimhood and hold them accountable in a calm and straight forward manner. He fought for me, as he would for all of his direct reports. He is one of the smartest, most competent people I have ever met, and one of the few who are equally as good in project management, as he is in people management. Jason also never loses his cool, but is straight forward and doesn’t beat around the bush.

And here are a few people I didn’t report directly to, but they inspired me nontheless:

1. Erick Herring – LRN
Erick was one of the techy VPs and I assisted him when I didn’t have anything from Bob. Erick was the one who pointed out to me one day that I am probably at times my worst enemy. I told him how I am impressed with people who know so much about IT and technical stuff. He then asked me how many languages I speak and if I liked music. I told him that I know two languages fluently and studied Latin in school for a couple of years. I also told him that I loved singing and have an ear for music. He laughed and told me that math is in the same part of the brain as language and music, and that I am probably better at math or physics as I think I am. Turns out, he was right.

2. Kim Furzer – Yahoo
Kim wasn’t my direct boss. Well, she did manage me for a couple months, but that was only in the interim between managers. Kim taught me that having a strong personality is actually an asset in business. She taught me that it doesn’t matter how I dress or how many tattoos I sport, because the right people/company will immediately recognize my strengths and not care about that. She gave me more confidence and always encouraged my straight-forwardness.

3. Lynne Secrest – Yahoo
I can honestly say, there has never been a better HR director than this woman. Talk about a wealth of knowledge regarding workman’s comp, labor law, PIPs, coaching, performance management and all the other neat stuff one has to do as a manager. Lynne was highly regarded by everyone, executives, managers and employees. She was fair and always willing to help and man, she helped me out a lot with difficult employees or situations. I could always count on Lynne and when Yahoo laid her off for political reasons I was so outraged that I sent an email to Yahoo’s head of HR (no, I didn’t do this from an emotional spur of the moment place, but was encouraged by an executive, who told me “I may want to share my thoughts”). When Lynne got laid off the entire management and executive staff was outraged. But Lynne kept her good sense of humor and of course, being the woman she is, had a job within weeks. It was actually Lynne who redid my resume after Yahoo laid me off, haha. I miss working with her.

4. Reggie Davis – Yahoo
Talk about an inspiration! Reggie was both, an executive AND a lawyer. This makes generally a recipe for a true jerk in the business world, but not with Reggie. The man had a passion and integrity that blows mine to shreds. Never afraid to call it for what it is, speaking his mind and yet never making a fool out of himself. He was knowledgeable, incredibly intelligent, funny and highly loyal to the company and those who reported to him. Always willing to make people aware of issues with systems and policies, he ran a great ship in a battle he couldn’t have won. Hence, Reggie quit, after over 10 years. He taught me that being at the top does not equal being a jerk, self-serving, mean-spirited or indifferent.

I am definitely a better woman, employee and manager due to all of these folks. Hence, “thank you,” from the bottom of my heart. I wished there were more of you guys around!

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Happiness – Again

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

So far this year has been amazing. My health is excellent, my body is shaping up really nice, the fat is falling off of me, my arms and legs are starting to look leaner and longer, and apparently people in Santa Maria all seem to think I am either a rock-star or actress, haha. Walking into any kind of store, or walking through the mall always turns heads. Then I get compliments on my hair and my boots, followed with the question if I am an actress or in a band. It cracks me up, because I don’t look that freaky and my tattoos are covered anyways.  I think I should have changed my name to “Carma Phantasmagorica” when I became a citizen!

Anyway, this morning I was cleaning Andrew’s room and doing his laundry (because the maids only come once a week) and I thought about how happy I am. The main reason for that is my loss of fear. Fear has run my life for so long that it still feels a bit strange, almost as if one is missing an old relative, one you can’t really stand, but is nevertheless dear and known to you. The lack of fear has allowed me to do amazing things lately. Amazing, at least in my book. It has given me the ability to be absolutely truthful.

People always assume that I like confrontation. Given the fact that I tell people what I think of them, based on the blogs I write and how I have dealt with many situations, there are quite a few out there who assume that I am confrontational and combative by nature. It is the opposite! I absolutely despise it. I used to be horrified and allowed everyone to walk all over me out of fear that they would abandon me. I took an unbelievable amount of abuse and crap from people, because I was worried they’d badmouth me and walk out on me.
Everyone’s opinion mattered equally. It didn’t matter if the one who badmouthed me was a stupid loser, or someone who was close to me. I couldn’t stand the idea that anyone would think that I am not a good person, which I always worked so hard on being. It has always been important to me to have integrity, to be honest and to do good in the world and anyone who “hated” me or talked bad about me made me feel as if I failed. Hence, I would keep trying to proof people wrong, not realizing that sometimes there was simply nothing I could do to change a person’s mind, or the way they treated me.

These days I am no longer an equal opportunity people pleaser. I do realize that the opinions, thoughts and words of some people matter more than others. I learned that there is nothing I can do to safe some people, or make them wake up, or make them a “better” person. I realize that some people will never change, or have a very low chance of doing so and that I will not be the one who makes a difference in their life and brings them to their senses. I also remembered how occupying space with bodies who simply no longer serve my well-being, keeps those out who truly would and will.

I said in the prior blog how I deleted people from my contact list. Well, I asked the universe for help. There were a few individuals I simply could not shed. I still felt I needed to be there for them, or owed them something. Interestingly enough, the universe started taking them out one by one, starting already last fall. The freedom I feel from no longer being burdened with those I have to tip toe around and be careful about what I am saying or feeling, is unbelievable. It almost feels like euphoria.

I hold on to Andrew when I hug him and I want to squeeze him to death because of how happy he makes me. My biggest wish of finding the one, looking at each other and knowing instantly “this one is IT” was granted. To be with someone who loves me and needs me without being a weak, needy freak, is overwhelming. Having friends who encourage me by telling me all the great changes they have seen in me within the past few months makes me want to jump up and down.

I worked so hard. It feels as if I ran a marathon and after years reached some of the finish lines. I am still working out and still need to drop more weight to feel fully satisfied with my body, but that doesn’t scare me anymore. The weight is falling off, and it seems almost easy now, as eating right and working out hard has become part of my routine and a habit. Best compliment ever “you are so sexy,” from my husband. Watching his eyes on me and him telling me how he thinks all day long “this is my wife!” makes everything else out there, especially negativity unimportant.

Oh, and I did find a dog trainer for Andrew’s dogs. They are being trained for 5 weeks now and my kitties are safe and sound. After all, I could never give up my babies. Salem is my “son!” :-D

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