I LOVE my career too! and love working with you!

Hope to see you soon!

Gary Warner

I think the right word I am looking for is “intimidating.” But come to think of it, maybe it’s just not working for the rest of you guys.

I have put my story out there, not because I wanted to shove my happiness in anyone’s face but exactly because of how you reacted. It is very important to understand that there truly is magic out there; provided one does not stop believing.
This is why I have been so adamant in trying to bring across how your thoughts and emotions truly DO shape your life.

You, too, will find that. Don’t ever settle. Yes, sometimes love builds over time, but I have always been a firm believer in chemistry and true spark. And at the risk of being bashed, I always did feel that a vast majority of those who were friends for years and finally ended up together, somewhat did settle. Why? Because I have even heard such people say “well, we have been sleeping with each other and then finally realized that we simply couldn’t find anyone else who liked me the way I was…”

For me it was always impossible to put someone I had put into the “friendship” category ever into the lover drawer. That is just the way I am wired. Don’t settle!

which of course was not your intention here, and I am also feeling (once again) very inspired by your words- so let me explain. -and this will be long and won’t make sense until the end.

You know how young kids are usually kind of silly when it comes to girlfriend/boyfriend stuff? – not me. I can remember being 6 years old and taking it quite seriously when Marcel asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. He was adorable (wavy brown hair and brown eyes), smart and artistic, so of course I said yes. Marcel was a little Casanova however-within the next 2 years he’d asked all the girls in our class the same thing and I’m pretty sure he charmed our 2nd grade teacher- and he probably never said 2 words to me after that but it didn’t matter. When he moved away at the end of that year I cried, and during that summer I rode my bike all the way to his street (almost 2 miles away- my mother would have beaten me if she knew.)

I was only 12 years old the first time I noticed Paul- and it was definitely love at first sight for me. It literally felt like my heart stopped for a second- like someone had pounded their fist into my chest but I only felt it on the inside. I also felt as though I knew him- that we’d met before. Luckily he was a cousin to a family friend, and she was thrilled to introduce us and force him to ask me to dance -we’re both Croatian and we were at some sort of event at one of the ethnic dance halls (I think it was actually the Slovenian one) He really didn’t dance though so we sat down and talked instead. I was a terribly shy kid, but not at all with him- I felt totally natural with him and I would have done anything for him- it was absolutely an unconditional love.

We went to the same church, but our families lived on opposite sides of town and had different circles of friends, so even though I looked forward to every dance or wedding reception as a chance to see and talk to him for more than just the few minutes after church, I was often disappointed. But sometimes he was there- and I always sat with him when he was. I remember once we were bored and scribbling notes on an envelope- I wrote that I felt like a weed, and he answered “a weed is just a flower in the wrong place.” anyway, after a couple of years of this I decided I needed to get him alone so that I could tell him how I really felt in private -and of course I imagined this little scenario ending in a fairy tale kiss. So my chance came at a dance at the old “Croatian Home” reception hall and I convinced him to come with me upstairs to an empty room. I don’t remember if I got a chance to say anything or he figured out what was coming, but he got a troubled look on his face. And because I loved him, all thoughts of me and what I wanted to happen went out the window and I was concerned only about him- I asked what was wrong…

“I have a girlfriend”

“oh….okay” -I’m sure I was disappointed, but I don’t remember being heartbroken or anything like that.Maybe it didn’t quite sink in. It definitely didn’t change how I felt about him. We went back downstairs and sat back at the table together as if nothing had happened. And we still talked after church, and at any dances/ receptions he happened to go to. And I even called him on the phone occasionally- something my mother frowned at and I’m sure contributed to his father’s obvious disapproval of me. Once his sister thought I was Tina (I think that’s how I found out her name) -but he never talked about her and I never asked. I stalked that boy for 6 years.
When I learned how to drive I figured out where he lived (it took 45 minutes to get there) and drove down his street- I wasn’t brave enough to go to his house, but once he and Tina were on their way out somewhere so I had to stop -there was an awkward introduction and after that I drove to the mall nearby instead and called from a payphone. Imagine my surprise when he answered and said he’d be right over! We sat side by side on a guardrail in the parking lot talking when suddenly he leaned over and kissed me- a fairy tale kiss on the lips- it was ELECTRIC. To this day I have never felt a kiss run through me to the tips of my fingers and toes like that! I even asked him why he kissed me- “someone had to”

-I think he thought that during all that time that I was stalking him I never had a single date or anything -that wasn’t totally true, but I didn’t really “date” (I went to an all-girls Catholic high school) -there were a couple of potential boyfriends, but one was off again/on again, and the other was constantly trying to maul me. And as far as sex, I was saving that for marriage- for Paul.

We got in his car and drove around through a local park nearby-
and I saw that look again, only this time there was pain and guilt behind it.
This time I didn’t ask what was wrong…

“You love her, don’t you” …”yes”

…it sunk in. I was devastated. I didn’t want to cry but I couldn’t help it. I think he tried to apologize but I shook my head ‘no” -through my sobs I tried to tell him that it was okay- that it was my fault not his- and I finally told him that I loved him.

I lost my virginity that summer -to a 30 year old who turned out to be a coke-head. I’m thankful that at least he tried to make it special for me (bubble bath, candles, soft music) -but it didn’t matter. I went to college with zero self-esteem, and the emotional maturity of a 13 year old.

A year later I met John. He stood me up on our first date but then sent a dozen roses to apologize. I had never gotten flowers before. Two weeks later and a sucker comment (“well I guess I just won’t ever ask again then!” he said with a pout) and we had sex. And even though it was screwed up (he had anger and jealousy issues), it was my first real relationship. We met in June and got engaged in September, with the date set for 2 years from the day we met. Then in December I decided we should move the wedding up to the following June instead- just 6 months off- which turned out to be a good idea because soon after that he decided he didn’t want to use condoms and by April I was pregnant. I was jealous of my best friend’s new baby, but I didn’t really want to be pregnant. I didn’t really want to get married anymore either. I was tired of the anger and the constant arguing- deep down I knew that this was not how a relationship should feel.
Then in May I had a dream…

darkness…and Paul in the middle of it…and he needed me.

I was worried. I couldn’t stop thinking about the dream. I was afraid that he was hurt, or worse…

I called off the wedding and moved back home to my parents.

The next night I drove out to that mall again, and called him from the payphone. He came out to meet me and I got in his pick-up truck but this time we drove to a local bar. We never went in though -we just stayed in his truck and talked. I told him about John, about how we fought all the time, that I had broken up with him and called off the wedding that was only a month away, that my mother said I couldn’t call it off because the invitations were already sent out.

Tina had gone off to college and dumped him -she wanted to “play the field” and date other guys (I couldn’t help wondering if he had held on to his conviction to wait for sex until marriage and if that was why she left- but I didn’t ask) . And we kissed, and it was still electric, but passionate too. And I still loved him. Which was why I had to stop- I had to tell him.

“I’m pregnant”

I could have made love to him that night. I could have even lied afterwards and told him the baby was his and hope that if he discovered the truth after I delivered a full term baby 7 months later -big babies run in my family anyway- that he would forgive me and love her as his own. But it never even entered my mind (except the part about making love- god I really wanted to!)

But I loved him, so I told him.

I don’t remember what was said next- I think he tried to be encouraging- told me not to get married just because of that, not to marry John if I didn’t love him. I don’t remember if I told him about the dream- I think I did? Anyhow we didn’t stay there much longer- he drove me back to my car.

I called him the next day but he wasn’t home- he never returned my call.
But I couldn’t blame him- why would he want to get involved with a girl who was already pregnant?

-John called my mother and told her. She said she would not have a bastard child in her house. 3 days after I left I went crawling back.

John had gone through my stuff that I had left behind and found a notebook where I had doodled Paul’s name. He accused me of cheating. He said he should make me get a paternity test for the baby (funny, since he knew I was “late” before I said anything- and ironic too). The night before the wedding was the worst- he got a terrible case of “cold feet” and kept me up all night interrogating me and threatening to leave me stranded at the altar. His own family asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with this- what choice did I have?

Anyhow- I used to believe in love at first sight, and I believe our souls are reincarnated and we meet the same people over again through different lifetimes.

Paul was not the only one that I felt I knew before- in my first year in college I saw Bob- I didn’t know his name but I knew the feeling. -and I found out he lived in my dorm. And when I found out his name I almost fell out of my chair- a palm reader had described him perfectly 3 months before, including his name. But at the time I had the emotional maturity of a 13 yr old. I took it for granted that we would stay together because of the palm reading- and I lost him because I acted like a jerk.

Then many years later there was Bryan, but the feeling was a little different at first- we couldn’t be any more than friends because I was still married, and so was he. So even though my marriage later broke up- I couldn’t have Bryan. His wife was a beautiful, truly Christian person (better than he deserved actually) and they were both caring and supportive friends during my divorce. And they had 2 adorable little girls -so as much as I wished there was some way we could be together, I couldn’t bear the thought of doing anything to hurt those precious children. Donna eventually became aware of my emotional conflict- and forgave me for having that wish!

There is only one more person that I felt that strong connection to- my friend Lydalyn -I feel like we must have been sisters before because there are so many parallels in our lives. And even though she’s a very private person -so I don’t often get details about her personal life- we both feel very connected- like we completely understand each other.

But Paul was my only true love at first sight- my only unconditional, brought me out of myself, would absolutely do anything for true love. Both of my marriages and my recent relationship all started with bad first dates, all forgiven at the time, all ending badly. And I have often thought, between these relationships, that maybe a small part of why they did NOT work was because it was NOT love at first sight. But over the years, and especially because I have not had that kind of “past life recognition” with anyone at all in almost 15 years. I began to feel like maybe it didn’t exist for me anymore- that “real” love had to build slowly over time and was something that had to be worked on, and as long as you had a solid base of friendship and trust that you could, hopefully, “build” a love out of it.

But after the last break-up, I decided that I really want to feel that “punch” again. Except for one problem- I’m afraid…

First, that it will never happen.
Or- that my spirit has been so broken down that I won’t trust it.

And then I read this blog…

such a cataclysmic range of emotions -YES! I’m not crazy for having once believed! Maybe it really COULD happen for me (actually I’ve been practically surrounded by real-life fairy tales lately)

then… WAIT! what if Paul was it? what if I missed my chance?
-AND I HAD A SECOND CHANCE AND I BLEW IT?!?!?

I’ve thought about him many times throughout the years, and he dropped completely off the radar- I was afraid to ask my mom anything but she usually is happy to share any gossip she comes by and she never said anything, and I could never find him through the usual internet channels (the free stuff anyway- as much as I would have liked to know, I wasn’t going to get a paid report)

-until just recently- he finally showed up in the telephone listings, living near his sister I think, and not far from where I last lived in Ohio (more irony) -and married of course, though not to Tina. Not that it matters- I’m in Tennessee now anyway, and even though I suspect I’ll be ending up back in Ohio soon enough, I would rather move out west -or maybe Chicago, I liked it there, but I don’t know if I could stand the winters.

Anyway- I’m starting to ramble now- my point was to thank you again for the inspiration, and confirming my convictions that love at first sight is the best kind. You’ve given me encouragement to stick to that conviction myself and not settle for anything less ever again, And I want to congratulate you too- if anyone deserves to have the fairy tale, it’s definitely you! And okay, yes, I’m a little jealous- I would absolutely eat up the kind of attention you get from Andrew! Happy 6 Month Anniversary to both of you!